4 years later and I'm still Devastated!

Its easy to say, but I still will do.

You are over 4 years NED. Lucky you. So damm lucky. I hear you, and let me tell you. Its kinda normal, BC will NEVER leave us. never. But try to look the other way, listen to good music, take  a walk, read a book. Something that gets your mind off, once you get used to your new habit, you will look forward for your walk, book, whatever. Trust me. Sometimes just driving your car around , windows closed and loud music. I do that sometimes. Can you take Aromasin, Arimidex or Femara ????

A gentle hug from me to you..... 

I am so sorry your feeling this way but in my opioun ( and this s my opioun only) 4 years is a long time-each of those days a blessing and at this point maybe goint to chat with someone would be helpful. If at 4 years moving on is not happening and your still deeply sad then I would say that's not normal and you deserve to live each day with joy. Maybe getting a good psychologist who specializes in cancer patients. I wouldn't waste anymore time in saddness it's take to make big changes so you can be happy and live the life you were meant to live.

Four years cancer free is something to cheer about!  If your potential employer doesn't like the weight gain then too bad!  Take it as a message from the universe that something better is on the horizon. God is good....all the time.  Just my 2 cents.  xxoo Annette

Blue,   I know it is hard to not think negative depressing thoughts but it is very detrimental to do this.  Maybe you could find ways to do things for other people like volunteering or reading to the elderly or something.   I have found that I feel better about myself when I am helping others and maybe you would too.

I definitely think some depression meds or consultations with a specialist are in order.  I am thrilled to hear that you have been NED for 4 yrs and I pray I will be able to say that in the next 4 yrs.

I would go all out for that job and not give up no matter what!!!  There are better things around the next corner and I know something good will come your way.   I will add you to my prayer list if you don't mind.   Sending you a great big((((((((((CYBERHUG)))))))))).    Ginny

This might sound like a trite answer, but I think you should go to church. The Lord Jesus is the only person who can bring you out of this type of depression. We have lost several family members to suicide because they never found meaning in life. I really believe that a relationship with God will heal you completely...spiritually and emotionally, now that you are physically well.

Bluesky

Clinical depression, like post partem depression, is a biological illness.  Even the most positive people can be thrown for a loop when a major life event happens, Christian and non-Christian.  I would like to second Pure's suggestion about finding a good psychologist who can counsel you and also prescribe some medical help, if needed.

Maybe it will help you to know that you are not alone.  Most of the women I know who have gone through chemo/post treatment drugs are thrown into premature menopause, which I believe is responsible for the weight gain.  I was a size 6 before diagnosis but now waddle along at a size 12.  A size 12! ...yes for my short frame and the fact that most of the weight gain is in my stomach makes me look like the prototype for the 'weebles wobble but they don't fall down' toy.

Its an insult upon injury that not only do we lose our breasts but our remaining body image is dealt a severe blow.  It is what it is and learning to accept what can't be changed is a hard step to take.

Go for that job interview with your best smile and the best outfit and do your best.  If they don't hire you then maybe that wasn't the job for you. Maybe its time to find a new career direction.  Is there something else you always wanted to do? 

Bluesky, I am so sorry you are dealing with these feelings.  I can totally relate...and I am a devout Christian who loves the Lord...and I went into a total depression.  After a bmx, I developed lymphedema in my right arm and side.  I went into a tailspin.  Counseling helped me more than anything, and if it had not done the job, I would have taken medication, as well. 

I can't speak for anyone else, but alot of why I got to such a bad place was because I felt like I 'should' be able to talk myself out of it, pray my way out of it, go to church more, etc.  I was ashamed of feeling the way I did.  i felt like I should be able to handle all of this and move on.  When I finally got to the point of being willing to go see someone, I was so surprised at how much it helped me. 

I can relate to the Tamox. too - my onco. told me I have to keep taking it...I was on a little 'mini-break' from it, and he said no dice.  Dang it. 

Hang in there.

bluesky...I can totally relate to the Tamoxifin - I stopped after 2 1/2 years due to a potential increase in ovarian/cervical cancer - I had a spot removed from my cervix when I was 22. 

I takes a real effort to get the weight off - I rode my bicycle 5 miles every day.  I took my life back.  It is not easy.  And I did get help.  This time of year is not the best either so cut yourself some slack.  The holidays can be a very depressing time.  The gals have given you some real good options - just make an appointment, I was amazed at how easy it was once I got there and the results in being able to face the world again were amazing as well.

That was then - and being NED for 10 1/2 years, I moved from the east coast back home to Minnesota, spent my 50th birthday in Sturgis, have a wonderful job, bought a home - all sorts of great stuff and even though I lost my significant other almost 5 years ago, I am not unhappy but did go through a bout of depression and went back on the medication and then off it again.  09/09, I was dx'd with mets and after 3 months of hysteria, I saw a psychiatrist and am on a continuous regime of meds - I do get sad, mad, laugh, cry and have all my emotions but clinical depression is a biological illness - I did NOT have a chemical imbalance in my brain which is why all those years ago, many of the so-called 'anti-depressants' don't work for me.  I am now on an anti-depressant with an anti anxiety med and with the pain control - I am doing pretty darn good.

I know your feelings very well - been there, done that.  I put on 60 pounds after David died - still NED, I would celebrate but hid myself away - I got laid off and had no income.  I signed with a temp agency - my resume is impressive.  I put on my least ill fitting outfit, fixed my hair, put on a little bit of makeup and took an interview that I didn't really think would go anywhere.  It must have been that my attitude was such that I was going to impress with my skills and personality and not my looks - it took a month but I secured the job.  I am sitting at my desk right now and just passed my 4 year anniversary (almost 5, if you count my time as a temp). 

You are NED, you are still smart, you are still educated, you still have your skills - looks really aren't everything is today's workforce - and get on board with an agency, in this economy, many companies are using them to get the best quality people - kinda like a 'try out' and then they offer you the position as an employee.  The work world is changing.  I wore stretch top slacks with oversized nice sweaters and tops and flats everyday - I started to drop some pounds and then back they would come.  I only bought 5 outfits for work - I was not investing in a new wardrobe to fit my over 200 pound new size.  I have now lost 35 pounds and am wearing some of my own clothes again.  I don't diet - I just have adjusted how I eat.  I reach a point and then try and stay there and I have.  I am now hovering at the 170 mark consistantly - and today, 169 on the nose. 

You can do it too.  But it isn't going to happen overnight - you CAN decide overnight to take that first giant step - make the appointment, use the help and take back control of your life - and congrats on 4 years NED....WOO HOO!

Hugs to you....LowRider

PS - Don't be fooled by depression - it is just as sneaky as the beastly disease we fight...you are having classic 'mild clinical depression' and for good reason - I didn't understand this until I got to see the shrink - bc causes 'post traumatic stress disorder' puttting us in a state of mild clinical depression.  She specializes in bc patients, particularly mets.  There is more to treating breast cancer than just treating the disease - the whole person needs to be treated - mind, body and soul - for healing to occur.  Healing one part while ignoring the others does not restore the 'whole' person, only a part, leaving the other parts wanting and not understanding what is happening to them.  Just my lay person's experience...

it was telling to me that 'not working' has contributed to your sadness.   You have an opportunity to work maybe.. it may be just what you need to do.  Best of luck to you.  May your joy return.

Breast cancer is like the Hotel California. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

 I know that probably doesn't help much, but you're in a big club, a lot of women feel the way you do. A lot of good suggestions on this thread, especially from Lowrider.

Yep, Hotel California! 

Karen...I had those same concerns about being 'flat'.  I talked at length to my shrink about it - I am on Effexsor but stopped at the 75mg.  I was getting relief and asked if I had to go to the 150mg - she said no, whatever is working for you.  We did add the xanax at .5mg so it is anti depressant and anti anxiety in low doses - I cry, I laugh and have a pretty full range of 'normal' emotions - I was fearful that more would take that away.  It may be time to revisit a different form of anti-depressant - mental health is for sure not a one size fits all and after having so many things shoved at me years ago for the 'chemical imbalance in my brain' that doesn't exist - its classic PTSD manifesting in mild clinical depression.  Brain is firing on all cylinders so if anyone is finding no help with meds - or getting worse, it is not a chemical imbalance but regular old run of the mill mild clinical depression that can be treated quite easily and only for as long as you need it too - effexsor will take stepping down from just as it takes stepping up to but those messing with your neuro pathways just because they are the latest drugs the companies are pushing - like anything else - be your own advocate - if any of them leave you laying on the sofa for days or have you tossing your cookies for days - don't buy into the 'your body will adapt' crap - it isn't liking it - ask for something different. 

So, anybody try the room service yet? 

Hi Barb...Happy New Year!  Thanks for the clarification - with so many drugs out there - and docs that just assume there is a chemical imbalance - I am sorry that you have to deal with that but it sounds like it is under control - many get treated with the wrong stuff. 

The anti-anxieties are really so helpful with a bc dx - especially the ativan that also helps with the nausea from chemo.  I liked the Effexsor as it has the benefit of helping with the sweats and hot flashes from the anti-hormonals.  I thought it worth repeating about the doc I see as that is important too - being comfortable with everyone involved in the treatment of your whole self:

At my first visit, the psychiatrist said to me - 'As a doctor, if you or anyone off the street comes into my office with strep throat, you will all leave with the exact same prescription, for the exact same medication, taken in the exact same dose, for the exact same time period.  Mental health is not that way just as breast cancer is not that way - it will take talking, trying different medications or combinations until we find the right fit for you'.  I am fortunate to have my doc specialize in breast cancer patients, particularly those with mets.  She knew more about my disease than I did at my first visit and took a very well educated 'guess' at what medication would be the one(s) for me - she was spot-on. 

Blue - you will get there - something magic happens when you hit the 5 year mark - can't explain it but suddenly, life is better than ever...

Hugs  Low

Congratulations Blue Sky! That is awesome. And the weight will come off as you feel more sure of yourself. My weight spiked thanks to mother nature when I hit menopause...so it follows the drugs would do the same but harsher. I felt like I had to starve to maintain. You are so on the right track with the gym. as soon as I get the go ahead to go back I am. It gave me a balance. The better I felt the less crap I wanted to eat. I hope 2011 is your best year yet:)

Hi BlueSky, I have been thinking of your orig post and wanted to send something to uplift you.

and here you are on your way to a brighter 2011. I wish you the very best.  Working and the Gym will get you where you need to be.

Congrtualtions and let us know  how you're doing.