OMG They Found the Cure for Stupid

i had a lady come into my work once, never met her before, and tried to push videos about the dangers of chemo and radiation. my best friend was there at the time and pretty much took care of my dirty work, told her "not interested"

duh, we know chemo is poison and we know radiation is bad too, but it kills cancer!!

i would much rather put my money on chemo and rads than aloe vera juice and 200 vitamins a day!

did you all see that "dateline" with suzanne somers pushing her book about cancer? and all these docs that tout a "cure" with coffee enemas and like 200 vitamins a day? but the evidence showed patients were not even benefitting from it!!!and these people were writing a check for $15,000- $20,000 just to have a consult with these quacks!!

BIG puff and pass.....

Sorry....choked a little....puff puff....

Passing....

And lets not forget the Scientologists have a cure as well, they just wont share it with the rest of the world

Make sure you are not using any plastic mugs to put the juice in. Plastic causes cancer!

Okay, just saw this and no way can I catch up...I'd have to smoke a lid! (that's how old I am..the term of my time) I tried my best and came up with this...

Back to the request of the OP for a cure for stupidity, may I offer:

Run for the Cure!!!
Ribbon color: fuschia with electric blue polka dots
Create a team of those wonderful folks who send angels, candles, and especially cures for cancer.
Create a second team just for those who tell you what caused your cancer.

Send team 1 off on a hot, hot day on a trail marked by closely-spaced torches blazing (for the candles). Angels will be spaced every hundred yards to provide mugs of steaming hot tea, coffee, or cocoa. Tell them that this is a run for the CURE! (Don't tell them it is a cure for stupitity)

Team 2 will probably not volunteer, so kidnap them. Force them to do whatever they claim caused your cancer...eat junk food, drink an offending beverage, etc. etc. etc. Release them when (if) they develop a modicum of intelligence, compassion, and/or common sense.

Money raised will be divided equally between the members of Victims of Oncological Stupidity

As requested here is the Updated Cure based on recent findings by our team of experts. Note : if you are just tuning in this will make absolutely NO sense if you haven't read the whole thread.*L*

Cure for Cancer ( New and Improved)

Have on hand:

73 rolls of Bounty ( cheaper brands will do in a pinch)

2 joints of "medicinal" marijuana ( may be substituted by 2 asparagus spears. Note: Dip spears in kerosene or they won't stay lit)

1 enema bag ( pink, if you can find one)

1 handful dried sage

1 crockpot

1 CB radio antenna

1 roll duct tape

1 pair rubber boots

1 roll tin foil

Snacks: ( aka Cleanse Diet) breadless sandwiches, doritos, brownies, pepsi, alcohol

Note: A recent Scientific Study (see page 6) had warned that consumption of bread causes choking in newborns and brings out latent criminal tendencies.

RECIPE

3 cups diced asparagus ( handpicked by Tibetan Monks preferable)

1 cup juice of  organic alkaline lemons

63 cloves of garlic

1 cup distilled water

Bones of REALLY old chicken

1 spritz of fungacide

1 road apple ( seasonal variations acceptable)

Eye of Newt

Pinch of sea salt

Simmer the above for 9 days until consistency of slime.

Set aside:

1 cup of concoction for enema

2 cups for topical application

1 cup for oral administration

1 cup for remaining body orifices ( to cover all the bases)

Remember to let cool first.

Instructions:

Consume "cleansng" snacks ad lib. Stuff fruit of your choice in bra . Fashion tin foil hat. Don rubber boots and duct tape CB antenna to your forehead. Administer enema while standing on left foot. Then apply topical mixture while pointing north by northwest. Prepare the oral portion and drink from an old chipped cup previously used by a Scientologist.Light sage and insert remaining mixture into all other body orifices using a trowel. After 4 day, expel enema and shower ( with Cure Guy if possible). Towel off with Bounty and insert 2 rolls in your pants. Smoke joints or asparagus.

Congratulations, you are now cured.

I'm undergoing recon and I love when they ask: "What size cup will you be"?  I don't have any boobs....WTF???? Right now I'm a 'turtle shell size 450cc!!

Also, when people see you they say:  Boy, you look great!!! I can't imagine what they expected to see?

Jan

Love the Updated Cure! Should we save the expelled stuff and give it to the stupid as a intelligence elixir?

* Looks back at Emily's update *

Oh no! 

I thought I was following this thread and preparing the cure properly. I must have smoked a little too much and missed that the recipe was supposed to simmer for 9 days.  I also missed the important detail of taping a CB antenna to my forehead.  Other than that, I followed it to the letter.

Damn, now I'm screwed!   Would someone please help me towel this stuff off of me and pass the asparagus??

Thanks crazy women ... I needed this thread!

EMILY!!!   LOVE YOU .... passing your way ...

Smokin' a little asparagus!  Please pass..

Emily - for next update don't forget to add do not cook it in teflon pot

I can see now that our "cure" may need to be updated on a regular basis...*L*  I'm still thinking about an antidote for "bread poisoning"...

Wondering now if our "Cure Guy from NM" trackers have been caught in an ambush.

Cake sounds like an excellent antidote for bread poisoning..maybe chocolate cake..maybe double chocolate cake with chocolate icing and garnished with chocolate chips...and brownies.. and maybe even some chocolate sprinkles...