Tired of being Strong-HELP!

Kajacoma · February 2011

Hi everyone. I was diagnosed in Nov., had a double mast in Dec. And just finished Round 2 of 6 Chemo. I will then have 6 weeks of radiation. I have two boys ages 9 & 13 so I pretty much have to stay positive for them. But yesterday I just got....tired. Tired of being strong and brave. Tired of handling this cancer crap with "such grace". I am tired of being bald. Tired of being having no boobs, tired of my hands peeling like a lizard, tired of having to give an update to everyone I see, tired of Meds....just tired of having cancer. Why do the people around me not understand that I can feel this way for not one particular reason? No, it's not something you did or didn't do (husband) and no it's not menapause from the hormone shots (mother)! It just SUCKS to have cancer once in a while!! Is that OK???!

lorrhaw · February 2011

You have come to the right place to vent your frustration and rage and the fact that you are tired of having cancer and all that comes along with it. All of us have been where you are and know how you are feeling. Trying to be strong and brave while battling the fear can we a lonely place that only people with cancer can really relate to. I hope this doesn't sound trite but I want you to know that eventually you will start to feel a little better. Getting through chemo sucks but it is doable. I encourage you to find the thread on this forum for others who have started chemo the same month as you since being able to "talk" with others going through what you are going through at the same time really does help. I see that this is your first post and I hope that you continue to reach out on the forum in the various threads that you can relate to. This forum has helped me through some dark days and I have come to rely on everybody here so much. I hope that you can find a little time today to do something that you really enjoy such as a hotbath, reading a good book or coffee with a friend. Now is the perfect time to pamper yourself whenever possible and you deserve it.

I don't often send cyber hugs because I'm not a cyber huggy kind of person but I am sending you one this morning.

Lorraine

Kajacoma · February 2011

Thank you so much Lorraine! I have not been nauseous or sick but I have other terrible side effects like blisters etc. I also get tired of hearing " it could be worse...you could be throwing up". I know this is true so I feel like I can't even whine about my side effects. Does any of this make sense? I don't know why this all hit me yesterday. I'm hoping for a more emotionally stable day today!

SAMayoFL · February 2011

Kaja, all I can say is I truly understand what you are saying. In the beginning, I swore if one more person told me that nowadays breast cancer isn't that bad I was going to end up in the county jail. Where I am standing, breast cancer sucks! As Lorraine said, come back here often. On good days and bad, post your triumphs, milestones and, of course, those days when a total meltdown is all that will allow you to release the emotion.

Susan

CTMOM1234 · February 2011

This is definitely the place to let your emotions out -- whatever and whenever -- and please tell that husband of yours that none of this is your fault (I never took birth control or hormone replacement, eat well, exercise, nursed our children, not overweight, no family history, I'm in my 40s -- just luck/unluck, no one should ever doubt that these things happen to perfectly innocent people). I didn't do chemo., but did rads., and found much comfort in daily postings on the rads boards with others who began in the same month as I did.

So, yes, cancer sucks and it is OK to just get through this however you do it, weak or strong, you'll get through it.

Anniemomofthree · February 2011

SO WITH YOU AT THIS VERY MOMENT!!!!!

November diagnosis. December BMX. Kids 13, 11, and 7. Age 43. Chemo - 3 of 6 TCH done. UGHH! Just spent an exhausting weekend staying at a holiday inn for a sports tournament. Hubby at another tournament. Spent the weekend telling everyone how it is all doable, things are going well, etc. Frankly, no one wants to hear it sucks! But it does. Had my first appt last week with someone to talk...looking forward to another session.

I wish we could go to coffee and complain.

iodine · February 2011

Bless you, you are SO right. cancer sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are in the right place to find those who know what you are feeling and experiencing. One of the first lessons that is helpful to learn is that you are NOT superwoman and will get no stars in your crown in heaven by becomming one. If you verbalize how you feel to Anyone who's not been there, you will get the same caring responses, because they care and because they cannot understand, as much as they would like to, and like you, we hope they never do.

I have never pushed pills to anyone, but I found that I was better able to address ALL the things I had to address in real life, with a little help. In fact, I'd love to start a movement that anyone given the diagnosis of breast cancer is also provided with a prescription for meds that would help her/him thru it. Your onc is likely the one to approach for this type of treatment, not a primary care doc. As much as we all dislike 1)admitting we could use some help and 2) asking for a medication, I can highly recommend this route in getting thru and beyond the treatment of this awful disease. It F*&^$^&*(ING SUCKS

Anonymous · February 2011

Ditto to Iodine'smovement that you get diagnosed with BC you get offered or suggested prescription meds for anxiety. I have slowly been teaching those around me to say - Good to see you - rather than- Hi, how are you? - or even worse - You're looking good - like they are waiting to run into me - Looking bad.

Lynkoura · February 2011

Kajacoma

Yes it sucks and you don't have to be strong. Have meltdowns. Scream and rage. Just get through each day.

I'm further on in this process than you and although I still have some issues going on I can give you hope that one day when you have finished treatments, finished visting oncologists and surgeons and doctors you will be able to pick up your life again and start doing things that give you pleasure. I think many people have times when they are in despair. Think about what you need to do for yourself each day. It might be hugs, it might be a safe vent with a friend, a coffee, a drink. Find what gives you pleasure and try get some. It can be really hard, but, in six months time I hope you'll find lots more pleasure in your life.

Having said all that stuff, it still really sucks and most people just don't get it. Good luck.

SeaFoobs

That "looking good" comment really wound me up too. Why can't they ask how we are feeling. One day I told someone that it was nice to know that I looked good when I felt like cr..p.

SuebeeBC · February 2011

Its funny that the 'looking good' comments dont bother me.....only my BFF has the balls to tell me when I look like crap (And she does tell me when I do, or if Im getting too skinny or if my hair is a mess, God Bless her I want to slap her but I love her) but when someone else tells me I look good, I just say thanks and move on. Its the 'How are you feeling" ones that bother me! I am so tired of answering this question in a glossed over fashion because I know they probably dont really want to hear how I REALLY feel. They mainly want to hear me say 'fine' instead of "Im sick of this $hit, tired of the upside down salad plate in my chest, wish I would heal faster, and really just want to get back to normal!"

Funny how different comments effect us differently! I know people just dont know what to say or how to start a coversation. I feel like I have nothing to talk about these days BUT my recovery. Oh great - I just realized I am going out to lunch with the neighborhood girls today - I better come up with something to talk about!!! LOL!!!

I saw a quote today by Lena Horne but Ill paraphrase - Its not the size of the load that breaks you, its the way in which you carry it.

Great Quote - but everone needs to put the load down once in a while and rest. There is only so far you can carry the load without needing to get away from it for a little while.

Tired of being Strong-HELP!

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