Should I do Christmas at home or not?

kirismum · December 2010

Sometimes I feel like a bit of a fraud posting here, as it's my daughter, not myself, who is suffering from breast cancer. But I have gotten so much support and love from you people, I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds here posting once again. I can't begin to imagine what it's like to have the cancer growing inside you; it is horrible enough to be watching and waiting from the sidelines. You all have my undying compassion and awe.

This year we are going to my daughter's town for Christmas (Boston) as it's difficult for her to travel. Every year up to now it has been the four of us together, me, my husband, my son and daughter, sometimes with family members and friends. This year we will be with her, thank God, but not at home (we only left home once for Christmas, five years ago, when my Dad was failing, and we all went up to Canada together to be with the family there--and had a great time ).

Like every family, we have little rituals that surround Christmas - the tree, the special decorations, the tablecloth, the lights, church on Christmas Eve, traditional shared goodies with neighbors. This year everything is so bittersweet I don't know how much I can handle. This morning I opened the storage area in our attic where I keep the Christmas decorations, and I felt as if a knife went through my chest. I started to cry and had to close the door.

We will be spending Christmas day at my brother and sister-in-law's, and they have been enormously loving and supportive. Then Christmas night we will go for dinner at my daughter's boyfriend's family's house--also people we love and enjoy being with.

So I don't know what to do at home. I pretty much decided we wouldn't get a tree, as we will be away for a week at Christmas, but I'm worried that even the look of the decorations--which Kiri always helped me with--will just make me more depressed. OTOH, I don't want to deprive my son and husband of the comfort of our regular rituals. My feeling is that I'll ask how they feel and then follow their wishes if they override my own. I wish I could snap out of this malaise--I worry all the time about her, even though she is handling everything spectacularly and with grace. I have a history of clinical depression that has never responded well to meds and this is really triggering it. Any helpful hints on how to manage this would be gratefully received.

Again, I think you girls are amazing for your strength and generosity of spirit. My hat is off to you.

BarbaraA · December 2010

Awww, (((HUGS)))) for you. This is really very hard for you, as you would rather be the one with cancer and not your darling Kiri. I really think you would find comfort in your Christmas rituals as would your son and husband. Yes, you may get teary from time to time but I think all in all, it would help you. JMO.

KELL414240 · December 2010

KirisMum,

I think the more you can do to make everything normal for Kiri, the better it will be for all. I know it was so hard for my family last year as I received my diagnosis Dec 18th. No one really knew the extent of my cancer and whether I would be here this year or not. I can only tell you from my experience that it was better for me to keep it all normal or as normal as it is for my family:) I pray for you that you have the strength to do this as no one can imagine a Mother's hurt to know their child is sick and not be able to fix it. I thank God every day that I am sick and my daughter is not.

Kelly

septembersong · December 2010

I think at some point there's a good chance Kiri will ask about what's happening at home for the holidays (even though you'll be visiting with her for the holiday itself). I imagine she'd be surprised and maybe distressed to hear that you'd found it too hard to celebrate at all because of her situation. That's one of the reasons rituals are so important: no matter what's going on in our lives, some things never change, and in your family it sounds like celebrating Chirstmas at home is one of them.

Of course, if your own health is at risk here, do what you need to do to stay on an even keel. I'm sure your husband and son will understand and take their cue from you.

This is still very new, and she is stil at the beginning of a long course of treatment. Treat yourself gently so that you can be there for her, who needs you regardless of how dazzlingly well she's holding up right now.

1Athena1 · December 2010

KirisMom, post as often as you like. And frankly I do NOT envy my own mother. I prefer being the one with cancer than to have a daughter be afflicted and feel utterly helpless. At least I feel more in control. So there is nothing to say that it can't be worse for family at times. Therefore, no guilt is called for.

If you have a history of clinical depression, then you, too, have a potentially fatal disorder; your daughter ins't the only one. I cannot advise you on Christmas plans. I only hope you are able to get some help with the holiday blues. I hope you have a doctor that is treating this.

Hugs and best wishes....

Bren-2007 · December 2010

I think you will find comfort setting out your Christmas decorations .. and your son and husband will too. It may even help you to work through some of the sadness you have with Kiri's illness right now. I'm sure she'd like to see everything up and normal this year, since her year has been turned inside out.

Sending you a big Christmas hug,

Bren

melody2 · December 2010

I am so sorry for the dilemma you are facing. I think that your SHOULD put up the tree, etc. There will be tears, but take comfort in all of the happy memories you had when your children were younger.

Take care of yourself

gentianviolet · December 2010

I would assume that you already have a "gut feeling" on what would be appropriate for you to do. All the times I have wondered what would be right for me, I have chosen what my gut told me to do. It has not failed me yet. If clinical depression is involved then you probably have already decided what would be best for you............I would go that direction. You need to be on an even keel mentally for Kiri.

I am sorry you have to go through this; I am so grateful it is not my children that have cancer. I will keep you and Kiri in my thoughts.

changes · December 2010

Kirismom,

I don't know what you should do about Christmas, but I suspect you'll make a good decision, whatever you decide. Feel free to post here all you want - I think it's wonderful that you're asking questions that will help you help Kiri through this.

Hugs,

Karen

kirismum · December 2010

Thank you all so much. I am trying to think clearly about this and you've all really helped me focus. I talked to my husband at dinner about it and he agrees we should do the decorations, etc, and though it may be initially painful for me, I think it will work out best in the long run. Septembersong, you are so right about the role of rituals in our lives. They kind of carry us through. One thing I will really miss is Christmas Eve service at our church, but we may be able to attend services with my daughter's boyfriend's family.

Tomorrow I'll put the Christmas tablecloth on and the towels out. If I survive that, I can move on to the lights. ;-)

hymil · December 2010

If you do decide to decorate at home, be sure and take photos with you - Kiri can't travel and that probably bugging her too, but you can bring her the joy of seeing how you have it at home with a camera. maybe special treasures she has got for you over the years. Or maybe pictures of the streets around where you live, and whats new or changed since last year, last time she was home, if you decide not to do the house. And for her as well, staying home is a new thing instead of coming to you, so maybe it would be a nice gesture to help build up her pool of seasonal trinkets? Just a few thoughts, most important i think is don't stress it, focus on the peace and goodwill to all, the love at the heart of it.

JanetinVirginia · December 2010

Hymil - what a wonderful idea to take the pics.

Kirimom - does your daughter plan to have a little tree at her place? I'll bet she would love a few of her favorite ornaments from home. You might even surprise her with a small tree already decorated with them. That may be one way to take "home" to her.

annamari · December 2010

I was diagnosed on Dec 18, 2008 I had Christmas Eve with my children as we have done for years. I am happy they did not act as though I was already in the grave. It's a special time of the year to reflect on Christs coming and that He will return as he said. It is still a special time for me and would miss not having family together. This year we will go to one of the kids. I don't think your daughter would want the family to go without celebrating.

kirismum · December 2010

Janet, that is a FABULOUS idea - we have one ornament, a little mouse in a bed, that is is always Kiri's special place to put on the tree last. I will bring him and some other of the old family ornaments up with me, and see if they can get a little tree--maybe even a live one to plant at their new house. Thank you. :-))

Erin23 · December 2010

i know id want my mom not to suffer because of me. im only 17 but i know im grateful i have to do chemo and my mom doesnt. id do anything not to make my mom cry, and im sure your daughtor does to. i want christmas to be normal this year, not bitter because of what happened this year. anyways i hope this helps... i know ive never been a mother but maybe ican relate to what your daughtors feeling. praying for you Kiras Mom!!!

KELL414240 · December 2010

What wonderful ideas you all have!!!!

I, too, can't imagine being the "Mom". God Bless You and your family this season.

Cancer just stinks for us and all of our family and friends. It seems especially hard at this time of year. I guess it's just the sentimental time. I pray for all of us that this season brings us peace and comfort and that we feel the love of Christ.

sadmom · December 2010

Hi KirisMum, I totally understand your feelings about this holiday season as I was where you are now a year ago. My daughter was able to come home for Christmas last year and we celebrated at my sister's and had a wonderful time! But I had a hard time leading up to the holiday trying to feel the joy of the season but falling short. Luckily our first grandchild was born in late November and that gave our family much to celebrate.

This will be a "different" Christmas for you, but may turn out to be just as special as the ones you have celebrated in the past. Sounds like you have a lot of fun things planned, and the important thing is that you will be together.

I was putting up the Christmas tree last night, which I debated on whether to do or not since we will not be spending Christmas at home this year but at my son's. While I was decorating it I had Christmas music on and had such a feeling of peace! Remembering what it was like last year and celebrating how far we have come as a family, how close we have become and also celebrating that my daughter is feeling well and doing great! I'm also always a little sad as I decorate the tree by myself each year now (my husband helps put it in the stand, then goes back to TV), remembering when the kids were still at home and we had such a good time doing it together! Sometimes I just long for them to be small again (just for a day)!

Things will get better! I am always fearful now of recurrence (she sees her onc on Monday for a checkup) but I have to try to tamp that down, trust in God to take care of her, and try to enjoy each day. An onging struggle but I'm working on it!

Should I do Christmas at home or not?

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