Being a burden to others

This is something I'm really struggling with right now. Give me a minute to explain some background so you might understand where I'm coming from. I feel really alone in this battle and its hard to keep myself from giving in and quitting treatment. I needed somewhere to unload and put a voice to this. If even one person can relate, it will make my time spent typing this out worth it. I apologize for the length.

Although I am married, I raise our 2 children (ages 7 & 5) practically on my own as their father is an over the road trucker and barely home. So when I found out I was going to have to go through chemotherapy, I knew I'd have to have some help. Neither my husband nor I have any blood family nearby who are willing to lend a hand. Luckily, I have a wonderful, supportive church family and more than a few friends I love like family that were willing to do what they could. Let me preface the following by saying I have an extremely difficult time asking anyone for help (for anything). I've had to learn to be very independent over the years because of spending so much time alone. While not a bad thing, it doesn't make it very easy for me to accept help even when offered.

So I began chemotherapy with my 1st treatment on October 19th. My best friend of 16 years came and picked me up, sat with me through it, and brought me home afterwards. Although I went to sleep when we came home, she stayed and watched over me. She also did laundry, cleaned a little here and there, picked the kids up from school (all pre-arranged ahead of time just in case), helped them with their homework. She ended up staying until about 5pm that day. I was so grateful to know that my kids were in capable hands while I was out of it. She has such a compassionate and generous heart....she did all of those things without asking and no hesitation. She knows if it were her going through BC, I would be doing the same things for her. Aside from all she did for me, I also received many phone calls, emails, facebook messages---encouragement, love and support pouring from everyone who cares about me. On the 2 days following that day, my BF came back to my home every day to help out in the same way she'd done that first day. By the 4th day after treatment, I was feeling more human and life resumed normalcy for both of us. I only receive treatment once every three weeks, so there is a 2 week lapse where I really have no side effects aside from fatigue.

So time for the 2nd treatment, this past tuesday, November 9. Once again, my BF came and helped like before on treatment day and the 2 days following. The only difference this time was the others who had been calling/emailing/etc seemed to really drop off. All of a sudden, it seemed like people were tiring of hearing about what I'm going through. The one relationship that I care more about than most is my BF...and I've gotten a few odd comments from her that may not seem like much to anyone else, but when you take into consideration the context in which she said it, seems like she too may be feeling overwhelmed and regretting doing so much for me. To give an example, her facebook status on friday, which was the last day she came to the house to help was this: "I wish I had about 2 weeks by myself with no place to go so I could catch up on all the many things that I need to do in the house." Now I may be reading too much into this, but that seems to be generally pointed in my direction. Like she feels she's been doing so much for me, that she hasn't had the time to do things in her own home. She has a family with 2 kids a little older than mine. But her mom (who has gone through BC treatment) and her husband both understand and have stepped up considerably on their end to make it possible for her to help me.

Needless to say, I am beginning to feel as if I truly have become the burden to others, especially her, that I so did not want to become. I don't believe she feels like I'm taking advantage of her, as she offered to do everything she has done. I just feel like the 'newness' of my journey through BC has worn off and everyone has gone back to their lives. Those who offered help in the beginning I haven't heard from in weeks. My BF is practically the only one doing anything and like I said, I feel like its become too much for her but she doesn't know what else to do except keep moving forward. I know that no matter what she'll be there to support and encourage me. I have no doubt of her compassion and without needing to has proved many, many times how much she loves and cares for me.

I just hate the feeling I have about all of this right now.  I just completed treatment 2 and I have 4 left to go. I know I cannot do this alone, but feeling like a burden to others is not enabling me to fight with everything I can to win when all I do is worry about ruining my relationships along the way. It sucks being immunosuppressed with the kids bringing home germs from school constantly. And I don't want to go the rest of the way worrying about being that burden it seems so obvious that I've become.

So I'm at the point of seriously considering discontinuing treatment. The benefits just don't seem to outweigh the risk of further alienating the people I love. Anyone else ever felt like this?

Any of this sounding familiar to anyone? Can I seriously the only one who has ever felt like a burden? I am fighting BC and I realize that life goes on for everyone around me. I feel like I am and will be stuck in this same spot forever, although I realize that's just the it feels right now. Why does it have to be so hard? I will say this...cancer sure sucks!

Thanks for listening. **(