Awkward situation; WWYD?
I could really use some objective viewpoints on an awkward situation I now find myself in. First, a quick backstory:
When I was dx late last year, I called the five gals I know who have had bc, asking for doctor names, etc. One of them (we'll call her Mary) was dx 3 yrs ago and her sister was dx 4 yrs ago. I've known Mary for about 10 yrs (our kids once played sports together) so we are casual friends but not the BFF type; more the b-day/holiday card, occasional phonecall type, because our lives haven't interesected much at all for the past 5+ years at least. Mary gave me the name of her BS (who after looking up online I did NOT want to use) and also of her sister's BS who turned out to be a fabulous specialist. During my pre- and post-surgery and heavier-duty phase of my chemo, there were a lot of phone calls between Mary and myself and I have to say that even though many times she was more of a downer than anything (she had every SE and problem in the book and talked about them ALL the time!) I know that her intentions were good. And I know that had it not been for her giving me the name of her sister's surgeon, I would probably never have found my BS --- so I am very aware and grateful for that. In fact it makes me feel a sort of obligation to her/them. They are both very nice gals and very well-intentioned.
They are also both very involved in the whole Pink Ribbon thing, and they both assume that since I am now a "BC sister", I of course must feel the same way. The problem is that I do not; in fact I am very anti-Pink. Neither of them know this, because I didn't feel the need to make an issue of this difference in outlook, until...
... I got an invitation to a merchandise party Mary gave last week to "kick off BC Awareness Month" and to "support the cause." This was a double-whammy for me, because not only am I anti-Pink but I also have always hated the concept of merchandise parties and avoid going to them (I went to one years ago, felt 100% imposed-upon and swore I'd never attend one again). So I told a white lie about having other plans -- it was a fairly last-minute invite anyway -- which got me out of that event.
Except that in today's mail I received ANOTHER invite to yet ANOTHER Pink-support merchandise party, this one being given by Mary's sister. 
There's no way that another "previous engagement" would be believeable -- Mary knows that I don't live that kind of life -- and so I'm wondering if I should just be honest and say that because I have philosophical objections to the Pink campaign I won't be attending. (I can't use the Merchandise Party as an excuse, because I'd just get asked to order something "as a donation to help the cause")
So I am in a quandary. On the one hand I feel as if I should be politely honest and truthful about how I feel, and explain that invitations such as this unfortunately put me in a very uncomfortable position; but on the other hand I still can't help feeling some sort of obligation to Mary for being the source of my finding the Right Surgeon as well as caring what happened to me in my times of bc-stress. I have already expressed my appreciation several times in cards and letters and phone calls, taken them out to lunch (which frankly I could ill afford but felt it was the right thing to do) -- so now I do want to be able to move on from that sense of obligation; yet I am finding it not so easy to do.
I know that Mary and her sister are likely to be shocked at my anti-Pink attitude as well. They derive so much emotional support and comfort from that, and thus I don't know if they could possibly understand how much the Pink concept offends me.
What would you do in this situation? Tell yet another white lie to save their feelings, or come out with the truth and let the chips fall where they may?
Comments
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I am known for my lack of social skills, but I would go with the truth. That way you don't have to worry so much about future invitations. You have already expressed your appreciation for finding the Right Surgeon by cards, letters, phone calls, and for goodness' sake taking them out to lunch. That's a lot more than what I would have done.
Hopefully sometime they will realize that not all breast cancer patients are identical.
I hope others with more people skills will soon post.
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I wouldn't get into the truth, there is no point. I might just say, "Thanks for inviting me but I don't like to be reminded about my cancer and don't want to participate in the pink festivities. it upsets me."
That way if they probe, 'Oh, but don't you know it'll save women?" you can just demur and repeat that it's emotionally difficult for you but thank them for thinking of you.
You won't change their minds and there is no need for them to know your anti pink feelings. What your real goal is for them to leave you alone so the best way to do that is let them know you find it difficult and don't want to be reminded.
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Someone at my job invited me to participate in the survivor's lap at their Relay for Life. I was touched but didn't want to do it, but didn't want to hurt her feelings, either. I said thanks for thinking of me, I'm honored. So sorry I can't attend. I'll sponsor a luminaria in honor of my BC sisters, and wrote a check to the ACS for seven dollars. That satisfied us both.
I say don't burst their bubble. Don't lie but don't tell the whole truth either. Good luck!
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be honest and respectful. Say your sorry but this is how you feel, you mean no harm in it, thank you for inviting me, thank you for all your help- good for you guys etc. If they don't respect you for that, screw them. (sorry). People appreciate the truth more than we think sometimes- I know I do
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I would have no problem telling either of them your feeling.... briefly. I dont' think you are obligated to tell the details, except for perhaps that you are uncomfortable with the whole thing and choose not to support it in that way,.
I agree with you... for me, I would like to see much more money devoted to research and support of alternative and or complimentary therapies. We know that so much of this money is diverted from where it is really needed.
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There's an old saying I often repeat to myself in situations like this ... Never explain; never complain. You owe them neither an explanation of why you don't want to go, nor do you want to put yourself in the position of complaining about pink or merchandising parties. Simply tell them that you very much appreciate being thought of, but that you can't make it. If you want to tell them simply that these sorts of parties aren't for you that's fine, but do not try to explain your distaste for pink, or exaggerate your emotional state. If they invite you again and you say, "No thank you," they should get the hint. If the person is someone I know and care about, I might tell them I'd be happy to look at a catalog for whatever it is they're hosting. I might order something to support their efforts, but I'm not shy about not doing that if I can't use or don't want any of the merchandise.
Have they asked you out to lunch or did they do anything for you during your tx? Probably not. Their interest in you now is as much about you being a potential customer/consumer for their parties, so you do not owe them an explanation. If you feel grateful for the doctor referral, send them a thank you card expressing your appreciation and you won't feel obligated to go and buy stuff you don't really need. I've done it too many times and still have the unused apple peeler, etc., around to prove it.
Time to put you and your feelings first without feeling guilty. JMHO Deanna
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I would be honest. I have been when I was faced with a similar situation. I find that those who do not have cancer are the ones most likely to send me pink things and let me know that they are involved in Komen things. I just say thanks...they want to help and think this is a way to do it. The ones who have cancer who do not feel the same as I do have been understanding and respectful of my viewpoint.
I think there is more than enough money going to obscure research that is dead end and ego serving... Spend the money finding the cause, and a cure.... spend the money directly helping people pay for treatment or co-pays or mortgages or COBRA or groceries. In the area where I live there is local charity that uses the money they raise to help on a more personal level....
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Gee, I agree...I've been in this situation more than I care to admit... I am very private (and let's face it, these are our boobs).
While I respect my sisters' needs to fight bc their own way, i think in this case, I would err on the side of kindness and politeness...a simple "no thanks, can't make it, but here is a small donation" will suffice.
You owe them neither a big explanation, nor a reason. Their feelings differ from yours, their comfort level with it is different than yours, that's fine. Never over explain anything....just say, thank you for thinking of me, but I can't attend. that's all.
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My friends and co-workers over the years learned, because I told them each time I was invited, that I didn't do home sales parties (tupperware, super chef, hand bags, ANY sort of home sales---well I would consider a sex toy party, but was never invited), or bridal or baby showers. They were welcome to invite me and if I felt close enough to the person I may send a gift, or donate. But to never expect me to purchase.
I know, sounds harsh. But with 2 kids in all sorts of extra activities(at that time) that needed to raise money I knew they didn't want to be hit up for $$ any more than I did.
I bought my kids merchandise, if I wanted it---if not, I donated money, when I could afford it. I do the same with BC merchandise, I don't buy it , but I donate to my local ACS wig closet ev ery year and donated my time as a volunteer for decades---before I was dx'd.
Honesty is the best policy. But brutal total honesty is not necessary. Just enough to let them know you are not comfortable is enough. And if it isn't, then go brutaL
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Hi, Dottie! I like your policy - it's similar to the one I use for chain-letter e-mails that say, "Send this to the ones you love and if you don't send it back to me, I'll know why" or some such stupid thing. I've actually e-mailed the person in question to tell them "Love ya, but I don't do chain letters." and sometimes she writes back to say she knows, but thought I'd enjoy the rest of it. So now neither of us gets upset - she sends it, I read it, smile and delete it.
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I would say, "Thank you for thinking of me, but I am unable to attend." If pressed, I would say, "It is just not something I feel up to emotionally right now but I do appreciate you thinking of me." For some people that kind of thing is very fullfilling (not me, I went to a few things at first and they just made me sad), but for them it really IS a postive, healing thing; and therefore they are inviting you out of good motives.( Carolyn, I never, ever send chain letters on either......if it's a tremdous e-mail that I'd actually like to forward, I delete the 'send this to 5 people to have good luck' part before I do send it on.)
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Lots of good "what to say" suggestions above.
If you don't want to donate - you can say something like "I have my own favourite cancer charity I support"
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I think the "Emily Post" response would be as dlb823 suggested. You aren't obligated to these women, and it sounds as if, while you appreciate the help they have given you, you've more than repaid them for their good wishes, information, etc. I think three or four, "Sorry, I can't make it"s will discourage them. I can see how they might go on and on, and God forbid, ask WHEN you COULD make it. If they do that, then a smiling, "Just not my thing," with a quick departure should do the trick.
If you never hear from them again, you don't really care, right?
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I agree with Dottie and those who advocate being direct; otherwise, you will face the same situation again next year. I am usually nice the first time and indeed, you were "nice" in responding to the first invitation.
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Wow, lots of great responses and points of view here! A few specific thoughts on some:
I can't really use the "reminded" reason at this point, since I'm still in treatment (part of the Herceptin Brigade) and thus not yet at the point when bc as a daily-life thing is in the past. Not sure if that will factor in to my antiPinkness in the future or not (especially during Octobers!). But I absolutely do empathize and sympathize with all those for whom that is a part of their reaction to The Pink.
As far as making a donation to anything Pink-related as a gesture, for me that would be in the same category as, say, signing a petition in favor of hunting (which I happen to abhor) or donating to the political campaign of someone whose views I vehemently disagree with; things I just couldn't bring myself to do and then look at myself in the mirror afterwards.
Deanna, when I was first dx Mary said "if you need us to do anything, just ask" (the same thing everyone else I know said at that time). Like anniealso, I am a very private person and have always hated to ask anyone for help unless there's just NO way I can do it by myself; but I did want someone to take me to the first 3 chemos until I got a handle on whether I could safely drive myself to and from. I did ask Mary if she could take me to chemo #3, because I knew that the company she works for was closed for vacation during that particular week. They did take me, and between the driving times (their house -> my house -> chemo -> my house -> their house = at least 30 minutes each "leg") plus the 3 1/2 hours spent at chemo, it did kill a day. Honestly I would not have asked her if there were anyone else who could do it that day, because her treatment horror-stories were something I'd rather avoid. After that tx I drove myself every time but for those first couple of chemos I was a bit of a Nervous Nellie.
nowords, I agree completely with where/how money should flow. That's a huge part of my objection to the Pink Industry. As a bc patient with no insurance but who isn't "poor enough" yet to qualify for any "official" help, I am very aware of how little is done to help current patients on a practical level.
I too am a chain-email hater!! I've known 3 people who are addicted to using the "Fwd" button. A few years ago I politely asked them to not send those to me, citing my dislike of having my personal email address forwarded to the inboxes of who-knows-who (which is very true, along with my overall dislike of the chain concept). One of the people apologized and stopped sending me any; the second took offense and made snippy comments about it for the better part of a year, but at least she took me off her "Fwd" list; and the third just ignored my requests and kept sending the bleeping things. I eventually got fed up, changed my email, and never gave her the new one.
Marly, I really like your idea of responding with a "Just not my thing" -- but I think rather than using it as a backup plan, I may lead off with it instead. Maybe as saying "Thank you for thinking of me again, but it's really just not my thing." And if she asks which (party or awareness support) is 'not my thing', I could answer "Both, actually." Hopefully that should do it. And it would involve neither a lie or a capitulation of principles.
(My third line of defense, should she ask "Why both?" could be to respond with "Oh, it's complicated" and leave it at that. Hey, it worked as a movie title ) This is one of those times when an email response would be my first choice but Mary isn't online and I have no idea whether her sis is or not (and certainly don't want to exchange addys). I got an interesting answer from a longtime penpal in England today, after I emailed her with the same WWYD question. She asked "Why should you feel under perpetual obligation to someone merely because she happened to offer you the name of her sister's surgeon? That was no more than an accident of fate." I responded by telling her that actually, I had specifically asked Mary for the name of her sister's surgeon, because after looking into the qualifications (?) of the guy who did Mary's, I had no other personal-experience doctors to look into; my surgeon's name wasn't offered to me at the start. My UK friend had a great response: "Oh bloody hell, girl, then what are you whinging about? They didn't save your butt, you saved your own by asking her for the information!"
Never thought about it that way. Duh.
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I, too, agree with Deanna. Say, "Thank-you for thinking of me, but I will not be able to attend." End of reply. No explanation is needed, however, if pressed, say you don't attend merchandise parties and you have given directly to breast cancer research already this year.
I don't attend merchandise parties, either. If a good friend has one, I know they invite me so I don't feel excluded, but they know I probably won't attend...or I show up as the merchandise is being put away and I just party with my friends, lol. If it's just a casual friend, I send my regrets and that's it. No excuses.
The way I look at it is everyone's breast cancer is unique to them, and their way of dealing with Pink October is going to just as individual. To assume that because someone has had breast cancer they will be all gung-ho supporting the pink merhcandise is a big mistake.
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Nancy, that's so true. Unfortunately the mass-marketing has become so pervasive that many people do just ASSume, unless the individual bc patient has expressed their feelings about it one way or the other.
If I had a dollar for every time I've heard Mary say something about "how important it is to give back" and to "pay it forward by supporting the cause", I could probably pay my last blood-chem lab bill with the results! Sometimes you just know that it's best not to get into any discussion of a certain subject (religion, politics, etc) because it's already clear the other person's views are polar opposite to your own and just as strongly-held. Some people love a good fight (or "debate") but I'm a nonconfrontational wimp most of the time (although I've gotten more assertive with age, having graduated from Fulltime Doormat to Picking My Battles
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Ugh, Lovemygarden....I know you can't wait for October to be over with...I cannot WAIT. And it's a shame...this used to be my absolute favorite time of year. I love autumn!
I am in a similar quandry, and unlike you, I caved. My company is sponsoring a Race for the Cure team, and of course, since I'm Breast Cancer Girl, I was asked to LEAD it. I politely declined, but went ahead and joined the team and I feel like the biggest hypocrite ever. I don't like so much about this, but don't want to turn into political activist on the rampage, either, you know? I need my job and benefits!!!!! And when I try to explain how I feel about the whole pink thing to people who haven't had BC, they think I'm insane. I can tell. (Or maybe I'm just paranoid and actually really am insane.)
So I'm a total wimp. Don't listen to any advice I give, girl.
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I agree with NancyD and Deanna: you can just say something like, "Thank you for inviting me, but I just can't attend." If they keep on pressing you, you can just keep on repeating, "I'm sorry I just can't attend." Even if they think you are nuts or you aren't hearing what they are saying. If they ask, "Well why not?", you can say, "Because I just can't."
I think that's the way my (psychological) therapists have used, or suggested I use in difficult situations (I was brought up that you always had to justify your position. Deanna and NancyD are right. You don't have to justify anything.) That way, Mary has no opening to challenge the reason why you can't attend.
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Lovemygarden, As you eloquently put in the first part of the 5th paragraph of your post that is what I would say to them. It explains your feelings without insulting or finding fault with their feelings
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leaf, I know exactly what you mean because I was brought up the same way. It's not easy to break the habit instilled all those years ago at such a young age! My dad was the analytical one (I'm blessed/cursed with the same trait ) and so the "why"s and the "basis" for everything were all-important. And on the other front, my mom was always telling me "don't be unreasonable", "don't be argumentative" and "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar". Clearly I was doomed to decades of doormat-dom from the start!
Laurie, do you mean the part about just saying that I have philosophical objections to the Pink campaign? Not sure if you meant my original post or one of my additional long-winded ones.
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I agree with the others about being careful not to keep answering their "why?"s, because they don't really want to know what your feelings are, they just want a reason they can argue against. And it's none of their damned business! Pardon my French.
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i never go to 'parties' and always thank them for the invitation along with my regrets. i don't think you need to tell them why. I also don't participate in arguments if i don't want to.
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Apple, I wish I could do that. I have been to more parties and bought more crap than I ever wanted or needed because I have a hard time saying no. I think it's a "Southern" thing, to be honest, although certainly not exclusive to the South.
I have Premiere jewelery I don't wear, Mary Kaye makeup that breaks me out, and candles that stink.
I'm going to take a page from your book!
Suzanne - the new "NO MAN".
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I guess that I feel compelled to speak out in hopes of slowing down this nonsense, i.e. the "merchandizing of breast cancer." While undergoing treatment, I had a couple of less than pleasnt interactions with the local branch of the American Cancer Society. Therefore, I was horrified to receive an e-mail at work from a colleague who is also an old friend announcing that she was collecting money and "walking" in my honor in an American Cancer Society fundraiser. I was horrified on two levels: 1.) She announced my cancer diagnosis to an entire agency. 2) The was collecting money in my name for an organization which I did not endorse. Needless to say, the announcement resulted in numerous phone calls, e-mails, etc., i.e. "consolation" calls such as "I'm so sorry. Did you catch it early? [no] "Don't worry I got my mammogram" [Mine didn't show up on a mammogram.] and way too often, stories of people who had died of cancer. [Just what I needed.]
I was polite to the clueless "well-wishers" but blunt with my friend who sent the memo. Best case scenario is that she will never do this to anyone else without asking/informing them first. I played along with the charade for the others, including suffering through her "post walk" memo thanking participants and donors and announcing the amount of money raised.
My advice: Speak up. Do it in a nice way, but do speak up.
Sue (No doormat)
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OMGosh, Sue! What a breach of trust! I'm so sorry you had to go through that! I sure wish some things could be 'undone'.
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I've been lucky in that I've never worked at a place where participating in cause-related events was "encouraged" (which clearly is a euphemism for "being mugged at gunpoint jobwise") but I can easily imagine how much pressure that puts upon employees and think it's completely unfair. Suzybelle, try not to think of the walk thing as being hypocritical, so much as it being a kind of "job-safeguard insurance" that nobody can really afford to ignore in this economy no matter how valued an employee they are. So in a way you will be walking to help yourself, not the Pink Machine. I know it still will rankle, though; in your place I'd be stewing about it for weeks before, all during, and who knows how long afterward.
Sue, I too am horrified that someone at your job did such a thing without asking you first!
"Good intentions" don't even begin to be an excuse for widespread sharing of someone's personal situation, at least not in my book. And because it wasn't an official act on behalf of your employer, what she did doesn't fall under the protection of the Employee Privacy laws (the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and the Americans with Disabililties Act (ADA) -- both Federal law so it applies no matter where you live -- prohibit employers from disclosing information like this without your permission... but you say she was a colleague and thus not acting in an official capacity). I'm glad you were "blunt" with her; I probably would have sent her an email so blistering that her computer screen would have melted, and I don't usually do that sort of thing! And I can't say that I wouldn't have also thrown a hissy fit about to the HR Dept as well; it would depend on how close of a friend the person was before the 'incident', I guess. One would think that a legally-savvy employer would have some sort of policy saying that any inter-office public disclosure of another employee's personal information without prior permission is "cause for dismissal" -- just to avoid a situation like yours, if not to literally cover their own corporate derriere.....
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Lovemygarden - thanks for the advice. I will try to do that!
Sue, I can so relate to your experience. I had a co-worker who called people and told them about my diagnosis because she said 'they needed to know." I told her if I wanted people to know I would tell them myself.
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In defense of the woman who organized the walk, she is an old friend and really thought I would be delighted. Guess she never expected that I would have a "bad attitude" towards the local chapter of the ACS.
Suzybelle--"Needed to know?" It took me a long time to adjust to the fact that people whom I barely knew suddenly took an interest in my health.
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Oh gosh, Suzybelle, that co-worker of yours really had a set of brass... um, objects belonging to the opposite gender
for her to feel that she had the right to decide Who should know What about somebody else's medical status!On a rather humorous note, I went to a sporting event yesterday and on the jumbotron they were advertising upcoming games along with any special event associated with them. Of the two that will take place this week, one game is designated as "Prostate Cancer Awareness" night (accompanied by blue-ribbon graphic, naturally) and the other is to be for "Breats Cancer Awareness" with of course the accompanying PINK.
What's funny is that what you see in the last line is exactly the way the word breast was spelled on the jumbotron. B-R-E-A-T-S . And the game promo ran AT LEAST 20 times during the course of the game ... if not more. I was cracking up at the patheticness of it all (you just know it was probably a guy who was in charge of the digital graphics, and that the other ad would never have made it to screen in front of 14,000+ people if it had been spelled "protsate", LOL!) and it gave me the perfect chance to make my views on the PinkMachine known to the group of people that I was with. And you know what, it felt really good to do that! (unfortunately neither Mary nor her sister was in the group, oh well)
Btw, it turned out that all 3 gals who were in our group feel the same way as I do about the Pink. Varying ages, none with bc but one's mom did and another's aunt. So they are not isolated from it by any means. I gave them my WWYD query about the party invites and got one "just give another lame excuse", one "just say you can't and don't explain" and one "tell her exactly what you just told us, otherwise you'll be hounded every year for sure".
Oh they all hate merchandise parties too. Dare we hope those might become extinct one day? (I know, I know)
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