My US is tomorrow :(

Racquel · September 2010

So I'm starting to get nervous. Going to hang out with the non-BF BF tonight and do some computer work for him. I say non-BP BP cuz we've not really determined what we are to this point. I did have a horrible night last night and he told me this morning to stop pushing him away. Guess maybe it's easier. I don't want anyone to ever see me like that again.

I think what's go me so worried is all this weird crap that's been going on with me and I don't know if any of it is normal. Then again, what's normal? The normal I used to know is a thing of the past.

I hurt and I can't even describe it. I keep going to the chiro hoping it'll go away but it just doesn't. My back is in so much pain. I stretch, I move, I do everything I can imagine and it just doesn't stop. You can't even touch my lower back. Any little pressure puts me about into tears. I go slightly numb from my left elbow up to the shoulder. I lose feeling in my right fingers/hand and then my fingers don't like to work. It's like they just go dead. I trip. Damned near fell down the steps a week ago. I'm nauseated but when I do manage to eat I'm so constipated that it's almost unbearable. I just finished up the second round of Prednisone. The coughing has gone down but I still don't feel like I'm getting much air. I keep taking deep breaths but it's hard to do. Seems as though the only burst of oxygen I get is when I yawn. Difficult when I cold call customers all day.

And on that subject my memory is frickin fried. I had my little speech I'd do. I knew it inside and out. I wrote it. I've done this job since 2005. I KNOW what to do. I get on the phone and I lose track of what I'm saying. Last week I left an answering machine message -- to someone who'd answered and said "hello". I'm losing words. It's like my mind just goes blank. The other day I was going to tell my aunt that a friend would be going with tomorrow. After 5 minutes of trying to remember Danielle's name I gave up in tears. This is one of my best friends and I couldn't remember her name.

Is this normal? I feel like I'm going to crack up.

flash · September 2010

Hugs, I would definitely consider seeing a neurosurgeon about the back, numbness etc. What you are describing is consistent with disc/neuro problems. Hope it turns out to be something simple.

Racquel · September 2010

US tech took photos to rad and came back 5 minutes later to tell me that rad said to let me know that he doesn't think it's anything. In 5 minutes he can tell that? WOW! There are 2 lymph nodes enlarged. Hurt like hell when she pushed the scanner thing-a-ma-bob on it. Said that doc should have them tomorrow so will wait to here back from her.

LRM216 · September 2010

Sending all positive vibes your way that none of this will be what we don't want it to be. Keep us posted, you are in my thoughts....

Linda

Racquel · September 2010

Surgeon's office called this morning to say he'd looked everything from US over and wants me to come in. Is this normal? The last time rad told me all looked good then went to surgeon it wasn't the most pleasant day of my life. LOL

CoolBreeze · September 2010

Some doctors want to talk in person no matter what the news. I don't know yours but don't jump to conclusions yet. Good luck and post back here!!!

Racquel · September 2010

Met with the surgeon this morning and went over the MRI and US reports. MRI says there are 2 masses -- 10 mm and 5 mm. It says something about demonstrating "washout". What would that be? MRI says "do not see corresponding nodular or lymph node type density on any of the May 2009 mammograms to say that this is definitely stable". The US report says it's 7 mm and 3 mm and that both have normal fatty hilum and US appearance so that must be good, right? Surgeon was a bit flippant -- he's lucky he's cute cuz he kinda irritated me when I asked why that area is in so much pain. He said he didn't know but that cancer doesn't hurt. I reminded him that I only came in last year because of a pain in the breast. Last year after mammo and US they'd also told me they didn't think it was anything to be concerned about. He said today that he thought we could watch it. What it what? Grow? A month ago I was told it was 3 mm and now it's 10? What's the world coming to when we need to be our own doctors? He said he'd biopsy if it'd mak me feel better. ??? So I told him that for my own mental state that I wanted one. Not sure if they are going to biopsy or excise them because one is next to implant and a prominent blood vessel.

We got talking about pain and I told him I keep going to chiro but the pain in my back just doesn't go away. It hurts to get out of bed in the morning some days and sitting at my desk is horrible. There are days it just hurts to walk. He said that has nothing to do with cancer. How funny cuz last spring at the age of 39 I felt more like 19. Most days I now feel like I'm 90 and I will only be 41 the end of October. (

fightinhrd123 · September 2010

Can you ask your new onc for a PET scan? That should put your mind at ease about your back. I have back pain too, quite often, but it comes and goes, so I had a PET and it was negative, or maybe she could give you a bone scan?

Racquel · September 2010

I think I will ask her about a scan once the biopsy is done. It literally hurts to touch my front and forget about ANY pressure to my back. The bf thought he was being funny last week and held me down tickling me. Imagine his surprise when I burst into tears because it hurt. I know he felt bad and it wasnt his fault but geez it really hurt.

Racquel · September 2010

I just hate looking like (and worse yet, feeling like) a hypochondriac. Wouldn't the MRI I had a couple weeks ago have picked up anything?

fightinhrd123 · September 2010

I'm not sure where they did the MRI. Was it just on your breast? I wouldnt worry about looking like a hypocondriac until you feel you have the answers you need, and can live without worrying your cancer is back. Trust me ive done that, and its miserable I would imagine your fine, i have all kinds of backache still from treatment two years ago, but your mind is a powerful thing, and i would want that put at rest

Laura

xoxox

Racquel · October 2010

Well, there won't be a biopsy. Surgeon called this afternoon to tell me that he and the rad discussed it and it's too risky. Apparently they feel it's too close to the implant and the vein to put a needle in. I am so tired of crying. He said the rad doesn't feel that it's anything except benign. They told me the same thing last year. Didn't "think" it was anything except a cyst. Don't know where to go from here.

Racquel · October 2010

MRI they did was just the breast and sides of my chest. The rad that looked at those (at different hospital) said he couldn't rule out that it wasn't of concern and suggested the US and biopsy.

kellyj · October 2010

Racquel,

I had the same thing. A lump on top of my implant with a large vein running through it. My general surgeon did an excisional biopsy in the outpatient OR. It was cancer even though they all were debating wether or not it was anything at all. We all ended up quite shocked. Keep fighting for the biopsy.

Kelly

fightinhrd123 · October 2010

I agree. keep fighting for the biopsy, has you onc seen the report?

Racquel · October 2010

Kelly -- was that your initial DX or mets?

My onc's office called Monday to say it's "nothing". I still kept the appt I had with the surgeon. I guess I'm not really sure what to do now. I'd been doing well for quite a while ... lots of energy, felt awesome and not a care in the world. The past couple of months though I've gotten so drained and horribly sore. Part of me wants to say screw it -- it is what it is and if it's anything I'll let it run it's course until the doc takes me seriously. The other part of me says I've got 2 kids that need a mom and take a chance on the biopsy. I'd been doing well for a while but over past couple months have gotten so horribly sore and drained. I fall asleep at my desk. I have little to no energy and just sitting at my desk hurts. This isn't normal.

LRM216 · October 2010

I understand only too well the part of you that says "screw it - it is what it is," but then I don't want to see you drive yourself crazy either. Maybe take your scans, etc. to someone else for a second opinion? I just don't want to see you continue to hurt - physically - and emotionally - over this. Certainly there has to be someone out there that can tell you something more definitive than what they are saying now. Going through all this emotional crap can drain you too, no wonder you're so tired. Follow your gut - go with what you can most comfortably live with and not continue to beat yourself up - and for God's sake - don't even think you are a hypochondriac- you most assuredly are NOT. Unfortunately, for each and every one of us on this site, no matter what our stats may be - worrying about anything we feel is now a normal part of our life. It stinks.

Keeping you in my thoughts and sending all good positive vibes.

Linda

Racquel · October 2010

Linda -- It just really sucks. I've had 2 docs now tell me "cancer doesn't hurt". Bloody hell it did. As it is I put off going to the doc for over 6 weeks. This crap has been going on now for going on 3 months. I took a look again today at the MRI and it said something about "showed washout". After doing some reading today I learned that when a mass has a washout with the dye that's a sign of malignancy NOT being benign. I'm calling the place that did my MRI on Monday to see if I can't talk with one of the radiologists and get an opinion. I've told only 2 of my closest friends. Both said get the biopsy. My mother thinks I should have the implants removed. The node with the mass is 3 mm from implant. I'm so wiped out ... physically and emotionally. I've tripped down the steps at my apartment twice in the past couple weeks. Tuesday of this week I wiped out on the sidewalk going to my car ... landed on tailbone and back. Just don't know how much more I can take. Got my son this weekend and I've got all I can do to not sit here and cry when I look at him.

kellyj · October 2010

Racquel,

Mine was a recurrence, no mets. I had BMX done in 2007. The implants make it rather easy to detect lumps. Not a lot of tissue between them and the skin. I know I said this earlier, but I would continue to press for the biopsy. If the scan was inconclusive, I don't see why that wouldn't be their logical next step. You would be a lot less stressed knowing one way or another. Good luck and keep us posted.

Kelly

davisfamily70 · October 2010

Racquel,

I had a BMX with implants in 2006 they exchanged my saline implants for silicon about 2 years ago-before I had the exchange those saline implants were so hard that half the time I couldn't catch my breath, and my back ached. Also, it was weird but every once in a while my chest muscles would cramp up around those saline implants and it would be terrible.

When you have that chronic pain it is so hard to concentrate, and then you cannot sleep because you are exhausted. I stopped making tea, and hard boiled eggs because I never remembered them on the stove. I would avoid chatting with co-workers because I could not remember their names-I have worked at the same place for 25 years.

The silicone implants made a world of difference for me.

Prior to the exchange with the more flexible implants I had to have the implants removed at least twice because of infection-both times- I had the infection treated and then had them replaced.

I guess what I am trying to tell you is that they are implants-so if they have to be removed-temporarily- they can be reimplanted. In fact my PS told me that the silicone implants are only rated to last about 5 years.

I have to agree with Kelly-press on for the biopsy and if they have to remove the implants to get it-then good-you will be under general anethesia and it won't hurt. Then give your self some time with out implants and see if they are not what is causing you so much pain. You may have to go a little smaller-

The important thing is that the biopsy will be negative (I am optimistic) and you will be at peace again. Call and have the mri results explained to you,my oncologist warned me though that MRI is new technology and that the results are only as good as the person reading them.

Also your back pain may still be aggravated or caused by the tamoxofin-those SEs are killer.

Hang in there kiddo, we are all praying for you .

Racquel · October 2010

I met with the US rad yesterday and he said that after he'd spoken to the rad that did the MRI that it got changed to benign. He said he'd biopsy for peace of mind -- said he still doesn't believe it's anything and I reminded him that they told me the same thing last year -- but too risky. He said the way they look doesn't seem to be anything. I asked about the washout (benign doesn't wash out, malignancy does) and he said "could be" but probably isn't. Then he said "if you were my family member I'd suggest a second opinion" ??? He walked me to med records to get copies of US's, then I got all my doc notes since last April and am getting disk of MRI. He said he suggests I send them all to Mayo Clinic because they are specialists. He said I could also send them to the university. I text a very good (male) friend to ask what he'd do if I was his other half. He said first he'd have never let me wait as long as I did and that he'd have my butt in the car going to Rochester pronto. Mayo Clinic won't be covered by insurance so I'll need to wait until next month when I'll (hopefully) be able to afford it. I just need some peace of mind because this has been hanging over me. I've got scabs on my legs and NO CLUE where they've come from. My back is killing me no matter how much I go to the chiro and last Tuesday I fell (again) and really did a number on my ankle. A week later and I'm still swollen and hobbling along. I just want this all to end. I want my life back. It seems as though the littlest things bruise me and I look like I've gone through a battle.

My US is tomorrow :(

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