Getting tired of the arguments on this board!!!!

Your post caught my eye.  I hate it too.  I am not good at confrontation....I will admit that......but I epsecially get upset when it gets mean and personal.

 My question is why do people even fight when they don't really know the person?  I don't get that.  A discussion on a controversial subject is great and enlightening.....but why do people fight with total strangers?   It is true we all have one sad thing in common, but one would think that would bring us together and not pull us apart with a mean word thrown in.  I know that any sort of texting   can be easily misunderstood and I have probably inadvertently been rude to people....but it was not intentional and I now try to be very careful that I phrase things so I do not offend anyone.  Maybe it is just me and I am thin-skinned......but I am really careful now where I tread so I do not get sucked into it. But, Molly, most all threads are  good and absent of fights and the people who post are l kind and caring, so I think you should keep referring people to this board because so much good can be done if you do.  Edited to clean up a million typos.

I must say that coming on here and bagging chemo as being useless is not a nice thing to read (the 'Not buying in to it' thread) especially when a lot of us have faith it will help us. However looking at the friendships I have made in my time here I am so glad I check in everyday. My Nov09 chemo girls and I are like sisters and they have provided me with so much love and support especially at this time when I have had to have more surgery to remove a second primary.

I have also met up in person with a few women who come to this board and here we are in Australia!!! one lived quite close to me and I am soon to meet another. How wonderful is that!!!

Sue

Molly -- you contradict yourself.  Here's a snippet (in italics) of what you posted on Pompeed's thread that had some heated debate:

...no one else here should feel like they need to "take back" or apologize for anything they've said to Pompeed.  We can't have it both ways people. 

Either everyone can freely post what they want and not worry about repercussions, or we sugar coat everything and endlessly worry how we are being perceived.

Which is it?  If Pompeed can say what she feels here, then so can everyone else.  No apologies needed.  Period.

You are greatly exaggerating that at least half of the threads have an argument at some point.  Gee, conflicting opinions can't be expressed?

I'm "confused and discouraged" by your posts.

Why do we argue?  Because we are alive!

Oooops, I did not realize there was a history here,  Forgive me for posting on a subject I know nothing about! I do repeat though that this Discussion Board is invaluable and most every one is helpful and good at heart. I would refer (and I have referred) men and women to this board when facing BC....without reservation.

It's like watching TV. Turn the channel if you don't like what you see. On the discussion boards, avoid the threads that you perceive to be unsuitable for you.

If I refer someone to this board, I try to let them know about the threads that would be most useful to them. Something that is relatable to them as a newbie, like going to the stage that is the same as their's. Joining a chemo or rads group that starts at the same time as their treatment or checking the surgery thread if that's what they are facing.

I am not offended or emabrrassed by this site. In fact , it has been a tremendous wealth of information and friendship building. It is also a safe place to discuss, vent and lay it all out there. No question is stupid and we get to talk about things that would be a little embarrassing to ask anyone else. The BC sisterhood is unlike any other that I know of. Some threads may not be directly related to BC but they are a great place to get away from all things BC.  

Molly: I hope you stay connected to the  threads you enjoy and that are interesting to you. Please reconsider and don't paint the whole board with one brush.

Regards,

Beth P

It's life.  It's gong to happen, any place, any time.  We have raw emotions being spoken here on this board - good and bad.  If something offends or upsets you, pass on it.  Don't read it.  I was on Pompeed's thread early on.  While I don't agree with her, I do agree that she has the right to voice her feelings, whether they be different than mine or not.  I saw that it was beginning to "heat up," and decided I didn't want to post any longer on it.  In all of life, one must choose their battles wisely and not waste precious time on things they find upsetting. 

Linda

Why do we argue?  Because we are alive!

And, thank God for that!  Good answer, Blue.

I avoid threads I have no interest.  Right now my interest is mostly politics...sure takes the ole mind of BC!

Suepen wrote:

"I must say that coming on here and bagging chemo as being useless is not a nice thing to read (the 'Not buying in to it' thread) especially when a lot of us have faith it will help us."

    That's a reference to me.  So I'm going to ask: exactly what seems to be the problem?  If you and others have faith that chemo is a suitable treatment for your personal circumstances, and you are convinced that it will help you in those circumstances and prolong your life and prove valuable in your treatment regimen, no one is stopping you from undertaking that therapy.  And  nothing anyone else says about that therapy, as it applies to themselves and only to themselves, should bother others who hold a differing opinion of its value for their circumstances in the least.

    Chemo is useless to me and useless for me.  Which is the point I have repeatedly made elsewhere.  That I have no use for it doesn't mean is it not a useful therapy for women whose disease circumstances are different from mine.  I don't know why that concept -- that chemo is of no value to me -- is taken by some to be a personal insult and the distinction between a therapy which may be good for one patient yet inappropriate and dangerous for another is so difficult to understand.   That I have no intention of taking chemo or radiation says nothing about anyone else's choices for themselves.  It only speaks to my choices for myself.  I don't understand how saying that is a personal insult to anyone else.

    It should be possible to voice one's own opinion and for others to voice theirs without rancour.  But that's only true if people stick to the concerns raised on the issues rather than indulge in personal attacks. 

Suepen,

I think all women (or most women) on this forum know what side effects these treatments have. If not I believe they need to know about them.

Suepen,

I'd like to take issue with you regarding the effect of one's statements on women who may be scared and vulnerable It concerns me because if taken to an extreme it cuts off dialogue and introspection - the last thing we need to lose on top of our good health. This is an adult forum. We have no obligation to "perform" if you will. We can only be compassionate, tolerant and understanding of an individual's situation, but we should never make assumptions based on fear. Scared and vulnerable women cannot be used as the litmus test for our ruminations. We cannot play to the lowest common denominator. And in making these statements, I use affirmations, but they are really pleas.

Just as chemo may cure some, it does indeed have permanent side effects for some and does kill some. Those are factual statements. Overall survival effect on BC: Zero (statistically speaking - but it could cure you or me.). Also factual. To deny these truths does do a disservice to self and others and it would be medically irresponsible for an onc not to answer such queries honestly. The chances of permanent side effects happening to you or me: 50-50 (meaning, our docs haven't a clue). Yes, uncertainty is unsettling and it can be scary, but, sadly, that's bc in the pre-cure era, as you and I are experiencing it.

And that's assuming that all things are equal. It assumes a certain worldview and a lack of major comorbidities, some of which could lead to one's death if chemo is tried.

Did you know that the chemo-boosting, polluter-funded  American Cancer Society advises chemo patients to flush the toilet TWICE when they urinate because of the danger to others? Poison is "doable" as so many love to say, but it can still kill.

To you and those who supported you throughout the chemotherapy, Godspeed. I am glad that you got through it with no permanent side effects and if you feel good about your treatment I am one of those who believes your body is telling you something positive about its overall functioning, and your health outlook is good. 

But I wonder if people who take criticism of chemo personally are projecting their own insecurities and want the dialogue to stop so that we will all pretend that there is a cure? It won't work in a public forum full of curious minds and a world with a dearth of scientific answers.

BC is a complex issue and nursery lullaby-level certainty just doesn't exist.

Disclaimer: I am referring to chemo as it pertains to early-stage BC - NOT mets. That is a different set of variables entirely.

If the highest concern is that "such a statement [from a lay person on an Internet bulletin board] may scare someone (who is more vulnerable) away from possibly life saving treatment" then the physician who is treating that someone isn't doing his/her job. 

Which is two fold: suggesting and clarifying what the MD thinks will be beneficial treatment and therapy for the individual coupled with at least an equally heavy dose of reality as to the serious side effects and possible dangers of the therapy and the statistics which go along with both the benefits and the dangers of each.  That infomation of both the "good" and the "bad" is the basis of informed consent.

And if that's the standard to be upheld here -- that nothing negative can be said about medical therapies lest someone get scared off -- then everyone who has breast cancer on this site best be quiet and say nothing at all for fear of being a "bad" influence on a total stranger.  In my opinion, that's nonsense because it assumes an arrogant vision: others are inferior and are not as able to care for themselves and thus need to be protected from themselves by those who consider themselves superior.  If this Board is in the business of stifiling dialogue, it may just as well not exist.

Like it or not: there are serious and permanent side effects to therapies for the treatment of cancer.  That's not my opinion.  It's scientific fact.  And people need to look at those potential dangers with eyes wide open.  If these side effects were not common, there wouldn't be piles of notes on this Board going into them in detail by the very people who are afflicted with them.   

I visited my grandmother every day at dinnertime when she was in the hospital. The nurse would bring her Coumadin (blood thinner) and every day my grandmother would hold up the pill like she was making a toast and say "rat poison!" before she took it. I thought this was amusing but in actual fact it is rat poison. Just thought I'd share that because this discussion reminded me of her.

We aren't responsible for other women being offended or frightened of what is said here. I have to agree that this site would be worthless to me if only happy, shiny, positive things may be posted.

Iago, Google is not the database for the scientific studies.

I think these arguments get started when people don't want to hear facts that differ from their own impressions.