5 Stages of Grief and Breast Cancer

Anonymous · November 2010

Denial - Shock and numbness, this can't be happening, caught up in a wave, disconnected from feelings.

Bargaining - The could have, should have, would have stage. The thought of, "if only I did this or didn''t do that.

Anger - At the cancer, circumstances, medical and health care professionals, treatment, well meaning family members or friends.

Depression - Overwhelming sadness and dispair and feelings of loss of previous way of life before cancer, and fear of a recurrence of the disease.

Acceptance - Living in the "new present" with the realities and resignation of the diagnosis and treatment. Learning to enjoy life again and looking forward rather than focusing on the past.

I wanted to share this with everyone. I've learned that we can go back and forth between the different stages of grief.

Barb

karen1956 · November 2010

Barb....thanks for posting....yup....we definitely go back and forth between the stages....at least I know that I do....especially between anger, depression and acceptance.....I don't think I've totally ever accepted the "new" me....or should I say the chnages in me that aren't so great!!! I miss the me who I used to be, who functioned so much better than I do now....I do live life, just not as well as before BC....by that I mean the things that I can no longer do.....

Anonymous · November 2010

Karen, I know what you mean. Myself, I can be really focused on doing everything I can to prevent recurrence, by eating right and working out, going for my treatment, and followups, but then, the depression can come in so quickly, when I realize I don't have the edge on life that I used to have. Or I will give into the fear sometimes of just being stage 3 and worrying about 5 years and then what do I expect? However, today was a good day. I hung some Christmas lights outside and went for a walk with the dog. So I guess today was an acceptance day, at least until I started with the back pain.

Barb

amlg1 · December 2010

Oh Barb,that is exactly what I went through.I definitly am at the resigning stage.I feel much more at peace for some reason.I almost never cry about it anymore,which I never thought would happen.I am at a good place now.(not to say that may change).

mrsnjband · December 2010

I think I oscilate between anger & acceptance depending on the day. But I have definitely been through every stage. Thanks for posting. NJ

Titan · December 2010

DI don't think I did the bargaining or anger stage..must have skipped right through that...definitely denial...sadness/depression..and now acceptance..ok..maybe a little anger...I get angry having to go back for follow ups...almost feel bad for my onc...I just want OUT OF THERE as soon as I walk in.

Anonymous · December 2010

I did go thru the bargaining stage. It was brief, but there were so many "what if's" and I should have, done this, or not done that, and maybe the cancer would not have grown," I finally realized I hated hearing other people saying it to me, that there was nothing I could or should have done because it was like "blaming the victim"......me. In the acceptance faze which I am now, I feel I did everything I could have to prevent breast cancer, which showed up anyway and not on a yearly mammo. Part of that bargaining stage is "why if I ate soooooo many blueberries and fruits and veggies, why wasn't I protected"?????

Barb

karen1956 · December 2010

the other day we were having a conversation about bc and my 12 year old daughter who was turning 8 when I was Dx said...you did everything right and still got BC!!! We then got into a discussion about how its just preventative and we do things to keep our selves safe like wearing seat belts or bike helmets etc....no guarantees....but HECK....I still get angry when I think about having done it "all right" and still getting BC....and then there are times that I wonder when I am going to wake up from this nightmare.....I slowly move on... but when I don't feel good or have a 3 month onc visit, its sliding back through the stages...so I guess that will be a forever thing, just like seeing my onc!!!!

Laurie08 · December 2010

I read this and smiled. I've had acceptance and anger- I fight the grief I lost my Mom to BC 5 years ago. I miss her, being diagnosed with a 4 month old and a 2 1/2 year old, The whole thing sucked, but I was fine! Until 3 months after my BMX, I was having a lot of anger issues, I was talking with a girlfriend and started to cry, I never cry, it's too hard to stop once I start. And I actually said- I'de rather be angry- and reached out and found that anger again and stopped crying. Anger I can control, sadness I can not

Anonymous · December 2010

Grieving - and the other stages that go with it. I feel like I'm still fluctuating from it and going back and forth between the stages. Grieving the breast cancer and the treatments and SE and body changes has been brutal enough this year. It was a major thing that changed me as a person and I think much of the Anger and Depression were from the cancer but also from a very very extremely devastating traumatic situation me and my DH had to endure together this year. I still find it so hard to talk about and so I held it in all this time, but this situation in our life has greatly increased the suffering from the BC. Even now talking about it with you sisters, makes me just so upset inside, where it feels like almost a panicy feeling.

Barb

sammolisa · December 2010

Shanagirl, I feel for you. I have always wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember -I am 48 right now and after going through 2 husbands and never getting pregnant - not even one positive pregnancy test ever and I never used BC. In the spring of this year I found myself pregnant at 48 with the love of my life. I was absolutley elated for 11 weeks. We miscarried at the end of May. We named the baby Kayin which means "long awaited one". By the end of June I had married the man of my dreams but at that time felt a lump in my breast that turned out to be the cancer we are fighting right now. The cancer is ER/PR + and the pregnancy gave it all the stuff it could have ever wanted and when I lost the baby.... the cancer had a bit of a temper tantrum so to speak and its why I noticed the pain and looked for the lump. In hindsight, the baby gave his life to save mine. Who knows how far along the cancer may have been by the time the baby had been born, or after I breastfed him with a cancerous breast I knew nothing about. He was due on December 15th. I will remember him always. It was devastating losing him after wanting a baby for so long and having him come so naturally. Saw his hearbeat and everything. I will never forget what Jesus did for me and the sacrifice of Kayin. I still cry for him, for the breast cancer, for the lost time, for the belly that isn't there.

Anonymous · December 2010

Sammolisa, I am so sorry for the loss you went thru. Kayin is a beautiful name. Miscarriage is such an upsetting loss to endure. I've had two in my younger years, and remember how devastated I was. I suffered a horrific loss this year also tho not miscarriage. Breast cancer is horrific enough but to go thru other traumas during this disease is a very difficult thing. Sometimes I wonder if my breast cancer was helped along a little bit from everything else going on in my life at the time I was diagnosed. I'll never know.

Barb

D4Hope · December 2010

We can do everything right but there are still external triggers we can not control. Pestiside use on lawns and in our food. I drank alot of milk because I thought it was good for me, little did I know about the hormones that are injected into dairy products, meats ect. Pollution in the from factories and cars and every day products we use.

I changed my diet some what and only drink milk that is hormone free. I just feel that those of us who did get the cancer didn't do anything wrong, our bodies just turned on us.

I hope I made sense.

Anonymous · December 2010

D4Hope, those of us who got cancer may naturally have wondered, what did I do or didn;t do. I think that's part of the "bargaining" stage of the could have should would have stage of grief. But in reality we all know we didn't do anything to cause our cancer. Tho now that you mention it I always enjoyed a glass of milk every night at bed time, and still do, and I am hopelessly addicted to parmegianno reggiano cheese, but even after bc I don;t want to give up something that pleasantly adds to my quality of life, however, there's always a little voice that bugs me in the back of my mind when I enjoy that cheese or glass of milk

Barb

Letlet · December 2010

There are days when I am angry at myself. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. After my son was born, I went to my 6 week check up at my gynecologist and THAT WAS IT. For two years I made sure my kids saw their pediatrician, for check ups, tests, for their vaccinations, for sniffles that may need antibiotics. Heck I was on my husband's case. For TWO years I did not see a doctor. By the time I felt something in my breast, my BS said that the calcifications (no lump) were so widespread and all the way behind my nipple that a mastectomy was the only option. I try not to think about it but sometimes I can't help it. If only it was caught sooner, maybe it would have been smaller, maybe I wouldn't have needed a mastectomy. If only it was caught sooner, maybe no nodes would have been positive and I wouldn't need radiation.

D4Hope · December 2010

Letlet I too did not look after my own needs. I skipped a mammo and I had biopsies before for calcifications. I almost skipped the mammo that found my cancer but something inside my head told me I needed to get the mammo. I had not even felt a lump but the cancer was there and growing for a few years at least.

Anonymous · December 2010

Letlet and D4Hope, don't give in to guilting yourselves about your bc. I and so many other women here faithfully went for our yearly mammos that never picked up our cancerous breasts. I found the 5cm lump in my left breast myself 2 months after a 3rd mammo that was watching calcifications in the right breast. I still get angry that they never caught that tumor though all those mammograms.

Barb

kadeeb · December 2010

I see so many posts from BC patients who"did everything right". They ate right, used sunscreen, went to church and brought their husbands a beer. Some had regular mamo's, some skipped one or waited a few extra months. We all still got the big one. One of the things that might help all of us is to stop believing that this is because of something we did or did not do. Cancer is not my fault nor is it yours. The stages mentioned in the initial post are all very real but "guilt" should not be one of them. "Acceptance" is my current state but mine is somewhat modified. I accept that cancer will always be a concern in my life but I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and cancer would no longer have any consequence. I cannot devote any time to the what if's. It has to be right now. No one is promised tomorrow, and we have had that pointed out to us in "spades". I may sound selfish but from here on out, I have to do the things I always meant to do. I have to tell others how important they are to me and say "I love you" whenever the urge strikes. I suffer fools with much less patience, and often say what I think. It doesn't take me anywhere near as long to make a decision. I only have one criteria. Is it important or does someone else just think it is. I don't get angry at co-workers, friends or loved ones. They have the right to do and say as they wish. I won't waste valuable time trying to fix others. I have enough to work on at "home".

Let's all be easier on ourselves. We deserve a break!

5 Stages of Grief and Breast Cancer

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