Hiding from the world

txstardust · December 2010

Hi ladies, I know I can't be alone in this. I'd like to take a break from the world for a little while. I've had my fill of dr appointments, tests, and "well-meaning" family and friends, enough for a lifetime. Do you ever feel like just taking a break for a while? Like crawling in a cave where nobody can find you? As I look back over the past year+ since my dx, it seems that I haven't had any time just to myself. I don't feel like I've had the necessary time to absorb and process what has happened, and where I want to go to from here.

Just expressing my thoughts.

nowords · December 2010

I was diagnosed in April and did ok through chemo and surgery and started to slow down with rads...I spent the better part of a year doing most of what I had to and checking out from most everything and everyone except my Husband, kids and a friend or two...just hibernated and regrouped my altered world...I am back and better than ever...it is a process...do not put expectations on yourself or live by someone Else's idea of how you are doing or should be doing. I got tired of answering "How are you ... really..." by well meaning friends and relatives...and when I would really say how I was...except for my sister...(who is going through her own private hell) no one let me just vent...They all wanted to Pep talk and Pink ribbon Hope me up!!! it was easier for awhile to "disassociate and hope for the best"...enjoy your solitude...come back and play when you are ready...the world will still be here.

hymil · December 2010

Yep I can identify too, thank you for articulating it so well. Especially at Christmas there's such a pressure to go out and be jolly and meet everyone, im really glad we have unusually early and heavy snow here and it's okay to stay home or cancel social appointments. Now, if I could just get my boss to accept that my journey is not really necessary....

changes · December 2010

Yep - I am relate. I am in "active hibernation" right now. My summer was ruined by treatment, and I spent the fall trying to rebound physically. Now I'm working on the psychological rebound. I don't have energy to give to others. I have to work, but after work I cuddle with my dogs, read fantasy novels, and don't do much productive other than clean and do laundry. My plan is to continue to hibernate through the winter, and in the spring I'll think about gradually rejoining the world.

Do what you need to take care of yourself,

Karen

hymil · December 2010

My summer wasn't bad as I spent most of it outdoors being kind to myself- it's since i been back at work that things have gotten cold, dark, busy and depressing. Maybe I should quit this "earning a living" lark? Karen, if you are keeping up with cleaning and doing laundry as well as work you are way ahead of me!! I like the image of a spring bulb underground getting ready for a new year when the time is right.

txstardust · December 2010

Thanks everyone, I knew I could count on my sisters here to understand! It's so hard to explain what I'm feeling.

I just dropped my kids off with their father, where they're going for the next week. I have the next two weeks off of school, so I'm stocking up on books and ice cream and I'm going to hole up in my apartment until they come back. I think that's just what I'm needing right now. Yeah, i'll miss my girls, but it will be nice to not have to take care of anyone else for a little while.

hymil, the spring bulb is a great image. I just hope I can bloom in the spring!

Hugs to all!

Shrek4 · December 2010

Great idea. I do that for myself at least once every other week - it helps that my boyfriend works in a town that is about 100 miles from home, and most of the times he doesn't come home two days a week (saves money on gas). Favorite books, favorite movies, cookies and ice-cream, turn off the phone and lock the door. Time for ME baby.

jenn3 · December 2010

I took off a day from work last week for that very reason. I wanted a day in which I didn't hear my name........Jennifer..........Jenn.......Mom. I spent the day doing what I wanted to do for me, I didn't clean house, run errands, pay bills or shop for the holidays. I also didn't call anyone to join me on my day, call to talk to anyone or make plans to visit with anyone. Instead I relaxed in the morning, took a long walk, got my nails done and had a massage in the afternoon.

I have decided that I think I'll start doing this more often.......I think we all deserve a day to ourselves.

rumoret · December 2010

I had my chemo through the summer in 2006. I was still gaining my strength back during the month of December and just wanted to reflect on where I had been. I remember looking forward to February which usually gave my area it's first glimpse of warm weather. I remember my fatigue lifting each month as spring and summer came into view. Summer warmed my muscles and bones and I slowly felt my sense of self returning.

During my first two years I needed to really pamper myself and had to learn to say NO more often than I did prior to breast cancer. So if you need to crawl into a cozy cave for awhile then do it..... and....never.....ever....... hold back in expressing how you feel.

Sending you a gentle hug,

Terry Smile

changes · December 2010

Hymil,

To be honest, I don't bother to keep my house all that clean (LOL), but I do have 3 dogs so I have to put a little effort into it! Besides, since I'm hibernating, I want my "cave" to be fairly comfortable

Karen

LG300 · December 2010

Totally understand how you feel txstardust. I'd love to just hibernate right now. Once I go out, I'm actually glad I did, but I could easily stay home in my pajamas all day.

txstardust · December 2010

Yesterday was great. I sat in my easy chair with a warm blanket and a good book for most of the day. Went for a nice, long walk (2 hours!) and just took in the afternoon. I didn't call one person on the phone, didn't check facebook, didn't even come here to bco - didn't look at the computer at all as a matter of fact. I don't think i said a word to anyone the whole day.

All I have to do today is get some ice cream - forgot to stock up on that before!

Jenn, you definitely deserve it! I'm glad you took that time for you.

Thanks again, ladies, I feel so accepted and understood here. It's a nice feeling.

lovemyfamilysomuch · December 2010

I totally understand how you feel, and encourage you to honor your feelings always. It took me about a year to come out and I am finally back. I had some guilt, but it was what I needed. Be good to yourself, sweetie, we are with you! xo

amart1953 · January 2011

hi there everyone. i haven't been on this site for a really long time, but wow, for some reason i decided to come on and i can't believe that i found this topic right off the bat!!!!!!!!!!! it's like a god send. i am experiencing exactly like most of you ladies are. i just want to hibernate and i've been feeling this way for the past two years. i was dx in 2008, long story short, had 6 surgeries which includes reconstruction . and still, when i take a deep breath no one (doctors) can tell me why i am experiencing awful pain on the right side, like under the reconstruction other right side. honest to god, i have not been the same since i was dx. i have shortness of breath, like i said pain under the implant, tired, just feeling yucky. NOONE understands why i don't want to go out, or mingle with people. i just really don't want to. there are days i don't want to talk on the phone and my husband gets so annoyed with me. he doesn't understand why i'm not doing things for myself like he puts it. he thinks i should be working out, he says that i baby myself alittle too much, friends and family are always upset with me cause they don't understand i'm not the same janet as i use to be. they are right, i'm not, but i can't help it. after all the issues i had with he cancer, i was in a horrible roll over car accident. i just try o figure this all out and wonder why. it's alot to swollow and i jus wish i knew why. i am told because god only gives these things to the people who can handle it, i just feel so lonely and i don't like it. sorry, i can go on and on....

Anonymous · January 2011

Everything I've read says it can take at least 2 years to start feeling "normal" again after DX and treatment. For most of us we're too busy dealing with the physical aspects of treatment. When you finally finish all that, and you think you're done, it's time to process the emotional stuff. But this is usually the time our support system has dried up (except on here, of course!). I think a lot of us get stuck around this time. There is another thread on here called "A great saying about depression" where we post about trying to move on and heal once you're done with treatment.

amart- I just read a study that research pain levels a year after surgery for women who have had MX, MX with recon, augmentation and breast reduction. The highest levels of pain were experienced by women who have had MX with recon, specifically those who got implants. The study advised surgeons to counsel their patients on the possibility of developing chronic pain with the implants. I also have pain with mine so I can sympathize with what you are going through. Don't know about you but I was never told of the possibility of chronic pain.

amart1953 · January 2011

Hi there Kate, thank you for responding to me. No, I was never told about the chronic pain neither. My surgeon told me at my last visit that it could be....scar tissue (since i had so many surgeries), just the fact i was poked around in that area so many times, or it could be cancer in the chest walls. He wanted me to go for an xray, but I told him not yet. So do you have pain when you take a deep breath or what starts your pain?

Akenne20 · January 2011

HI amart

I am new here aand glad to find you all. Have you also concidered the possibility that you may have a rib out of place on your right side? ( I gather your surgery was all left side? ). Either the operating table ( moving a dead weight around ) or the car accident could have done this. You could go to a physio or even massage therapist, unless you have a chiro that you really trust. I have had my rib put back in place several times. You can often feel that one rib isn't lined up with the others, or have pain at sternum or vertebrae as well as between ribs.

Perfectly understand your reluctance to have Xray.Some things we dont wanna know. But if the pain is due to car accident, Xray might be useful. Certainly would give you mental relief!

Hope I'm not out of line. My apologies if I am.

Thanks girls, you're a great support.

jdootoo · January 2011

Good morning! I just read this post for the first time... I was wondering yesterday when I would feel back to normal again. Some of my friends think I am blowing them off, but I just want time with no responsibilities. I gave myself one year from dx to be totally selfish with my time, but my cancerversary is coming up and I don't think I am ready. Thanks for starting this thread!

One love, Jackie

Anonymous · January 2011

amart- My implants pretty much just ache all the time. I also have fibromyalgia and my PS told me (after the fact) that women with fibro can have higher rates of pain after implants but that they don't know why this is. If your PS thinks your pain is the result of scar tissue have they suggested massage and physical therapy? Most PS recommend you massage the implants twice a day at the beginning. I also read that after MX patients need to do continuous stretching for the rest of their life! (Which they will show you how to do at PT.) They said that the pectoral muscles want to constantly contract back into position and if they aren't continually stretched you can have ongoing pain. So lots of things to try and I think I would have that x-ray if I were you. If nothing else it would give you peace of mind.

amart1953 · January 2011

akene, thank you for your response. no i don't think you were out of line at all. i do appreciate your thought on what the pain can be from, but it's not at all my rib. the pain started after my reconstruction was done, so it had nothing to do with the car accident or my ribs. but again, thank you and i hope you are doing well.

amart

amart1953 · January 2011

hiya kate, i guess i also forgot to mention that i also have fibroidmyalgia!!!!! thank you for your response, it's great talking to others that totally understand.

Anonymous · January 2011

amart- There is another thread on here for those of us with auto-immune diseases like fibro. You should check it out. The title is "anyone out there with auto-immune/chronic pain issues before dx?"

yemaya · January 2011

I think that's pretty normal. Reflection is necessary. Take all the time you need!

wendybird · January 2011

Txstardust, Reading your post was like seeing my thoughts in words. I'm a year out, but I still don't feel the same as before the dx. I've basically cut myself off from my friends, and the world. I find myself crying at random times during the day at stipid stuff. It is good to know Im not alone in this.

I've been getting sharp pains around my implant even though I haven't gained any feeling or sensation. I thought something was wrong, or it was cancer growing back, but it is good to know I'm not the only one, but then I'm sad that we all now have this chronic pain. You just can't win!

Wendy

Hiding from the world

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