Has Breast Cancer Affected Your Marriage?

Ples. talk with your onc as soon as possible about referral to a social worker or phsychologist who work with cancer patients--likely in the facility where you were treated and get a referral.  You are NORMAL!, both you and hrf.  Make sure you and dh Both get the counseling, even you have to go alone, that's ok.  It can be a huge benefit to YOU and likely your marriage.

Also, a book: Breast Cancer Husband has been considered here on the boards to be of help--mostly to the guys, but it can't hurt for us to see it from the other side as well.

My heart goes out to you, but you are not alone.  Many many of us have faced the same and with help gotten thru it with success of some sort.

Hi Robin -

You are not alone with breast cancer affecting your marriage.  I was diagnosed when I was 47.  I felt I was just getting to the stage where I could start concentrating more on my husband and I together...my youngest was then turning 18.  The night that it was confirmed as cancer, my husband went down to his man cave and proceeded to spend hours down there while I was upstairs crying.  I eventually yelled down from the top of the stairs that if he could not step up to the plate and help me through this, then we might as well just call it quits right then and there.  From that point through most of my treatment, he was pretty darn good.  This from a man that was never really there emotionally for me...like when my father died during our second year of marriage, etc. 

Then treatment ended, my hair started to grow back and I was getting some energy back.  Really from that point on, he is right back to where he was before and really even worse.  Coincidentally, he was buying a Harley on the day that I found the lump (against my wishes).  In the past four years, he has spent more time away from me, on his Harley and with his friends.  I don't have the energy or the desire to do those things so I sit home.  We moved from our hometown and I have a lot of acquaintances here but no real friends.  He actually said that he understood I did not feel good but he wasn't going to sit around waiting to die.  It is like my illness made him face his mortality and now he is running away from it.  He is also a very heavy drinker.  We really have very little in common anymore.  I can't drink because any alcohol gives me migraines.  He wants the fun-loving 20-30 somthing girl that he thought he was about to get back since the kids were grown, but she is long gone. 

So, because we actually still love each other, we live this weird lifestyle.  I am and have always been comfortable being by myself.  It can get quite boring though.  I read a lot and am about to start scrapbooking for my kids.  We still don't have a will made (crazy, I know), and I have begged him to go.  I actually even asked for this as a Christmas present this year.  It seems as though he uses my health as an excuse to be wild and crazy (just in case the inevitable happens to him) and yet he cannot do something that actually brings it to light.  Anyway, just wanted you to know that the dynamics of a relationship can definitely change during and after cancer treatment.  Counseling would probably be very helpful.  I chose to deal with this on my own but it isn't always easy. Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to actually invest in yourself.  Once you feel better, maybe he will too.  Wishing you all the best and sending hugs

Cheryl

Hi.  It certainly affected my marriage.  He was awful through treatment and after.  And, as I look back--he was awful before any of it and I couldnt see how bad.  I left...I went through treatment, got strong again and I left!  I have beautiful amazing calm in my life.  I love it....he still calls, says he loves me, and then does the same sh*tty stuff...so he constantly confirms my good decision.   Best wishes to you.

I am 2 years out from treatment, my hair has grown back, but I did put some weight on with the tamoxifin.  Three weeks ago my husband told me he was no longer attracted to me and the lack of breasts makes him unable to have sex with me or anyone else.  He has had an affair with someone 16 years our junior for the last 5 months and wants out of the marriage.  I'm lost.

Oh, Basket, I am so very sorry.  I cannot think of anything to say, really, except I'll help you beat him up if you like!

WOW~

Very powerful Brigadoonbenson.

I can relate.

Basketnut3.  I know this is so hurtful and as a human being I am ashamed for him that he would be so dishonest as to use your breast cancer as an excuse for his shortcomings.  Today I sat across the desk from a man in his 60's who has had a mastectomy with radiation and chemo.  He unzipped his shirt and showed me the area that was affected.  I was struck by how beautiful this man was with his white hair, wonderful, sparkling eyes and his buddha belly.  He was made even more attractive by his willingness to tell his story and to make a connection with me that was oh, so human.  This is a man who would laugh in bed, kiss the stretchmarks and honor them over a taught belly and slim waist.  That is the kind of man we all deserve.  Put your arms around yourself and know that you are worth so much more than superficial beauty.  You and your body have a prize winning story to tell about how to live with courage.