Moving Forward

faithfulheart wrote: My friends and family with the exception of my husband do not want to talk about cancer anymore

I looked at your dx ( IDC, 4cm, Stage IIIc, Grade 3, 10/17 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-  ) and apart from size of tumor and number of nodes we are identical and I wonder whether the reason you're finding it so hard to move on has something to do with residual anger about being dx so late.

The ILC ladies, I think, can sometimes blame their type of cancer for a late dx (it's difficult to screen) but IDC is so common that it should have been picked up at Stage I - most particularly at your age.

Fear is something all stages deal with, but anger at being dx so late is something only late stagers have to deal with. And when fear and anger conflate it's a potent mix. I thought I was over it, but returning to BCO and feeling strangely angry after reading some of the stories here has made me realize that I've still got residual anger issues.

If you've been lurking at BCO for a year then it's possible you've held it all in - as well as soaking up a lot of fear and anger from others on this site - and rather than getting it all out on BCO at the start, like I did, you relied on family and friends (who have no idea what you're feeling and expect you to snap out of it).

You are so lucky to have a supportive husband, and hopefully you will be able to vent at BCO from now on and talk to him about more pleasant things. Don't hide your feelings here - let them all hang out - and eventually you will be able to get to a place where you really don't want to talk about cancer any more.

A question for the ladies who've been here for years: if you had anger issues because of a late dx, how did you get over it by staying on these boards for so long?  Sometimes, it's like facing an abusive ex when I come here and an active topic pops up about someone dying or having a bad time. Even though uncaring incompetent doctors may not be involved in these stories, I immediately think they are ... and then residual anger bubbles up and I wonder what I'm doing here when I could be out enjoying myself!!!! I know that many ladies have already left the boards to get on with their lives and I was just wondering how you guys cope with talking about cancer incessantly.

Yes, I'm an ILC lady so my cancer was harding to detect, but my sister had ILC and she had told me that it wasn't detected by a mammo.  So I had that knowledge.  And if I had gotten an MRI 5 years ago I'm sure my stage would have been much lower.  The cancer was very aggressive in the last few months.  I have spent very little time thinking about why my PCP and I never talked about sending me for an MRI.  All the red flags were there with my sisters dx and my overall family history.  It would have been easy to justify. But we didn't and the cancer was caught late.

I'm a glass half full kind of person.  The past is the past.  I can't change it.  Throughout my life I have felt that each of us has a finite amount of energy.  So if I spend some of that energy on the past then it reduces the amount of energy I have for the present.  I don't want that.  I feel I need all the energy I can get to improve where I am now and where I want to be in the future.  So that's why I don't hang on to residual anger.

Dear faithful, my diagnosis is as yours fairly recent and I can totally understand how you have difficulties moving on. I feel as if I am waiting each day for death to knock on my door. I guess I am one of those persons who stop living while they are still alive. I just don't exactly know how to change this even though I have some counselling. I do hope that you are more successful with moving on and once you have found the secret let me know.