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  • NatureGrrl
    NatureGrrl Member Posts: 1,367
    edited October 2010

    Allison, it's all been said, just wanted to let you know there's one more person here on your side. 

    I remember last summer sitting in my office and hearing people in another office laughing... and wondering if I would ever feel like laughing again.

    The answer is yes, as everyone here reminded me.  The joy comes back.  Even in the times when you just can't see things ever getting better, please know there are many of us here who know it will get better, and hang on to that. 

    I think seeing a therapist is an excellant idea and am glad you're initiating that. Mine helped on so many levels. And don't hesitate to ask about antidepressants.  Many of us have gone that route; they won't make you "happy" but they will even things out, probably help you sleep better, and just in general make it easier for you to cope.

    Warm hug...

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  • hopeful34
    hopeful34 Member Posts: 1,569
    edited October 2010

    Just wanted to check in real quick.  I will update everyone tomorrow hopefully, but I have been really sick this time with chemo.  Normally, it doesn't get me down, but this time is different for some reason.  Thanks to all of you for your concerns and advice.  Take Care.  Allison

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  • somanywomen
    somanywomen Member Posts: 872
    edited October 2010

    We will be checking on you....Sorry, your chemo is giving you a fit..With my oncoscore and only a benefit of about 2% from chemo, I did not do it...I think I would have had a horrible experience since all chemicals, even perfumes others are wearing make me sick...You take care, there's a lot of us out here for any support you need....

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  • Dara_Diverse
    Dara_Diverse Member Posts: 5,144
    edited October 2010

    Hi Allison,

    I am so very sorry to hear you had a very rough round of chemo.  Take it easy and be easy on yourself. Just think, just two more weeks and two days and it will be behind you. It will get easier, trust me. Feel free to PM me anytime, I try to check in here daily now! 

    Hugs and lots of love coming your way

    ♥

    Dorothy

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  • KorynH
    KorynH Member Posts: 301
    edited October 2010

    Allison-

    reading your post just broke my heart. I remember having so many of those same feelings last year. I finally broke down and asked drugs! Yes, drugs! Well, anti-anxiety drugs, that is! My doctor toldme it is very common to need some help along the way, and just when I thought I didn't need them and went off them last December, here I am again, 6 months later went back on (Welbutrin).  I just found that I was crying all the time it seemed.  I thought that this month at my 2 year cancerversary I would feel, well, back to normal, but I am not. And that is okay.  Have you contacted Network Of Strength? They are FREE,  toll free and 24/7 with survivors who are trained counselors and can help you emotionally get through this tough time.  Their number is at the site.  They can offer some suggestions for you and have been in your shoes.  It's like a therapist right in your own home!  And they have all had breast cancer themselves.   I made a video after my treatment which you might find helpful. I don'tknow if you are a religious person but if it is my perspective on God's presence with me through a period of tremendous suffering. It is on You Tube Here.  Of course, you can vent here on the forums anytime and we will listen! God bless!

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  • robbie9
    robbie9 Member Posts: 1
    edited October 2010

    I feel exactly the same way, terribly depressed and unable to snap back. I made an appointment with a therapist who I will see again after my next surgery. That is the only thing that gives me hope. Cancer is very isolating and my close friend of 24 years and I just had a breakup because I didn't feel she understood. Trying to be honest with her only made it worse.

    If your insurance will pay, try to see a therapist.  We all need help when we fall and professionals are trained to deal with depression.Good luck, I totally understand.

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  • beckward
    beckward Member Posts: 59
    edited October 2010

    Roberta,  I've never heard anyone else say that they've lost a friend because of not understanding BC.  That happened to me, and it's been two years since we've spoken.  I still care for her a lot, but couldn't take the pity I felt from her.  All of a sudden, our friendship wasn't balanced anymore and I felt like her charity case.  I think of this as another side effect, but we all know that you've got to do what's best for you.  I see this is your first post...welcome!

    Allison,  I think the Network of Strength is a super idea for you!!! Please let us know if you call and how it goes.  I'm thinking of you every day.  Beth 

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  • hopeful34
    hopeful34 Member Posts: 1,569
    edited October 2010

    Thanks for the network of strength suggestion.  I will try it.  I called the BC nurse on Monday afternoon and she gave me the name of a therapist to see.  First off, it is a woman, secondly, she deals only with cancer patients.  The only downfall I can see so far is the initial visit is free, but the others are 150.00.  So, I need to get hold of my insurance company and see if they can cover the expense.  I am not working right now, so any extra money is just not there.  Maybe, the network of strength thing would work better for me.  I finally slept last night.  I mean I do sleep, it's just strange hours and sporadic.  Anyway, thanks again to all of you ladies for all your caring.  Sorry I haven't been on much lately.  I get like this sometimes, where I just don't feel like dealing with the whole bc thing.  While I appreciate the help, I have weeks where I spend hours a day on this site and then I go thru spells where I just don't feel like doing a thing and unfortunately this week seems to be one of them.  I did go out and pull my flowers and clean up the yard yesterday.  I got my house decorated for Halloween/Fall.  I will let you all know how things go in regards to the counselling/depression. 

    I want to say sorry to all of you who are going thru a rough time as well.  I hope we can all get over this and start feeling better soon.  Take Care.  (Hugs!)  Allison

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  • Dara_Diverse
    Dara_Diverse Member Posts: 5,144
    edited October 2010

    Hey Allison,

    Thanks for checking is with your update.  I hope that your insurance will pay for you to see the therapist.  If not, take advantage of that free session and try to have them adjust their fee.  Most therapists are not paid in full by insurance companies anyway due to their contracts.  It certainly can not hurt to ask.

    I am happy to hear that you got out Halloween stuff, that is a great start.  You may not have loved doing it but it is a step.  Stay strong and know that I am praying for you and all of my sisters here.  Love to all!! 

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  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 8,188
    edited October 2010

    If your insurance can't pay, there are some lower -cost places.  http://findahealthcenter.hrsa.gov/Search_HCC_byAddr.aspx   Some services are county-provided.  (This is not a recommendation - I have not used them.)

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  • beckward
    beckward Member Posts: 59
    edited October 2010

    Allison,   So glad to hear from you!  I think we all understand having to get away from this for awhile...sorry to bug you about not posting!!!   One of the reasons I've kept the bc thing private (even my inlaws don't know) is because it is exhausting to talk about it....especially when you're having a great day away from it and someone calls to ask how you are.   It will wear you down when it's always in your face.

    Please know that we're here when you need us, otherwise I'll assume that you're enjoying the time away.  Beth 

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  • hopeful34
    hopeful34 Member Posts: 1,569
    edited October 2010

    Hello again.  I spoke with my mom tonight and she said she is coming to pick me up tomorrow, taking me to lunch and pretty much making me get motivated and call the insurance about therapy coverage.  She said I need to talk to someone too.  Needless to say, I whine, but I tend to just sit around and never actually do anything about it. 

    I went to the pharmacy tonight to pick a prescription for thrush (another fun SE from chemo) and I live in a very small town and a guy sat next to me who I know, but not really.  Anyway, he just looked at me and said, "breast cancer is a horrible disease isn't it?"  I know it's obvious I have cancer, as I am bald, but I thought, Is it that obvious what kind....and why is paying that much attention.  He told me his wife (whom I also know of)  had a BMX in February and developed and infection and had to have her TE removed.  He said his mother died of BC also.  Anyway, getting to the point.....he gave me her home phone number and told me to call his wife tomorrow.  I know it might be a little dilusional on my part, but I am kind of excited to talk to her.  I think it may help to talk to someone who can relate to me.  The only difference is she is 55 and I am 34, so I am not sure if she feels as upset as me in regards to feeling "ugly".  I feel shallow/vain for being so consumed with my image, but it is difficult when my husband is such a physical person. He and I have only been married three years and now I have no breasts, no hair and have gained weight.  Add to that, the fact that I have a 14 year old son from a previous marriage and he has no children and wants them badly and I probably won't be able to do that without potentially getting BC again and it kills me inside.  I didn't mean to make it sound like at 55 you don't care about your appearance, I just meant her husband seemed far more understanding as they have been married 20+ years and have two children together.  Sorry for my rambling, but my point was I have someone nearby to call, who is having the same problems (at least surgically) as me.  Thanks again to all of you for your help and again I will keep you updated.  Take Care and Good Night.  Allison

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  • beckward
    beckward Member Posts: 59
    edited October 2010

    Allison,  AHHH, now I can see some of the deeper issues you're dealing with.  This is the stuff that therapists live for!!!!...and are really skilled in helping you deal with.  The whole children thing is HUGE.  I hope your new bc comrade is good for you.  As everyone here has said, you need someone "real" to talk to sometimes.  

    As for your husband, don't be afraid to accept some well-intentioned humor from him...it might be a way that he can deal with this right now.  I've been married 27 years (and my physical image is just as important to my marriage as it was at 35!).  My husband walked in the door last night and asked, "How's everything in hooterville?"  He often comments on candies that would make good nipple substitutes and has offered his own for transplant....in front of the ps!!!  Boys will be boys. I'm sending good thoughts your way. 

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  • Dara_Diverse
    Dara_Diverse Member Posts: 5,144
    edited October 2010

    Good morning Allison,

    Nice to hear from you.  I am happy that you are talked to your mother about things and she is willing to listen.  Remember, Mother knows best!  I hope you are able to connect with the woman in town who is going through the same thing.  Any steps you , even baby steps, is a step in the right direction.  I personally have found that others in my shoes are very helpful in making me feel better when I am down.  I am fortunate to have a sister that went through BC twice along with a coworker whom I talk with on a daily basis.  I lean on them whenever I am feeling down.  And don't think you are ever bothering anyone, as you can see here, your fellow survivors are more than happy to help you get through these tough times. Helping others for me feels great. 

    And you are not shallow in worrying about your body image.  Just remiind yourself that your hair WILL grow back, you will have beautiful NEW girls and you CAN loose the weight. It just takes time and yes, patience.  But remember, you are BEAUTIFUL just the way you are and you need to believe that.  You may not feel it at the moment but as the other girls have said, it WILL get better. You have been through so much both physically and mentally.  My wish for today is that you come back here and tell us that you have an appointment with a therapist or phychologist. My phychologist does not specialize in BC but he never fails to make me feel better.  I have learned that when i start feeling sorry for myself and get "inside my head", to immediately dismiss any negative thoughts and count my many blessings. 

    As for having a baby with your husband, only time will tell if it is right and I hope that you are able to give your husband the baby that you both want.  But for now, it is something you need to put on the back burner as you need to get well first. 

    And let me be the one to tell you that it does not matter if we are 35 or 55.  I am 49 and will be 50 in a few weeks and I care very much about my appearance.  I am divorced and met a guy that I went to high school with at a Memorial Day parade on 5/31, just one day prior to my official diagnosis.  We have been seeing each other since and he is able to "look the other way" as far as my top half. He did scold me at one point for constantly talking about the cancer but I have learned to come here and vent or utilitze my network of friends to talk about that. We spent many months together before getting physical and when the time came, I just wore a sexy silk robe and kept it on to hide my chest. I also lost one TE due to infection).  It pains me to look in the mirror as my chest is currently mutilated from three surgeries but I try to look the other way and picture myself with the beautiful body that I will have ....in God's time that is. 

    Thanks again for the update and please know that I am constanting thinking of you and hoping that you get an appointment today to talk to a professional. Also, I would be happy to speak to you, I am not working yet and am so bored.  I would be very happy to speak with you on the phone, message me your phone number, only if you want to, and I will call you and we can talk about anything you want.  I am a good listener. 

    Have a nice lunch with your Mom and embrace the fact that you are alive and know that things can only get better from here. Sending you wishes of peace and love, Allison. Hang tough, you can do this.  I believe in you. 

    ~~Dorothy

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  • hopeful34
    hopeful34 Member Posts: 1,569
    edited October 2010

    I am so sorry about the age comment.  I really didn't mean it the way it came out.  I just meant the lady has been married for a long time and thought maybe her husband could accept things more than mine, since it has been such a short time for us.  Believe me, I know when I am 90, I will still be trying to be cute.  I don't feel that way at all, but I can see where it might have come off that way, and where if it was taken that way, it might be funny.   As far as being able to joke about the situation, I can.  I am not offended easily, just some jokes he makes go a little too far.  He calls me a Gerber baby, Howie Mandel or a pirate (if I wear hoops) with my bald head, and I can appreciate humor.  Alot of his comments really make me laugh.  He has even said it is hard to gauge what to say when I laugh 90% of the time and then every once in a while he will make me cry.  I think maybe I am just more sensitive some days more than others.  I still haven't called the lady I was talking about.  My dog is 10 years old and she is yelping alot, hiding and not eating and I was worried she might be dying.  I am going to the vet today, so hopefully they can give her something to make her feel better.  Anyway, I will talk to you all soon.  Thanks again. Allison   

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  • debbie6122
    debbie6122 Member Posts: 5,161
    edited October 2010

    Hopeful- You didnt offend me either, thought it was kind of funny, im 53 and 1 in 1/2 years ago before i was dx with bc i thought i was kind of hot, if i may say so myself ha! then i went thru the i hate myself phase and couldnt stand to look at myself in the mirror,( i still wont look at my self naked in the mirror ) my hair was blonde and down to my butt and i had a pretty good figure, i gained a bunch of weight during chemo and my hair came in dark and curly i spent a lot of days crying and hating my looks, the reason im telling you this is, my hair has finally started growing back my blond is coming back ive lost weight and i see my old self again,  i even danced last night when we went out, so you will start to feel and look like your self again, just give it some time.

    When i was bald and i used to wear a cap on my head at nght to sleep because my head would get cold my DH came in the bedroom and looked at me and started singing "What do you say to a drunkin sailor" we both laughed at that one- when my hair was growing in and it was very curly he would sing "the sun will come out tomorrow" from the song annie! he is great and has always been supportive, its good to have some humor in your life about this.

    I hope you get the thereapy you want and are able to have your ins. pay for this- saying a prayer for you ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))

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  • Dara_Diverse
    Dara_Diverse Member Posts: 5,144
    edited October 2010

    Hey Allison,

    Way to go, you WILL be very cute at age 90, that's what I like to hear! I was one that never went out of the house without makeup, earrings etc and since my dx, I usually feel quite ugly.  I am still on STD and not yet working.  Today I had a Sweet 16 party to attend and it felt so nice to put on a real bra (padded with foam stuffing in the left cup), get make up on, dress up and do all that I can to look cute.  Of course my dear teenage daughter told me that my hair looked ugly as I have neglected to get my white roots touched up.  I am now motivated to do that but can not affford it.  My paycheck stopped due to an error by my HR department at work and I have exhausted my savings with paying bills. I am a single parent with just my income.  I had not felt like "being pretty" anyway but after today, I realized that when I get "dolled up", I feel much better looking in the mirror.  I am lucky that I did not loose my hair but I used to get it done every six weeks and have not had it done since July.  

    I hope that your doggie is alright, I have a thirteen year old puppy so I know how you feel.  Please let me know how the vet visit went.

     And Jo, very funny that you mentioned pididdle. I still say it even when I am alone and see a car with one headlight. And when I tell others about it, they think it is so silly or that I am making that one up. haha. And Allison, Jo said it well, it is a difficult road but we will get through this and at the end of the day be stronger woman over this. It will take time but it IS doable. And YOU, my friend can do it! 

    Keep in touch!

    Peace and love to all of you out there!!

    Dorothy

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  • Dara_Diverse
    Dara_Diverse Member Posts: 5,144
    edited October 2010

    Hey Allison,

    I was just thinking about you and am checking on you ato see how you are doing.  Please drop us a note when you can. Take care,all my friends :-)

    Dorothy

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  • hopeful34
    hopeful34 Member Posts: 1,569
    edited October 2010

    Hi Dorothy!  I still haven't gotten an appointment with anyone.  My insurance covers this type of help, but no one seems to be accepting new patients.  I will just have to keep looking or call that Network of Hope.  I went to a local festival "The Pumpkin Show" with my cousin this morning, so I had a pretty good day.  It wore me out somewhat thanks to chemo, but it was nice to get out of the house.  Thanks for checking in.  Hope you're doing good as well.  Take Care, Allison

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  • Dara_Diverse
    Dara_Diverse Member Posts: 5,144
    edited October 2010

    Hey Allison,

    Just checking in to say hello and I hope things are looking up for you.  I am glad to hear that you got out to the local festival and had a nice time.  This is the week to celebrate your last chemo session, wooohoooo!!  It will be uphill from you for ya sister. 

    Peace and love to you and all!

    xoxo

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  • hopeful34
    hopeful34 Member Posts: 1,569
    edited October 2010

    Just thought I'd update those of you who have checked in with me.  I went for my last chemo yesterday and after crying to the oncologist, he put me on Effexor for depression.  He said it would help with the hot flashes too.  I guess I will wait to go to a therapist and see how this works.  I start taking Tamoxifen too though, so I hope it doesn't make me even more emotional due to my hormones.  Thanks again to all of you for helping me through this.  Take Care.  Allison

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  • Dara_Diverse
    Dara_Diverse Member Posts: 5,144
    edited October 2010

    Hey Allison,

    So nice to hear from you!  I am so happy that you are done the chemo, yay!!!  I also just started effexir and tamox on 10/5. For me, so far, so good...just mild hot flashes that hit me when asleep. I am not sure how long it takes for both to kick in.  I had been on prozac for years but had to come off it as it reduces the effect of the tamox.  I was bummed out when the doc said I have to go off of it but so far, I am doing well emotionally.  I hope that the effexir works for you.  You do have to give it time, I believe it takes up to 30 days to kick in.  I am not sure if you have taken antipressants before but most of them take awhile to work.

    I go back to surgery on friday, 10/5 to have my te's replaced and also having a lat flap procedure.  The prior PS used cadaver tissue on me the first round but that did not work.  I am hoping to avoid infection this time. I amlooking forward to again having symatry to my body. I hate having just one TE, I feel like a misfit lol.

    Thanks again for the update and I am so happy to hear that you are moving in the right direction.  Kudos to you and your onc too!!!  

    BIG CYBER HUG TO YA... <<<<HUG>>>>

     

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  • stacla8
    stacla8 Member Posts: 1
    edited October 2010

    I am happy I found this site.  I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer in Feb of this year. Finished chemo in July and 33 radiation treatments in September. I have to say that radiation was worse than chemo in a lot of ways  I have been sad since the treatment ended and could not understand why.  I did figure out some reasons.  I realized that I never had a chance to be sick.  Know I have to agree no one understands how we feel if they have not been through it themselves.  My husband does not understand why I am sad all the time.  He feels I should be happy, most of the time I put on a fake face.  Sometimes I do feel his is right.  My sister-in-law did tell my that it is normal to have kind of a let down feeling when treatment is over.  So much is planned of me during treatment and I was so busy that I did not have a chance to really think about what was going on.  Then all of a sudden it all ends and I had time to really think about everything that has happened to me in the last 8 months.  Reading things here at least lets me know that what I am feeling seems to be normal. 

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  • annettie
    annettie Member Posts: 50
    edited November 2010

    Allison, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You're story is so similar to mine. I cannot find anything to take the sadness and depression away. they took my ovaries at the same time I had my lumpectomy. I'm not sure if that is why I can't come out of this slump and anxiety I have. I take antidepressants and antianxiety meds but nothing is working. SAM-e has helped me in the past with fibromyalgia and I noticed it helps me with the nueropathy I've developed since chemo, it is a mood enhancer, also. I need to get some more becuz for the last couple days all I've been doing is crying. I emphatize with you when it comes to your family and the incompassionate (sp) remarks. I've been told the same as you..but who do you talk to when you want an immediate response? Usually the closest person there. Sometimes the answers are hurtful. I am alone going through this most of the time and I'm afraid to talk to people how I feel becuz I feel they think I'm nuts. I told my sister the other day that I'm more afraid of living than I am of dying.  

    The chemo can make you depressed, also. I can suggest that you take each day a day at a time and try not to think too far in the future and all the plans you have made. I do that also and I get more miserable becuz it looks too hopeless sometimes. I wish I could help you feel better and had the answers. Its hard to be strong when your mind is in such a depressed, scared state.

    I wish you the best and know that people care and are concerned. Many hugs. 

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  • Alyad
    Alyad Member Posts: 817
    edited November 2010

    Annettie,   "more afraid of living than dying" that just really hit home with me.  

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  • hopeful34
    hopeful34 Member Posts: 1,569
    edited November 2010

    I agree.  The "more afraid of living than dying." comment is very powerful.  I think it is the fear of the unknown.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't know what it feels like to have a definite "you're dying" , but I think for me it is the not knowing how all of this will end, that scares me the most.  Again, I am so grateful to all of the women on here for letting me know I am not alone in my feelings.  I wish all of you the best and hopefully with eachothers help we can get thru this insanity.  Take Care.  Allison 

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