wife with liver mets - I want to be a better husband

Hi kenny and welcome- Im so sorry that your wife is going thru this. You may not of been there for her before which is sad but im glad that you are honest about it and want to be there for her now- Just be there emotionally for her and try to understand what she is going thru make sure she knows you love her and care about her make sure she has your support not just emotionally but physcially too maybe cooking for her, laundry housework all the things that she cant do physcally as well. Since your wife has mets you might want to try the stage 1V forum im sure they will give you a lot better advice than me. You might also let her know this is a great place for support with wonderful caring woman on here who would help her tremdously maybe she would come here herself it might help with what she is going thru.

Debbie

Tough questions, Kenny, Fortunately for me, when I had cancer 3 years ago, my wife set a great example for "being there", and I was a very difficult patient. Basically, if you really care, it shows and she'll know that you are there for her and you'll know what to do for her. At least I hope that that's the way it works as my wife comes home from the hospital tomorrow and I will need to be there for her.

Hi Kenny,

It's awesome that you want to be more supportive. My hubby was very supportive of me because he had cancer too. I worked full time throughout my treatment.  He did laundry, cooked, did the dishes & took out the trash. 

Sometimes I wished he would just talk to me about about anything, without me having to start the conversation.

My recovery has been slow, I still tire easily so he still does a lot around the house. He gets up early to fix breakfast & to make sure I get out of the house with everything I need.  This really means a lot to me.

I haven't always been the nicest person to get along with during treatment but he has stuck it out.  As he stated, "I married you in sickness or in health."  I was there for him when he was sick & now he is here for me since I've been sick.

God Bless you both! NJ 

What does it mean to be there for her, guess i never really answered that Kenny, sorry.

I think the main thing is be there physically and mentally, and really listen to whatever she says. With all your attention. Even if its the exact oppoistie what she said last night, we do change our minds when we are under stress or adapting to change, sometimes she might try a new idea on you while she sees how it might happen...  I heard a saying once; "How can I know what I think, till I hear what I say?" Things that scare me, lose a lot of thier power when I say them out lod and they dont [seem to] scare you, or they do but you stay with me and hug me despite the fear and we maybe cry a bit together and promise we will see it through... Harder is to also listen to what is not being said but maybe crying out to be heard, maybe by visual signs, heavy hints, practical situations, like, do i need to ASK you to lift this for me, can't you see i'm struggling? Often we can be unreasonable and expect others to be mindreaders and know our needs and fears, "being there" lets her practise asking for help, once she can explicitly ask you for what she needs, it then gets easier for her to ask other people too when you aren't around, lots of us have been fiercely independent before we were hit by illness. The biggest unasked question is probably Do I Matter, and Do you Really love me - Of course you do, but you can't tell a woman too many times, say it often and in as many different ways as you can! With little gifts maybe, with thoughtful actions, with gesture and especially don't forget, with words! Changed body image after surgery can be devastating to anyone's self esteem so any way you can build her up and let her know how much she is loved and valued will be so much appreciated. There are do-ers and talk-ers in this world, every one has their own personality and their own way to give and to recieve love, google for the Five Languages of Love {Gary chapman}, it's an approach i met recently and you will quickly identify how you best relate to each other and discover new ways to express your love. Wishing you both all the best. Hope that's some help.

I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through right now. 

As a single mom recently diagnosed, I don't have anyone there for me at least in the intimate way that a husband can be there for his wife.  Some things that I would find comforting (which would probably apply to most women) would be someone to just listen to me when I need to talk no matter how irrational I may be at the moment, to hold me when I am scared, and may I suggest telling her that you feel that you haven't been there for her in the past, and that you feel that you want make some changes and really be there for her as you move forward.  Ask her how she feels you could be a better husband, and ask her what she feels you can do for her to really be there for her during this process.  Opening the lines of communication is a key factor in creating and improving intimacy in a relationship, and by letting her know how you feel may lead to some very very good conversations between you and your wife. 

Good luck, all my best to you and your family...