scared and feeling alone

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jan264732
jan264732 Member Posts: 4
edited June 2014 in Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer

the youngest of 6 girls and no breast cancer on either side and i at age 45 get it. My family and friends are behind me and support me but nobody knows what i am going thru. Had a Mastectomy on 12/2/2010, a date i never will forget. My fiance, is here for me. we are to be married may 14,2011. Yes a dewrag wedding. Everything just happened so fast. Losing my hair now after 2 chemos and feeling guilty that i am not at work. feeling sorry for my fiance that he has to deal with this. feeling sorry for my family that i am the one that is putting them thru this. finding out stuff that nobody told me before as nobody knows. Just found out today that i am not suppose to wear contacts and I really need them. No eye doctor will see me.Found this website by accident but after reading the posts i hope you all can talk to me and help me thru this ordeal and if there is anything i can do, just ask unless it involves money. lol    I am a person that when it gets tough, i have to say something funny so please understand. Thank you for letting me post this

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  • iodine
    iodine Member Posts: 4,289
    edited February 2011

    Hi and welcome to the place no one wanted to find---this sorority has a hell of an initiation, doesn't it?

    We're here and SO glad you found us.  This place is a lifesaver, not only with good information from the professionals who set it up, but from we who are walking the same path that you are.  If there is an emotion, feeling, pain or problem that you have, I can assure you that there will be another here who has had it and actually come thru it.  We are at your service.

    First, may I say, that being a superwoman is not part of the program -- most of us felt/feel the way you do right now BUT, you didn't give yourself breast cancer and are not responsible for the effects it may have on your supportive (thank God) family and friends.

    Second: the greatest gift we can offer another is to allow them to be helpful -- know how good it felt when someone would let you bring over a dinner, or whom you helped in some other small or big way?  Well, please don't deny your family and friends that good feeling.  Your are doing a service for each other, theirs is just more tangible.  (this time)

    And you are allowed any feeling you may have, it's a law here.  You are free to laugh, cry, vent, cuss, and dump any and all feelings and concerns here.  We'll do our best to keep up.

    Blessings!

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  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited February 2011

    Hi Jan and welcome.  These boards can and will be a great source of information and support as all who are here really know and understand what you are going through.  Please, visit often and let us hold you up through the hard times and laugh with you through the good.  By finding BCO, you have just aquired hundreds of sisters who will always be there for you.

    Peace, strength, love n hugs.  Chrissyb

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  • Texas357
    Texas357 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited February 2011

    Jan, one of the most frustrating and scary parts of this diagnosis is that information can be so hard to find ... and as you mentioned, facts and warnings keep popping up just when you think you've been told everything you need to know. Keep coming back and asking questions. And congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding!

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  • pickle
    pickle Member Posts: 1,409
    edited February 2011

    Hello Jan and welcome to the club that no one ever intended to be in.

    You will find a lot of knowledge and friendship here that will help you along every step in your journney. The posts above by Iodine is spot on. Ask for help because your friends and family want to be helpful. Come here for ino, to laugh, to cry etc.

    You have no reason to feel guilty but I think most of us have gone through that phase too.

    What chemo regimen are you getting? Will you be doing rads after.

    For questions regarding your treatment, there is a forum here that probably has a group that started chemo at the same time as you. Also, there is a stage I & II forum. You will find lots of topics that will be good resources for you.

    Hugs

    Beth P

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  • grneyd5600
    grneyd5600 Member Posts: 420
    edited February 2011

    Hi Jan,  First let me assure you that you are at the right place.  We can all provide support as we go through this.  I was diagnosed at 47 with no family hx either.  I can relate to how you feel.  You sound a lot like how I felt worried about "collateral" damage around you.  I worried for months about my family and friends and how hard the whole experience was on them.  They told me and I will tell you - your job right now is concentrate on you!  I know you are scared and worried - we all are so lean on us here as much as you need to.  Ask questions on here and stay positive.  Keep pushing forward and one day you will wake up and realize you are at the end of the treatment and you are a "survivor"!

    Congratulations on the upcoming wedding!  That is wonderful.  My son is also getting married in May 2011 so we have a lot in common.  Can't wait to hear all about your plans.

    Take care and hang on!  We are here to help and you can lean on us.

    Jackie

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  • Cat123
    Cat123 Member Posts: 296
    edited February 2011

    You are not alone!  This forum is so wonderful and filled with great women and we are all going through this together.  I am single with very little family...a couple of cousins but great friends....but the support you get from the women on this board helps so much.  You can private message me or any women any time.

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  • jan264732
    jan264732 Member Posts: 4
    edited February 2011

    thanks everyone for your support. It is great to hear from you all. You dont know how good it felt to let some emotions out cause i can do that with friends and family but they dont understand everything I am going thru like you all do. What do you all do when you go out in public and have no hair? I just get sick and tired of everybody saying, "It's only hair, it will grow back!" I know this but they arent pulling out clumps. Will people stare at me? This is my big hurdle right now. I dont want to leave my home.I have no idea all the stuff they are putting in my system. i go in every other Thurs for 2 hours then take 3 different nausea pills and an injection for 2 days after that. Then I feel like crap for about 6 days from side effects of everything. It is like giving yourself the flu. then the last 4 treatments are like 4 hours long. Will I feel worse on those?

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  • starbeauty
    starbeauty Member Posts: 327
    edited February 2011

    jan - regarding the hair issue - I ordered the most amazing little wig from tlc.org for about $50.  It was close to my style - but I went with an auburn color - and it really looked great on me.  The rad MD said I had the best wig ever.  It took me from feeling like a freak to feeling cute again.  It came in the mail in about 2 weeks.  I wore it out and around - and took it off at home - I used it straight through the summer.  I cried when I had my husband shave my head - but we started laughing and got through it.  It isn't only hair... our entire sense of "woman" is under attack - you feel ugly - I can't have a reconstruction - my hair is gone - my boob is gone - my face is full of steroids.  At that point when someone tells you the bright side - that at least you are alive - you feel like punching them.  It is a slow road back.  My hair is about 4 inches long - 8 months after chemo stopped.  I've had it trimmed a couple of times - I walked out of my house with 1 inch of hair in August - so proud of it and my eyelashes... I felt beautiful at the time... pictures from those days say otherwise - but who cares.  The second treatments will give you a different set of side effects.  For me the fatigue, aches, joint and muscle pain - nerve pain - were worse than the first set of chemo - but everyone is different.  I got through and you will too... just keep going one minute at a time.

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  • iodine
    iodine Member Posts: 4,289
    edited February 2011

    The Am. Cancer Society has a site within it's site that carries a wealth of goodies for head covering: scarfs, hats, wigs, etc.

    They have a great return policy, too, or used to.  You can get some great ideas from them: tlc.com

    Big earrings are great when you don't wear a wig.  Also, ck out the head bands that help a wig stay on and feel more comfortable. 

    Also, ck with your cancer center to find out if they have a "look good, feel better" program comming up or close by.  It's a good way to learn to draw in your brows and some good skin care.  They also have lot of samples. 

    Sadly, for some women the chemo does get some more side effects as you go along.  One thing to really take to heart: Call your doc or chemo nurse if your meds for side effects is not working!  They have a chest of other meds to help you thru the worst of the side effects.  Drink WATER, if you can stand it. At least try and keep hydrated, your side effects may lessen and it will help the dry skin.   Let people help!  Mashed potatoes taste good, when nothing else does.

    When people offer to help:: let them wash your sheets and towels---and clean the bathroom.  Change the linens. Run the vaccum, pick up kids, go to grocery or drug store. They all call and ask what can I do: tell them!  Your husband is likely helpful, but no one cleans like a woman, IMO.  (ok, guys, don't flame me)

    Keep comming here and asking questions.

    Hugs

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  • rumoret
    rumoret Member Posts: 685
    edited February 2011

    Hi Jan,

    Glad I stepped in to read your entire post. I'm also from a family of six girls.....except I am the 5th daughter and the only child to get breast cancer. Breast cancer knocked on our family's door when it visited my mother at age 69 years old in 1999. We were all shocked! My mother is the oldest of 10 children...5 girls and 5 boys....no one in her immediate family has had breast cancer. My mother asked me to go with her to each of her chemo sessions....and I was more than happy to be with her.  In 2006, I was diagnosed with breast cancer (49 years old).....I was not surprised...but my family was shocked! I remember thinking that going to her chemo sessions was good practice should I ever get breast cancer......well that thought became my reality.

    Anyway.....I want to agree with Iodine....let others help you when ever they volunteer. I also picked up my favorite hooped earrings and wore pretty head scarfs. I was not working at the time so taking care of myself was my main job. I made sure that I always put a little makeup on each day...played up my eyes....blush...and a little lip gloss. Just doing that made me feel better. I did not buy a wig...but I did have a floppy denim hat that had shoulder length hair attached to it.

    In regards to how you feel during chemo..you can have each chemo session taking a little more of your energy....but everyone is so different. Just drink plenty of water and make sure you keep your bowels moving....don't want to get backed up.Embarassed 

    Just remember.....everyone on this site will do their best to answer your questions and hold your hand through this journey. Sending you a big HUG.

    Terry

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  • jan264732
    jan264732 Member Posts: 4
    edited February 2011

    thank you very much for your respose. with this website i dont feel alone or scared anymore.just went thru the 3rd set on thurs and only slept for about 3 hours that night but that is what i seem to do for the first few days then it is knock out time.the nurses at chemo are so sweet. i am gonna make them all something and give it to them at the last one. im not so emotional about the hair loss anymore so that helps but man that was very rough on me. i just call my mom or sisters and they can get me laughing. hope to talk to you again

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  • CrazyKitties
    CrazyKitties Member Posts: 180
    edited March 2011

    You need to let others step in and help you. Don't feel guilty! People want to help you, so let them. The guilt you are feeling is normal, however, it serves ALL of us no purpose.Would you make someone in your family feel guilty if they got cancer and could not do their regular committments? NO. You need to rest and recover. To your health and to your happiness!!!xoxxoo

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  • woodstock
    woodstock Member Posts: 53
    edited March 2011

    Hi Jan and Welcome!  Its terribel how we have to find out information.  My dental hygenist called before my appt because on chemo you aren't allowed to clean your teeth.  All the bacteria.  My exterminater refused to come to my home when I was home.  The chemicals are highly toxic with chemo.  An eye doctor should see you.  You may not be able to wear CLs for a bit, but eyeglasses are different.  Understandably your RX will change as your body adjusts to treatment and your dr will know that.  There is no reason to have eye strain with everything else.  Being an optician, I change RXs every 2-4 months for people going through all different types of treatment.

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  • AmyIsStrong
    AmyIsStrong Member Posts: 1,755
    edited March 2011

    I wore my contacts straight through chemo. No one told me any different. I saw my eye doctor just prior to starting to get glasses cause I didn't have any. Turns out I couldn't wear them - the correction was just too different and made me incredibly dizzy and gave instant headache.  But he never mentioned not wearing contacts during that visit - the glasses were for 'just in case.'

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  • LADI
    LADI Member Posts: 1
    edited March 2011

    I TOO AM THE YONGEST, BUT OF FOUR GIRLS.  WHILE I DID NOT FIND OUT UNTIL AFTER I WAS DIAGNOSED JUST HOW DEEP IT RAN ON BOTH SIDES OF MY FAMILY.  I HAVE BEEN SO DEPRESSED. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO ONE TO TURN TO.  NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW THIS REALLY TAKES CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE........I HAVE ALWAYS PRIDED MYSELF ON HELPING PEOPLE, REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH.....BE IT MORALLY OR FINANCIALLY.  NOW I FIND MYSELF BY MYSELF.  I FEEL LIKE IM GETTING PITY SUPPORT FROM MY FAMILY IN TERMS OF THEM HELPING ME WITH MY BILLS.  MY SO CALLED SIGNIFICANT OTHER OF 20 YEARS THAT  WE'VE ACTUALLY LIVED TOGETHER, DOESNT EVEN CARE ENOUGH TO BE SUPPORTIVE.  MOST DAYS I JUST WISH I COULD JUST DISSAPPEAR.

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  • njbhwgirl
    njbhwgirl Member Posts: 295
    edited March 2011

    I wore my contacts all through chemo which was May thru August last year. Granted my vision wasn't great but I blame that on the chemo..Once I was off chemo for about 2 months the blurryness and black floaters went away. I would re ask your onc. about the contacts

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited March 2011

    LADI...I'm sorry that you have to go through this journey, but glad that you found this wonderful group of women....come and visit often and post when you feel up to it....We're here to hold your hand....Its one day at a time.....Karen

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  • shelby-1966
    shelby-1966 Member Posts: 7
    edited May 2011

    Hi Jan,

    I am still fairly new to this site as well....but everyone here is very kind and supportive. I am the "middle-one" of sisters three.  I have an older and younger sister and as well I was diagnosed in January '2009 and felt badly because no one else in my family had cancer up until this point(breast cancer).  I felt bad as well that I was putting my family threw something but (blood is thicker than water) I am sure they will understand.....it's not your fault and you are not to blame!  It's normal to feel how you are feeling and you are not alone.  Besides your friends and family we have all walked on this same journey together here. 

    I hope this helps you in some small way Smile

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