Does it ever get better

I sure hope it gets better, but I feel the same way.  How can we go back to "normal" after all this when constant doctor appts. and every twinge reminds us that it could be back.  Where are the people that have gone 20 years without a recurrence?  Everyone seems so happy to go 5 years....I want 20 + years without a recurrence.  I'm heading to my 6th and final chemo on Oct. 25 and still have to go for another year because I'm Her2+ for herceptin.  I'm tired of having to think about it every day and wonder when, if ever, it will not be the #1 thing I think about.  Especially when I have a family to think about too.

Ladies - I am writing to tell you that yes, it does get better. I was dx in 3/09 and finished herceptin on 4/10.   Now I only see the doctor quarterly (which feels like HEAVEN!), am back at the gym working HARD with a trainer to get my body in the absolute best shape possible, taking lots of supplements to keep my body as resistent to recurrance as possible. But on a daily basis - I rarely think about it at all.  If something hurts, I figure it is something I pulled at the gym, NOT cancer.

When you are in the midst of the battle, it is all you see. But time WILL pass, and this WILL gradually recede into the rear view mirror.  It hasn't disappeared for me entirely (yet) but is much much less prevalent in my life than it was during active tx.

I agree with you - I want 20+ years too - but the only way to get there is one year, one month, one day at a time. And I am determined to live each one of those days fully. And you will too - it's just too early on into the battle for you to see it yet.  But you are going to make it.
Stay strong, keep fighting. It is worth it.

Any questions or just want to talk more, feel free to PM me.

In sisterhood & support - 

Amy

Thanks for the encouragement and the knowledge that this won't be the only think I think about every morning I wake up!  I try to be strong but some days....ya just don't have it in ya.....

Thank you so much!!!!!

When one day you realize that you haven't gone on BC.org for a week --- you'll realize you've turned a corner.  Yes, it gets better -- you start obsessing about other things, you get used to having follow-up visits where the results are NED.  I still go to a support group every week because these women are special friends, and we all have that quick flicker of fear when there's a new symptom -- is this a recurrence ??  But there's more to our lives than BC.  so hang in there !

YES...as soon as you are well enough, grab your life back and run! Plan ahead, go back to work, make mistakes...

5years..and 1 month here!

I may think about BC once a day now..only...and anytime I am tired I worry...but there are many great times when I feel just like the same old me.

I look back at my active treatment days as a distant memory...

YES, it gets better.  Check out my stats....they are not great, but I live and love each day more than the previous.  It gets much easier to deal with as you go.  A year ago for me was soooo much harder than today.

Hugs and sorry for the intrusion onto your board!!

Lori

I was a MESs when I was diagnosed. A complete and total mess. I had some very dark thoughts. Here I am a year later in the best shape of my life and really really happy. I decided that ok I go thtis disease but I am going to use it to change my life. I will emerge better, healthier, and living the life I always wanted to live. And that is exactly where I am 1 year later. I feel hopeful, healthy, and go days without fear or even thinking of the disease. You will get there!

Jenny - funny you should say that about noticing other people. I never was like that at all. But a few weeks ago, we went to our weekly tailgate party before our college football game. A number of couples about 10 years younger than me (so they were early 40's) were there. The wives were a little more fashionable, more trendy and just seemed so young, carefree, healthy, happy. It really bothered me in a way that was totally uncharactistic of me. My DH was totally perplexed. But I think it was another stage of grieving - for my lost carefree self. While I am doing very well, I know I will never be that carefree earlier version of myself again. I guess I saw it in them and pined for it a little.

Yes the venting/sharing REALLY helps. Just to be with other women who GET IT is just priceless.

AmyIsStrong: I completely understand your post! I've been there too. I'm so envious of women who can be carefree. I'm tired of worrying, and I know that it's a serious waste of time, but I can't seem to get past it.

Perhaps, with me, it's because I've had BC-related 12 surgeries in 2 years. It seems I'm always in the hospital or doctor's office ... still ... even more than a year after finishing treatment. Plus I'm still dealing with so many side effects from surgery and chemo, and from the Femara. From almost no eyelashes and extremely dry hair/skin to tear ducts that are permanently scarred shut.

Also, the Femara causes anxiety.

I'd like to move on but there are so many daily reminders.  

I think one of the greatest losses is that loss of innocence, of feeling carefree...the loss of that innate feeling of safety and security I once had. That loss alone is a very sad thing. And yes, it makes us envious when we see others who are enjoying that feeling and taking it for granted. Just like I did. Yes - this disease bites the big fat one.

I'm 2-1/2 years from diagnosis, and except for coming to this board to read and post, I don't think about it very much at all. I am even making long-term plans like looking for a house (starting this weekend), and planning a special vacation in a year.

Once you are out of active treatment, it becomes easier. Your dr appts become less frequent with time (I only see my onc every four months, soon to go to every six months) which definitely helps you get back to a normal schedule if you are working. I hate having to use my personal/vacation time for those. 

I am 8 months from my last radiation treatment. I have hair but its different. I am constantly tired and run down.I question every ache aqnd pain. Filled with anger over this whole experience. I went to a support meeting yesterday and they told me this is all normal. It could take a year or more before I start feeling like my old self. I need to cry and grieve to get there. I guess it will come in time. Meantime I see 2 counselors and take antidepressants. I come to these boards more than once a day to visit with my cyber sisters. I get a lot of understanding here.

Oh, just for clarification - having mets - the boobie thing is about the ONLY thing I get to be carefree about - the rest of it sucks the big weenie. 

I sure know what you mean about old people - couples I envy so much...since my SO died, I have been alone - now this lovely crap came back...my biggest fear is that I will end up dying alone.  I am giving the dating a good try and if things go well, perhaps I can set that fear aside.  He knows what is going on with me - I am just not sure he really understands that it will likely kill me.  I could have at least 5 good years left - maybe 10 or more - 20 would likely be pushing it..