Hubby's waning suppoer

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D4Hope
D4Hope Member Posts: 352
edited June 2014 in IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)

My husband was wonderful during my diagnosis, surgery and chemo. He however has lost patience with me because I have some side effects from tamoxifen. Bone pain and just feeling tired alot. I also get headaches more than I used to. We were at his sisters house tonight and I asked to go home because I didn't feel well. He screamed at me all the way home. He said it was my fault I felt like shit and that if I only excercised more I would feel better. He said I rely too much on pills(all I take is tamoxifen, celexa and vitamin D) He said he was sick on me feeling tired and that I just need to get over it. I hate him right now and wish I had somewhere else to go. We have three kids and sometimes I get overwhelmed but I always tend to their needs and even when I feel bone tired I help with homewrok and drive them to sports etc. I feel hurt by my husbands outburst. He's thinks I don't give a damn about my health. HELLO. I am the one who had both my breasts hacked off, did chemo and now take tamoxifen. If I didn't care I would not have done any of that. I guess I just don't get it. I don't know WTH he wants from me. He doesn't live in constant fear over every ache and pain, he feels I am cured and need to get over it already.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

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  • D4Hope
    D4Hope Member Posts: 352
    edited February 2011

    Oh crap I meant to type support in my title.

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  • jo1955
    jo1955 Member Posts: 8,543
    edited February 2011

    I can relate to the bone pain and feeling tired all the time. I take Tamox as well.  I can't imagine having to take care of 3 children on top of everything you have been through.  Does hubby help at all around the house or does he expect you to wait on him hand and foot?  

    You are not over this yet and may never be.  It just gets easier to deal with as time goes on.  We have to make the decision to put BC on the back burner and move on - otherwise we would be basket cases.  

    I am sorry to hear you are in this situation and am at a loss as to what to tell you other than the ladies on this website are here to support you.

    (((HUGS))) 

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  • mrsnjband
    mrsnjband Member Posts: 1,409
    edited February 2011

    I'm sorry your hubby upset you, I think they get scared and don't know how to handle things.  Men put issues in boxes and then set them aside and don't understand why we don't do that.  My DH has been really good about things but still has his moments.  I didn't have to take tamoxifen and I am tired every day. 

    Sending a cyper {{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}} NJ

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  • D4Hope
    D4Hope Member Posts: 352
    edited February 2011

    Thanks for the replies ladies. I am just beside myself. I can't imagine treating hubby this way if he were not feeling well. I know men handle things differently but he acted like I want to feel like crap, like it was my choice. I work with first graders everday on my job and I am always moving. I love my job and certainly get plenty of excercise. I do put the cancer on the back burner as often as possible. Sometimes I even forget about it, but sometimes I just feel like a wet dish rag. My husband really came down on me hard. I guess I am just feeling alone. Thanks ladies for caring.

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  • cindisue
    cindisue Member Posts: 7
    edited February 2011

    I also take tamoxifen along with Calcium to help w/bones that the tamoxifen can harm, Vit D to break down the Calcium, a multi-vitamin, folic acid, fish oil for the hot flashes tamoxifen can cause and a B12 for a "pick-me-up".  I felt really tired during my radiation treatments which was last April 19th, but was feeling pretty good by my neice's wedding on July 4th.  Everyone's different, that is for sure.  When do you go back to your oncologist?  I get blood work each visit and my oncologist adjusts/adds/takes away based on the #'s.  Last visit she added the folic acid.  All this said, hopefully you can get a pick me up, however, about your husband?  That's just too sad.  I wish I could give you a big hug, tell you you're not alone and that it will get better.  I'm fortunate that I have a wonderful husband...he didn't miss a doc appt. or treatment of 8 chemo sessions and has been my biggest cheerleader.  I wish you had the same.  And to tell you the truth, right now it's really hard to build up your stamina with the weather being so bad.  I don't know where you are, but here in Louisville, it seems it has snowed for a solid month and when it's so bad and you can't get out...well...  It's been a year since my masectomy and I still don't feel completely healed...so there you go.  I pray you feel better and that your husband will come to be more understanding and patient.  (((((HUGS)))))  Cindi

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  • Paula1231
    Paula1231 Member Posts: 456
    edited February 2011

    So sorry D4Hope,

    I am sending huggs your way.  I would wait till you both calm down and have a frank conversation about his expectations and your true feelings.  I think he needs to know how he hurt your feelings and that it will take some time before you are feeling up to life in general.  He just can't expect you to bounce back like you were before, and you deserve better treatment.

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  • Smile_On
    Smile_On Member Posts: 141
    edited February 2011

    Please don't feel alone.  Know that there are people here that definitely relate.  So sorry your husband reacted the way he did.  He definitely reacted inappropriately (in my opinion at least).  I think that the men in our life don't always understand what we feel and go through, especially when we're the type of people to put on a happy face and try as hard as we can to push through.  Hopefully he can have some time to blow off steam and then you can talk to him about how at a moment where you were already not feeling good he made it worse and what you needed from him instead.  I think it is hard for them to come to the realization that some SE's are not short term and that their lives will be forever changed just like ours.  Hope you can get some sleep tonight.  Definitely keep us updated and feel free to PM a vent anytime!

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  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 1,431
    edited February 2011

    Hey D4,

    I'm so sorry you are going thru this. If I were you, I would present him with some literature explaining the side effects of Tamoxifen ( I know how bad it is, I took it too). If that doesnt sway him then by all means call your cancer center and ask to set up a meeting with their counselor or whoever they use, maybe even your onc, and have them explain it. Some people start to feel better with time, I did not.  

     I dont care if you share this with your hubby. I had been on Tamox for 11 months. Each month I became more stiff, sore, unable to do normal things like vacuum, mop etc, my mind was always foggy also, As time passed, I could no longer even write a check without someone checking it to make sure it was correct, My critical thinking skills went down the toilet. It was like I was in a dream state all the time. Never really there. I had severe leg cramps every 15 min and was exhausted. My onc told me it wasnt from tamox and was due to chemo etc that I had had months earlier. One weekend we went camping and I forgot to take my Tamox. Having been told that if that ever happened to not worry, I didnt. The first morning I woke up and felt rested and clearer but thought it was just cause I needed to get away. Next morn I woke up and turned to my hubby and said.."OMG I am a wake" Of course he thought I lost my mind LOL. I walked out of that camper and kissed the ground and the grass and noticed all kinds of things aorund me that I hadnt noticed b4.  That monday I went in to see my onc and told her what happened. She said that although unusual to have an immediate impact like that..she finally agreed that Tamox was causing it. Each person who takes it may have differnt issues. My aunt said she never had one side effect and others like you and I are hit hard with them. The added stress that he is causing you is only going to make things worse. I know it was worse for me whenever I got super upset. I didnt expect for people to baby me, but I did expect that they understand. Hope this all works out for you. Hugs, Mazy 

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited February 2011

    I'm sorry that your DH lost his cool and let out his frustrations on you.  Without knowing you and your DH personally, it is hard to say what set him off, but I do remember watching the Today show last year while I was home during treatment - they were interviewing a couple that had written a book about their experiences.  They talked about a day in which they were at the zoo or park and the wife had fallen down (she was in treatment), the husband got so mad that he yelled at her and stalked off leaving her on the ground.  The interviewer asked the husband why he allowed such and unflattering thing to be put in the book and he said that he wanted people to know that it happens, the sometimes the caregivers/family members lose their cool under the pressure and do things that they regret.  He said that that situation did help he and his wife because they realized that they need to TALK about their feelings.  His yelling at her for falling wasn't him being a bad mean husband, it was about a bigger issue that wasn't being expressed. I hope that is the category you and your husband fall into - you're happy with each other, but just need to talk about the incredible amount of stress this has put on both of you. 

    I am not defending your husband, you don't deserve what happened, being treated like that is truly unacceptable and I hope that your DH realizes that he owes you and apology and explanation after he thinks about it.  In the meantime know that we're here for you - rant away.............

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  • CrazyKitties
    CrazyKitties Member Posts: 180
    edited February 2011

    Tell that selfish SOB that YOU have given so much of yourself to HIM, your KIDS, and your STUDENTS, that now, YOU ARE SICK. I have had the same problem, my dear! Twice, 2 different illnesses. I am guilty of putting others before myself. I would have a "come to Jesus" meeting with him and tell him that things are going to change. You don't need him. You deserve to be loved and listened to, you deserve to be believed and honored.

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