Depression Over Good Prognosis?

huntreiter - I know just how you feel. In fact, this very topic came up recently at a cancer support group I just joined. As women, our first instinct is to try to make our family and friends feel better, even if it means downplaying our own distress and putting on a pretend happy face. This can get very exhausting, though. Even if the prognosis is good, we are still facing a frightening disease and going through difficult treatments with many scary side effects. You are definitely entitled to these feelings. That is why support groups and forums like these are so important; they let us rant and cry among people who understand just what we are going through. 

I can so relate to what you wrote. When I told people about my diagnosis, I basically told them, "I have cancer, but the prognosis is good", attempting to reassure them. Apparently, many of them heard the second part of that statement and not the first. I am glad I have a good prognosis, but it was still terrifying to have a bonescan to check out pain in my leg, and every follow-up visit is anxiety-producing. My sister never once called me to see how I was doing. When I tried telling her how hurt I was, she basically said I didn't need anything from her since my prognosis was good. I told her, "I have cancer, not a cold!"

I think what you're experiencing is pretty normal. Radiation tends to wipe you out, and it makes it hard to keep up the facade that all is well. I reached the point during radiation of being so fatigued that I nearly quit eating, because I would come home from work and go straight to bed. You're entitled to your feelings and no one should accuse you of being dramatic because you feel badly sometimes.

Hun

I think this is normal.  People told me that it would be a full year after the END of my treatment before I would completely feel like myself-- and they were so right.  I am only now, over 2 yrs post dx, feeling really, really like myself-- I think I powered through it all so fast-- had an excellent prognosis, flew through chemo working full time with 2 young kids, raced into radiation every morning after exercising and before work--- I think I was trying to prove to myself that this was not so bad, and as a result, made everyone else feel better.  

I thought I felt like myself, and I just kept marching forward, but I can tell you now that I was wiped out...... and it took a long time to get past that.  And I do think, no matter the prognosis, it is scary.  My onc told me in my first visit that this was curable and that was what she was going to do..... and I think that is what happened..... but it does not diminish the emotional roller coaster bc can cause in your life.  Be kind to yourself---- it takes time but things will get better!

Huntreiter3,

I will be candid.  My third of four TC infusions is January 14.  I must be a complete wimp, because I cannot count already the number of times and places I have suddenly burst into tears because of what I assume is the abject depression that overwhelms me when the raw reality of cancer stabs into my mental space.  I am not going to apologize for it.  I don't care that it happens even at work.  In fact, it seems that how others handle my sudden loss of control reveals sometimes surprising things about each of them.  Some people care deeply.  I'm glad I discovered who they are.  Some I believe are fearful - of cancer - and I understand that.  I cannot yet wrap my mind around when and how to 'get over' this depression, sadness and anxiety about the future .. perhaps when it gets closer to the end of the radiation stretch?  You are definitely not alone.  At this time nothing motivates me to be 'positive'.  That seems almost fatuous .. like it's some sort of upper-case denial.  You ARE entitled.

__

Diagnosis 12Oct2010; IDC, 1.3cm; Stage 1; Grade 3; 0/7 nodes; triple negative

You are all so honest about this mess we are in! i feel(felt) guilty for not having stage3-4 breast cancer! My family thinks I have nothing to worry about. In fact, they are no longer sympathetic at all. I am doing some real soul searching about why I ask for so little from these people. My husband is not supportive, my mother is a crazy person, but at least I have my friends.

It is normal to go thru a range of insane emotions during this. I hope we all get better soon.

I hope all of you feel joy and peace soon. Do something for yourself that makes you happy, not for someone else. I am holding all of us in the light on a lotus, with a glass of wine in our hands!

I have moved on , gotten through the chemo, the surgery, the radiation  and am now on Tamoxifen, I don't think I'll ever relax and finally breathe again. I think I'm holding every feeling in, I'm scared of my future, I don't know if it's going to go from bad to worse, will I ever not think about this cancer crap....I don't know. I do know it's the first thing I think of when I wake up and it's the last thing I think of at night. It's my new normal, constantly thinking about cancer. It's weird, I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid to live. It sucks no matter what.  

I'm thinking that the title of this thread is a little misleading. Seems that the real issue is your feeling that because you are early stage, people don't understand what you've been through and/or the mental trauma caused by any cancer diagnosis. I can't imagine why one would feel guilty because their cancer isn't worse!  Spend more time on these boards learning what life is like for our stage 4 sisters, check out the ever growing list of angels who lost the fight leaving behind hundreds of motherless children. Realize that the majority of us early stagers will never have to put up a fight again while many are fighting everyday against the demon that has overtaken their lives and will likely win the battle for the body one day.

I do know the feeling (especially toward the end of treatment) that those around you assume you will easily move on once treatment is over. It was caught early, you were treated and your odds are good that it won't return. Many of us have found the most challenging time mentally is when treatment is over and we are left to our own devices to navigate a "new normal." We will never be the same as we were- no one ever is after experiencing trauma. And though you may feel like a fish out of water for a time, it does get better. Believe me, I am anything but Polly Positive and I can still let what's happened get me down sometimes. But I am always grateful that I have been given the opportunity TO move on with great odds that I left friggin cancer behind. Involuntarily entered into the lottery that is breast cancer, I feel like I have a winning ticket. I just wish we all did. My heart couldn't feel more for those not as fortunate.

Wow that's it exactly.  Not afraid to die, afraid to live.  Thanks!

Survivors guilt is real, and what some of us are feeling in this forum is, "why do other's have it worse than me?" It is a normal emotion to have. Ironically, many of us don't know if we have survived yet. I lost 2 friends last year, one to colon cancer, the other to multiple myeloma. I feel guilty about them losing their lives.

I am not staged yet and haven't even had my lumpectomy or started treatment and I too am feeling angry and depressed a lot of the time, even though the surgeon estimates that I am at a stage 1 or early 2 (pathology is not all back yet) and the outlook is of course very good.  I am not sure its because of the prognosis, or if people just don't know what else to say, but I am sick of hearing that I am strong, to stay strong or to be positive!  NO, I am NOT strong!  These people do not see me when my anger gets the best of me at home.  They didn't see me last Sunday morning in church when I got angry over something very minor that normally wouldn't have bothered me at all under different circumstances. They don't know how sad I feel because I had to cancel directing my children's chorus this semester because of all the radiation treatments and other medical appointments or how worried I am about how my children and my husband feel about all of this.  I am a newbie at all of this obviously, but to me your feelings sound very normal.  We are dealing with something very serious and something that turns our lives upside down no matter how positive or negative the prognosis may be! 

(((((HUGS))))) to you and lots prayers!

Nancy 

Mrs M: Love your screen name! I so know what you mean About trying not to make everyone feel bad about the news of your diagnosis. This is my second time around and I feel like I let everyone down. What a creepy feeling. So I'm telling everyone it's only a tiny bit of dcis and it's precancerous and I just want a mastectomy to be done with it all cause I have no breasts left so how can it come back? So now the path report after the surgery comes back with an Invasive tumor hiding behind a biopsy scar and depending on further test results I may have Chemo. 5 years ago they would have sent me on my merry way but NO now we have the oncotype test. The test is a good thing, i know, and will save lives, but I can't stand the thought of doing Chemo again so I'm praying really hard. And I refuse to tell anyone it's invasive unless I have to have that further visible treatment because i know their reaction would make it worse.



Hah I must have had mad survivors guilt because when I heard about the Idc I was almost relieved and felt validated for having the mastectomy. Crazy head I have! I could go on but that's the gist. We're ok and entitled to whatever feelings creep up on us. Just please God let me feel it. Move on, and not dwell on them. Amen!

It's not that I wish anyone had this horrible cancer but I do wish they could step inside our bodies and know the fear, anxieties, and horror of not knowing what our future brings so they wouldn't brush us off like we are fine once the cancer is treated.

They are asking how you are out of concern, because they don't know what else to do. I don't mind those questions, they mean well.

This is JUST how I feel!  I am on CMF so no hair loss, and fewer side effects. Am being treated at one of the best cancer centers in the world.  I caught it early, no nodes, tiny tumor, clear scans--so prognosis is good.  

But ya know, it still sucks sometimes. It has been relentlessly cold outside, my husband is so busy at work that I am holding up a lot at home (to include playing the wife at his evening events--I hosted a dinner party the day after my second surgery) plus I am working, chemo is making me much more tired than I thought it would...and I have always been boringly healthy, so this whole "sick" thing has thrown me for a total loop.  Oh, did I mention our dog dropped dead out of the blue last week? (Of cancer, ironically)

Yikes--that is a lot of whining.  But wait, there's more! (you can skip to the next post if you don't want to take advantage of the rest of this fabulous offer)

 My husband's job is stressful and he has to travel and be out a lot in the evenings. This makes him a bit oblivious to the fact that I have days where I am fatigued and down. I know he loves me, and is concerned, but he has so much else on his plate besides me that he has to compartmentalize. I tease him that my cancer gets scheduled in occasional one hour increments like his work meetings.  He is a very "pull up your socks and get on with it" type so is a bit impatient when people aren't the same.

OK.  That is enough whining. It all could be much worse.

Well, there is one last thing...between us chickens, I do sometimes want to be pampered a bit more, especially in those days post chemo when I am feeling flat as a pancake. (Someone book a massage for me? Surprise mini-break that I don't have to organize? I'll even settle for a bunch of wilted flowers from the corner deli!)  I am pretty strong and private, so don't want people fussing over me too much--but sometimes I would like the option of saying "buzz off, I'm fine" rather than everyone taking my strength at face value!  :-)