maybe it's just winter blues...may be a downer

everyminute
everyminute Member Posts: 1,805
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

I hate winter, I mean really hate it.  I have been saving money since I was 30 with the sole intent to become a snow bird when we retire.  We met with a financial advisor so we could plan on retiring at 55 (all pre bc).  That (and my fireplace) is what got me through the cold NY winters.

I am having a tough time with that now.  The first winter after diagnosis, I was just finishing treatment (rads through Feb 6) and had to remind myself on a minute by minute basis not to think too far into the future.  Second winter was mostly absorbed by my dad's illness and death.  I did get a short warm weather get away each winter and we usually travel to SC in the Spring.

This winter has been especially cold in the Northeast and this trip to Miami (where it was sunny and 70's every day) made me realize even more how much I hate winter and I have little faith in my future as a snow bird.

Try as I might, it brings me no sense of peace (like it did pre diagnosis) to think of being a snow bird and retiring "someday".  I don't do "someday" - not in my vocab and it scares the crap out of me.  If I want something, I go for it. NOW 

In fact, seeing all the older couples in Florida freaked me out.  A lot!  It makes me crazy (and yes, sad) to think I won't get there.  I know there is a chance I will and even without bc there was a chance I wouldnt but that isn't how I thought before, how normal people think.  They have dreams and I guess that is what I am grieving.

To make matters worse, my husband (who is the best husband in the world) won't even consider moving.  We could swing it in a few years - my youngest will be in college in a few years and  we could sell our house, we both could find new jobs, health care (I dont want to talk about politics) changes will make the bc diagnosis covered no matter what.  But he loves the snow and NY.

I even did research and found that Ashevlille, NC is one of the best town/cities to live in and started looking at real estate. 

I just want everything out of life and am so afraid that I will run out of time before I get it.

I know nowhere is perfect but I want to move to NC and hang out with Weesa :-(

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited February 2011

    You know, there are so many things in the "future" that people casually talk about, that trip me up all the time. Retiring, moving, kids going to High School, University, getting married. Sometimes my heart breaks at the thought of not being around to see my kids grow, or the chance to grow old with my husband.

    And, yes, you are right, no-one is promised tomorrow, but the thing is, most people think they are. We have been slammed head first into facing our own mortality, we have all thought that we were about to die, and even now, after treatment, we will never know for sure that all is going to be OK. I know how fast things can turn bad for some people. That is the hell we have to live with, the uncertainty.

    So, I absolutely understand your point about wanting to move NOW, because there may not be a tomorrow to do it in.

    I wish I had some good advice for you, but I don't, as it is something I am struggling to come to terms with myself, the potential lack of a long healthy future.  There are so so many things that I still want to do.

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited February 2011

    it's been a tough winter.

    Maybe you could host / present motivational seminars in the south.  10-day sessions that women could sign up for hosted by a major chain gym... you know, write a proposal, prepare a presentation, get some funding from the organization that awarded you your award... think of a winter session 'get in healthy mental and physical shape type of thing.  You could host 4 - 6 a year and just leave your DH in New York.

    I wouldn't worry about the cancer.  ****  **.

      

    We still haven't sold our old home and I stopped by there last night to turn the water off.  I pulled into the driveway without thinking and the snow was at least 20 inches deep in a drifted pile.  I was lucky to back out with my monster car and lucky to have my boots on.

    hang in there Mary

    here is a picture of the snow cave my middle son made yesterday.

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  • geewhiz
    geewhiz Member Posts: 1,439
    edited February 2011

    I SO totally understand these feelings. I was right there in Miami with you in that glorious 74 degrees...only I was in reconstruction surgery. The night of surgery, and every day thereafter I got up and went for a walk on the beach. I LOVE the Atlantic coast. I get jealous when I see wrinkly old women in loud pastels holding their husbands hands walking every morning. I can only hope to be there someday.

    I go to FL about 6 times a year and already told my husband we would have a retirement home there. He is ok with it as long as we can go skiing sometimes! The day treatment ended this summer (YES>>>THE VERY DAY!!) I threw my 3 kids, beach towels and shovels and buckets in the car and drove til I hit water. No plans..no maps. We swam with dolphins, went on an everglades ecotour, snorkeled amazing reefs. I wasnt waiting for someday...

     THIS time, I got in the car and spent all week narrowing down the area I want a beach house in (DelRay Beach). Its beautiful and affordable given that FL is one of the number one places where all the mortgage fraud took place and banks are handing away houses. You can rent from an owner, lease/option. But I took steps to make mine real. I sat on the boardwalk and forced myself to see my husband and I there walking hand in hand. It dawned on me...I am sitting on this beach, feeling the breeze, smelling the salt, watching the surfers, trying not to get run over by the cyclists...all NOW. So then I drove the little streets, wondering which house I would end up in. For now, I have an area with amazing rentals that I can go to. Its not someday that my family will be in FL...we are back and forth a lot NOW. This summer, I am going to rent a beach house again with my kids...my DH can commute on occasional weekends.

    I feel better and am so thankful seeing you and Kerry post your honest emotions. I was in your yahoo running group, but got so discouraged because I cant log the miles you guys do. My knee swells. I have been thinking that if anybody is going to recur, its me with less exercise! So, I hope that for a change, I bring some encouragement to you guys. I make myself get back in touch with the dreams. I dont think we stop dreaming. We all have them...we are just afraid. For me...its about staring it in the face, and putting one foot in front of the other towards them, keenly aware as Kerry said, of my own mortality and just how important it is to enjoy the sunshine along the way.

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  • everyminute
    everyminute Member Posts: 1,805
    edited February 2011

    Kerry - You are truly my sister.

    Apple - Your plan sounds wonderful, I don't know if I could do it but I love that you think I can!

    GeeWhiz - Your plan is so encouraging.  Thank you...for getting it and for doing something about it!  As far as exercise, running is great for those who do it but not for everyone.  Research that was done on exercise shows a reduction in recurrence in as little as 30 mins of brisk walking a day so don't sell yourself short.  Keep your weight down and get your walks in.  Try to break a sweat (and not from hot flashes!!!) every day. 

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  • NancyD
    NancyD Member Posts: 3,562
    edited February 2011

    Mary, I was frozen with fear this past year. I knew that I would have to move out of our family home since my father's death, but only made token attempts to find a place. I didn't want to rent and be forking out money that got me nothing, and yet I couldn't commit to buying a place and just be starting a 30 year mortgage. Then my brother who is the estate's executor gave me an ultimatum, and I had to lose my fear and make a plan.

    I'm still scared that as soon as I close on my condo and move in, I will develop a recurrence or worse. I worry thatif I had to go on disability, I would lose my new place. I also worry that I will have to work hard to keep my job, and I worry that I will have to budget my expenses very carefully for a couple of years until I start to get out from under the initial expenses.

    Whew! So I worry about a lot more than bc. But having to make plans to move forced me to own up to my fears and face them. They haven't gone totally away but I'm geteting past them one at a time.

    And retirement? Probably not in the cards for me, so I plan to take my 401K, at some point, and have a great time wtih it. 

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited February 2011

    so funny..Well not funny.. but I have been majorly depresses since I returned from Costa Rica. I spent 10 days in this country completly dedicated to health and relaxation. I ended up in this town-Nosaro where a lot of Americans live. It's warm year round. It's considered a ":blue spot" which means it one of the healthiest places in the world.  The people there live the 3rd longest on the earth. The Omega Insistture is there ( dedicated to holistic health) Everyone there is into yoga, healthy living, surfing, holistic food, eco style homes. And on top of that its very spirtual. The people are sooo kind and you wake up to Monkeys every mornings.  Its very inexpensive to live there. Tons of Americans have relocated there.

    The first day I cried-I felt like I found the oneplace on the earth I could live forever.

     The thing is I could pick up and go. I can run my business from whereever and I feel like it would be great for the kids to learn another culture and language but it would also devastate them and take them away from everything they know. My husband keeps saying we can move there when they go to College . Can you guess what my first thought is when he says that?

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited February 2011

    I say you should do it-I say you should do it now-not because of cancer-thats done your moving on from that but b-c life is short and you deserve to live every minute in a state of happiness:)

    I live in NC and I always say it's the closest place to heaven ( next to Costa Rica) but do keep in mind the mountains are cold:)

    We go to this amazing mountain place outside of Ashville in the Summer.It's beautiful there:)

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited February 2011

    Wow Weesa,

    I can so understand how you feel.  You guys have gotten hit especially hard this year too.  And it could be SAD (seasonal affective disorder) which can be treated with light therapy.  I haven't done it but apparently you sit in front of some special UV lights that simulate "real" sunshine.  PLUS you (we) have the added bonus of our BC dx to add into the mix.  No wonder we get down so easily.  I read Eat Pray Love during my tx, and when I saw the movie (twice) I got such a sad, melancholy YEARNING feeling inside.  Although I love where I live, and my family, I SO wanted to be able to be like her, and just get up and GO where possibly she could reconnect.  All three places, Italy, India (the ashram) and Bali!!!!  

    I'd give your husband some more time to think about it, but in the meanwhile keep researching your dream, maybe leave some real estate brochures around from time to time (not so much to be annoying of course:), put a wallpaper or desktop pic on your computer so he sees that when he logs on.  You know the subliminal stufff.  Can't hurt can it???

    (((HUGS)))

    Sharon

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  • clariceak
    clariceak Member Posts: 752
    edited February 2011

    Mary, you're so right.  Maybe it is the winter blues, or maybe the winter blues allows us to take a look at those darker thoughts that we manage to push away for much of our lives.  I think we do need allow ourselves to grieve for the loss of dreams.  Those dreams may come true, but as Kerry said, "We have been slammed head first into facing our own mortality."

    I look at my girls who are 9 and 12.  For much of their lives, I wanted them to remain childlike as much as possible.  We cut the cable tv connection when my oldest was 1 (only have PBS) and they still enjoy their Playmobil and imaginative games.  But after bc, I was almost wanting to grow up more quickly.  I want them to be at an age where I can give them advice about boys etc. 

    I went to pick up my 12 year old at junior high and she came over to me in front of her classmates and gave me a big hug.  At times like that, life does seem unfair.  My sister-in-law abandoned her kids, including a special needs child so she could hang out at bars.  I want nothing more than to be with my kids and watch them grow up and I realize that is unlikely. I don't have a wonderful supportive husband like many of you, but at least my daughters are so close and loving that they can help each other.

    I also suffer from SAD, and according to the experts February is the worst month for us.  hang in there.

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  • Mamita49
    Mamita49 Member Posts: 538
    edited February 2011

    You are doing so well. I believe you that winter is hard, specially for a runner like you.

    I try to see and believe in those moments where I am feeling like a hero. My daughters best friend( 16 years) helped me a lot without even knowing. Her Mom killed herself last year. Tragic.

    But her daughter is doing so great, in all means. She is only 16, but she is happy as someone can be. She lost her Mom, but I see this girl every day, and she is activ, funny, and loves life.

    If in any case, I am not there for my girl, I can see my daughter being happy as she can be.

    I dont wanna think about it, but to that friend of my girl, I am a hero, and that sunshine smile of hers is stronger than any winter storm can be.

    Best wishes from a very cold and snowy Montreal 

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  • DCMom
    DCMom Member Posts: 624
    edited February 2011

    Oh the weather outside is frightful...and the rest of the song may just be wishful thinking.  I am so ready for warm weather.  Just remember how much we will appreciate the return of warm weather...at least that's the carrot I dangle for myself.  

    Retiring in a warm climate would be wonderful and we had our plans that way, but now I have started wanting to be closer to family in the midwest, and that started before BC.  We had spent almost 15 years in warm climates (AZ, FL, HI, CA, and Italy) with the military.  DC was an adjustment, but I love autumn with the leaves and I love seeing the trees covered in white....just not so doggone long.  I try not to make plans too far in the future, but you know what that leaves me...focused on the moment... which right now isn't bad at all.  Pour yourself a glass of wine, sit by a fire...and at least enjoy wishing the heck it was spring already! 

    Cheers to sunny days!

    Susan 

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  • weesa
    weesa Member Posts: 707
    edited February 2011

    Mary--AWWW that is so sweet. I would love to have you here in Asheville to hang out with!

    First of all, I SO know how hard winter is for you.I am originally from Burlington Vermont where the kids at the University of Vermont actually leave with skiis on top of their car in May--to go skiing at Stowe.I've seen snow there on Labor Day in September. Then summer comes, June and July, and it is gone in a flash. My husband who went to college in Ithaca NY remembers the snow, the unrelenting whiteness from October to May first and foremost whenever he recalls college. Something else to mention is that it gets dark where you are by 4 pm and the sun hardly ever pokes thru the gray gloom. You sound like you are feeling a bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder and I don't blame you a bit.

    I've been poking in my gardens the last few days--the daffodils are up a couple of inches and even the peonies have started little red nubbins under all the mulch. The forsythia is swollen with buds as is the flowering quince. I always think Valentine's day is the first day of Spring here because it is the day my first bulbs bloom.

    It's nice to have 4 seasons, to have a bit of winter and a bit of snow, but it is nice this time of year to see spring start to unfold. For years, Asheville has always appeared on the best places to live, or retire to.Many of my customers (I'm a realtor) start out thinking Florida is the place for them, and then they have trouble adjusting to the heat and humidity because they didn't grow up with it, and they move to Asheville--we call them half-backs.

    Well, Mary, I hate to see you like this. You are always our spark plug here, our steady cheerful presence. I know what you need is to sit in the sun all day, even for one day... wish I could send you one.

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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited February 2011

    Mary,

    You've put into words so many of the things I feel lately.  On top of the lousy winter, day after day goes by and I've fallen into the same routine....I wake my hubby in the a.m. and make sure he has his meds and insulin, he goes back to sleep for most of the day, and I spend the time either working, taking care of our home or hosting LOTS of boys for sleepovers.  Call me Nanny Francis for now.  I feel guilty when I wonder if life will get any better, because I'm sure he's not too happy about the situation.  I love my boys and their friends, but I do want more for me someday, and will I have a someday???

    But surely the sun will come out tomorrow, and we are all tough women who manage to hang onto the silver linings in life with gusto.  I was just getting ready to jump on the Treadmill for a late day workout, and my youngest reminded me that we have to run over to Michael's for a glue gun.  See, life is already moving on.....

    We'll get through this, Mary!

    Love

    Bobbie

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  • momand2kids
    momand2kids Member Posts: 1,508
    edited February 2011

    this thread caught my eye--- I so agree--this has been the harshest winter---- I have been banished to the elliptical trainer in the cellar because it is so snowy and icy here in the northeast--- I have never been a fan of winter- and this one has been rough.  I find myself moody and cranky---

    You know, we talked for years about buying a summer house-- and guess when we did it? Right after I finished treatment--- we really can't afford it and we do rent it out right now, but it was one of those things that we were always going to do "someday"  As we looked at them (while I was in radiation) I realized that "someday" had come.... it is right now.

    I find that I somedays feel like I am in "Groundhog Day" which I watched last night-- get up, exercise, dress, take kids to school, go to work, come home, go to bed, repeat..... and this feels to me even more acute in the winter.... I think I might have a case of SAD myself.

     Anyway, I am not being very helpful other than  to say I understand and feel it myself.  I am a summer girl from way back and the sand and the beach always calls to me..... I hope you can find a way to get what you both want....... 

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited February 2011

    Last weekend we had a day filled with sunshine and weather that felt and smelled like spring.  I worked in our yard all morning, then enjoyed the rest of the day running errands, walking, etc.  I knew it was a bad joke because it wasn't going to last...........I was right, it is down right cold, not as cold as my friends in the North, but it's too cold to do much outside and with ice on the roads in some areas we have to be careful - we're not used to that.  The winter blues are hard to shake when you have one bad storm after the other hitting and you can't get outdoors like you want to, especially for someone like you who loves the outdoors.  I'm sorry you're feeling down and I wish I could make it better, in the meantime I'm sending a warm (((hug))) your way.

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  • everyminute
    everyminute Member Posts: 1,805
    edited February 2011

    Thanks, sisters!  I am ok.  Just grumpy.  A little SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder?) and little IFHWD (I Hate Fn Winter Disorder) and a lot of BCSUX.

    Everyone is entitled to a bad day now and then and I rarely allow myself to be grumpy since I think it is a waste of time to whine about things I cant change and find it silly to complain about a mostly fantastic life - by tomorrow I will be over it.

    Thanks for all the love!

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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited February 2011

    IFHWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I love it.  Hell, I feel better just sayin' it.  You and I are so much alike, Mary.  Truly, most of the time I don't allow myself to be grumpy either, but I think we've earned the right!

    Did you ever see Collateral?  The cabbie (Jamie Foxx) kept a postcard of a beautiful island over his visor.  Maybe we should try that, and write IFHWD in the corner?  In fact, I am going to do that so that I have something to laugh about every time I get in the car.

    Hugs Sister,

    Bobbie

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  • everyminute
    everyminute Member Posts: 1,805
    edited February 2011

    Luv ya, Bobbie!  I will do the same....Weesa - send me a NC postcard with IFHWD written on it, huh?

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  • kindone
    kindone Member Posts: 523
    edited February 2011

    Mary, I totally understand where you are coming from.  I am from Buffalo and can;t stand the winter any longer.  That being said I raised my kids here and now they found family's of they own and have decent jobs.  So when I got money before bc I thought I can;t wait to get a place in Florida.  Well that all changed now.  I would never leave my kids and my new grandchildren.  My family is what I live for.  Isn't funny how thing change.  Any way we bought a summer cottage for all of us to share, so that's my Florida home.  I am very blue in the winter also it goes on forever.

    Betty

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  • YATCOMW
    YATCOMW Member Posts: 664
    edited February 2011

    Okay......i have the beach houses for you all in florida.....just PM me and I will hook you up (smile)...I've got two in highland beach....cute town that sits between delray and boca raton.
     
    Although I already live in sunny florida....my dream was to retire on the intracoastal waterway.....big house....lots of entertaining.....a compound on the water that my kids would love to come home and visit when they got older.....I have been socking money away for years for this dream of retirement.
     
    Well like everyone said.....I wasn't sure I would ever get there..still have kids in school so I can't move now...so I had to take a baby step....instead of waiting to some unknown time in the future we bought a townhouse on a canal right off the intracoastal across from the beach that we use on the weekends.  It wasn't what I had in mind but you learn to adjust your plans so you can still live NOW.  There is nothing better than waking up and looking out on the water with palm trees as a backdrop.
     
    When the wind doesn't blow your way......it is important to adjust the sails.  
     
    Jacqueline 
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  • Bugs
    Bugs Member Posts: 1,719
    edited February 2011

    Mary, I responded to this yesterday and ...well.....the winter cold must have frozen it on the way or something.  I love IFHWD and I may just make that my facebook status the next time it snows...tonight.  LOL

    I LOVE Apple's idea.  LOVE it.  And yes...you can do that.  Why would you even think you couldn't?

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited February 2011

    3 snow days in a row..  lots of sleepovers and snow drug in.  We worked hard to shovel the driveway.

    (Bobby hang in there.. I think about you all the time).

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