Constantly Sad

Allison, I was where you are a few weeks ago. What helped me was a therapist and sleep. I was not sleeping more than 4 hours a night since June. I started SAM-E and melatonin and I can now sleep 6-7 hours for about 5 nights a week. That is way better. My body doesn't metabolize anti-depressants well and they knock me into la la land so SAM-E is a natural alternative. It takes several days to kick in but so do anti depressants.

Taks a deep breath and call and make the appointment. You have PTSD/depression. Who wouldn't?

Allison - first of all big hugs ((hugs)).  As unbelievable as it seems things do get better - I don't mean life living with a cancer diagnosis, but learning to live with it.  Everything changes. And as much as the people who love us really do love us, no one REALLY understands.  We do here, we really do.  No one really understands what it means to have cancer until you are the one being told.  Life goes on for everyone else, and as much as that freaks us out, that is the way it is.

Does this misery ever end?  No, probably not, but it changes into something else along the way.  I feel your pain Allison and I am reaching my cyber hugs from over here in Australia to say that I understand totally what your post is about and I hope your agony and pain subsides over the coming days.  Please PM me if you need a direct response.

 big hugs

Helena

Dear Sweet Allison,

First of all, you keep writing and talking and venting all you want.  That is what we are here for. We get it and we are here to listen and help you in any way that you can!  Tell you hubby that mentioning someting about some woman'schest is very offensive and that you want him to refrain from doing that EVER again.  Sleep deprivation and not feeling like you can do what you want to do is contributing to the problem.  Tell you mil just what you told us, you are recovering and in treatment and not having a vacation.  Sweetie, if you have health insurance try to find a good therapist.  Interview them.  Find one that is understanding and that feels right for you.  They are out there--it is usually not the psychiatrists that do therapy.  Please take care of yourself, this shiz is so hard and we understand and we care and I want you to know that you are not alone!! xo

Ellie

i recently went on an antidepressant.. what has helped me so much is the extra 30 minutes of sleep i get a day.

it has been marvelous.

Allison,

You are doing the right thing by being here with us ladies.  We will hold you up when you are feeling down.  Beauty is on the inside and you have to recognize that.  I have been seeing a phychologist and it is very helpful.  Between my shrink, this wonderful site and my friends, I have overcome quite a bit.  Your husband was definately very insensitive to have said such things in front of you.  He probably did not mean it.  As the other gals will attest, know one can understand what we have been through.  Hang out here and whenever you are down, just reach out and one of us will hold your hand. 

 Like you, I also had to have my left TE removed on 9/9 and I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. I feel like a freak from a horror movie. I would recommend working with a phychologist as I found it extremely helpful in dealing with my emotions and keeping a positive outlook. Like you, I was torturing my family with complaining all of the time about the pain and discomfort and I get tired of hearing myself complain. My phycologist assisted me with addressing my family without screaming at them.  You need to speak up wtih confidence in your voice and tell them how you feel. You have endured so much and deserve to vent.  I also recommend that you find someone outside the home for support whether it be a friend, coworker or someone from school that makes you smile in their presence. 

I am also having trouble sleeping which just started.  I was initially sleeping all the time and now I am feeling as if I am speeding when trying to sleep.  I think it is either the tamox or the effexor I have just started to take.  i am grinding my teeth when I sleep too and wake up with not only a very uncomfortable chest area but my jaw hurts like hell too.  Each time I wake up I am sad that this is not a dream and it is real.  

Hang in there girl and keep smiling.  As I like to say, fake it til ya feel it.  You will again find happiness and be grateful to have lived through this.  If you want to talk more, send me a personal message.  I am not back to work and have all the time in the world, especially to support my sisters here.  God Bless you and I hope you feel better, both physcially and mentally.

<<HUGS>>!!!

Allison,

I read your original post about an hour ago and can't stop thinking about you.  Let's just say that you sound a lot like me a few years ago, after a devastating dx of MS and then BC.  So here's what I learned...I'm not a therapist, but have climbed out of a deep, dark hole myself.

First of all, your family (especially dad) are practicing a simple survival technique...they are thinking of themselves and what they can handle.  Obviously you look very different than what they are used to.  Men, as we know, are very visual.  They cannot reach out and comfort you because they are simply trying to stay afloat themselves.   Don't start feeling paranoid about your husband.  I learned that many women actually ask/force partners to leave, just to feel some relief from that overwhelming paranoia.  Talking/whining to your DS and DH  will probably frustrate them because they don't work that way... they are programmed to Solve Problems and they can't solve yours....find someone professional.

Depression, which I think is where you are, has LOTS of very physical side effects... a huge one being sleep issues.  Combine that with the chemo, and it's no wonder you're sleep cycles are messed up.  If you are offered sleep meds. use them carefully....very addictive.

Can you resume one or two classes, with an understanding prof. so that you can move forward?  It's really important not to cut yourself off from what is your "normal" life.  I think that just being around objective people (not emotionally involved with you) will give you a huge lift.  

Lastly, plan small tasks for yourself and do them well.  Keep a notebook of your day and what you've planned and accomplished.  Make sure one of these tasks involves taking care of your physical self.  Plan a diet lunch, do your nails, buy a great scarf/hat, take extra time with your make-up, take a long healthy walk, call a friend.  It's the little things that matter now, so make them matter.   

Just the fact that you're posting tells me that you've go something on the ball.  Just look at the responses you've gotten immediately.  We are all listening and caring.  

At the time I was going through this,  I pictured myself in that deep hole. There were people I loved all standing at the top offering help, but no one threw me a ladder.  The truth is that you have to build your own ladder!  You will be so much stronger and have a ladder for life once this is over.  Sorry for the crazy analogy, but it worked for me!

Caring.....Beth 

Hey Somanywomen,

I have a mouthguard.  I just had six of my front teeth crowned by a cosmetic dentist (at at cost of 12k) and finished the year long process right before my surgery.  The dentist made me a mouth guard but it gags me so bad.  Also I misplaced it.  You are right though, I need to find it and get it in and try to get used to it or I will grind my new smile away.   I had the same issue with retainers with braces on my teeth.  I have an aweful gag reflex.  I am glad you reminded me, there are times when I just fail to think!  With everything else going on with the big C, I did forget about finding it.  I had just gotten it a few days before my surgery.  Once I had the surgery, I told myself that I will start trying to wear it again once I feel more comfy.  Here I am 2.5 months later and did not think about it til you mentioned it. Yikes. Thanks again.  I love it here, I can't say it enough.

Love and peace to all of my friends here!!! 

((((Allison))))  I had many days where I felt like you do now, but I just have to tell you that yes, tx does eventually end, and your hair grows back, and the chemo weight (which is a lot of water weight) comes off, and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't have any wisdom to make it all better at the point you're at now, but I do have two or three random thoughts about your situation.  First, it sounds like you don't have a very supportive family -- especially if your son is rolling his eyes at you!  Where is that coming from?  It sounds to me like your DH & your son need to talk to a bc therapist as much as you do.  What you are going through is tough, and if they can't have compassion for you, as well as be able to reassure you that it's temporary and you WILL get through it, they truly need an attitude adjustment.

I also know how disappointing it is to see the days go by and feel like you're not accomplishing anything, especially when you had specific goals for this time frame.  So what I'm wondering is, if you're feeling up to it, could you possibly take a class or two on-line?  Phoenix, Kaplan and others all have very credible on-line programs these days.

My other thought is, are you getting outdoors and getting any exercise?  You need both fresh air and exercise to get your endorphins going to fight the bc blues, and I think you'll find that even walking around the block for 10 or 15 mins. to start will give you both time to sort through your feelings and the physical movement you need to start feeling like you have control of your body again.  Trust me; it can make a big difference in how you view things.     

I'm also going to PM you a poem someone shared with me early in my tx that kind of addresess what you're going through and helped me through those low points.  But above all, remember -- you've had a rough time, but by this time next year, this will all be behind you and you will be reaching out to others who are you were you are now.     Deanna

Allison, we haven't heard from you today.  Please report in, as I'm sure I'm not the only one wondering about you!   Did you talk to your onc. today about a referral for a psychologist/therapist?

Hoping you're well....Beth 

Allison

So sorry for how you are feeling. We all have days like that and you definitely should reach out when you feel sad. When I got diagnosed my friends father had just got the all clear from 18 mos of treatment for Lymphoma. He visited me one night and gave me this tile that simply said "One Day at a Time". He said a bc survivor had given it to him and he was in remission and passing it on to me. He reminded me that I would have many sacrifices in my battle and one would be time. I needed to gear up and get ready for the fight and that meant that for a year or so I would have to just fully focus on getting better going through treatment...I needed to take this journey One Day at a Time. It sucks and its the hardest thing any of us will ever have to do...but we must. There are days that I feel so sad and lonely, fat and ugly..but then I remind myself of the endgame. I want to be here for my family and for my friends and we all have too much life to live. It is hard but you can do it.  I wish too that someone told me in the beginning how long it would really take for reconstruction and chemo and just getting your body back. I had my reconstruction a few weeks ago and when the PS told me it would take 4-6 months for the swelling to go down and really see the results I broke down in his office. I felt tired of feeling ugly and lopsided.. a week after that I had my first MRI since dx. It was all clear!! That helped me put it all into perspective and really washed away some fears and I felt so happy for the first time in so long. You are still so early in your diagnosis and you just have to remind yourself YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. Sounds like maybe you need a night out or in with girlfriends...maybe some pampering or retail therapy!

Remember that everyone is here for you and you can PM me anytime...I never sleep.

Stay Strong!!

Di

Allison - I think we all go through some of the same things you are going through now. Everyone's experiece is different, but as others have said, things will get better. I agree with others that you should try and find something to do so you can not be 100% focused on cancer.

 I did 6 months of CMF chemo and, though it's considered a lite chemo, the last three months were miserable. I was depressed, tired, and had side effects, which, to me, were very difficult to deal with. I worried that I complained to my family too much and that they were tired of me taking naps and being irritable and irrational. I think it's true that we become a little paranoid about those we love. 

 What I want to say is that this will pass--at least the worst of it. I am already feeling better and looking forward to my exchange surgery in November. I'm tired of being lopsided and having a baseball for a breast! I think I was lucky in a way because my breast surgeon told me early on that it would likely be a year of surgery and treatment. The first time I met him he told me that "2010 would be my breast cancer year."  

 Hang in there and I hope you find some support to help you through your treatment. Use the women on these boards--they know what you're going through. 

I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you. 

Hey Allison,

 Thanks for checkiing in.  I am sorry that you had such a long day and also that you have to wait so darn long for the exchange surgery. It is not easy being patient as our bodies go through so much and like you, I am very anxious to get the reconstruction complete.  I also have one side that is concave due to the TE removal. But it is a process and we have no choice but to grin and bear it while waiting.  

 I want to tell you that yesterday, I got outdoors and pulled some weeds, only for 45 minutes but the little workout I did was so invigorating and I felt the best I had since pre-bmx. I did nothing for the first eight weeks our of fear of breaking myself open again and it was so nice to do something that took effort and was productive too. 

Sending love and peaceful thoughts your way.  Hang in there honey.  We are here for you.

xoxo

Hi Allison,

I am just checking in to see how your weekend is going.  I hope that it  has been a good weekend for you and that you got to enjoy a little sunshine. I have been thinking of you and hope that you are progressing and feeling better. 

 Beth, I pray that your appointment tomorrow goes well and that you get nothing but good news. And I must say, "empowering" is a great word to descibe the feeling of firing your doc lol.  I had that feeling when I switched plastic surgeons; I had my records redirected and now they are calling to ask why.  I am pondering my response.  If I say how I really feel, I may get locked up!   

 Take good care, my friends! I hope it is a good day for all....

<<HUGS>>

Allison,  Well, it looks like we're not going to go away!   It's  Monday, and a great time to make a phone call or, better yet, an appt. to see a therapist/psychologist!!!  Hope you had a good weekend, and did some things for yourself.  

Funny story....My 16 yr.old DD wore her BC shirt to school on Fri. (a sanctioned BC awareness day at her school).  The shirts says, "Save Second Base".    So then she has to babysit right after school, at the last minute, with no time to change.  Well, you can imagine the conversations she had with the 6 and 8 yr. old boys she babysat.  They are baseball fanatics and were very concerned that second base NOT be eliminated!!!!!

Hope that made anyone smile!!!!   Beth