Starting Chemo April 2009

Lena..why don't you tell us how you really feel?  Ha ha!  Anyway..this is why we are here..to sound off.and say what we "quote" "fucking" feel....that is how it should be..while we may not totally agree...oh whatever..blah.blah blah. it is late and I'm tired too!

I'm thinking of getting some of that Wellbrutin stuff...does it really work?  Can you still think clearly?  I need to be able to do that with my job..and drive too...last time I took an anti-depressant I turned into a zombie..I don't want that..it was like I was floating above my body....it was weird...I want to feel normal but happy..yeah..that would be good...

And Lena..if you start that thread about freaking warriors and such I will be right there with you!

HHappy Holidays to our Jewish friends..I'm not Jewish but have friends (including you Helen) that are... 

Umm..Helen..I'm being a little bad here but since you are a Principal...well "i is before e except after c...

Hi all, sorry that I haven't been on for a few days, I was also very busy with the family and the New Year. I feel like I never want to eat again! I felt overweight before, but now .........

Lena - I love to read your posts and your frankness is amazing to me.

I feel like I could do with a lift, but am nervous to take anything in case I become dependent on it. Not sure what to do - the skies are grey today and that does not help me.

Anyway, must run, will write again soon.

Hugs to you all!

Judy x

Pam..oh how I wish I had words of wisdom!  But what we have here is women that are going through the same trials as you...and we can talk easily to each other because of this.  I'm sure that none of our lives are 'perfect besides the stupid breast cancer. 

My DD has been having lightheadedness and some chest pains..she is only 22....I sometimes think she is having this because of ME..I feel guilty about that.  She went to the doctor several times this past summer..nothing...I don't know what to do...

Oh gosh, I really should be going for my exercise walk or doing something I "should" be doing towards the move....but OK I'll finish my coffee first and write a post here while drinking it.

Titan -- To answer your questions about Wellbutrin --  yes my energy and "drive" to get things done came back, and as far as I know, it hasn't turned me into a zombie -- the chemo and aromasin already did THAT. I can think clearly for short bursts but I have to write everything down so I don't forget, and I'm scatterbrained (not as severe as the onion in the dirty coffee cup and running out of the apartment building after having left my keys in the entryway mailbox incidents while having chemo but that TYPE of scatterbrained); my focus, attention span and short term memory are still screwed up but I think it's more the fault of residual chemo brain and a side effect of the Aromasin (which, as you all know, is for me almost as bad as the chemo and yes memory issues are one of the recognized side effects of AIs/estrogen deprivation and back to this again, dopamine deficiency brought on by estrogen deprivation). But in any case, I AM sure the Wellbutrin has made a difference/has lifted the depression at least to a point (hopefully the increase in dosage will actually make me feel like Me again), even if I still have all the other SEs of Aromasin. But, I digress. I know there are other antidepressants besides Wellbutrin; it's just that Wellbutrin is the only one I'm willing to take because it's the only one that doesn't have sexual side effects. (more on that when we get to Pam here)...hahaha, I still don't have time to write that "I'm NOT a fucking warrior!" thread yet, but glad to know you'll be "with me" if/when I do. I'll probably put it in the Stage IV forum though.....

Helen -- Oh, OK, so you just got your Wellbutrin dosage increased too? I don't notice any differences yet though. I wonder if it takes a few weeks for a dosage increase to take effect like it does to begin to feel the effects of the drug when you first start it....glad you had a happy holiday, and hope you're able to fix the hip pain!  :-O

Judy -- wow, didn't know you were Jewish, sorry I didn't wish you a happy new year sooner, hope you'll take a belated one. Happy new year, and wow, yeah, sounds like you did overeat a bit.... um, regarding your comment about my "frankness" I can't help but ask: are you so accustomed to lies that you find it "amazing" when you encounter someone who tells the truth? :-| Mmmm, well maybe I shouldn't be surprised, our society seems built more and more on image over substance, marketing, advertising, game playing, manipulation, putting on shows and "spin doctoring" . . . . . .which kinda has to bring me to Amy here: 

AMY! :-O This has GOT to be one of the most outrageous examples of "spin doctoring" I have seen since former President Bush decided he had to justify the war on Iraq to the American public by accusing Saddam Hussein of having weapons of mass destruction! Saying I'M "leading us all" with a "huge courageous decision" to move -- are you for real?!?!?!?  My decision to move was simply nothing more than an act of desperation to be closer to the love of my life for the little amount of semi tolerable time I have left (i.e. whatever I have walking-and-talking time prior to the onset of diapers and drool at which point I plan to off myself) before I die of metastatic breast cancer (a year and a half or so down, maybe 3 and a half or so more to go tops); and because I can no longer handle this all completely alone anymore! That's all it is! Desperation motivated by weakness and FEAR! Be real willya and cut the spin!

Life is only PRECIOUS in my opinion if it can actually be LIVED FULLY. I have not been able to live really fully since 1993, and obviously it got a lot worse in 2009 with this illness, and unless my new doctors turn out to be miracle doctors who not only pay attention to me and take me seriously, but can make all these side effects go away, well let's just say my days are really numbered because I may end up deciding to go off the aromasin just to get my brain back and stop hurting so much if only for a last short blast. 

Pam -- last year I was depressed on chemo and the psychiatrist started me on Lexapro,. Yes, it helped my depression fast -- I felt noticeably better after about a week on it, BUT it totally screwed me up (pun intended LOL) sexually (i.e., took forever to reach orgasm and when I did finally get there, it was "blunted"), so I stopped it. After finishing chemo the depression was either gone or sporadic (when something sad happened or I'd think about how it was going to take forever for my hair to grow back to where I LIKE it, I would feel depressed for a bit but it would pass) -- until this year when I was put on AIs and while I didn't have nausea or more hair loss or the nasty taste in my mouth, the cognitive deficits and depression which seemed to be healing at least a little came back and got almost as bad as chemo plus getting joint pain and neuropathy which I DIDN'T have during chemo...so I did more research on antidepressants, thinking if I could control the depression maybe I'd be able to tolerate the painful AI SEs better? and found out all the antidepressants except for Wellbutrin can have those same, and for me, completely intolerable sexual side effects after that, so if ultimately the Wellbutrin doesn't work for me and I have to go off it, I go off the Aromasin too, since THAT'S what made me this depressed and brain dead this year. And if I go off the Aromasin, so far as I know now, my cancer -- which the chemo reduced but did not eradicate --  will progress and kill me. But at least I'll get some last time to be Me again before the Ultimate Final Decline starts and I have to off myself.

Well okay speaking of frickin brain dead  yup this is just as bad as chemo -- nice long expressive post took me almost 3 hours to write..........gotta go.

Be as well as you can....

~Lena. 

Amy - I back you up all the way! I think that all the combined steps that you, Lena are taking to change your life are very courageous. I say this as someone who is finding cooking a meal challenging at times.

Lena - I would not say that I am used to being lied to, but I love the way that you write as you think and just let it flow. It gives us a sense of what is really going on with you. Even when people are being honest, they are sometimes guarded in the way that they express themselves. I am originally from the UK, where people are not usually quite so open and expressive, so yes, I appreciate your postings. Also, it is never too late to send someone New Year wishes - so thank you for that

Pam - I have to agree with Amy, that it is very hard for anyone who has not gone through this to really understand how it affects us and sometimes, I am screaming both inside and out with frustration that the people close to me think that everything is back to normal when they don't realize that I am not even close. I have given up trying to explain myself as the stress can be too much for me. That is why it is so amazing to come here and be amongst people who know what I am talking about. This is a great way for me to express myself. I try and accept the fact that this is my new normal, but it is very hard sometimes. I wish you all the best in sorting out your issues at home.

Titan - I am sorry that your are worried about your daughter. Do you think it may be stress related? Has she tried anything alternative such as acupuncture? Has the doc ruled out everything that may be a cause for worry? I am sure that it is not your fault. Even if it is a backlash of your BC, that is still not your fault. I think that all of our family members need to work through the BC in their own way, it has affected all of those around us.

Geri - missing you! Hope you are ok.

Alaina - hope you are continuing to feel better every day.

Helen - sending hugs your way!

Back to work now, take care all and have a good day,

Hugs to all, Judy x

Titan - how worrisome about your daughter. At 22, they should be worried about a whole set of OTHER things (clothes, boys).  The only advice I have is maybe to make a time chart of when the events (lightheadedness/chest pains) occur so that maybe you can find a pattern. It is possible she can be hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) which can cause lightheadedness when blood sugar is too low. You know how young girls don't eat right, skip meals etc. Wouldn't it be lovely if it was something as simple as that?  If you can show the doctor some sort of pattern of when these things occur (even if it is totally random), maybe that will help them find a direction to pursue.  Also, if there is ANY alcohol/drug use involved, PLEASE tell her not to be embarassed but to level with the doctor. Marijuana has been known to affect heart rates (and certainly can cause lightheadedness, too).  Not assuming anything here - but being 22 - well, it might be worth mentioning to her.

And yes, I would go IN with her.  Even in our situations (as adults), it has been so good to have another set of ears there to absorb what we might miss. Even more true for her, being young -  with you there, she is more likely to get answers and push the doctor a little if they blow her off too quickly.

Please update us when you have more info.

Judy - thanks for the compliment. I guess I've always had a problem-solving temperment. Lots of friends & people in my world come to me for advice & help in making decisions. However - I have never been compared to George Bush before - only LENA did that!!!

Anyway, re therapy - I think you have to PUSH for the tools/strategies/problem solving approach or else sometimes in therapy you can just talk about stuff but in a non-targeted way. That can give you short term relief (sometimes) but not really any improved skills to deal with the things that are bothering you.  I think I shared here that before I started taking Tamox, I was SO SCARED (from the stuff I read on the Tamox thread) that I would turn into a raving b&(#^h that I made my husband come to the therapist with me and PRACTICE what we would do if that happened.  They BOTH thought I was nuts but it was immensely reassuring for me to have some sort of a plan in place in case that happened - some tools and a framework to be able to deal with it.

So, as an example, you've mentioned that you get easily overwhelmed when you have multiple tasks or a big job (like packing for vaca).  You could work out a plan on how to deal with that situation - take notes, make it very specific, break it down in steps, etc., and then try it out and see if it helps ease the problem.  That is the kind of therapy that is helpful to me. I never found it all that helpful to just talk about problems, they always seem like they're still sitting there the exact same way as before we talked about them!  But maybe that's just me.

So I guess the process I explained above is what I would define as  'working through the issues.'  Giving you SPECIFIC tools/skills/plans to help you get stronger and deal better with the stuff that is hard for you.

That's my 2 cents worth anyway. Good luck! NONE of this is easy.

Hi all,

Thanks for missing me

This is a quicky, but I didn't want you to think anything was wrong.  Started back to full time last week, and while nice to take another step forward, I am exhausted when I get home at night.  My job involves a lot of critical thinking skills and problem-solving, and with chemo brain ( oh Titan, I wish mine would lift!) it is so tiring.  My computer has also been giving me trouble and I'm going to have to bring it in for diagnosis.... ggggggrrrrrrr.

Good luck with your daughters appointment Titan - hope it turns out to be something minor and easily corrected.

To everyone else - I have to run...work today at another branch so need to leave earlier than usual.  Will try to write more over the weekend.

Geri

Titan, I think the scariest thing for us, as mothers, is when our children (grown or little) don't feel well. Nice that she wants you with her. You must have a wonderful relationship.

Judy, sorry you are feeling so "down". I think many of us feel the same as you. I'm still going to therapy and I find it helpful. Although I still feel sad about my losses, I am finding that the Wellbutrin is making it much easier to get through each day. For me, drugs, were the right way to go.

Work is extremely busy but at this point, except for the few unhappy parents, things are going well and I'm enjoying working with a new group of principals. But it does keep me away from the computer so I can't check in as often.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Good afternoon all, just passing through quickly today.

Hope everyone has a good weekend and is feeling good today.

Titan - how did it go yesterday? Alaina - how are you feeling? To everyone else, take good care.

Hugs to all, will come by again soon, Judy xxx

Hi all....

Sorry Amy, I didn't mean to compare you to GWB, just the spin doctors who were able to rile up American support of that war.

Well I don't see any logical reason for this kind of panic because most of the work concerning the move is DONE -- 80% of my stuff is already in NH in my Pack Rat's nest, and half of the 20% still here is all boxed up and ready to go. Utilities (including high speed internet) are set to go on at the new place on 10/1 (even though it turns out we won't be getting there till 10/2), and all I have to do here is one more onc visit/get meds if necessary), send out a couple of letters I already wrote for 9/30, close my bank account so I can bring the money up there (I opened a checking acct in NH when I was up there), tell Verizon and PSE&G to "shut me off on 10/2 and send the last bill to me at [NH address]" the day before I leave. Plus spend a couple days finishing the last boxes...wanted to get a start on them this week but can't seem to get motivated and focused on it due to the constant anxiety and I'm panicking, but it's not because I regret doing this, I know it'll be so much better there in the new place and closer to my Pack Rat and this place is actually giving me the creeps now so I can't WAIT to get out! Well I hope you got over your panic and the trip went OK.

Titan -- wasn't your daughter supposed to go to the doctor? How did that turn out?

Helen and Judy -- I might start seeing a therapist after I move too....how are you feeling?

Alaina, are you around? How are you feeling?

Good to hear you're OK but busy, Geri. I guess that must also apply to Betsy, what with her home improvement stuff....?

Oh, guess what! 15 pounds down, 15 to go! I'm now at the stage of still being too fat for my skinny clothes, but too skinny for the fat clothes! Well, that's OK. And maybe that's something GOOD about the nonstop anxiety attacks -- my appetite is way down, since Monday or Tuesday. Yes, I eat every day, but a LOT less, and it's not hard at all to keep to my diet. Still walking every day too. Sometimes that takes the edge off a little. I'd walk more except my body is still not up to it -- can feel "something weird" starting slightly in that right leg after I do my two laps around the lake so I'm not even trying to do more...I don't want to hurt myself right before the move (can you say "mysterious leg injury which needs oxycodone level pain relief and outright cripples me for 3 weeks")?

OK, guess I'll get going. Feel well, everyone!

~Lena 

Amy, I am not sure if you will read this as you left already this morning, but your anxiety is completely understandable. I flew in Feb and found the lead up to it difficult. I took my eldest with me and she was wonderful. Sometimes the insecurities just come out of nowhere, and it is fine. I hope that your few days are producive and look forward to hearing from you when you get back.

Lena - I always love to hear your news. Thanks for asking after me. I am having good days and bad days. I am hoping the therapy will help me in time. Today, we had a huge meltdown at home when I was just fed up of everyone doing their own merry thing and leaving me to all the "domestic" stuff. I just went crazy and was screaming like a mad woman! I am at a complete loss at how to make everyone here wake up and see that I find things very difficult. But on a lighter note, great news on the weight loss!

Titan - how is your daughter feeling? I am pleased to hear that the doc is going to pursue all the options, I just hope that it does not create too much stress for you all. Please keep us posted.

Scarey about the tornadoe! I didn't hear anything about it at all.

That's it from me now. I will come by again soon. Hugs to all, including those not mentioned individually.

Judy x

Titan - I completely understand where you are coming from. I am trying to explain to my loved ones, that they can also come forward to offer their help and not just wait to be asked. Unfortunately, sometimes, it is easier for me to just do something before I ask someone else to do it. I should really work on that.

Although, sometimes, I am so tired, that I just let them do it and don't even pay attention.

Is there any way you can make things a little easier on yourself over the next couple of weeks? Take out? Share the load? I hope that you don't overdo it.

Lena - you had me crying with laughter here at work today - they may come to take me away too! Thank you for brightening up my day!!!

Betsy - so good to hear from you! I hope the PT goes ok for you. Enjoy your new kitchen!

Alaina - are you doing ok? Hope so. Geri, Amy, Helen and everyone else, take care of yourselves and come by when you can.

Hugs to you all, Judy x

Titan - the Ducks are ranked # 5, I think OSU is # 2 or 3. It should be a good year. We haven't had a TV for 2.5 months and frankly I didn't miss it. But now that we have it back I am enjoying it.

PT went great today. I think my DH felt like he was under pressure to perform, he did just fine. Now if I can just get the swelling down. I need to work out tomorrow that really helps control the swelling. Amy & Lena...you two are my inspiration.

It's late and I'm tired. More later.

Betsy