Radiation and Emotions

This is not unusual, ask your onc for some medication to get through the last few days.  Just a little Ativan and you can sail in and out and be done with this thing.

You have come so far, finish it.

Gentle hugs, Shirlann

My goodness star, I would cry too.  I am so glad my rads experience has not been like that.  It lasts all of about 3 minutes and there is no mirror.  

I have not been crying any more than usual, but I can tell I am growing more anxious as the end of treatment gets near.  I am not sure if it is just the last 6 months finally hitting me . . . like the adrenaline of treatment has stopped and now I am just worn out.  Or if it is the fear of entering a phase where I am less actively watched by the doctors.  Or if it is the fear of entering the "wait and see if it comes back" phase, which I think is going to be the hardest part.  Probably all three in combination.

 The experience for me was like a daily dose of "Oh my god - I have cancer".  It's right there, in your face, everyday. It was also very isolating in that you are in there by yourself and it felt lonely even though I had lots of support and the staff was great.  It was certainly overwhelming at times but it does get better. I was so ready to be done at the end. I'm one month done and feeling much better.  Hang in there - you can make it.

I'm on that road too, Sheuber. We have been through so much. There is something very upsetting about watching this radiation run through the body. It's like the final smack of torture we endure. It gives us moments to reflect on what damage has been done during the session, and as brave as I usually am, it became an emotion of pure frustration.

I am two weeks ahead you you, and I can say I am feeling better already! Good luck to you all!

About half way through rads, I felt like, "No, no, no, I can't do this anymore.....I just want to run away." Of course that would not have worked because I would have had to take my body with me! I think it is such an emotional time because a person has had both such an emotional and physical shock, and really has had to stay strong and focused on just getting through it all, so when you finally at the finish line of 'active treatment'...that's when it all hits you.....but it does recede, and what a friend who is a 30 plus year BC survivor told me is true, it becomes just a tiny drop of time in the whole rest of your life. Best of Luck! Ruth

I too feel a ton more emotional now going trhough radiation.  Maybe it's all finally hitting home now and the reality of what we've been through has totally set in. I get tearful rather easily and can barely talk about getting breast cancer without feeling very emotional/sad about it. I am halfway through radiation and I am so ready to give up. I know my emotions are playing a role.  (that and the painful red skin I have)

Hi CTMOM.   And hi everyone else! 

I, too, am approaching my one-year anniversary of starting rads... and I, too, had a very difficult time with it, emotionally.  I was fine through the surgical phase of treatment, but it was during rads that I became depressed.  For me it was a number of factors, but the three biggest were: 1) I really liked my surgeon, and really did NOT like the rad. onc. and did not connect with the techs, 2) Although I had surgery 3 times (lump. plus two reexcisions), it was only one day each time, whereas rads meant being a cancer patient EVERY SINGLE DAY for 6 weeks (with weekends off), and that felt awful, and 3) Surgery = taking something harmful out of my body = definitely a good thing, whereas radiation = putting something dangerous and scary into my body to get rid of something else dangerous and scary = confusing and overwhelming. 

I had my sobbing meltdown on approximately day 10, over having to wear the hospital gown, of all things.  I cried and cried about how I didn't want to wear the gown, because it made me feel like a sick person every day when I wasn't.  I was crying too much to hold still on the table, so I got a 10-pill Lorazepam prescription from my oncologist and took half a pill during the particularly difficult days.  This was hard for me to agree to, because in general, I'm really anti-drug and prefer natural treatments.  The problem was that while I knew natural treatments would help my anxiety and depression (herbs, psychotherapy, vitamins and diet, etc.), I did not have TIME to try natural treatments, since radiation was every single day and I couldn't take a break from it, and a drug was the only thing that would work IMMEDIATELY.

I didn't cry at all on my last day... I was as giddy as a teenager, so happy that it was all over.  I literally RAN out of the treatment room and out of the cancer center.  I hated that whole experience so much that I begrudgingly went to the 6-week follow-up with the rad. onc., but I'm refusing to go for any more follow-ups, despite having breast lymphedema.  I'll continue to see just my surgeon, medical oncologist, and naturopath.

I only have 8 boosts left to complete. I missed rads yesterday and today, I felt dizzy and funky. I think it is emotional and not illness. Unless you count illness in my head.

 I have wound up with 27 rads and 10 boosts total due to me missing appointments. This is absolutely crazy, I can hardly believe I have done this.  I think I need a keeper who would force me out of the bed and out the door. I haven't heard of anyone else doing this dumb thing. I would say it was passive agressive except I don't have any agressive feelings connected to this. I am sure I am annoying the heck out of the staff, I am pretty sure one of the staff is not speaking to me. I can hardly blame her, she knows how stiupid this is of me to do this.

Trying to spell it out in the light so that maybe I can see what I am doing. 

Hugs, I hope you are all doing better than I am.

Ginger

Ginger - who cares what the staff think - it is their job to put up with our emotions too.  We are a whole person - not just a piece of meat to radiate... and as that whole person they need to support our emotional needs too.  What you did - you did.  Move forward knowing you have done the majority of the treatments - and you are almost done with it.  Hang in there Ginger... and let your inner voice lead you.  Warm hugs for your day...

Hello,

Wow...so nice to read what you wrote.  I feel the same way about the surgery being a "good" thing in the sense it was removing something that was harming me.  I do not know if I can go through radiation for a 4% reduction in recurrence knowing that it will damage 10% of my lung.  I had extensive DCIS with a margin only clearing by half millimeter so now it is radiation or tamoxifen.  I just want it to go away!  I can't not make a decision as to what to do! Thanks for expressing so well!

having same problem and just started radiation.. I feel I should be fine since I didn't need chemo..what's the matter with me

Hey sunflower9 - so sorry you are going through this, too. I was glad to find this thread on emotions. I'm about 2/3 through rads and it's gone well. I love the techs. Surgery was also fine. Really liked my surgeon. My emotional issue - started shortly after I started rads - has been Rage - not at techs or radiation or even cancer, but just super quick to anger and slow to subside. Don't much like my oncologist - no communication - and am also seriously doubting whether to move on to AIs. His "here, take this drug and I'll see you in a year" approach doesn't do much for my confidence. But don't want to make a decision based on anger.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are navigating a situation that's hard on your body and mind and you arefaced with difficult decisions at the same time. I wish you lots of luck in this sucky process.

I'm so glad I found this page! I googled the topic since I couldn't find it by typing in "Crying and radiation" in this search box.

It's my last week of radiation (6 1/2 weeks after 3 months of bi-weekly chemo--Stage III, cancer in most lymphnodes on left side, cancer in both breasts. Sorry, I never figured out how to do my profile at the bottom....

I had to tell myself to "toughen up" before going in for my boost today. I think it's exactly as one woman just wrote that it's a combination of so many things. For me, too, it's letting go of trying so hard to be a good patient and do everything they told me to do for 9 months...

But I am an emotional person anyway, and I cried sometimes on chemo. I remember my oncologist (who I switched to one at Dana Farber who had a heart...) saying that she never heard of crying or being emotional as a side affect of chemo--REALLY?? I doubted that one, and just quietly replied that she did now.

I have learned to accept that my body has gone through hell, including the hormonal havic, the estrogen sucked out of me, and that my facial hair did return (the first to return) I have to add humor or I'll go mad.

Anyway, ladies, I'm going to try to stop when beating myself up for crying. It's a great outlet, too, and can be very therapeutic -- Here Here for showing emotions!!

Thank you for such a positive message. My girlfriend,in her early 50's is the most exciting, loving, funny and normally confident girl. She was diagnosed just before last Christmas with an aggressive breast cancer in one breast. It was a fast growing cancer and between diagnosis and her lumpectomy the site had developed from 7mm to 28. She subsequently had potentially vulnerable lymph node biopsies carried out and thankfully they were not affected. She then went through a daily bout of radiotherapy which was often painful and left her listless and tired. She is going through the menopause at the same time as taking a daily dose of tamoxifen and has experienced major doubts and fears about the future. She has become so unsure about herself and feels lost. When she was having surgery and the follow up treatment she felt she had a plan. Now she is having to try to get back to work and pick up her life again she is feeling unsure about everything and that includes me. Is there anyone out there who has gone through this situation? I just want to know how to help this wonderful loving girl find a way forward