Depressed? Crazy? Or just Lazy?

I am having a small bout of seasonal adaptation disorder....I love the fall but it means that summer is over and I go to work, come home and flop...it is dark when I get up and there is not much light left at the end of the day...for me, I already know I am crazy, its also some of lazy and the depression always sneaks in a bit...I have mets and its different....

Back in the day, after chemo - it did take about a year post chemo until I had my full 'gumption' back (love your mom for that word)  Hang in there, it comes back and then you cannot move fast enough!  Enjoy the flopping while you can, the flipping is coming!

I am depressed, lazy, and crazy so I guess I am normal.  Seriously, the depression hits me and I will be in bed all day long and force myself to get out of bed.  I have projects that need to be done at home and I can't get myself motivated to work on them.  I feel lucky if I get food on the table every night for dinner, laundry, ironing, and housecleaning done, bills paid on time, etc.

I was so full of energy before BC but the treatments took all of that away and instead I feel like a 80 year old woman in a 50 year old body.  I gained 30 lbs during chemo and that I know is one reason for my depression.  I felt good for 4 months and had a nasty horse accident 5 months ago and haven't felt good for one day since, I am in chronic pain 24/7.  If that doesn't make you depressed, I don't know what will.  

I ended up in a psychiatrict hospital for 5 days - I checked myself in because I was so overwelmed with the pain and stressors at home that I had a mental breakdown and needed to decompress.

I am in weekly therapy.  My therapist does not think I have PTSD though I do exhibit many of the symptoms - just not all of them.

I get where you are coming from - I understand your feelings.  Right now I should be doing some interior painting but I don't have the energy or motivation to do so.  Instead I am here at BCO where I find comfort.

Accomplishing the smallest of things oft times gives the biggest rewards!  Yes, I DID something today...reward yourself! 

Today I finally got to the post office with a letter I have been trying to get mailed for 2 months - only I forgot to put the letter in the envelope...thankfully, I noticed it was a bit on the light side before I put it in the 'outgoing' box so, it will be done tomorrow and that is ok!

Hi deprazy,  you're not alone! And thank you for posting because now I know I'm not alone either    On the way home from work I think of all the things I'm gonna do, but once home I plop on the couch and quickly loose steam.  Usually I catnap for 1/2 hour or so and still sleep solid through the night.  I blame the meds.  I was on Zoloft for years but switched to Effexor in June. Started Tamoxifen in July. I think it took a couple months to build up in my system and one of those new meds or the combo of them is zapping my gusto.   I used to be a night owl and would spend hours lost in arts/crafts/computer work....now I'm a couch potato and a magazine article can't hold my attention.    If the meds are causing this blah-tiredness, is there going to be another pill to offset that? Wonder what side effects that'll cause.     

We all know what you have been through.  I know that I feel the same as you.  Totally overwhelmed.  I keep the clothes clean, dishes clean and food in the house and I feel like that's about all I can do.  I might get a little burst of energy once in a while and wipe dust off the tables or mop the floor.  But, like you, most of the time I lay in bed, unable to sleep, just thinking of all the things that need to be done.  And worrying about when this monster might come back.  It is enough to drive ya crazy!!   We have all been affected by a terrible disease that is mysterious for each one of us.  Some women will have it once and never have it again.  Right there is a major accomplishment, and they should be sooo proud to be survivors!  Some of us are unfortunate to get it a second time - that just blew my mind.  I thought I had beat it.  I didn't ever think it would be back for another year of tests, surgeries, chemo, rads, etc etc.  My best advice is don't push yourself, do what you want, try not to worry about things, try and relax and be happy because you are here.  Lots of love, Nancy

I so agree with you, chrissyb, but I am not sure you hav been in this bad situation, if you have I totally respect your courage abd strength. I do not drink daily I am a binge drinker, and yes I totally admitt it to everyone!!! But my state of mind I really do not care!!! The only thing that makes my pain go away for the few hours is alchol, right or wrong, which I agree is wrong!!! I am seeking the help, but right now I am just trying to survive!!!

Hugs,

B                   

B,

I'm right there with you. Not binge drinking, but drinking too much in general. My son points out that alcohol is a depressant, and intellectually I know I should cut back for many reasons but it's the only thing that takes the "edge" off my bitchy moods. Until I have too much and then it heightens the bitch in me. I think I'm suffering from true clinical depression and anxiety.Or PTSD, I'm not sure.My bc really was minor (if there is such a thing) when compared to what so many other women go through that I never felt like I had room to complain. I don't know if it was the cancer, the sudden menopause,my dh's almost infidelity or his losing his job (he found new employment relatively quickly) that has me in a tailspin. the fact that it's October and I'm being bombarded with rah-rah Breast Cancer Month  overload doesn't help.I'm hoping my oncologist can prescribe something when I see her next because this mental state makes chemo look like a day at Disneyland.Here's hoping there's serenity in the future for all of us!

What a relief to find all of you! I know how you feel. I finished TC chemo 7 weeks ago. All I could think of when going through the surgery and chemo is how great it would feel to be finished and "back to normal". It has been a major disappointment that I don't feel normal at all. I used to be full of energy and now cooking a simple dinner for company exhausts me. My friends and family say I should be getting back to yoga and the gym, but my hip hurts and I feel 90 years old. It's all I can do to take my dog for a long walk, and I am limping by the end of it. I hate to talk about this to anyone because it sounds like a "poor me" speech, I wouldn't want to listen to myself complain. Thank you for reading my rant!

I am changing jobs in a few weeks and will have a months break in between. I hope to use that to get myself together. All through chemo I was managing 8 sales people and traveling through 20 states to work with them, I simple can't do it anymore.

I am so over the depression! I am two years out from chemo and am now realizing that tamox causes depression too. I am working with a chinese doc in integrative oncology to help. He said my blood is literally not circulating well (explains only one day a month periods) and since I am stangant inside, I feel stangant outside. I don't feel its chemical or situational depression. It's literally physical. It's so strange and I am so annoyed by it. I look around my house and its dissaray. It makes it worse to have shorter days too. I am on effexor and I feel like its doing nothing. I am 34 and feel 84 inside. I thought I'd have my life back by now but every day is a struggle. I was on lupron for two years and that was "medical insanity" for sure. Absolutely crazy making. I can't believe I managed to stay on it for that long. I am not even close to being the woman I was before this. I had so much vigor and enthusiasm for life. I don't socialize with anyone other than going next door to my neighbors from time to time. I don't explore, I don't take walks on the beach alone. My life feels so very dull and that is so opposite of what its felt like most of my life. It makes me want to go off tamoxifen but then the idea of that terrifies me.

What a relief to hear people having the same problems I had!  I finished chemo in June and started the Tamoxifen in July.  I was already on Lexapro for depression (have been on 10 mg, a fairly low dose, for a few years.)  Well after a few months on the Tamoxifen I was getting so depressed I doubled the Lexapro dose.  Depression was getting worse.   I was crying every day and started having suicidal thoughts.  In addition, I felt like an old person (I'm 38 and usually very active), I was gaining weight despite watching my diet, was completely unmotivated, tried to avoid doing anything with friends, and just felt very dull and blah overall.  It was getting so bad, I finally had a "revelation" and decided it must be the Tamoxifen.  So I stopped taking it.  I was only on it for about 5 months.  My onc is backed up for appointments and the soonest I can see her is January.  I'm going to see my regular doc for a physical in a week, and the breast surgeon for a mammo and recheck that same day so I will tell them about it.  I just couldn't take feeling that way any more.  I actually already had the bloodwork for my physical last month and my Vitamin D levels are normal, normal thyroid, etc.

Since stopping it, I am starting to feel more "normal" than I've felt since January. (pre-sx)  Multiple people have commented that I look better, sound better, seem better, and they have no idea about the medications. 

I am hoping that by having a mastectomy and chemo I have very low chance for recurrance, despite not taking the Tamoxifen.  I am anxious to hear what my onc says.  All I know is that I just could not go on living like that, feeling like absolute crap all the time.  Now I'm just hoping that my ovaries start working again; I will then really feel back to normal.

I'm not saying it was the right thing to do.  It was just a personal decision I made.   (I just realized I posted on this thread a month ago.  It was after that that I stopped the Tamox.)

I'm sorry all of us are going through this, but glad that I'm not alone.  I thought I'd feel better emotionally in addition to physically after finishing all my surgeries - I had five (and developed infections after three of them).  I think while we're going through the treatments, it takes all our energy to just get through them.  I was so focused on/consumed by the pain and discomfort for the last seven months, I didn't really have the energy/mental capacity to think about other things.  Now that I'm "done" (I had my bilateral exchange surgery a few weeks ago - of course followed by an infection), I need to focus on getting a new job and moving on with my life.  I still don't feel 100% and like janey I could easily stay in my PJ's in bed all day.  My sleep schedule is so messed up too - I stay up late (I'm writing this at 3am) and then sleep really late.  Have to get on a more normal schedule.  Here's hoping we all feel better soon.

Sign me up to the club!  Two years after lumpectomy, chemo and rads, on tamoxifen, in menopause, on Lexapro, drinking too much, tired all the time ... Thank goodness I'm going to Weight Watchers or I'd be gaining weight, too.  Seeing a shrink.  It's PTSD, and many BC survivors have it.