boy friend has sympthetic illnesses-not psychosomatic!

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amontro
amontro Member Posts: 504
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Two years ago, I had a single mastectomy and a Stage IV diagnoses. I've gone for radiation, and am treated weekly with herceptin, etc., etc.  My boy friend of 16 years (we've lived together 13) is 43 and I'm 68.  He has been good to me especially during this time.  However, he has been having health problems since last year.  He has had gastro surgery last year and spinal surgery this year.  I get the feeling that he cannot handle my illness and he feels that he needs to be taken care of as well.  Once, when I wasn't feeling well, he asked  me if I was trying to "outdo" him by being more serious than he is.  I tried to talk to him about it, but I think he is in  denial.

 Has anyone ever heard of this syndrome?  I spend more time taking care of him that I do myself.  I'm worried that, as my cancer worsens (and it will) that he will not be able to handle it.

Any comments or suggestions?  Thank you.

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  • MsLefty
    MsLefty Member Posts: 2
    edited December 2010

    I'm amazed at how similar your situation is to mine. I've been married 10 years to a man who is younger than me (43 to my nearly 55), and we've been together for 20 years or so.   I had a lumpectomy two years ago, and went through chemo and rads.  Shortly after I completed my treatment, my DH was diagnosed with bladder cancer (rare in someone as young as he is, especially a non-smoker), and later had a cancerous polyp removed from his colon.  In addition, he has a genetic clotting disease that caused him to have a DVT, and takes coumadin. 

    I believe that your boyfriend's medical problems are real, just like my husband's. But it seems that a lot of women are simply tougher than men when it comes to illness.  My DH becomes hypercritical about little things when he's not feeling well, and tries to micromanage me. I've begun seeing a psychiatrist, who is helping me deal with this and teaching me to respond appropriately.  Perhaps seeking counseling would help you, too.

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  • amontro
    amontro Member Posts: 504
    edited December 2010

    Thank you for your response, MsLefty.  I'm a lefty, too.  Years ago, I completed 13 years of weekly visits to a psychotherapist when I was diagnosed as clinically depressed.  This doctor has since moved on, but he was the best at the time.  I have seen other psychiatrists/psychotherapists since then for other matters.  It's like they're stuck on Psych 101.  Whatever they've told me, I already knew, e.g.,sit the person down and talk to them. It doesn/t work when the person is in denial (or mentally ill like my adult daughter).  I'd love to find someone who is experienced and who can work with me on my complicated concerns, but I'm not sure at this point how to find one.  Believe me, I'm very good at research and I have found therapists, but there's no way of knowing how right they are for you. 

    In any case, thank you for getting back to me.  Finding this forum and reading how other people have handled their situations is going to be a big help.

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  • 3jaysmom
    3jaysmom Member Posts: 4,266
    edited December 2010

    hey Mslefty,

        my circumstances are similiar; and we had them, even before i was dx. i have MS as well as bc; and my husband has his own set of physical problems. for me, ive come to realize that he is sick, and treat him accordingly. and, i also let him know that my cancer tx.; whatever it intails at the time; is the #1 for me. if i die, out of neglect,whatever; that leaves noone to take care of him..

       i also agree that men just aren't as tough as women are, when they're sick. we often argue; he gets into this "who's sicker" state of mind, and i have to chip away at him till we get to the point we're we can agree this isn't a competiotion, and there is no winner. what helps us is that we're very devoted to each other. neither one of us is going anywhere.. i also realize that its' actually the love he feels for me that is part of the problem.    he was so terrified he'd lose me with chemo; i almost died 2xs', that he really was traumatized. it took me awhike to just accept that. we do well, for awhile, and then, bam.. there we are again. i realize that im the stronger one in many ways. so, i found a therapist connected to the hosp. i had tx. in. maybe there's someone at the place you were tx.. mine specializes w/ ple who had cancer, and their family members.  it sounds like your 2 situations are like mine.. all the lines are blurred. i wish you well, and will be watching this thread.        3jaysmom

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