Mother of a Stage IV Daughter - So Unfair

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Joyce4123
Joyce4123 Member Posts: 188
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

I couldn't believe it when she told me she had breast cancer in June 2009.  Still more shocking was the fact it had metastized to her spine and liver!!  And then a BIG bomb - this June it had gone to her brain!  My question is how do I as her mother continue day to day to be a positive reinforcement for her when I with her and keep my own self under control when I'm not with her?  My mind races constantly to the "what ifs" and the "what happens when" and I can't stop those thoughts!  Any advice from other caregivers, especially if you are a mother of a cancer patient, would be greatly appreciated.  My best to you all

Joyce

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  • changes
    changes Member Posts: 622
    edited December 2010

    Joyce - I am not a mother, but I wanted to comment so your thread will be bumped up. I hope someone comes along soon who has some input.

    Sorry you're going through this,

    Karen

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  • carcharm
    carcharm Member Posts: 486
    edited December 2010

    I just want you to know that you are a wonderful mother to feel so deeply for your daughter. She is blessed to have you in her life. I have a 24 year old son who suffered horribly from his birth till age 4. He was born with imperforate anus and did not sleep thru the night due to intense intestinal pain until they gave him a colostomy. How could so many doctors over 4 years of this young boy's life not be able to diagnose what was wrong with him? The final straw was that he develeped clostridium difficile toxin which threatened his life. I was so angry and hurt that this could happen to my son. I did not see any good that could possibly come from this. I still don't see it all. But,I learned so much about life and health and working with physicians and it made me a stronger person - spiritually, professionally, etc... I believe in God and how he works in mysterious ways. It's horrible that your daughter is going thru this and that you suffer such anxiety because of it. But, the gift of tragedies are life long lessons and deeper apprecation of all things. Maybe someone, not necessarily you, will be catipulted into a new life path that will help large numbers of human beings or maybe others will be subtly affected by her courage and strength in this crappy situation. How do you stay strong? I can only answer with the belief that God is wise and good and having that at the core when you are weak and broken - knowing that he makes good things happen from horrible things and only he has the power to understand and do these things. I don't know how else to explain anything if I didn't have faith in God. My heart hurts for you and I pray that answers, love, peace, and hope come to you this christmas season.

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  • Joyce4123
    Joyce4123 Member Posts: 188
    edited December 2010

    Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.  We spent a great Christmas Eve and Day together with family and I can only pray there will be others!  All my best to you both.

    Joyce

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited December 2010

    Joyce, cry with her, let her be scared. Let her know you are scared. Let her be angry and funny and sad and smart all at the same time. Find things you can laugh about as that releases a lot of tension. Funny movies, books, shows, etc. Surprise her with small things that show you are thinking about her; a novel from a favorite author, etc.

    It's the little details she will remember, not the grand gestures. Hold her hand when you walk together, I still do and my daughter is 28.

    I guess my point is that as her mother you have the closest bond to her and you have the right to grieve with her. Holding everything in costs a lot more energy and stress than just talking it out. It may be a huge deluge of pain at first but will get easier with time.

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  • Joyce4123
    Joyce4123 Member Posts: 188
    edited December 2010

    barbe - thanks for the ideas.  We have been very close since she was dx.  We have done fun things and gone places and talked about it.  It just so very difficult .............the whole situation is horrible.  Kids aren't supposed to die before their parents!  I pray each day that God give her a miracle and give her longevity and good quality of life!  I hope he's listening!  My best to you.

    Joyce

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  • kirismum
    kirismum Member Posts: 86
    edited December 2010

    Joyce, you know I am here for you. I cannot imagine your fear. It's hard enough for me with Kiri, and she is only stage IIb/IIIa (no one seems to know). Your daughter and you are in my prayers. You will find incredibly strong, vital and encouraging women in the Stage IV forum here--just scroll down to find it. I have a dear dear friend I'm not sure whether I told you about that has been living an active, wonderful life as a Stage IV survivor for well over 20 years. Your daughter has the right attitude and character and she is getting great care. We should try to get together in the New Year sometime. Sending love.

    Zoe 

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  • lorieg
    lorieg Member Posts: 802
    edited December 2010

    I have stage IV breast cancer.  I am a mother of two young children and of course I am a daughter as well.  I always tell myself that the one thing worse than dying and leaving my children motherless at a very young age would be to watch my daughter die of breast cancer.  Hugs to you.  I can not even imagine. 

    My personal experience....my mom provides a good mix of being positive but also of recognizing and discussing my fears with me.  I know I will die of breast cancer.  I just don't know when.  I can not have everyone be positive and blow sunshine up my butt all the time!  I also need people who understand and acknowledge my concerns and e to do everything they can do to support my little family in the event of my death.  I don't know if you have grandchildren, but I know that when I die my husband and children will need support.  I want my kids to know, without any doubts how much I loved them, how much I will always love them.  I also want them to know about me and my family can help give them those memories. 

    Hugs to you.  You and your daughter are in my prayers.

    Lori

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  • Joyce4123
    Joyce4123 Member Posts: 188
    edited December 2010

    Zoe and Lori - thanks for the support.  It's appreciated.  My best to you

    Joyce

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  • Doro
    Doro Member Posts: 1
    edited January 2011

    Hi Joyce, I know how you feel.  My daughter lives in a different state and told me that she had Breast Cancer last August and said she had the situation under control and didn't need any help.  However, my mind and heart were ill at ease.  She is just about finished with pre-op chemo and is due for the masectomy in early Feb.  Im just writing to tell you what helped me most and that was a course in Mindful Meditation.  It has helped me clear my mind and heart of fear and racing thoughts and focus on what my daughter wants done.  I greatly admire her for her courage in going through this ordeal.

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  • Joyce4123
    Joyce4123 Member Posts: 188
    edited January 2011

    I will see if I can find info on that.  thanks for the reply

    Joyce

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  • angsmom
    angsmom Member Posts: 22
    edited February 2011

    Joyce - I am going hrough the same thing.  My daughter was originally diagnosed as a stage 3 nearly 3 years ago.  She just had a scan and we got the results back that she now has a reoccurance in the lungs and is a stage IV.  I am still trying to digest this news.  As moms we will rally and do everything we can for our girls.  I know that a support group where you can talk to others going through it is a good way to help with coping.  I will pray for you and your daughter.

    God Bless

    Cathy

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  • patientsmom
    patientsmom Member Posts: 1
    edited March 2011

    dear joyce, i am also a mom,both my daughters have bc, one stage 2 recently diagnosed, the younger satge 4, was in remission 5 years on tamoxifen, now on chemo. i had bc 25 yrs ago, but got off easy. i hope they find a cure for this lousy illness before my 4 female grandkids get it!

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  • LRM216
    LRM216 Member Posts: 2,115
    edited March 2011

    Joyce:

    Have no pithy, witty answers for you, other than to tell you that you are not alone in this horrid situation.  While I am the breast cancer patient, not my daughter, she is nonetheless dying of "Failure to Thrive" after years and years of surgeries to try to help her damaged pancreas and digestive problems.  She is 39 yrs. old, the mother of two of my grand-children and my youngest of two daughters, whom I love very dearly.  I do not want to have to bury my daughter, it goes against all the laws of nature.  While she presently functions well on her own and is able to eat small amounts of certain foods, her body no longer absorbs any nutrients and she is contantly wracked with pain.  She is on pain pump that she wears which distributes around the clock methadone, and also takes other meds to keep her painfree as possible.  Also being a brittle diabetic, she has that to try to control everyday as well.  The last bit of pancreas was removed back in April and since that time and many attempts at keeping weight on her with vein feedings and even stomach tubes inserted into the stomach and hook ups to a pump - nothing seemed to work.  She has recently called quits to all of it .  She just can't take the pain and the constant suffering any long, while still continuing to lose weight .  She is with me at my house and will remain with me until the end.  I have raised my 15 year old grand-daughter for many years due to her mom's illnesses, and her 9 yr. old son is raised by my sister and brother in law who live nearby us.  We are a small but very close family, and the children are aware of what is to happen.  Hospice nurses come several times a week.  If she worsens (I don't even want to think it), they will come more often.

    I know your pain well, dear Joyce, Doro, patientsmom and Angsmom - this just shouldn't be allowed to happen - ever - yet it does.  All I can do is wish for you what I wish for my daughter and myself, and that is whatever life brings our way from this day forward - I wish for it to be gentle on my child, God knows she deserves that.

    God bless to  each of you and your daughters.

    Linda

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  • LRM216
    LRM216 Member Posts: 2,115
    edited March 2011

    My daughter, Tiffany, became an angel on March 24, 2011 at 12.44 a.m. I was there when she came into this world, and I was there with her when she left it.  The pain is intense.  God bless you all,

    Linda

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  • Babs37
    Babs37 Member Posts: 455
    edited March 2011
    LRM216- I am so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathy to you and your family. ((((HUGS))))
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  • Betterwannabe
    Betterwannabe Member Posts: 153
    edited March 2011

    I am so sorry for your lost, cannot even begin to imagine your pain. Prayers for comfort and peace...

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  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 8,458
    edited March 2011

    Linda, I am so sorry to hear this. My condolences to you and your family. I wish I had words of comfort for you but at a time like this, there are no words.

    May G-d send you comfort.

    Leah

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  • j414
    j414 Member Posts: 321
    edited March 2011

    Linda,

    My deepest condolences to your family. I can imagine no greater pain than a parent burying a child. It is indeed against the law of nature.

    J

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  • lorieg
    lorieg Member Posts: 802
    edited March 2011

    I am so terribly sorry for your loss.  Prayers for you and your family.

    Lori

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  • SandyAust
    SandyAust Member Posts: 393
    edited March 2011

    I am so sorry.  You are right.  This should not happen - ever.

    My thoughts are with you.

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  • hopetoheal
    hopetoheal Member Posts: 42
    edited March 2011

    LRM216 , i am very sorry.I pray god to give you strenght.

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  • BarbaraA
    BarbaraA Member Posts: 7,378
    edited March 2011

    My sincere condolences. Prayers for you and your family.

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  • angsmom
    angsmom Member Posts: 22
    edited March 2011

    Linda - I have always enjoyed reading your posts, even with all you have been going through - you are here reaching out to others and giving comfort.  I was very touched by your post to the other mothers on this thread.  This news breaks my heart.  I pray God gives you as much comfort and peace as you have done for so many others.

    You are in my prayers.

    Cathy

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  • Lmerali0824
    Lmerali0824 Member Posts: 6
    edited March 2011

    Linda,

    May God give you the strength to bear this loss. I can not even imagine what you are feeling....

    I wish God could come down and give answers to some questions.....

    Best wishes and lots of prayers for you and your family.

    Laila

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  • mks16
    mks16 Member Posts: 415
    edited March 2011

    I am so sorry to read this Linda... You and your grandchildren will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you and your loved ones strength and peace..

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  • Heidihill
    Heidihill Member Posts: 5,476
    edited March 2011

    I'm so sorry for your loss, Linda. I pray your family finds peace and comfort somehow.

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  • Fighter_34
    Fighter_34 Member Posts: 834
    edited March 2011

    Linda,

    Sorry for your loss. I always enjoy your insight and knowledge and it is w/ great sadness that I have to write my condolences to you.

    Take care...

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  • Sugar77
    Sugar77 Member Posts: 2,138
    edited March 2011

    Linda -  Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss.

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  • Letlet
    Letlet Member Posts: 1,053
    edited March 2011

    Linda, I am so sorry.

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  • VTmomofsurvivor
    VTmomofsurvivor Member Posts: 8
    edited May 2011

    Joyce, my 34 yr old daughter was just diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer 1 month ago....she still has not started treatment yet and I am having a hard time staying positive around her because I am so angry at the delay...she has progressed from no lymph node involvement 1 month ago to possible bone involvement as of May 26th.

     She is expressing a positive attitude and has friends rallying around her and her 9yr old and 5 yr old daughters and husband.  I am trying to channel my fears for her with helping with whatever I can...she is not used to accepting help, so it is stressful.

     I wish I could take this from her and take it on myself...it is so painful to watch our children suffer and know that we can't heal it with a hug.

    Nancy

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