Stupid mammogram made me cry

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kimber3006
kimber3006 Member Posts: 586
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

I haven't cried over breast cancer in a really, really long time.  I actually haven't had a lot of time to think about it lately.  My husband is travelling a lot with work again and we just bought a new house.  I have a child in kindergarten and a full-time job.  Just trying to keep my head above water and squeeze in a few hours exercise a week is all I can do.  I'm almost never online for more than a few minutes, so while I lurk now and then on here, I haven't posted in forever.  Anyway, today was a really hard day.  I thought I was handling everything so well - even joking that at least this year I'll be done with my mammogram in half the time.  Then this afternoon I was sitting in my office at work and glanced at the clock thinking I needed to leave for my appointment in a couple hours, and the next thing I knew I was gasping for breath and shaking like a leaf with the tears streaming.  What a sucker punch.  I haven't had an anxiety attack like that in years.  I'm almost done with herceptin (last one next month) and my onc told me Monday he wanted me to leave the port in for a couple years since I was high risk.  Um, NO!  Then the mammogram today.  It's been a hard week.  So here I am pouring it out back here where I see friends who helped me through the first part of this mess and know everyone understands that I just needed to "talk".  Thanks for being here - don't know how I'd have made it through this year without you all.

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  • Bugs
    Bugs Member Posts: 1,719
    edited December 2010

    Oh honey!  {{hugs}}

    Get the port out.  My onc wanted to wait 6 mo post chemo and I did that..then said, no more.  What's the worst that can happen?  You have to get another one.  Getting mine out was a HUGE boost mentally.

    Ugh, on the mammo.  Well, it's done, you did it.  Cross that off your list for a few months.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2010

    Awwww Kimber, sending you lots of hugs sweetheart.  After having gone thru this nightmare of BC I too was the same way for my mammogram on the remaining breast.  I knew they had been watching the micro calcs and I was beside myself with anixiety.  I got thru it and felt, OMG, how am I going to do this every year, AS I Always Did and they still missed my tumor in the other breast.  Well, guess what, my anual mammo is due next month and now I'll go thru this all over again,.  Totally understand what you went thru.

    image

    Barb

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  • paml
    paml Member Posts: 81
    edited December 2010

    ahh Kimber

    You are not alone. I have had several breakdowns myself. For some reason, its always in the rad oncologist office. I feel that this fear will never leave us. Sending you lots of hugs also. We are all here for you!

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited December 2010

    I agree with the others,...get the port out!!!  My onc had me take mine out 3 weeks post chemo and I was more than happy to oblige....G-d forbid I ever need one again, I can have another one put in.....no mammos for me as I had a bilat, but I hear ya...sending you hugs....

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited December 2010

    Oh, I had to laugh at you saying "well it will only take half the time" - I said the same thing when I had my first post-Mx mammo!

    I just think this garbage comes and hits us like a truck when we are not expecting it. We think we are coping so well (and really, considering everything we really are!) and then someting can trigger an emotional meltdown.

    I had the same reaction when I had an MRI in September. Got out of the Machine, went to change and just couldn't stop crying. It was horrible.

    Hope you are feeling better today! As Sherri says, allow yourself to grieve occasionally, then pick yourself up and keep moving forward. ((((hugs))))

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited December 2010

    omg that is horrible your doc said that! I didn't even have a port ( and my doc is doom and gloom) and she put me on 6 month checkups. She is very hopefull and I think we all deserve that don't we?

    Your at high risk of it NOT coming back if he actually checked his stats!

    Hang in there...Its ok to have periods like this!

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  • littletower
    littletower Member Posts: 333
    edited December 2010

    What a "butt head" thing for your onc to tell you. Was he trying to be incredibly insensitive or does is just come naturally? Get the damn thing out and feel free from it. God forbid if you ever need it back in, you can get it back in. We all get it, it all sucks. Big hugs.

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  • kshep
    kshep Member Posts: 49
    edited December 2010

    Wow, I so totally understand!!  I was so tense for my mammogram as it was one year to the date of my diagnosis.  Super terrified, and then no one even got the results back to me for a month! I was "between" regular doctors and refused to call the onc for results figuring if it was bad they would have called me.   (all is fine- no sign of bc)  Anyway- I agree it should take half the time and I especially asked if it would be half the price!!  They (typically) laughed and blew the answer off, it will be interesting to get the bill.  Two days ago I started on an antidepressant, because now my anxiety is interfering with my life. Everyone tells me I look calm, but inside I am a churning mess!

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  • KittyDog
    KittyDog Member Posts: 1,079
    edited December 2010

    So sorry and I so understand.  Get the port out!  Got mine out the end of October. 

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited December 2010

    Oh my gosh Kimber,

    I SO get it!  I just had a scare and everyone here was so awesome helping me through it.  That's what this place is for.  I've had moments like that too that seem to come out of nowhere when I've been just fine a second before.  I swear it's like having PTSD.  Our bodies AND minds have been to war and back and things will never be the way they were before.  I assume you got the all clear on the mammo though????

    (((HUGS)))

    Sharon

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  • zoey1
    zoey1 Member Posts: 42
    edited December 2010

    I can sooo relate. Sometimes at work when the microwave buzzard goes off I jump because it reminds me of the radiation machine. I had my last radiation treatment four and a half years ago!

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  • amlg1
    amlg1 Member Posts: 596
    edited December 2010

    I also get it.I finished Herceptin in Aug.my onc. asked me if I wanted to get the port taken out.I was unsure what I should do,so she told me to wait 6 months,in which my appt. will be in Feb.I feel leaving it in,am I setting myself up for failure,or should I take the chance and get it out??I surely feel like and know I am high risk.

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  • sweeney
    sweeney Member Posts: 353
    edited December 2010

    Kimber, you're normal!! Sorry for the tears, they come when we least expect them, don't they? Stupid tears. Stupid hiccuping, gasping for air, terrified crying. You're in the right place. You'll get through this too. Take your time about the decision re the port- if you want it OUT it's YOUR choice.

    Sorry we've never ran into eachother on these boards before- but I'm here and so is everyone else and we're all in this together. No matter what. Big hug to you. I wish I could just show up at your door with a bag of milk duds and a bottle of wine. (Minus the stalker overtones!:) Stay strong, and when you can't come back.

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  • Medigal
    Medigal Member Posts: 1,412
    edited December 2010

    I never let them put a port in me.  I preferred to have the nurse cuss me out each visit cause she had to keep finding a vein to use.  I just could not bear the thought of it.  So if having it out makes you feel better, I would go with the advice the other ladies are giving you.

    I'm so sorry the Mammo is giving you anxiety attack. After all these years, it still is the one thing which upsets me.  It's wondering "what if" that does it with me.  So don't beat yourself up over it.  You are only reacting the way thousands of us do each year.  Best of luck to you on the results!

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  • 208sandy
    208sandy Member Posts: 2,610
    edited December 2010

    Kimber:

     Sorry you had such a bad time - I still have PTSD and I've had my port in for 3 years - my oncs want it to stay my PCP hates it and wants it out - as a matter of fact I have an appointment tomorrow morning to have it flushed yet again - I did let them know last onc appointment that in the new year it's coming out (one way or the other) - keep your chin up we're all here for you and trust me most of us have had breakdowns along the way.

    Hugs, Sandy

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  • kimber3006
    kimber3006 Member Posts: 586
    edited December 2010

    Thanks all!  You guys are the best.  I instantly practically yelled "I hate it!" when my onc was talking about leaving the port in, and he immediately said, "or we can take it out".  :)  It was never a question in my mind.  My thinking has always been that if I need a port again, the least of my problems is getting the thing put back in.  I'm actually scheduled for a prophylactic mx on the other side with reconstruction in March, so I figured they can just pop it out while they're in there.  I was still feeling pretty down this morning, but eventually the fog lifted and I had a pretty good day.  No results on the mammo yet, as they needed my results from my first one last year and that was done at another center.  She told me it could be a couple of weeks waiting on the records so I ran over there today with my copy on disc for them - no sense dragging this thing on, right? 

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  • AnacortesGirl
    AnacortesGirl Member Posts: 1,758
    edited December 2010

    Kimber -

    I'm just catching up today on the boards and I'm so glad you're feeling better!  Anxiety attacks are awful.  They make me feel like I'm just a weak person.  But I have my ativan handy and I'm not afraid to use it!

    I so understand running over with your own copy of records!  I've done that myself.  The sooner the wait is over the better.  As for ports, I was just looking at my naked body yesterday with all the scars and the port that sticks out because of my thin skin.  Right now it feels like a badge of courage for me.  But we put money into the FSA for next year to either cover the cost of a scan or get my port out.  Whichever comes first!

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2010

    Kimber - so sorry you had a bad week.  I think we do get through this by putting the anxiety it causes to the back of our minds and when something like a mammogram, tests and/or a certain smell causes us to go to that deep place we ignore at times.  It is normal, I think we've all been there.  I was also initially told I'd need to leave my port in for one year after treatment, but then the drs reconsidered and took it out 30 days after treatment.  It really helped mentally getting it taken out.  

    (((hugs)))

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  • tiff2008
    tiff2008 Member Posts: 278
    edited December 2010

    I dread going for my annual mammo :(  I don't think it ever gets better.  Tomorrow morning I go for my 3rd since dx of bc...and I just want to get it over with!!  Fortunatley at the place I go you will find out the results before you leave.  I found my bc (lump) 1 month after my mammo, so I guess we're really never in the clear.  I will just pray to God tonight and hope for the best:)

    Good luck to all.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2010

    (((Kimber)))) I have panic attacks too and today I am curled up on the bed just overwhelmed with waaayyyy tooooo much stuuuuffff! The docs want to whack my boobs off and replace both knees which were destroyed by chemo last year!! And I have begun to have blistering headaches so doc wants me in this week-and I am just a year clear of cancer-WAAAA! Biggest Hugs, SV

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  • AsiaYM
    AsiaYM Member Posts: 2,216
    edited December 2010

    Kimber,

    Post away, we are always here to listen. Hugs, A.

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  • Gitane
    Gitane Member Posts: 1,885
    edited December 2010

    Kimber, I'm so glad you shared and everyone jumped in here.  It makes me feel better knowing that the "sneak attacks" of these feelings are happening to everyone.  My PS (routine check up) opened the file with the pictures of my boobs as they were pre-mast.  It was me talking, but I swear it felt like someone else.  I said in this weak, wobbly voice, "That's me!"  Then I felt this sweeping sadness.  Later when I was alone the tears came.  It's been 5 years, and I never once have regretted having bilat. and recon.  I still don't.  I never had any emotions around any of it, then WHAM!  Guess I know I did what was right for me, but that doesn't take away the loss.  Anyway, all this to say, Kimber, that there is no logic, the emotions come when they need to.  I felt better after. I hope you did, too, and that the mammogram shows that all is well.  Hugs. 

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