Mad and Sad, Tired and Scared

Thanks so much for your relies. 

I agree that its her way of coping and there is no way I can take that away and will not.  Its just really hard.  I said to my husband the other night, my biggest fear is that I wont be able to say goodbye.  But that is something I will deal with if and when it happens. 

So quick update, her circulation is bad so they have brought in a physio therapist to massage her and get her to do some exercises.  It was rather funny last night as when they were finished her cheeks went all pink and she looked a little like a chubby Shirley Temple.

She is making sure she is calling all the shot at the hospital and phoned the General Manager yesterday to complain about the construction and insisted he move her to a quite room.  That's my girl! And yes, he moved her.

She has now been put on injected morphine as the oral was making her very ill or as she would explain it, was interfering with her lungs.  It wasn't but she wants to explain away the fact that she is permanently on oxygen so who am I to argue.

She is very excited to start the Xeloda again.  I think she desperately needs to feel like she is doing something.  Although using the Xeloda as a standalone drug at the moment feels a bit like building a dam and not using any concrete.  At least she gets to tell everyone that she is back on the Chemo. 

Thanks again for your support

xxxx

So we all got an sms this morning saying how much better she feels and all is well.  Even the nurses said she was doing better and was no longer confused.  All was happy and blessings were counted.

I went off to the hospital today and I must say she is looking alot better.  So imagine my surprise when she asked me for the school phone tree of all the moms numbers to invite them to her daughter's birthday party.  I say surprise because my daughter does not go to school with hers.  I tried to explain it but she still seemed confused.  She started rattling off names etc.  I finally managed to get her realise that it was me as I think she did not quite get who I was.

 On the positive side she is looking better so she should make it past the birthday now and maybe even a few weeks after that.  Her tumor count has gone up 100 points and is now sitting at 874 which is not great news but we knew that with her not being on Chemo anymore that this would happen.  Of course she has told everyone that she is back on Chemo and the count is down but that her, always trying to reassure everyone else.

 It broke my heart last night when her mom asked me if I knew what her funeral wishes were.  Which I don't because I can't talk to her about it!  Any way, as I said to her mom, its not like she will really care anyway, she will be sitting on the beach having a cocktail in heaven and wont even be at the funeral anyway.

So thats the news so far.  I feel so much better writing everything down and getting it off my chest. I also hope that if someone else is going through the same thing they might stumble upon this one day and understand things a little better.  She does not mean to be in denial, its just her way of coping.

Thanks Chrissyb, its very kind of you.   I met another lady in the hospital today who was waiting for a blood transfusion who also has Stage 4 Breast Cancer (liver and lungs).  You could see the shock and fear in her face seeing my friend.  I explained to her that people live long happy lives with the desease that she must not look at my friend and think thats her lot too.  Was that right to say?  I never know what the right and wrong thing to say is. 

I seriously hate cancer, I want to smash cancer in the face and ride over it with my car!

Thanks Moiralf.  I'm going to write down the last few days. I'm not sure why I need to but I keep on feeling like someone will read this that might need it one day.

I went on Friday night and she was a little fuzzy but still knew who I was and managed to chat. I phoned on Saturday morning and they said she had slept well so I decided to treat myself and get my nails done.  I was furious when I got to the hospital later to discover that she had in fact had a terrible night and had even fallen out of her bed!  So in an act of defiance I snuck my son in to see her (she is his God Mother).  It really perked her up and I thoroughly enjoyed waiting for the nurse to say something. 

All she said they whole day was "Nessa ICE" (she liked her crushed ice).  It helped with the drugs that were drying her mouth.  Her mom and I stayed for most of the day and left that night when another friend arrived. I was just so tired and it was very hard seeing her in pain. 

Sunday; I decided that I was going to drive to the hospital because clearly the nurses were not being honest with me the day before and I did not want to take the chance again. So I drove out at about 7:30 to see for myself.  The next part is very hard so excuse me if I get teary.  She was in alot of pain.  I have no idea how to describe it only to say that in this entire journey, it was the only day that I have sobbed.  The nurse refused to give her IV morphine as she was worried about cardiac arrest so I phoned the doctor and he authorised  butterfly morphine to be administered.  It worked for about 15 minutes.  I went home and got her some pillows to try make her comfortable which worked well. They just kept on saying that she was not going to die and her vitals were good. I am going to cut out all the details, I will only say that her mom asked for some time with her so I decided to join hubby and the kids at the in laws.  I phoned the hospital and her doctor said her vitals had dropped.  I was sitting outside and this tremendous peace came over me, I really can't explain it.  I was getting ready to go back inside when her mom phoned to say she had died.

She was just asleep when I went back to the hospital to help her mom.  Sleeping like an angle.

My wonderful friends came round that night while I proceeded to get very drunk and tell all of them that if they ever get sick I'm just taking them out back and shooting them because I don't think I can do this again. One bath and one sleeping tablet later I was out cold.

Monday; "The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun." I cry just thinking about how much I cried.  To make matters worse my son got sick with Gastro.  Needless to say I freaked, I could not face hospitals or the thought of someone I love being sick.  The doctor took one look at me with my dodgy eyes wanting to smack someone or just hug my son and cry (I could not decide) and prescribed me some lovely tranquillisers.  I was seeing pink elephants on fluffy clouds within the hour.  It is a lovely happy place.  So that's where I am.  Two happy pills twice a day.  I am bracing myself for the funeral which is on Friday.

 But No, I did not get to say goodbye.  It was less of a big deal than I thought it would be.  I don't actually care, I'm so torn up that my beautiful friend is dead that it seems so silly now.

Love to all