Fallout

I'm approaching the end of active treatment, a mere 14 months after diagnosis.  I should finish herceptin at the end of this month and have my freakishly delayed exchange surgery on the 18th.  My hair has grown back enough so I don't look like it's growing back from cancer  I'm still very fatigued but getting better, and not happy abou the tamoxifen SEs but trying to live with them.

During my treatment, I never felt neglected.  My husband and sons helped a lot.  Friends I didn't know I had supported me.  My sister came from SoCal to visit me during chemo.   My workmates were very supportive.

My brother never called me once but I always knew his limitations.  My mother never also called me but she never has in 30 years.  My dad would call me occasionally and email me too.  My 77 mother was dx'd with breast cancer a year before me and I went to take care of her for a week.  She had a very small cancer and a mastectomy took care of it.  We've never had a close relationship - she is a severe alcoholic and always has been, and she was physically and emotionally abusive when I was young.  However, I did my daughterly duty, more for my father than anything. 

My dad always complains that he doesn't see us enough.  My mother doesn't like her family but he does.  He lives in the mountans and it's not easy to get there in the winter.  i go up yearly in the summer, but my mother doesn't want us to come - it interferes with her drinking.

Anyway, my dad turns 80 this Christmas, and it's hard to get there for the family.  So, we arranged a joint birthday party for my son, who just turned 24, and my dad - a family reunion.  This was to happen on my son's birthday.  We were all going and my dad decided to invite some of his  friends, and we arranged a photographer to take a family photo.  I also arranged a virutal party for the people who couldn't make it - I was going to put videos in YouTube for him.  

I arranged for a dog sitter, my youngest son's friend changed his birthday party so my son could go, I took a day off work, and I mentallly prepared my tamoxifen aching body for the drive.

Well, my mother decided she didn't want to see anybody.  She did her passive/aggressive game and just pretended she couldn't walk for a few days and made my dad carry her around.  (This is her MO)  She woulnd't go to the doctor naturally  - since there was nothing wrong with her but an impending family visit -  but my dad called off the party.  Of course, she recovered right away.

Here's the thing I'm upset about.  My dad decided my sister and husband, her son and his wife could still go visit -  though it was my son's birthday party.  He rejected my family and my son.  And, my sister, needing his approval, went along  although I suggested that we all go or nobody goes and told her I was hurt by it.  Because she flies, she could even have gone on his real birthday. 

My son was also upset that his birthday plans were cancelled and that his grandparents rejected him on that day.

I think if I hadn't had cancer, I would have been relieved.  I don't like to see them. My mother weighs 70 pounds and does nothing but drink all day.  My dad is also an alcoholic but he's cut back because he has to take care of her - she's in end stages.

However, I do have cancer. I feel like if they should have wanted to see anybody, it should have been me.  What kind of parents don't want to see their daughter after she has been through a mastectomy, chemo, a year of herceptin?   It's been a couple of years since I've seen them and with this cancellation, I won't be able to go until next summer.  

But, I'm done with them so I'll never be going back, at least until there is a funeral.  I'm also done with my sister, who has enabled this kind of behavior and wouldn't listen to my feelings about it,

I'm not sure why cancer brought this anger up in me.  I half feel like these people have been poison in my life for 52 years and I need to prioritize and get rid of all cancers, including cancerous people.  However, it's more complicated too.  I even wonder if I got cancer because of the way I was raised.  My mother was abusive and when I'd get upset, she'd calm me down with alcohol - as a young child - like six.  They bought me my first drink in a bar when I was ten.  She smoked (still does) even though my brother had severe asthma - she is inherently selfish.  I grew up with booze and cigarettes as normality and they made fun of anybody who didn't drink.  Now, my dad was a company president so it wasn't like we were poor - so they thought that because they did okay they were okay.    I think when I ended up as a bartender with a drinking problem is when they were the proudest of me.  Now that I am not much of a drinker, (stopped partying when I had my own son 24 years ago) it disturbs them.

Now that I'm beginning to recover, I have time to think about things like this.  Has cancer affected or firmed up any of your relationships in a negative way?   Have you had a similar experience? 

I guess i always knew they were terribly selfish and self-centered people, but the fact that I have cancer and they still don't care still about anybody but themselves really brought it home for me.  Now that I feel well enough to be angry, I'm angry.