When do you stop asking...WHY?

I still ask Why.  Everyday.

And ya know what... I haven't gained anything from this evil nasty cancer.  Not one.  I know some people learn to be more patient... learn to love deeper... 

Not me. And I don't believe this is from the Lord. 

However... when I am CURED...     That's when I'll gain something!  That's when I can start LIVING again!  I will SO happy to be alive, that I will never, ever take my life for granted again!

Lisa

Have never asked "why".  This is my path, and I have no choice but to walk it.  I certainly don't think I am supposed to learn anything in particular from it; I just have to be courageous and good-humoured in experiencing it.  Best of luck!

I am now OK with the why and it took me awhile.  My mom and aunt had it later in life but I had a huge tumor at 41 that was probably growing since I was 32.  I don't think I can chalk it up completely to genetics because there are 5 women cousins ages 38 - 55 and I am the only one with the disease.  Maybe I was the perfect storm of the genetic mixing that allowed the tumor to grow.  Who knows.

 Now I am in the grieving process.  All the things I enjoyed doing before the BC no longer seem important.  I am having a hard time deciding what my long term plans for my life should be.  I think it just takes time to process the emotions.  I am also forcing myself to restart many of these former projects to help me decide if I really want to continue.  Doing nothing does not give life answers.

 I also do not want to be caught off guard emotionally if the cancer was to come back.  So I am taking the time to process these feeling...it's definitely not something you can process in one weekend.  And the process makes me feel sad alot.

I don't know that I have asked Why..or why me.  I do not believe I was "given" cancer in order to have a purpose.  I DO believe that as long as I went through the experience-I need to try to help others that have to go through it, too.  I try to help here on bco and since my diagnosis have had two real life friends diagnosed.  One of these friends has told me I should be a patient advocate (I went with her to her first chemo).  That thought crossed my mind, too...but I don't think I could be around it all day every day.

I never really asked why.  I have recently found out why, to continue what my mom started before she died of ovarian cancer, by getting her gene's tested she found out that the BRAC-1 gene ran in our family.  Only a few took the test, until I got dx it has scared the crap out of them almost all have gotten tested and know they make sure they go to their annual appts  I am now the official if there is a problem, lump something funky on the scan, I am the first to know and get asked what due I do? I have dealt with 1 diagnois, 2 scares, and 1 that looks like they may have caught it very early.  I was also able to comfort my 15 year old cousin who got dx with ALS being the youngest person to get dx, we made sure she had everything she wanted during her short battle, she sadly passed away after Thanksgiving this year at 16.

I also have never asked why. Cancer wasn't "given" to me. A gene malfunctioned, and a tumor grew. I could make myself crazy asking "why" it malfunctioned, but what's the point? That doesn't change anything.

SherriG - I also thought, "Why not me?" I work at a large university and see people with all sorts of maladies every day. BC was mine. Tomorrow someone else will be diagnosed with something. I don't take BC personally.

You know what makes me think WTF? When I have sinusitis, the flu, etc., friends will say, "That's not fair. You had cancer, you shouldn't have to deal with this!" I guess I forgot to pick up my "Get Out of Illness Free" card at the oncology department reception desk. That would be nice if it were true!

DITTO, MOMMYDOXIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We might never know why? What is the purpose?maybe at a ripe old age, 85 or so, we will have

so much wisdom, and the stories we will tell. Hopefully there will be so many  people we will help along the way.

The small things,  like just looking at the world with more compassion. I would rather live 10yrs, loving, laughing, being so grateful for every day, then live 50 unhappy, and ungrateful

for this gift we call life!

Love to all ,

Faithful

Jenny,

When my 14 year old daughter was dx with cancer I spent so much time wondering 'why'.  Why her?  Why now?  Why not me?  Why is it so hard to cure her?  It was reading a book written by parents who also lost their son to cancer that I was able to give up the 'why'.  The mother writes,

"I did not for one thing feel that God has personally singled out either him or us for any special act, either of animosity or generosity.  In a way I did not feel that God was personally involved at all.  I have all my life had a spontaneous, instinctive sense of the reality of God, in faith, beyond ordinary belief.  .....  Life is a myriad series of mutations, chemical, physical, spiritual.  The same infinitely intricate, yet profoundly simple law of life that produced Johnny-his rare and prescious soul-that law of life which out of infinite mutation had produced Johnny, that law still mutating, destroyed him.  God Himself, no less than us, is part of that law.  Yet a single cell, mutating experimentally, killed him.  But the law of mutations, in its various forms, is the law of the universe.  It is impersonal, inevitable.  Grief cannot be concerned with it."

The book, Death Be Not Proud, was written in the 1940's yet is still relevant today.  I hope it will help you find some peace as it did me. 

Jenny

I think everyone approaches it differently--why, why not..... It still only has been months for you--I suspect things will start to look better as time goes on.  I am over 2 years out---in the very, very beginning I figured it was my fault (should have breast fed, had those kids too late, so on and so on). But then I thought, I am healthy, exercise, don't smoke, don't drink---- then found people here who were as health conscious as I was, yet here we all were..... so "why" was no longer the question

I don't think cancer is a "gift" however,  I do think it has sensitized me to the every day pain that so many people experience.  I work in a large university and every day I see people with some sort of significant life challenge--- and I am sure there are alot I don't know about.  

When the dust finally settled in my own mind, after treatment and really trying to get my groove back, I mostly felt grateful that I had the access to drs, medicine, therapies, etc.  and good health going in......

Don't force yourself to feel something you don't  It is ok to ask "why" for as long as you think you need to.  At some point, you may not feel that as strongly and will be able to move on.....

best of luck

I think of it as "Why Anyone"? No one deserves this disease, and I imagine no one deserves thousand sof other diseases. We need to work to insure that no one, ever, anywhere, has to do battle.

My dd had the same questions after a year from hell.  What was she to learn from it all and how was she to change her life, etc.  Like you, perhaps she is seeking control of her life and finding a reason will help her do that.  Please don't take offense at my response, I am a cynic and I know that, and I am certainly NOT making light of your and my dd's concerns.

I believe that God is part of my life, but I do not believe that all is directed by him.

OK, that said.  Why search for reason where, to me there is none.  A bunch of cells began to grow for Some reason, and hopefully we will learn in the very near future Why they began to grow--be it genes, chemicals, hormone replacement, trauma, stress. 

My dd and I are very good people.  We have worked hard, been kind, cared about our universe and friends and family.  I am convinced that there is nothing wrong with the way we have lived our lives and that there IS no huge lesson to learn from having either bc or a hell of a year when much is lost.

I honestly don't feel that the kids at St. Jude's Research Hospital need to ask the question of why and try to change anything in their lives--nor in their parents' lives.   Neither do I feel the people of Haiti, New Orleans, NYC, Egypt, Pompeii, or any other area hurt by mother nature were hurt and lost everything for a metaphysical reason to learn or change their lives.  And if the lives of the volunteers were scheduled to be changed, well, I can think of a lot better way for them to spend their time and do without all the death and dying of other people. 

So -- the question I have is: Why not me?  Lots of bad people don't get bc some do, and die.  No speical pass one way or the other.

Sometimes nature just goes screwy and there is no "all important message" or "all important lesson"

Nature just goes screwy sometimes. It really is that simple. 

Dazeroze, bless your heart, I would be raging out the windows.  I hope you continue to find peace and get well very soon,.  And yes, cherish every second with your kids.  They will remember when they are grown and thank you in spades!