abandonment

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annettie
annettie Member Posts: 50
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I don't know how to even begin this or how to express myself. I'm so deeply saddened how people come and go in my life and I never hear from them again. Even when I try to stay in touch.

I was in touch with this incredible man who I admired so much. He told me how he thought of me often and I felt worthwhile. Well, I finally got the gumption up to tell him how I felt about him. He couldn't talk to me at that moment and told me again how much he thought of me. Well, about a week later he called and told me I would be no part of his life...I will have no part in his life...he told me it three times. I was totally humiliated. This is the second time I've been led on by these insensitive males since my divorce from the first insensitive male. I know having cancer is probably not a good time to have a relationship but I totally feel abandoned by everyone, even my sons who were so supportive at first. Now every morning I wake up and those are the words that go through my head instead of positive thoughts. I feel so worthless. I cry everyday and don't even want to leave my house anymore. I even took a medical leave of absence from work because of my inability to cope. I have to find a purpose in all this.

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  • Kodapants
    Kodapants Member Posts: 139
    edited December 2010

    Annettie, 

     I am so sorry that you feel so alone.  This disease takes away so much from our self esteem.  However,  this is the time to talk with your doctor about your depression.  You may need to get on something.

    In addition,  I know what you are going through.  My X left me high and dry a few months after my diagnosis with cancer.  I never seen or heard from him for 2 years and then he called.  I can tell you I am so glad I am not with that A**.  I remember when it happened I started seeing a therapist and even she could not help me so I quit going.  I have to say my job saved me.  I went to work and that is where I felt somewhat normal.  Also,  I started listening to positive life radio and still listen.  That radio station helped me pick myself up.

    My son is 24 yrs old and he doesn't understand loss!  Loss of any kind,  so when he is not sensitive I remember the old saying: "you can't miss your arm until it's gone" Sometimes it feels like the whole world is insensitive at times.

    What I have learned in my so called solitary confinement is "I'm okay! and this is where I need to be right now"  Remember,  Rejection is God's protection!

    Send me a private message if you want to. I do understand.

    Hugs, Koda

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  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited December 2010

    Maybe these men don't deserve us but the harm they do to us in the process is significant. And yes, drugs do help to get you through each day.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2010

    annettie- It probably doesn't help but abandonment is a very common side effect of BC.  For lots of reasons, a lot of people (men and women) cannot handle dealing with this.  Just wanted to say that it's not just you.  I think just about everyone on here has a few less relationships in their life after they're done with treatment.  I would try to focus on getting through this.  As far as your sons, I would definitely sit them down and tell them how you are feeling.  Some guys, my son included, just are kind of clueless about such things.  I'm sure they'd like to help but just aren't sure what it is you need.  Good luck to you.

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  • Lowrider54
    Lowrider54 Member Posts: 2,721
    edited December 2010

    Annettie...it is so hard.  I don't want to sound like I advocate "better living through pharmecueticals" but I well know the crying all the time and not wanting to go out of the house.  In order to cope, I finally sought help in the way of a visit to a psychiatrist that specializes in breast cancer patients.  I never met someone so well-versed in all the aspects one has to deal with when dx'd with breast cancer, particularly, stage iv.  It took a small amount of medication in the form of a low dose anti-depressant and a low dose anti anxiety medication along with the pain management I was already on - we were careful to not encounter any contraindications of any of my treatment - in a couple short weeks, the crying stopped and I rejoined the world.  It isn't perfect and I do still have my moments but it really helped me become functional again.

    Now, for you, always check with the docs but I think you might benefit from a short term use until you can regroup.  For me, I will be on this regime for the duration - I am trying to keep things all on the lower end so should things progress and get worse, I have room to step things up before having to resort to more potent crap that hopefully not come for many, many years.

    Oh...I tried a similar thing and while it was very exciting, the end result was - he couldn't deal with it.  Men.  ARRRRGGGG.  So, I didn't think about it and suddenly I have found an unexpected individual appear in my life.  He has been my handy-man for years and we were working on something and he grabbed my butt!  I didn't know what to make of it - we have always been 'huggy' as friends but this was different.  Then I started to get calls every morning - then morning and evening - just checking on me.  He is totally aware of my condition - he has seen me shuffle around and watched me work with him for a half hour and then have to sit for 2 hours.  I make no bones about it - it is what it is.  Well, I don't think this is a 'love' thing but it darn sure is a 'lust' thing and dang it, I am not worried about getting my heart broken so...as two consenting adults, neither of which has a significant other - I will take the company and the dating and the rest and live life!  Not such a bad deal with a terminal cancer diagnosis.

    As for the sons - my son is a Marine and while he gets it better than most having gone through my initial fight with this beast - chemo and all - when is was 8-9 years old, I am not sure he fully grasps the state of my well-being (or not well being) at this point but then, I tend to sheild him from the gory details and just keep him up to date on scans and treatment without every detail of the difficulties - it is so hard to talk about on the phone but when I did see him last, we had a very long and quite wonderful conversation about the end of life issues and all of what I must do - he is an amazing young man - sit your boys down and just tell them - keeping it to yourself won't work as they simply do not possess the intuition as we do. 

    I wish you the best!

    Hugs....LowRider

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