Moving Forward

faithfulheart · December 2010

Dear Ladies,

I found this forum over a year ago by the grace of God! I am a 42 year old mom of two beautiful

children, my sweat girl was 8 and my son was 4 when I was diagnosed. I have never posted here

I am not really sure why? I will tell you that the women here are some of the strongest most incredible people I have ever heard. You have helped me through my very long difficult journey. I think the time has come for me to talk and ask for some advice. My diaognosis started out not so

bad, my mammo was perfect 11 months prior when I found a painful mass in my left breast, absolutly no breast cancer in my family and a clean mammo I really thought nothing of it.

My DH made me go to the doctors, The doctor was also not alarmed most likely a ciyst 99.9% a cyst

were her exact words, no worries! Well , she sent me for my yearly mammogram with diag. ultra sound, and as the tech got very quite I knew , I just Knew . The doctor came running in wanted

to biopsy me right at that moment , so then I said , I have two kids to raise you have the wrong girl.

Tears started running down my face, and they told me to take it one step at a time, so I did.

I found a wonderful breast surgeon, and after lots and lots of tests it was decided. They Knew I had lymph node activity although they thought it was mabey one or two involved at most,

Funny how a little surgery can change a diagnosis from stage 1 to stage 3 just like that!

I had a bmx it showed a 4.5cm tumor, but the most shocking part was the 10 positive nodes

I just could not rap my brain around how aggresive this thing was! Well, 6 months of chemo

8 weeks of rads, recon, and an ooph, a year and 3 months later here I am , thank you God!!!

However, here is my question. I really am having a difficult time moving forward, I have had some

counseling, and I have a very strong faith, I feel like the person that just came home from a very long war and every one is so happy to see me alive. I survived the war, now move forward and be grateful for every day because it's a gift! I do truley belive this and I thank God that the cancer did not travel any further then it did. I pray alot and I do find peace. The problem is when I look at my little ones faces and wonder if I will be here to see them graduate from High school. It just rips me up inside. My friends and family with the exception of my husband do not want to talk about cancer anymore.

I look like I feel good so I must be doing great!! Some days I am, but boy sometimes the fear is more then I can handle. I have to move on and be strong for my family, I would love any advice that you can give me. I am truley honored to be among such courageous women.

IThanks for listening

KerryMac · December 2010

Hi there, and welcome. I am glad you have decided to post! There is a great group of women here.

For me, it is an ongoing process. I am usually able to compartmentalise the fear and put it away in the back of my mind. It is always there, but not forefront in my thoughts. And to be honest, most of the time I just choose not to think about it! (denial??? maybe!)

I was packing up the Christmas things yesterday, and the thought did cross my mind - will I still be here next year to pull them out again. And then I just thought "stop it". No-one knows the future, why get maudlin worrying over what may or may not happen. I know this much - I am here today, and I can make this day a happy one. No-one is promised tomorrow.

Like you, I have young kids, and the first thing I said when my BS said "cancer" was "but I have small children." You think it is impossible for anything like this to happen to you, but unfortunately it happens all the time. All I can say is I decided that my kids deserved to have a happy mother. So I am. Regardless of whether my time with them is cut short or not, I do not want the cancer shadow in their lives.

Remember that you have just been through a war. It is like your life explodes, and you have to start again. But as you move forward you will get stronger and stronger, and you will find ways to make peace with the fear.

everyminute · December 2010

Glad you came out of hiding - I truly believe that the support you will find here and the women that you find that have gone before you will help you keep the boogy man at bay.

I too compartmentalize - the fear is never gone but I acknoledge it and move on with what I am doing. I am a realist and I do realize what could happen but I also realize that what could happen in the future does not change today. I guess maybe because of that fear, I live each day with even more intent and try not to let cancer take any more than it already has (or will) from me.

I will also tell you that the time AFTER completing treatment is the scariest - you don't feel like you are figthing anymore BUT you are!

So a few tips - Because Mary Says So:

- start exercising - shoot for 30 mins a day, more if you can. Start with walking but build on to increase your endurance. Several reasons - one- there is research that says it may lower risk of recurrence (along with a lower BMI), two - there is research that shows it definately helps with long and short term side effects and depression and three - you are going to feel so good and strong that it is hard to imagine being unwell

There is no doubt that this is scary stuff but you have two choices (well maybe more but two that matter) you can live like you will live or you can live like you will die. I choose to live like I will live and let the future take care of itself.

There are no guarantees, sweetie - all any of us have is today , so live it with gusto, smile as much as possible, enjoy those kiddos and put the fear in a little box you carry with you. Take it out and examine it when you want (but not too often) and the rest of the time - live.

caaclark · December 2010

Faithful-

Welcome!! Glad you decided to post.

I could have written your post! We understand what you are feeling. I also had young children when diagnosed at age 40 (kids were then 8, 6 and 4). When I was done treatment I felt like I "should" be happy like everyone else around me but the truth was, I was so scared that I was living on borrowed time. I (like many other women) was fantastic at showing people how great I was doing but the truth was that I was struggling internally with the what ifs.

For me the physical treatment of bc was a piece of cake compared to the emotional fallout. My only piece of advice would be to continue counseling. I did not go to counseling until treatment was all over. Once I got to the point where I felt like I was simply going through the motions of life, rather than really living, I went. I really thought I could get through it without help but I was wrong. I think as moms we try to fix things for everyone else and for me I almost felt guilty that I was not as happy as other people thought I should be. I hope that makes sense to you.

My husband also is willing (even now) to listen to me so make sure you keep yours in the loop. Your friends just want you to be back to normal and really do not know how to react when you want to talk about it.

Lastly, I can tell you that it DOES get better with time. You think it won't but one day you wake up and realize that you are getting past it.

kim40 · December 2010

Faithful

So glad that you decided to post. Welcome to the club that no one wants to join, but you will find a sisterhood here like no other.

We truly do understand where you are coming from. Like the others said before me, there are certainly no guarantees in life. We were dealt the crappiest card in the deck, but we have to do what we have to do to get through it and from the sounds of it, your doing it.

The fear is always there - mostly when you are finished treatment. While you are in treatment, you feel like you are fighting and then when treatment is over, you feel "what now?". You will come to a point though, where it isn't so fore front in your mind anymore. I know, right now you don't feel that way, but it will.

I was so overcome with fear last year, that I could barely function. I sought professional help and it really did do me a world of good. I got a lot of things out on the table that sometimes, no matter how supportive our spouses are, you don't tell them everything because you don't want them to worry too much. My doctor also perscribed Effexor for me to help with all of the anxiety that I was having also and it really did help a lot.

My advice, continue with the counseling. It will really help a lot. Feel free to vent here anytime you need too. These Stage 3 ladies are wonderful.

AnacortesGirl · December 2010

I understand the shock of getting a IIIc dx. You feel like you've been taken to the brink. But with all the treatments you are now healthy and have no evidence of disease. It's pretty darn hard to forget what it was like when you felt like your future was cut short.

I'm only 3 months ahead of you so I know what it's like trying to get rid of those fears. My way of dealing with it is to keep looking around me everyday and realizing what a good day it really is. Some days my DH will look outside at the rain and say what a lousy day it is. NO! It's a good day! I'm alive. I get to see the rain fall. I get to feel it and watch it water the trees and garden!

My kids are grown so I don't have the challenge that you are facing. My first grandson was born when I was two months into chemo. And now they are expecting again.

When I was going through chemo I couldn't function well. I couldn't think and had very little energy. My goals were to make it through the week and on the really bad days the goal was to make it through the day. Now I can think again. I'm back at work and functioning. I'm starting to think in terms of next year. And as I progress to next year then I'm expecting that I'll start to think about the next 5 years. And eventually it will be even longer. I will get to my future. And so will you!

gillyone · December 2010

Like AnacortesGirl, I too live with the IIIc dx. What a shock that was. I am a little further along than you and the further out I get, the better it is. Hang in there. Keep posting here - lots of wonderful ladies with support for you.

Beverly11 · December 2010

Welcome Faithfulheart - Everyone has provided such wonderful wisdom as they always do. We truly do understand each other. No else usually can. This cancer thing to me is a real process. I do believe that I am getting better at it though. It is up on a shelf but sometimes it does fall down. This time of year is trying as it is near my dx. Yesterday, my daughter's boyfriend was encouraging me to file a lawsuit against the doctors as I was misdiagnosed. I have filed complaint letters against 2 but we have chosen to let it be and go on with out lives. My husband & I are both type A and would just spend the rest of our time fighting a system that we would have slim to nil chances of beating. I believe my time would be better spent volunteering etc... But, the conversation did bring back those emotions to the forefront. The anger came back... but it didn't stay. The comparison of a war is interesting. I felt like the docs who mis dx me were like rapists and I have had to make the choice to forgive them in order to go on.

Living in the moment is something I do more and sometimes I am selfish with my time as I get scared about how much I may have. But, for the most part I am just trying to live without any regrets. I am doing everything I can so I will be healthy, treat people around me as well as I can, and not postpone things I want to do.

It does get better but we all different than before. We have all grown from our experiences and met awesome people along the way. Every night before I go to sleep I make a mental list of things that I am thankful for. I actually did this to help me sleep when I was having problems. (think of something with every letter of the alphabet; z = zometa)

Keep Praying, do things that make you happy, laugh a lot, exercise

Bev

Beverly11 · December 2010

I really need to update my photo!!! I have so much more hair now. Another thing I am thankful for especially living in Winnipeg in -20 C!

faithfulheart · December 2010

Wow!! Like everyminute said, I am so glad I came out of the closet! Ladies you are wonderful , thank you for your warm welcome. I have tears as I read all the great advice . I can;t tell you

how good it feels to know all of you understand, really understand. I am so inspired by how everyone is moving on, not letting this card we have all been dealt rule your lives. I think it's so true that time will help. I will say, that with each day that goes by I do feel a little stronger. I will admit I do put on the I am doing fabulous routine alot, mostly at the kids school or with friends.

My family is another story, I let my feelings out beause I think its a safe place, but what they really want is to see me move forward!! I will save the fear talk for counseling, or better yet for my

new sisters on this board! I will say that 3c is a tough pill to swallow, tougher then the tamox, lol, but I don't look at numbers we are not numbers. I know that this really is not in my control and

I need to surrender this fear and live every day, truley live! kerrymac, what you said when you were putting away the christmas stuff and wondering if it would be the last, I felt the same way.

I think we just can't avoid those feelings sometimes they just creep in, and then we push them out!!! The other challege of course is to remmember that not every ache and new pain I have is

a reacurrance, thats just having canceritis!! I second the exersise advice thats somthing that needs some work, I have good intentions, but I will hop on the tredmill today!!! It is very good

advice , I know it really helps with reacurrance, along with all the positive thinking, vit,D ,supplements, green tea, asprin, tablespoons of asaragus, and lots of prayer!!!

The beast has no chance. I feel a sisterhood here I have not felt since my journey began, thank you so much for listening, and responding so beautifully!! You have givin me so much hope, I pray

I can be ther for you too!!

God bless you all !!!!!!

Faithful

diana50 · December 2010

faithful

all the posts above are inspirational and honest. i am an "oldie" been around here now since 2002...with 10 positive nodes. always remember that you got cutting edge treatment..that your doctors "do cancer" every day and see tons of patients..they know what they are doing. let yourself continue to heal.....recover from all the trauma..physical..emotional...a cancer diagnosis rocks your world..makes you feel so vunerable....BUT...you can do this by just taking one day at a time..focus on life....go ahead and have your bad days...but just don't stay there. i am now aat the point i just figure i will worry about breast cancer...when and if they tell me it is back as a result of a biopsy. and that is it. we all find ways to cope with this stuff; some are similar...some different. however....the exercise...walking...running...whatevver..is most important for you body and psyche.

hang in there. we are here**

diana*

Anonymous · December 2010

My breast nurse navigator (and BC survivor herself) told me when thoughts get gloomy, just remember there is always some one with a worse diagnosis than you. I know that's true, but some days are like living a nightmare still. Anacortes has a great outlook -- thankful that she is able to enjoy seeing a rainy day. Let me know how counseling goes. I feel bad that your friends and family don't want to discuss it anymore. They are probably feeling the stress-effects too, but come here and be supported by ALL OF US !!

Sec3Girls · December 2010

Shelly56 - I love your quote.

I am not as far removed from my treatment as many of you but having the same feeling. When I finished Chemo, I thought I would feel this big weight taken off of me. Instead, I had this great sense of fear come over me. I was diagnosed in May this year, MX in June, 17 wks Chemo, Reconstruction in November and start of radiation in Dec. My pastor told me that my fear was God given. It is there as a reminder to me to do everything I can possible to prevent this cancer from coming back. It also said that the key is to not let the fear in the forefront of my mind - that spot needs to be reserved for Hope. A lot easier said than done. My hope right now is that this fear will go away over time. I look at my 3 small children- 6yr, 5yr, 3yr and know that I have to be here to watch them grow up.

I am so happy you posted this. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I speak of my fears with my husband, parents or inlaws and they minimize how I am feeling.

YATCOMW · December 2010

I think all of us stage III girls could have written your post in the beginning. I have always thought the toughest part of this disease is not the treatment but rather the mental aspect of getting past the ramifications of a cancer diagnosis.....how it affects us but mostly those that we love.

I celebrated my seventh christmas this year.....i remember my first like it was yesterday and like others wondered how many more I would get. Who knew? 7!

What changed was first just plain old time on my side. But I also read a post early on about a woman that worried so much the first six years about a reoccurence that her life stood still. I thought....wow....if I am not careful this could be me. With 17 nodes positive and an 8 cm tumor.....you could climb under the covers and never come out.....but I didn't want to look back with three small children and waste those years. Regret that I stood paralyzed by the disease. I decided I had to "get over it" and have hope that I would beat this.....for my kids I had to get on with life.

All easy to say.....harder to do.....but you will get there. Don't let cancer take one minute more of your life. Don't let it win.....kick it to the curb......Believe you will be fine. Have hope.

Jacqueline

elliemay1030 · December 2010

I could have written your post. I went from stage 1, no big deal- no chemo, no radiation, to stage IIIa and a sinking abyss....every day I have to pull myself out of the meloncholy and fight. Exercise is a big boost, although I am still in chemo, (one more to go), I try to walk everyday at least one mile, preferably 2- somedays, I just cant due to the fatique and shakyness. I cannot believe somedays that this is happening...I have a 9 yr old son and husband who need me. I think about making tapes for special occasions, special birthdays (13, 16, 21), graduating from high school, going to college, getting married- I even bought myself a tripod for my camera so that I can do this and give them to my sister to play for my son at the time (if I am not here). Is this planning and practical, or "not fighting". I am not sure- I know that when I have these done, I will feel better. It is definitely NOT what I thought I would be doing, sigh.... I hope you find the peace that you need to move forward.

YATCOMW · December 2010

The other thing I did since my kids were 7,9, and 13....and I knew were frightened for me (having a bald head and all & had just lost a friend with cancer)....I told them that laughter killed cancer cells. It was their job to help me kill them. Sometimes the dog would do something goofy and I would laugh.....and the kids were thrilled the dog was helping too. Mostly we had a house filled with laughter during a difficult time.....it worked....and they got the feeling they were part of the healing.

Jacqueline

Pure · December 2010

Have hope...Lots of hope..Allow yourself to believe you will beat this! You can-you will- you are!

Hugs!~~

faithfulheart · December 2010

Diana50, Yatcomw, all of you bring me so much hope!!!!

Yatcomw, I love your Laughter Idea, looks

like it worked for you!! My kids will love that. I just got back from a walk with the kids, its a beautiful day here in ca. the suns out and I'm here to enjoy it! I see lots of light at the end of this

tunnel, lots of light for all of us!!!

Elliemay1030 , you will be here for all those special occasions!!! Thank you for your kind words,

I will pray you find the peace you need as well.

Keep the good advice comin they are the most inspiring words I have heard in over a year! not to say

I don't have a wonderful family I do, I am blessed to have them. These words are different they

are spoken by true Warrior's!!!!!

Have a Happy New year sisters!

Faithfulheart

allalone · December 2010

faithfulheart : I was dx just 2 months before you and I came straight to Stage III 3 days before surgery and the support I gained from paml, Victoriasecret, lexislove, apple, London-Virginia, YATCOMW, Weesa, KerryMac, LittleFlower, dlb823, cherneski, maryannecb and lkc took me off the brink and out of my darkest hours ever. I, too, am glad you've come out of the closet because we really are in a minority on these boards, and we need the support of those who "get it" to help us move forward.

I know what you mean about "how a diagnosis can go from one stage to another just like that" - an inconclusive scan put me in Stage IV for a while, and that made me angrier than ever about being dxed so horribly late (after getting a clear mammo and being examined by two docs who told me that the pain I was experiencing was caused by fibrocystic breasts - so how come there was no pain in the other breast?) - and then I settled back into Stage III and had other health problems to deal with which kept me off the boards for a year - and the way I moved forward was thru laughter, Vit D3 (I was practically at zero level), a little bit of exercise and getting tons of sleep.

YATCOMW is right - it's amazing how finding something funny in everyday life just lifts your spirits. I love the Fun and Games forum on BCO for that reason. In India they have laughter clubs and it's said that laughing changes your physiology - don't think it's a cure for cancer, but hey! it has to be better for us than crying (but then I've read somewhere that crying removes toxins - OMG, don't you just love it when one study contradicts another).

lauri · December 2010

faithfulheart -- by now you realize you're not alone. My BC support group in SF got me through a lot during treatment, and we've spun off into a post-treatment group because EVERYBODY has those fears once in a while, and nobody who isn't going through it wants to hear us. There are a number of women who only come to the group after they have finished treatment and everybody around them says "you're cured -- why do you still want to talk about THAT?"

SpunkyGirl · December 2010

To me, laughter is the BEST medicine! And, we forgot to mention that we all don't let anyone drag us down. So if you have anyone in your life who's hindering you, or not helping you feel like you can beat this thing, kick 'em to the curb! Life is too short!

allalone · December 2010

lauri : You are so lucky to have a real-life support group that helped you. I was forced to find online support after finding that the only SG in my area was for "early stages" only - I was gutted and felt so alone. If you have time, please read the post by Mazy1959 in the Why do I feel we are being overlooked thread on Stage IV Created Sep 28, 2010 05:21 pm by cmhartley. Mazy1959 was also turned away by a real life support group. Apparently late stagers scare the horses, and it's all because of the pink campaigners who pretend we don't exist.

SpunkyGirl : Yes, so true about drag downers! The only drag downer I have to worry about at home is myself (I live alone), so it's vitally important for me to be able to drag myself out of low moods quickly - and, because it's usually other people who put me in a low mood, I really do have to be very careful of the people I bring into my life.

GrandmaBubba · December 2010

Faithfulheart - I deal with the fear a different way than most here. I am still in treatment - rads next month. When I found out my dx my first thought was of Job. "but don't touch his life". I wasn't afraid of the disease. I was afraid people would treat me differently. I am not the disease I am still the same person. I don't put my fear in a box. I put it at the foot of the cross and trust that God is big enough to handle it. Our church has a cancer support group, you might look for one in your area. Be praying for you.

Tonia

Bugs · December 2010

Faithfulheart, I have nothing more to add that these wonderful sisters have not already said. Other than to repeat that it DOES get easier. I also wanted to welcome you to the boards. Come here often..we get it and can help you through it.

Bugs

karen1956 · December 2010

Faithfulheart...,I second what Bugs said...the ladies here have given you fantastic advice....I won't say it gets easier with time, but the beast is not at the forefront of your mind as time goes on...I am at the point of the beast will come back or it won't regardless of what I do....that being said, I live a healthy life... have a good weight,eat well, (but do enjoy treats of junk food and red wine) and walk most days....I don't worry about the milestones in my children's lives, but I think that is just my head in the sand...my children are older than yours...they are now 24, 21 and 12...I've been fortunate to see my oldest get married and the Bar and Bat Mitzvah of my two younger children.....I tried a support group after I was first Dx and never went back...the ladies felt sorry for me because I was stage 3....they were all early stage...and they all had the notion that because of bad relationships they got cancer....yeah right!!!!...BCO is wonderful...the ladies have great information...plus they all share all aspects of their lives....children, husbands, jobs...its not just BC...its life!!! Lets all grow old together into crabby old ladies!!!!

kimber3006 · December 2010

Welcome Faithfulheart! So glad you finally spoke up. You are about a month ahead of me. I can't imagine not having all of these wonderful ladies to talk to for all this time! Like you, my son was only 4 when I was dx at age 39, and my greatest fear is still that I won't be here to see him grow up. I guess I just keep the fear shoved back out of sight in my mind. I tripped over it unexpectedly a couple of times the last few weeks, first with a mammogram and again when my onc ordered a bone scan, but I'm pretty good at firmly placing it aside most of the time. Part is faith, part is the strength that comes from this group, and part is that I'm just a very practical person. If it does come back I don't want to have spent all of my time being scared and sad. So, like some of the others, when the fear creeps up I just tell myself, "Not today. Today I'm NED and I'm going to make this a good day." Then I shove it all back out of my way and move on. When that fails, we've always got here.

pupfoster1 · December 2010

Wow,

I could have written this very post. I too have been thinking a lot about the future and if I'll see my kids grow up, etc. I too was blindsided by my dx, although I had scares in the years before. But when it actually happened, I had been lulled in to a false sense of security by all the previous negative results. I had a "normal" mammo the year before too, and my primary tumor ended up being 6.5 cm (as well as 13 positive nodes)! How in the world was that not picked up (I did have large, dense breasts)?

These ladies have helped me tremendously, and I plan on getting a new psych/therapist after the New Year. I will definitely be reading what the other ladies have recommended to see what keeps them togehter!

Glad to see you are here,

Sharon

faithfulheart · January 2011

Ladies,

I just can't imagine how I got through this last year with out all of You!! You are all Amazing strong women!

Thank you for the incredible advice. I just think it's so helpful to talk about it rather then stuff it down. I love the advice about the box, putting the fear in a box on the shelf, taking it out once in a while and it's back on the shelf. I know it's a process, I do get angry still when I see healthy moms with there kids talking about high school, college ect... I'm not angry at God, He did not give me this crappy disease, the cards were just dealt. I will say sometimes I think we have the secret to a happy life, a true honest real happy life. We Know what matters, We value the small stuff. I was at a football game the other day that no one really wanted to be at. I thought I really don't care where we are as long as were there!! I know you all Know what I mean.

So mabey I will go as far as to say it's the silver lining, the gift no one else has, nor do we want them too! However if we could bottle the feeling of gratitude and sell it, don't you think the world would be a better place!!

Lots of Hugs!

Faithful

AnacortesGirl · January 2011

You said it all in your last post! I couldn't agree more.

Anonymous · January 2011

Faithfulheart ~ All the stage 3ers here on this board have said everything. You are in a good place here for the support you need especially on the days you feel you can't move forward.

Barb

pip57 · January 2011

This is just what keeps drawing me back to this site.

We really are all going through a lot of the same fears and insecurities as time goes on. No one, not even our most loving and faithful family and friends, can understand it like our bc sisters can.

Moving Forward

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are spoken by true Warrior's!!!!!

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