Fear

Janice, here I am too, a 2b. I never thought that I have "1 in 4 chances". True, my BC was grade 2 not 3 like yours, but then I had more types of BC than you did. Right now, I do not feel that I have any type of condition. Really. I might not be right in my mind, but the only thing I need to cope with is the after-effects of the chemo and of the reconstruction. I get pissed at my PS for recommending the LD flap when I really didn't need it. I get pissed at the BS for wanting to do an ALND when I KNEW I didn't have any more lymph nodes affected. Isn't that crazy?

And all I do, right now, is to try and get back where I left off. Takes a while, but it's doable. I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day for me to do all I want to. I also have days when I am very fatigued - I am luckier than you though because my dear BF doesn't want me to get back to work yet so I don't have to deal with going to work every day -  but in those days, I just say "oh well, I guess it's relaxation day" and I go ahead and spend my day laying down, reading, or playing a computer game or plainly napping on and off the whole day. I my life I didn't have a lot of time for myself, and for really relaxing - so I'm taking the opportunity now. There is still so much to live and love in life, and I am not doing all this with the idea that I might only have 4 years to live - not at all. I am just enjoying my life.

And that onc of yours, he should have stressed too that you also have 3 in 4 chances to make it to the 5 years mark. The glass is half full all the time, all it takes is for us to be able to see that.

Janice,

For me, it's the fatigue that puts me in a different mindset. I hit the wall hard the other day (not literally and just had to lay down and be helped by my co-workers. When I have energy, I am more optimistic and can forget for awhile. You have been through a lot of treatment and surgeries...and I too have had the full treatment, and am waiting for the next round of reconstruction.  I do go to see a therapist once a week, which is so very helpful in dealing with all of this. Some days I am closer to the fear, and this usually coincides with fatigue. It's o.k. to acknowledge your real fears, and at the same time try to balance it out with some of the stories of survival WAY beyond our "stats." If you could even go to a support group once a month (I did that weekly too before I started back to more hours,) you may have another safe place to share your feelings, as well as working through the fear. You are not alone, and some days it is all about one day at a time

traci

Hi Janice,

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your thoughts and fears. I was diagnosed stage 2, and sometimes it seems to get SCARIER as time goes by. I feel every twinge, ache, pain, and headache, and think, "what is that?" I embrace the moment and enjoy my life, but fear is a constant companion..

wishing you health and peace,

Cat

Hi, Janice:

I understand where you're coming from...especially the tired part.  I was diagnosed in Jan. of this year, had a bmx, then wound up with lymphedema in April.  I think one reason I had such a hard time with bc and with the fear part is the LE is constantly there to remind me of it.  It's not something I can ignore because of the compression garments, treatment, pain, etc.  So, to be honest, I have had a hard time dealing with it.  I did like Day and questioned decisions I had made...I was angry.  I grieved for what I've lost...and then I just went into a depression, to be honest.

I went to a therapist for several months and I'm not sure whether actually going and talking to someone (and she was awesome - her mom had died of bc) or getting to the point where I could be honest enough to talk to someone was the key, but whatever it was, it worked.

I have spent so much of this year being scared, being angry, being sad...and I think that's normal given what has happened to me...but I'm done now.  I have a lot of living to do.  I don't know whether I have 2 years, 20 years, or what, but I'm not going to waste it by living in fear, or looking back, or being sad anymore. 

I have had the best time the past month or so just enjoying the holidays and living in the moment.  I have some health stuff going on...and it's so easy to think,"What if it's back?" and I guess that's normal once you've had cancer.

I hope you find some peace and joy...you deserve it.  We all do!

God bless,

Suzanne

Hi, Ladies, I feel the same way.  I was dx three years last month and I an stage 3.  The longer I out the more scared I am bc time is going by,  So I fear the shoe going to drop soon.  You know what I mean?  I try to be positive and I do have faith but....Also I am now taking Fermera and I think its going a number I me.  I hurt all the time and tired.  I have tried Aromison and it wasn't any better.  When I took tamoxifen I felt fine.  So I guess I don't have time on my side. I 'don't mean to be a downer, its just how I feel.

Hi Angie and Betty, I totally agree with you! I thank god for this board. I can write wacky feelings I have and fears and feel like Im normal.  I read both of your posts and I too totally understand. Its such a journey. Literally day by day. Im on Effexor XR and that has helped me tremendously but I still worry....and sometimes a lot and often. Like you said, a pain lingers somewhere and Im convinced its back. Its a crappy way to live. Another hard thing is I am extremely CLOSE to my sister and if I feel like I can't mention I even have a headache or something minor because she too gets really scared   Breaks my heart that it affects her like this too. She doesn't deserve this fear.  I love her so much.  We are a year apart. Anyway, sooo great to have this venting board from women who know totally what Im feeling and feel it too.  Lets all hope 2011 is great for all of us!