This makes me feel terrible...anyone else?

Whew!  I thought I was the only one experiencing this.  I've had to deal with these feeling for a long time, and feel so very bad about it.  Sometimes I wonder if the person can sense my underlying emotion, even though I'm overjoyed at their good news.  I think we need a psychiatrist to help us figure this one out ... LOL

I can totally relate to your feelings. When others tell me that because of me they take more precautions or that they have had a lump and it has turned out o.k., I just feel even more unfairely treated. I also don't wish my friends any bad news, but at the same time I cannot help but feel totally envious and jealous that they have drawn the good cards and I have drawn the death one.

OMG!!!  All this time I thought I was the ONLY person who felt that way.  THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR POSTING THIS!!!

I don't want anyone else to have to deal with bc but when I get people calling to say, "Thank God it's not breast cancer" it makes me feel annoyed and alone.  I always act happy for them, and I am in a way, but I feel cheated that it did not work out that way for me.  It feels unfair that I am the one who has had to deal with breast cancer and everything that comes along with it. 

There is not one other person who I have discussed this with because it makes me seem like a horrible person.  That's the thing.  I'm actually a very nice person. I just can't seem to understand why it was ME of all the people I know.  I mean, I play by the rules, I am a good friend, a good mom and wife, etc. 

So, there you have it.  My confession along with the rest of you.  Not sure what to do with it but there it is. 

I guess it's our dirty little secret.  I had two friends in the last 3 months have suspicious mammograms, that were followed with biopsies.  They both turned to me for advice and support, which I gave and when they got the "all clear" and said thank goodness it's not cancer I was hurt. 

Sure, who but all of us could help but understand.  I wouldn't wish this beast on my worst enemy; however, it does sting when everyone else immediately goes back to the lives they know with good news.  Such is life.

DITTO to all these posts!  I was at the cancer center with my DH yesterday, and met a lady there who was going through treatment for Stage 1 BC.  When I told here I had been Stage III, she replied, "Oh, you bad girl." and went on imply that I was stage III because I didn't act on it or something.  I used to be very annoyed by that, but yesterday I just responded, "Actually, it wasn't anything I did.  The lump showed up before my 40th Bday and before my first mammo." 

I get annoyed at anyone that implies you must have done something wrong to be diagnosed at a later stage.  I realize that just shows people's ignorance, but it really annoys me to have to explain how BC is a crapshoot, and that early detection doesn't catch them all!

I've been battling with several bouts of skin mets. It was so bad that they were all over my right breast and as large as lemons. My breast was mutilated. The pain, bleeding and foul odor was so horrifying and depressing that, after almost two years of this crap, I gave up being Pollyanna. I started questioning God's goodness and power, and wondered whether there was even a God. I asked my church leaders some taboo questions. I stopped trying to put on a happy facade and praise God everytime I went to church or cell group gatherings. It was just too hard. One day, my cell group leader asked me to lead the group in prayer and I just couldn't do it. You should have seen the shock on his face.

My church believes in Jesus' healing  and is convinced that the reason healing has not manifested in my body is because I lack faith. They also think that I'm disobedient and a bad influence on everyone because I ask difficult questions. Interestingly, some cell group members actually thanked me for my honesty during sharing time because I spoke about things they were afraid to mention themselves. My cell group leader didn't appreciate my candour though. He dropped me from the cell group like I was a hot potato. I was completely cut off - no emails, no inclusion in cell group activities etc.

A couple of ladies from the church occasionally contact me, but that's it. Everyone else avoids me like the plague. When I needed my church the most, they failed me, all because I couldn't keep up playing Pollyanna. I don't attend church anymore, and I'm really mad at God. Dare I say it? I've even been doubting whether he exists. There, I've said it!

What really hurts is that I used to be active in church, serving in several ministries, and tithing regularly. Even today, I willingly do whatever I can for anyone who needs help. But now that I'm no longer a poster girl, I've become a pariah. Isn't it unfair to expect people like us to be perky and postive all the time?

chillipad; I am so sorry for your situation!  Jesus reached out to the sick; he never treated them as pariahs.      He cured a few people; but wasn't able to cure every leper!       sorry if I sound cavalier but that's the kind of relationship I have with Jesus.        He carries me thru the dark hours; but He also gets my jokes.  No, I am not psychotic.     I just have a very different interpretation of Jesus (compared to your church)      

Two points b/f they are out of my head.  #1 I have to admit that when I hear someone has died, I immediately think "were they a smoker?" (or whatever)   It's a way to defend myself against the possibility that it could happen to me.  Deep down, I still want to believe that there is some way I can ward off death from any illness.  I have control issues.        So I look to blame the deceased.  so there is my confession.    #2      I'm 7 yrs out so I have a different perspective.   I hang around b/c I want you ladies to hear from those of us who have made it.  there are many of us; but we don't have the need to go online.     I am handicapped (born with huge varicosities) so I have some time on my hands.           anyway,  for the first few yrs I kept asking "Why me?' until that changed to "why not me?"              there is so much sufferering in this world.   Innocent little children born into a life of poverty or abuse.     Why not me?                            

 I have walked in your shoes-still do when I have a scare of recurrence- so I understand all your thoughts and feelings.          A kind neighbor helped me so much when I went thru chemo.  took over my car-pooling assignment etc.   since then, she has died.          I spent two yrs time worrying that I would die.  Who knew?          

Has anybody had this thought -- "at least I ONLY had breast cancer" ??  Yes, it was scary and had the possibility (still does!) of killing me, BUT as somebody else said about losing a breast "you don't breathe with it, eat with it, pee with it, poop with it -- it just sits there." 

lauri, for me it isn't losing my breasts.  Yes, I would rather have the originals than the implants but that is not the source of my angst with only having breast cancer.  It's the fear of recurrence, the fear of mets.  It's the Lymphedema.  It's heart damage and kidney damage.  It's the permanent loss of most of my hair.  It's the fear of other cancers as a result of the treatments I had and still have.  It's the permanent muscle fatigue, thyroid damage, skin sensitivities.  The list goes on.  If I only had to deal with losing my breasts, I would say, at least I ONLY had breast cancer.

lauri, i do understand what you mean. i have often thought, at least i got cancer in a part of my body that i can live without. i miss my breasts too but i have sortof adopted the motto, sometimes you have to cut off some branches to save the tree. (hopefully it worked). there was never any doubt for me that i could die of this and that i was doing my best to save my life by having my mastectomies. it would be alot harder, i think, like lisa says, if i hadn't had that conviction. i do feel terrible for all of us and also SO terrible for people with pancreatic cancer, or lung cancer, etc. it's all awful really.