Chemo June 2010
Comments
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sandiddstn...Good for you! Being done with Taxol is a great milestone. And good news about your MUGA. We are all thrilled for you and hope that you can sit back and relax and enjoy your trip to see your daughter. Safe travels.
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Kaycee, sorry to hear about your troubles. Do you have any symptoms of the pulmonary problems and how did they diagnose it? I hope it resolves quickly for you.
Sandiddstn, I can totally relate to looking in the mirror at that stranger who has aged so much in the last few months and rarely smiles anymore.
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I've been lurking the past week but not posting. Very down in the dumps which gets worse closer to next treatment. Last Taxol was horrible. Family and friends just not stepping up as I would have expected so I'm feeling let down - except for my husband. Thank God for him. He's wonderful!!
I'm with you on the stranger in the mirror too. Eyelashes are thinning and I'm so sick of seeing this bald old woman every morning. Why is it when I physically start feeling better that I mentally start falling apart?
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Donna,
I've been feeling down too. Today was a rough one. I just need this to be over and get my life back. I'm sorry the taxol has been tough on you.
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Jenmarie9 - thanks for the empathy (is that the right word?). Sorry you had a rough day. I so want my life back too....
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Yes, I feel the same way about the person in the mirror. I've had my 7th Taxol and my strength,determination and good spirits are dropping. Its hard not to give in to feeling weak and pitiful. I'm in the Avastin/placebo trial and get either the Avastin or a placebo every three weeks, and I do feel like I've been hit by a truck in the week after the possible Avastin treatment. I want my life back too.
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mitymuffin,workermom,mimi9186,Sandiddstn...I took a long look in the mirror this morning and just started to cry. I guess that's therapeutic since throughout all of this I honestly haven't cried, except when my Mom was so sick. But today I cried for the loss of ME...where did I go? Who IS that looking back at me from the mirror? Surely, it can't be me. The mirror image is bald, with dark circles, a round face and body, and no smile. I don't want to go out of the house anymore. I just want a hide out. And that's not ME. This disease has turned me into a totally different person. I want ME and my live back. Have written off 2010 as a lost year. Keep telling myself that by next summer, things will be better.
Last week a friend sent me a plaque that reads "If I have to pull up my big girl panties and deal with it one more time, the elastic is going to break and I really will have to show my ass". Now I'm proactively looking for a safety pin to keep them up if and when the elastic goes.
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Oh my sisters, I am so sorry we are all strugglig with the beast but please remember none of of us are in this alone! We can do it! Please keep your eyes and chins up and push on. We need to remember "when you are going through hell keep on going cuz you might get out before the devil even knows you are there". Let's pretend we are holding hands and pulling each other along.
We haven't lost ourselves - we are still there. When we get to the other side we are going to find ourselves again. We will be stronger and we will be SURVIVORS!
I am sending out big HUGS to everyone of you today!
Hugs,
Jackie
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Yes Jackie, we must hold hands and pull together. We will emerge stronger....somehow.
After feeling so pitiful this morning, I gave myself a pep talk ("when the going gets tough, the tough get going" etc.) and went to a Pilates class. I came home feeling stronger!
Bon, I'm sure you have that safety pin attatched where you need it. I think we all need it. Do get out and exercise, however you can.
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sandiddstn, dont worry about the red devil, its about a 10 minute infusion and u pee pink two or three times, drink water while there so you pee all the pink out before you leave,everyone is different but for me there were no side effects just tired, stay on top of your meds i took compazine for three days after then i was tired, i didnt want to eat and i had a metal taste in my mouth i found it easier to take an ativan when the fatigue really hit so i could sleep through it, it will be ok!! 4 times, you can do it and we are here to help you...dont worry...i have my 4th taxol on monday, thinking of you all
love Chey
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yes, im not me anymore, i want me back!!! will i ever be back? will we ever be back? i hate the mirror!!! i hate the cancer i used to have!!!!!! we all feel the same this week,
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My sister told me that at the end of chemo she looked like a thumb - no hair, brows or lashes. Plus, she had orbs on her chest! Now I know what she means. I've lost a good portion of my lashes and brows (more on one side than the other - another sick chemo joke). I got a new wig and I've been playing around with my makeup. I'm going to the MAC counter today to see if they have any new colors or something to camouflauge my lashlessness (is that a word).
I get so amped up on the steroids, I can't sleep Tuesday - Thursday. By Friday I am a big crab!!! Last night I tried on the dress for my sister's wedding. All I could do was cry. It looked okay on me - my mom and DH loved it. I have 4 other dresses I ordered and they won't get here until Tuesday. The dress I got has a 3 day return policy, so I have to make a decision without seeing the others. My chemo brain could not process this decision!!! So, I'm going to the mall today and getting some Spanx and I'll figure it out!
We have to keep fighting this and remember that even though we LOOK different, we are all BEAUTIFUL inside and out!!
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Oh my sweet brave sisters!
Bon, workmother, jenmarie, mitymuffin, I know how hard it is to look at yourselves and see this "transformation". You all know how you used to look and it is so different. I was just thinking that actually it is a wonderful thing that none of us have met face-to-face. We have been given the priviledge of knowing each other truly, the really important stuff. No pre-conceived ideas from looks, styles, fashion. I guess it's like that weird show "dating in the dark" where people get to know each other in a pitch dark room! I know it doesn't matter, but I could care less what any of you look like. You have all given me so much comfort and support and courage. that's the important stuff. You will all heal, get healthy and get back to looking like your old selves. This won't last forever, I promise.
Bon- Love your friend's big girl panty quote. Just let me know if you need more safety pins, if that doesn't work, duct tape sticks the world together!
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Grneyd5600...I'm imagining a giant circle of bald women, holding hands and singing "I'm a Survivor!" I'm keeping my eye on the prize and that safety pin handy. Next summer is ours!
Kittycat...You will be beautiful in whatever dress you wear. I know that a bit of sleep and a few days without steroids will make a world of difference for you.
Chey...we will all make it through together. Some days are just more difficult than others.
Mitymuffin...today's exercise is cleaning the house. Tomorrow is that long awaited walk on the beach!
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my eyelashes are almost gone and my eyebrows are thinning, mine are really thick so i hope i want lose them all, i dont like my wig anymore and cant imagine wearing it for another year! its my sons 10 b day tomorrow (sunday) and i have nothing ready for it, the house is trashed, ive not shopped for food for the party, but i did manage to get the cake ordered, my sis comes tonite so maybe ill feel better about things when she is here, not looking forward to chemo on monday! i really am feeling better, i know it does not sound like it now but my depression is under control, i guess we are all a lil tired and need a break from cancer and mirriors,
Dmom, can you try one more time clicking those beautiful ruby slippers, maybe we all can wake up from this bad dream
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Grneyd5600...I'm imagining a giant circle of bald women, holding hands and singing "I'm a Survivor!" I'm keeping my eye on the prize and that safety pin handy. Next summer is ours!
Kittycat...You will be beautiful in whatever dress you wear. I know that a bit of sleep and a few days without steroids will make a world of difference for you.
Chey...we will all make it through together. Some days are just more difficult than others.
Mitymuffin...today's exercise is cleaning the house. Tomorrow is that long awaited walk on the beach!
DesignerMom...Keep that roll of duct tape handy!
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cheyenna- You really are sounding so much better. Guess what, your son doesn't care if the house is perfect, food is perfect etc...My 11 YO is pretty oblivious to most of that. Just celebrate and enjoy each other. When he makes his wish and blows out the candles, you make one too!
I don't think I'll have to click my ruby slippers as the Good Witch of the East (your sweet sister) is arriving and will work magic! I'm so glad she is there again for you.
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Hi Everyone,This is my first post, but I have gained so much from reading about your experiences and really appreciate this board. I have a couple of questions for folks:I start 4 rounds of TC this Monday. I have a history of allergies including allergic reactions to some drugs. I met with an allergy specialist who works with chemo patients and he recommended that I do a "slow drip" for the chemo. I am also considering reducing first dose by 10% just to be sure that I tolerate it reasonably well. My questions are as follows: 1) for those who have done a slow drip, how long did it take per drug? I am risk adverse so I am looking for info on what is the longest, reasonable timeframe. 2) has anyone backed down the first dose by 10% or some such number and then taken the rest according to the protocol? If so, can you explain your reasons and how your onc felt about it. I hope that everyone is having a fine day despite chemoland. Also, how do you put in the tag with your diagnosis so that it just shows up every time?thanks, Beau Diagnosis: June/10, IDC, 2.1cm, grade 2, 0/3 nodes ER+/PR- Herz2-
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Hi Beau:
I get Taxol every 2 weeks and they slow drip it - that's just the way they do it. The first two times it took about 4 to 4-1/2, because they also dripped Benadryl and steroids. The last time, they cut back on the steroids and I took the Benadryl orally so it was more like 3 to 3-1/2 hours. But if you have allergies, they will probably want you to do steroids and Benadryl to the max,but talk to your onc.
Ladies - sorry everyone is so glum. I am getting my LAST chemo this week, so even though I look like Uncle Fester (but who looks in the mirror, anyway?), my skin is like sandpaper, my hands and feet tingle like crazy, and the spring and summer were a total loss - I am reallly happy to be coming to the end of this phase. By the way, I recommend Smashbox's eyebrow makeup and MAC has a good liner. I plan to celebrate next weekend! Toni
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Re: Eyebrows: The Anastatia Brow Ex-press (sold by Sephora) works well. It has a waxy part that you brush on and the color sticks to that, and stencils. I think I read about it in someone else's post.
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Beau-Welcome. I did not have TC but was scared silly about having an allergic reaction to chemo. Many years ago I worked as a nurse so had seen some very serious allergic reactions. When I arrived for my first chemo I interrogated the poor nurses about all the emergency procedures etc... Thankfully, my lovely chemo nurse reassured me. She told me 1st timers got a special chair right next to the oxygen and she showed me how she had already prepared all the emergency meds on the counter behind my special chair knowing I was a first timer. She also said they did the drip extra slow on the first day and she would stay right by my side watching for any side effects. She barely left my side during the whole infusion and I was very grateful. Be sure to tell them about your allergy history and reassure yourself by asking about emergency procedures they have in place. I'm sure they will take good care of you. I pray it all goes smoothly for you.
It took me a while to figure out how to enter my diagnosis too. Click on "My Home" tab above. Then click on "edit my profile". Scroll all the way to the bottom and where it says "signature" type whatever you want visible on your posts.
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Had my 3rd of 12 weekly Taxol treatments on Friday. Again my blood counts were low so I will be going to the hospital today to get my 2nd shot of Neupogen. They will do a blood test on Monday to determine whether or not to give me the 3rd shot. This shot makes me feel achy like the Neulasta did. Had some trouble getting to sleep last night and in spite of a good sleep - I still feel tired today. That has been the biggest - most lasting SE for me - low blood counts and exhaustion. I'm so glad I retired last year - can't imagine trying to deal with a roomful of middle school students while doing this!
Hang in there everyone - I too am losing the few eyelashes I have left. This is worse than the eyebrows - at least I can pencil them in. I feel like even with the wig on I look like a "cancer patient" duh....
Had a woman come up and hug me last week in a coffee shop. I had my Avon Breast Cancer Walk 2008 on and she is a survivor. I took my hat off - she looked at me and realized that I have it too and gave me a great hug. It was great! It felt good. I think that many of the strangers who say something to us have experienced cancer in some way in their lives and if their comments to me make them have a better day than it is worth it.
Have a good day - I'm off to the infusion center for my shot. YUCK!
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Liz, sorry you're have a rough time of it!
I appreciate the positive feedback I get as well. Was paying for my order at Huck's counter last week and another customer (man) standing next to me hesitated, then quietly asked if I was stricken w/cancer (I had what I can my gypsy scarf on) and I said yes - breast cancer. He said he didn't know if I believed in the power of prayer (I do!) and he said he'd be praying for me that night & that he'd been in a long term relationship with a woman who'd had it. I thanked him.
Hope you feel better soon!
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Oh ladies.... it somehow feels comforting to know that I am not alone in looking in the mirror and having a tough time with the strange old face that stares back at me. I have been crying for the person I used to be. When we went to Toronto to pick up my older daughters, I had the opportunity to see my sister and her two sons. I was reluctant to see my nephews because I didn't want them to remember me as this strange old bald lady. I want to hide from the world. I want people to know the vibrant, smart, stylish me... not this pathetic, weak, sniveling, strange creature.
I want my life back.
I want to hold your hands to get through this...
Bless you all for the wonderful support you have been through these past few months...
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sending virtual support and hugs to my "sisters"
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hello sisters, well lil boys party went great! he had a lot of kids and a lot of fun, but im glad its over,lol i have Taxol again tomorrow, then will only have 8 left (whew hoo) lol, so far so good, but i am getting a bit worried that the se will start hitting soon,
everyday i look in the mirror and see less and less eyebrows, my lashes seem to be breaking because i have lil ones, i dont know if they keep growing back or are just breaking? i feel like im looking like a freak, im worried, as always, about my blood counts. I dont seem to be too tired so i pray that is a good sign, but i do notice each week they get lower and lower.
im thinking of all my chemo and rad sisters. I will say a prayer tonight that we all can have a good week,and to help us remember our looks are only temporary, ( haha that coming from me?) me the biggest barbie of all
it took me 3 months to leave my house, oh well, i will still say that prayer for us!!!love and strength
chey
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Well, I had quite a scare today. I almost fainted at our friend's house. We went over there to get our RV (we store it at their house). I was outside talking to our friend. I hadn't eaten much and felt tired since yesterday. All of a sudden, I felt hot, weak and kind of nauseus. Luckily, I had the sense to announce I was feeling faint. My husband grabbed me and put me in the truck.
Just yesterday I went to lunch with local survivor friends. I was telling them how nothing sounds good to eat. I am tired of not being able to eat salads/fresh fruit and the things I used to enjoy. One of my friends eats super healthy. I decided after today's scare that I really need to focus on my nutrition again. Plus, since I feel better on the weekly Taxol, I'm doing more (I need to rest).
This week is #6 of 12 Taxols. I'm almost halfway there!!!
I hope everyone has a good week! Take care of yourselves!!
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kitty-Wow! I'm glad your DH caught you before you fainted! Did your Onc tell you not to eat your favorite things like fresh fruits and salads? I asked my Onc about that and she doesn't believe it is necessary to avoid fresh fruits and veggies. Even now that my white count is low, she didn't tell me to avoid them. I am trying to be extra careful about washing them. This chemo is beating us all up so badly. I think it is really important to focus on power-packed nutrition to build up our systems. I got "The Cancer Fighting Kitchen" cookbook by Katz. Great recipes, my whole family likes.
Cheyenna- Dang Barbie, I think you have turned the corner. You are sounding great!. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. Glad you had a good celebration with your son. Nothin' like boys!
Sweet dreams of happy, healthy days my brave friends!
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I was told no raw foods, even veggies - unless they're peeled. And I was told NO LETTUCE! I guess it has too much bacteria! So I haven't had a salad since the beginning of June! I did get some peaches and some plums and washed them really really well. I am back to eating fruit and veggies more. My DH went to the store and got me what I could eat.
Chey - you do sound so much better! I'm so glad!!!
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I just found out last week that I don't need to do radiation!!!!!! My last chemo treatment is this Friday and I am getting reconstruction surgery in 3-6 months ( I want to give my body a little break to recover since it has been through a lot, so planning on waiting until the new year to do it!). I can see that the end is near in sight. I am finally feeling happy knowing that it is almost all over.. What a summer we have all had!
MAC does have really great eye liner and Avon has a great eyebrow pencil. I received both for free at the "Look good, feel better" workshop I went to. I highly recommend it, they taught me so much there and you get TONS of free goodies. They help you with makeup tricks when you lose your brows and eyelashes. MAC also has really good mascara that thickens your eyelashes so it fills things out a bit!
kittycat: I have been eating tons of veggies and fruits and have never had a problem, I have just been careful to wash them well but thats all I seem to crave after treatment since I am sick of drinking water and juice! I had no idea about lettuce either and have been eating it all along without a problem.
Cheyanne: My eyelashes/ brows are the same. they have been thinning/breaking too.can't wait until they grow back!
How long does it take for the hair to start growing again after the last treatment?
Hope everyone had a great weekend!
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