Coping when people think breast cancer isn't a big deal

Gabby:

They just 'don't get it' and won't until they have walked in your shoes or been exposed either themselves or their loved ones!! 

they don't see the tears in the shower, the depressed days wondering....what if....

How do you handle the insensitives??? I don't!  To try to talk to them is frustrating and just makes me nuts so I try not to bring it up anymore. 

Emotionally we will never be the same but we have each other here and that has gotten me through quite a bit!

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

Jan

We tend to find out whom we wish to have in our lives and whom we do not at this point.   Please see the thread, The dumbest things people have said to you/about you. It is right up this alley.  You will find those who share your experience and a place to vent and laugh.  It is in the Depression, Anxiety forum. 

Oh, don't cry sweetie (at least not about that).  It's not worth your energy.  You're right.   She has no clue -- and for that matter I think the entire general public has no clue.  I'm amazed at the articles that come out during breast cancer month that paint a rosy picture and leave out all the realities.   I blame a lot of insensitivity on that - just perpetuates ignorance.  Many people seem to think 'breast cancer' isn't like 'real cancer.'  It's plain stupid.   Makes me mad. 

Gabby, one thing I would no longer call that person is a friend. If she said what she did to comfort you, she clearly does not read you well. If she said it without thinking, then she clearly does not read you well. See my point?

On your question of how to handle such issues, I handle them by telling no one except those you know for sure will either care or have to pretend they do. That would be: immediate family and doctors and supervisors and only friends that feel like family. Everybody else can wait until you've gotten over the trauma and been through treatment and no longer care what they think.

IMO, it is important to protect yourself at this vulnerable time and not seek out or give room to any voices that you are not absolutely certain of. This is your convalescence and you need the grapes and chocolate and get well notes that fit you. 

Hi! I just came across this topic, and I can relate. I usually post on the topic of taxotere and cytoxan because right now I am undergoing  chemo with these two drugs. However, I also have thought how to respond to people's insensitive comments. Sometimes, it is ignorance, and sometimes I think people make light of something serious because they are uncomfortable talking to someone with cancer. However, I often think later what I  should have said to them. Breast Cancer is serious, and I know I am  emotionally scarred for life. Losing my hair was the worst side effect , so my pet peeve right now is people who say "What's so bad? It's only temporary." Well, everyone that says that to me has a full head of hair. Next time I hear this reaction, I will be ready with "Have you ever lost your hair?"

To GabbyCal: Avoid people like your "old friend." I am often a people pleaser, but since I learned I had breast cancer, I am more focused on me. I have relatives that mean well. When they call periodically to see how I am, they upset me rather than cheer me up. They ask questions or try to give me advice. For example, I had mastectomy with immediate reconstruction with a tissue expander. Of course, time has to go by before implants. I want to be a little bigger, but that has to wait until after the expansion is finished and chemo is over. I had a couple of relatives call shortly after my mastectomy, and ask "Do you have big boobs now? Do you like them?" Lesson learned: Don't tell too many people details. I also screen phone calls or ask my husband to tell certain callers that I'm asleep. It's three months since my mastectomy, and I'm halfway through chemo and still have bouts of crying. So don't you feel bad about crying or getting upset. Sometimes without warning I feel depressed and start crying. My husband has been very supportive,but now he is starting to say "What's wrong now? Your hair is going to come back. You have good doctors. Your prognosis is good. I don't understand."

Well, you have to be in it to truly understand. That's why this website is so great for venting and sharing  our experiences.

Gosh GabbyCal - I'm so sorry that you have any friends like this, but I noticed there are other threads about some of the totally off the wall things our bffs do.  My diagnosis was a year earlier than yours... made Christmas a blast didn't it?  At first I couldn't even post here... I just hurt way too much.  In the last year I have learned that about the only people who "get it" are on these boards... and bottom line everyone else has moved on and thinks I am "cured".  I stopped explaining NED... I stopped talking about it all the MD trips to anyone else... I stopped talking about the fears in the night... I stopped talking about the hormones... once in awhile my DH hears it, but really - I just vent and talk here now.  No one else understands at all - they want me to smile and tell them I am doing well... and so I do... simply to avoid all the hassle... but here I can say how bad it hurts sometimes.

I honestly believe people try to be nice when they focus on how many do well with BC.



And I think being friend with somebody that is hurting is difficult for many people.



I guess we all here know people that hurts from different life challenges, like divorces, abuse, anxiety etc, and I at least assume that I not always handle this the best way, and that I from time to time may have come throug as insensitive, maybe I haven't even noticed friends that really needs me.

Hopefully they can see my overall good intensions, and keep on being my friends.



I have had lots of people say to me that BC has good prognosis etc, and I have decided to receive this as comforting comments from people that even might be scared and are trying to comfort both them selves and me.

I typically tell them that I for ever will have to live with the increased risk of recurrence, and that this is something I will need to work on how to handle.



My suggestion would be to accept the underlying good intensions, and try to educate friends on what kind of support you would like. And also accept that even friends and relatives might have a hard time dealing with this.

I feel that most people have good intentions, but I am  utterly exhausted by almost 9 months of treatment.  At this point if I could be placed in a medically induced coma and be awakened after my next 12 rads sessions were over, I would be happy.  I have a long list of comments that have aggravated me.  The most common thing I'm told now is "you look great" even when I say I don't feel well. 

When I'm feeling generous I do think about a casual friend of mine who had breast cancer 7 years ago.  I did a few things to show her I cared but not nearly enough.  I guess having lived this experience I will be a more sensitive friend in the future.  Part of my ignorance was how long surgery, chemo and rads take AND the very real risk of recurrance.  I lived in blissful ignorance that if breast cancer was caught before metasteses was detected, you were cured.

I had a similar Christmas as you GabbyCal, just waiting and thinking.



We had invited 30 people for dinner for new year, we cancelled that.

We spent the holidays watching movies to avoid thinking to much. We visited some friends and family as well, and told them about the situation, we kept all visits rather short. Not the best Christmas I have had.

Like the other women who've posted in this thread, I can tell you that unless you get breast cancer, you will NEVER 'get it'. They dont get it, they dont know what it's like. They see you have surgery, treatment then your hair grows back, you start to get better physically, so they think it's over. Especially when they dont know what goes on in your mind. They dont know about what chemo does to your brain, they dont understand the fear, and the stress...I could go on and on and on.

As people dont really say anything to me now that it's been almost 3 years and I dont talk about it anymore to other women cause they dont understand and mostly dont seem to want to hear about it, my last crap experience was last October. Yes October - the time women who havent been thru it decide to think about it, and buy pink stuff to 'support women with breast cancer' - never mind that they have unsupported the real actual women they know who had it - just go along with all the social stuff in October...

Anyway, being October an email was doing the rounds, about a young woman who was dying from BC and was getting married, then it mentioned that x amound of days later she died. The the usual blurb at the bottom about passing it on and remembering to be aware and all that stuff. Two co-workers sent that to me!! Come on - is that appropriate! Is that what I needed to read! I had to remind that that I need to hear good news stories only as this was not helpful to me emotionally.

One never replied, the other said "oh yes, of course sorry" I dont think she was sorry though. It's really quite pathetic how others will treat you. You do eventually learn to cope better, and it will after a while be a little less on your mind. Like others have said, just learn to say nothing, and come in here for advice and support - this is the only place I have where there are other women who I can talk to who understand! Use this forum as much or little as you need - it's the only safe place I have, and we do understand how you feel and what 'they' are like.

I remember the insensitivity more early on - or did I just become immune - I don't know.  I do know that I encounter many people (mostly young) that think any cancer is no big deal anymore.  If someone they know passes away its because what they had was "aggressive".  I think that this insensitivity/lack of reality is encouraged by chest thumping celebrities like Patrick Swayze and others - it creates and rewards un-reality (I think I just invented this word).