The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Rae, what a wonderful friend you have. I hope I can uplift you all a little too - I have a great couple friends as well- the woman I consider my best friend moved to FL 4 years ago to get her PhD- she was the first one besides my DH I told about the lump. She always seems to know the perfect thing to say to me to make me laugh and put my mind at ease. I remember her saying- oh if it is cancer, they'd just suck out it througha straw- they're so advanced now!
I had a party to shave my head after my first chemo- and I made a Facebook event to invite people- I invited her just to let her know about it even tho she lives in FL and I live in MO. I have to admit there was a part of me that wanted her to come and part of me that somehow knew she would - my thoughts reminded me of a little kid wanting something and the adult saying that'd be really nice but its not pratical. But the day of the party, I was inside talking to someone and I saw her walk by outside my house to go out and talk to DH who was in the backyard. and I said- OH she did NOT!!! but the voice inside me was just like of course she's here. She flew in from FL to surprise me.
Neither one of us is very emotional expressive, we are both kind of tomboy science geeks. We rarely hug. We don't even talk on the phone very much but I know I'll be friends with her until the day I die. She called me every round of chemo to check out me.
Another close friend who lives here was amazing for me as well- various people came up to sit with DH during my 10 hour surgery, but she stayed with him and was there when I woke up after surgery and she came and visited me all the time during chemo. I love her for being there for him as well.
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Okay, now I have a question. I am thinking maybe I said, or did, something terribly dumb (yeah, like that's never happened before!).
hillck, you said, "She's been wonderful! In fact, tomorrow night she's going to spend the night in the hospital with me so my husband can get some sleep after our long day of surgery. Some other BC gals I work out with told me it was nice to have someone there just to talk to or to help them get out of bed and head into the bathroom while the nurses were busy."
Well, my sister offered to take time off her job so she could come to our house and care for me after my mast/SNB (with no recon). I thanked her profusely, but declined, telling her that I thought I was going to be fine. I said I was just being hospitalized overnight, and I was expecting to recover pretty quickly. I also pointed out that my dh would be there the whole time, taking care of me and doing things for me. (We were both retired already.) In truth, my sister and I don't get along all that well -- there's a lot of hostility when we're together. Also, I really didn't want to be treated like an invalid. I had this strong need to feel "normal" again, and to take care of myself.
I didn't learn until many months later that my sister was "deeply hurt" by my response. Apparently, she felt like I had rejected her when I declined her offer. I was told that it was not very thoughtful of me to have hurt her like that, when she was being so kind to me. All that feedback was from my mom. My sister has never mentioned anything to me about it; but she and my mom talk to each other a lot so I don't doubt that my sister actually said those things.
What should I have done? My mom did mention that my sister had heard how women feel alone when they've been diagnosed with breast cancer; and how they really appreciate having someone (another woman, especially) to stay with them and help with their drains and stuff. But I wasn't alone. Between my dh, my work friends, and this website, I never felt alone. And I really didn't need assistance beyond what my dh could give me, plus what my surgeon or her nurses could provide if I picked up the telephone.
Apparently, though, my needs and my feelings were supposed to be less important than those of the gift-giver. To me, that still sounds crazy. I know she cares about me, and I know she wanted to help. But, really -- shouldn't someone ask us what we need, or what would make us most comfortable, rather than assuming they know what that might be?
otter
[I've edited this post to remove some of the personal information.]
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I had a chuckle yesterday when I opened a very nice card from a male friend of fifty-seven years.
He signed it, "Be strong, hang in there."
That's just the words a lot of people have said they detest hearing. Exactly the words!
It seems so typically male.
To be fair, he included a newsy letter. Bless his staunch and tender heart.
But the dumbest thing anyone ever said to me didn't have anything to do with breast cancer. It was an inept effort at making conversation by my FIL. He came from Holland when he was only nineteen back in the twenties and, while he was a prosperous and intelligent man, he lacked sensitivity. And I doubt that he'd had more than perhaps four years of schooling.
We sat in silence for a little while and then he turned and said to me, "Do you know there's so many stars in the sky no one has ever been able to count them all?'
Duh.
I spent years being insulted by that. Since my dx I've been working at letting go of my resentments to create a more peaceful state of mind. So I've transformed that graceless statement. And I say to myself, "Oh gee. He knew I had an education and he was making an effort to talk scientifically to me."
Um. It almost works.
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Otter - Your sister sounds a little self-centered (like mine). Of course you did the right thing by telling her not to come. You didn't need the added stress of having her there when you didn't need her.
Juli
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The positive attitude thing really irritated me in the early months after diagnosis. I finally found this quote by Molly Ivins and posted it on Facebook - seemed to work because people quit giving me the "you just need a positive attitude" crap.
"Another thing you get as a cancer patient is a lot of football-coach patter. "You can beat this; you can win; you're strong; you're tough; get psyched." I suspect that cancer doesn't give a rat's ass whether you have a positive mental attitude. It just sits in there multiplying away, whether you are admirably stoic or weeping and wailing. The only reason to have a positive mental attitude is that it makes life better. It doesn't cure cancer." Molly Ivins
Karen
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I saw a great bumper sticker the other day. It said "It's not even one millionth about you!"
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Worst, weirdest thing said to me about breast cancer in the last 6 months? it was accompanied by a gesture...the firs radiologist I met had a medical student with him...after examining me and having her try to guess what my breast cup size was (hey were both wrong despite what thought)..he reached in to the flas of my johnny gown and cupped my breasts on both sides and out my breasts together and said ...wait for it..."She will still have great cleavage"....
Now, while normally, that comment would be seen as a compliment and it was likely meant to reassure me in some very male-thinking kid of way...what I wanted to know was would the breast be saved, was I going to live and would I look completely lopsided...cleavage was the last thing on my mind.
On a personal level, despite being told by my sister that I needed to stop people pleasing and to take care of myself, I was still told that I was not taking care of myself.....that hurt...I had moved two days after surgery, had actually taken a week off the job I have and love in order to hang out with her and I wanted to not focus our attention on cancer...she was all about the cancer and wanted to ;take care of me; like I was a sick invalid....but being heard ...what I needed to do, how i needed to not focus on it at that point. I wanted a normal vacation with my sister....not being listened to hurt more than things people said....I can chock stupid things people accidentally say up to ignorance, fear and more ignorance and fear....not listening or just letting me have a bad day...or week....they are so rare...but not being allowed to have one and feel that it is all right and I am forgiven for not being 100% chirpy...well....I think that strikes me as harder.
or....my boss who said "We are very worried about you Sandee....very worried indeed" and then asked for my year plan.......because I was not my usual laughing self all day? Had demanded that I get help for some of the tasks I had slid onto my plate over the past few years unnoticed by me or that I was not accepting any bs from anyone...suddenly....this was after I had finished a teacher training course and everyone had passed...an no one had known I was runnin gout for radiation sessions in the afternoons...I lost my mind on him ladies....didn't care if i was going to lose my job, get a reprimand or what. ...essentially told him I was plannin gto finish radiation the next day..that was my plan...and I was planning to have anoher mammogram in June to see if I have to do this all over again in 2011...that was my plan and nothing else mattered.
so i guess ihave a few things that have distressed me when people talk to me about BC...
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annettek ~ Now that my jaw is back in place, I can say: What the hell?! "Maybe I'll get bc so insurance will pay for it." What the HELL??!!
Sandeeonherown ~ There are so many things wrong with that radiologist that I hardly know where to begin. For starters, I hope you kicked him in the groin and then reported him to the hospital/clinic authorities. -
i'm reeling, and a bit angry after reading this page.. one of the things you ladies , on this thread have done, is help me laugh at myself.. and to TRY not to be rude to people who try to tell me how I MUST feel about a disease that has robbed me of SO MUCH!!! the person who speaks to us about a positive attitude.. do they take the time to really find out whats' going on with you, with your life?? i think that JUDGEMENTAL attitude belongs in the garbage!!!!!!and, that ESPECIALLY here, we don't need no preachin, we don'y need no judgin; or platitudes!!!! I'm really glad the kid from Iraq is doing well, and that he CAN keep his attitude positive. he has a LONGGGGG process in front of him. and, i'm sure everyday will NOT be a positive one. I have 2 legs...they didn't work for 2 yrs in therapy from MS.. then , they were gone again for another year after a stroke;and i had to learn to walk. and talk THAT time..Now, the BEAST has taken both my breast, all the way to the breastbone ( a radical) given me lymphodema, nueropathy, low low self esteem, and a 1/2 bald head (and thats after it grew back) and no recon for this girl... so, wear fake boobs, and wear a fake smile, as well????
Not because people THINK i should. thats' for sure. i'm positive when i feel positive, down, when i feel down..and PI^**off when im this angry...!! have a nice night, ladies.. 3jays
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Thank you ladies for your lovely comments about my friend. I am grateful every day for having her in my life.
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barbe- i just love you to pieces...you just make me happy and that is no small thing. You have gotten hit by so damn much and yet you always find a way to come out of it. Without getting goopy, it is very inspirational when I am feeling crappy.
karenlen- Molly Ivins is great- she caused a lot of crap down here in Texas which made her my hero:)
Artemis...yep...she really said that. Very odd. But it brings to mind being in an open AA birthday celebration meeting several years with my husband (he quit drinking 24 years ago-yeah!) and this dumb*ss broad gets up and states that she wishes all of her children were alchoholic so they could find god as well as she had. WTF?! This is a common way of thinking that totally stumps me, Same drill when I used (notice the tense of the word) to host a group for parents of children with special needs...I folded it after being constantly floored by dumb*sses that freaked me out and took my eye off of the point of the group which was to have a place to let our hair down and maybe swap some good pointers-no judgements, no I am better than you because I do this kind of stuff...at the last meeting I held (the final meeting) one popped up and said I wish all my kids had down syndrome! then another and another agreed. In the spirit of trying to understand where they were coming from I said, well, my chiuld has autism and I love hiim with all of my heart -he has taught me so much about god's grace in the fact of how I and others handle his difficulties but I would no more wish this or any other thing that has hurt my child than I would say, of I wish he had leukemia as I it made me a better person through learning patience or turning into someone who could help others or some rot like that. While those things may be true - god as my witness there are easier ways to get there! Leading up to that fateful last meeting were other times where people would attempt to be honest and say I do not like this, in fact sometimes I hate my life. And a little pact of perfectos (well, I actually called them something else in my mind) would jump on em vocally and act horrified at someone stating an honest emotion in the one place that was created for them to do so. Granted, if a person was in too much obvious pain and veered to some psychotic place I would refer em to real help but for the most part, it just helped, like BCO, to get it off your chest (oh, geez now there is a reference that I bet someone somewhere will get insulted over!)
I have "met" so many wonderful people on here that I hope to really meet one day but damn, I wish it could have been through a different vehicle. I put it akin to making lemonade out of lemons. These new friendships are a wonderful byproduct and I rave about it to those without BC all the time (who think I am nuts as they know I usually tend to keep my private thoughts just that) But I will never be one to proclaim I wish everybody had BC so they could meet amazing cool people~! nope, not gonna happen....
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GREAT rant Annette! You done good!
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Sandeeonherown: I am sorry this has all happened to you.
The radiologist was totally inappropriate. If you feel you can, you could report him. The only way he should touch your breasts is to make measurements and to get the necessary body parts properly aligned. I don't know if you're done radiation yet, but if not , perhaps you could request a different technician.
If you are at the Halifax Cancer Centre they offer Patient Navigation Services. I can't tell from the web site, but they may be able to help you with this. Also, they offer psychological services and you might find it helpful to have a "professional" to talk to. They specialize in Cancer issues.
As for your sister ----- I don't know why, but sisters can be rotten like that. The trouble is, they think they are helping.
Be easy on yourself and believe in your ability to know what you need.
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Annette. Wow. That was a fantastic post. You said it all. I am out of breath from reading, but I am feeling like I'm in the midst of some women who seriously understand. Thank you so much!
Sandeeonherown, I have zero tolerance for medical staff -- heck, any so-called "professionals" -- who would do something like that radiologist did to you. I swear, I would have hopped down from that exam table, put on my clothes, excused myself, and walked out. What he did was wrong in so many ways... and, to speak to that medical student as if you weren't even there.
Get on that bus, and go for it.
otter
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You all are so nice. I would have slapped him real hard.
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Day, yes, I was being nice. I would not have stopped at walking out of the exam room. I write letters, and I call patient ombudsmen, and I fill out satisfaction surveys (and even include additional typewritten pages, if necessary). And, I tell other people -- including, most especially, other doctors -- about my experience, whenever possible. No holds barred, when it comes to my reaction to inappropriate behavior by medical personnel. Fortunately, it's not been a problem except for a couple of really trivial things (which seem even more trivial after reading stories like those posted here).
otter (who does keep a shovel handy, and can use it when necessary)
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Annette - Oh man - that comment about getting bc for the insurance for a reduction. I would have decked her.
And your other post - people who say sh&* like that scare me. For real. I wonder where they come from. I wish all my kids were alchoholic so they could find God. Sounds like maybe that person had a relapse just before the meeting, IMO>
Sandee- I'd report that idiot radiologist.
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Last night a family member (in law) called to "check on me." (We've never cared for one another but now that I have BC, I'm the friggin family poster child for it or something, which I despise)
She hesitated because she expected to get my husband.
She asked how I was, and when I replied fine (she doesn't really care and I know this) she asked for specific details about chemo. I couldn't see how to get around answering without being rude, so I was 6 words in when she cut me off and started talking about something else.
She said at one point of the conversation in which I just listened....(she was in the car traveling and called out of boredom)
"I am so glad you're not one of those women. You know, the kind who actually think people care about their health problems, so talk about it all the time. No one really cares about that stuff....they ask, but they don't really want to know."
I ended the conversation and waited for her to hang up. For some reason her phone didn't hang up...(gotta love cell phones).do you know what she said to her husband?
"At least it's Stage 3 and she'll die soon. That way R can get on with his life while still young enough to find a new wife."
Nothin' like some family lovin.
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TonLee, I cannot believe what that woman (your sister-in-law?) said. That is one of the most insenstive and horrible things I've ever heard. I hope you tell your husband. I just can't believe she said that. (((Hugs))) to you.
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youur'e ALL too nice.. you touch me inappropriately, i touch back. i woulda grabbed his nUtz and said their getting saggy, maybe your ins. will pay for a lift for you.. i told a dentist once, the tx hurt he said, "its not pain, its' pressure.. yup, i grabbed him (same place) squeezed and said i guess thats' pressure, too.. he wanted to call the cops on me, and i said go ahead, you're the one going for the ride, not me!! obviously, i had to find another dentist... I just Will not allow someone to touch me anywhere i don't want to be touched!!gotta go to the laptop; but a bus will be by soon! 3jays
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Tonlee, that is the most horrible thing I have heard.... there is such a thing as Carma and it will come around. I hope you don't let her get you down. I am sending big hugs
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TonLee- That was horrible!
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I know I have said this before on here, but..........the more I hear from people, the more I love my dogs.
3Jays, is the bus gased up???
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We need the bus on every page!
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Hadley, I don't think she knows I heard her. The phone cut off a few minutes later, after her husband asked, "Stage 3? How long does she have?"
They're clueless about BC...just like I was before diagnosed. They hear "lymph" nodes positive and mastectomy and start talking to me about family burial plots. lol
She wants me to die because she believes it will get her hands on some land I own adjoining hers. Not. Gonna. Happen.
Also, she wants my hubby to move back home and be nearer to her...again, married to me...not. gonna. happen.
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For all those people who get on our nerves, say the wrong things, or do stupid things.
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Tonlee I have one of those in my family to.... stay strong!!!
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Annettek, I have paid $60,000 for two sons to go thru rehab (still sober and doing well). Would this person like to pay off those rehab bills for me? What an idiot.
TonLee, I am rarely flabergasted, but this left me with my mouth hanging open. I really think you need to be sure to let her know you heard her even if she denies it. She is scum and I mean scum of the earth. Under the bus, let the bus back up over her, and then go over her again a few times. Hang in there lady, we are all here for you.
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What the... O.M.G., she didn't!!
I just... I mean, damn.
ETA: I can't see your pic, veggy. Can you tell me what it is?
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tonlee...there are no words when faced with such ignorance. I really hope you have an opportunity at the most perfect of moments to let her oh so graciously know that you heard what she said. Geezus, that is the most unbelievable thing I have heard yet. I would like to kick her butt.(and i will if i have the chance) But as someone has already said, karma is a b*tch.
mbt- indeed and great news about your sons...it is no small thing- my eldest had to go out there------------------------------------->>>>>> as well and it was a mighty struggle for hm to find his way back.
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