HELP ME PLEASE... I AM BEGGING FOR HELP...

Vickey, nice to put a face to the name.  You look nice in pink.  I agree with Theresa, the combo of Taxatere an and the neupogen/neulasta shots are killer...I dreaded those nasty shots.  Seven days of shots and seven days of bone pain...and to think, my ONC said the taxotere would be easier than the FEC.  Oh well, at least it is all over.  It is hard to believe that this time last year I had  my mastectomy and still had months of treatments ahead of me. Now it is all behind me...

Hi Vicky just jumping in to give you more support.  I am a TN too and treatment does suck but you can do it!!  I just finished up 4 DD AC and 12 weekly taxols on Aug. 11.  Look at it this way, while you are sitting in that chemo bay every drip of that toxic med is killing any remaining cancer cells, and as a trip neg it is one of our only options.  I have lost two fingernails and two toenails, my hair started growing back about taxol #5, I have gained 20 pounds and my neuropathy is starting to disapate.  I know you feel helpless right now but you are not, you are kicking the cancers ass and it's running scared!  Hang in there Vicky, our cancer is aggressive and we HAVE to have all the chemo our bodies can handle.  I start rads at the end of Sept and I cannot wait to get started so I can be done!!   PM me if you need to chat, I know how dark the chemo tunnel can be.  Take care, Angi

Vicky - it is so important to think 'long term' when going through treatment. But our feelings are so strong and we are so impaired by them that it is almost impossible to do so.  I finished chemo a year ago this week (!!) and looking back, I can see that it actually passed pretty quickly, but at the time it felt like FOREVER. 

A few quick suggestions - get an IPOD and load it with some peaceful music and/or some podcasts of encouraging topics  (ask someone to help you do this if you don't know how - my kids helped me!). Keep it by your bed and put it on when you can't sleep.  Also consider getting a relaxation CD or guided prayer/imagery and load it on to the IPOD as well. That will help relax you and get you back to sleep.  When our sleep is disturbed, it weakens us the next day even if we don't realize it, and you NEED your rest to be strong and fight.

If you can't get to a more stable place, PLEASE ask the doc for some meds to help you.  I hate drugs but I did take some xanax briefly for a few weeks when I was falling apart. It helped me to eat and sleep, both of which I wasn't able to do beforehand.

I wish you peace. You WILL make it. One day/one step at a time. And you will use your strength & experience to help encourage others, just like I am doing now. (Which I never would have believed was possible)

Amy

Vickey, keep on fighting...Soon before you know it you will begin to feel both physically and mentally better...You can do it.  Why don't you talk to your doctor and let her know of your feelings.  Remember we are here for you too.  We have been through this and we know there is light at the end of the road...

I second AND third the suggestions to call your doctor and TELL him/her (not ask) that you need more help to get through this. Whether is be a sleeping pill (which I took every night during chemo, I don't think I could have made it mentally without them) or an anti-depressant; get the help you need so that you can get through this to the OTHER SIDE (where you will look back and say, "I can't believe I got through that!") About God; when I was where you are, I recalled a sermon where a minister said that the Holy Spirit prays for you when you can't pray for yourself, so I just gave it all over to the Holy Spirit and didn't even try to pray or think about any of the deeper meaning of what I was going through (that can come later) but I just tried to get through one day at a time. This too shall pass, think about how far you've already come!! A big hug from here. Hang in there. Ruth

My mom died a few years before my diagnosis. She was the most wonderful mother, grandmother, friend, guide, companion.....a blessing to our whole family. I miss her so much, and wish I could sit down and talk to her, tell her my stories, brag up the grandchildren, share recipes, and get her advice just about every day. That being said, I was glad that she didn't have to live to see me go through BC; as it would have really broken her heart, as it does the heart of any mother whose child (whatever age) is seriously ill. I don't know if this is a thought that is helpful at all or not, but it's how I feel.

Vicky, I thought about you all night. I am sure that your children love, cherish and need you as dearly and much as you loved, cherished, and depended on your mother. So when things get so bad that you can't fight for yourself; fight to stay alive FOR THEM!!! Hope you have a better day. Ruth

Vicky - please hang in there, I know your pain on all levels because I was there too.  I was missing my Mom big time when I was first diagnosed and going through cancer treatment h e l l.  Thank God I had my sisters and I'd either call them or they'd call me.  This forum does the same thing ... talking to your sisters.  My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer the same age I was diagnosed - 49 - but had a double mastectomy and reconstruction - no radiation or chemo back then.  But I would "talk" to her and beg her for help ... I'm sure she was praying for me!!  Big time.  I was angry with God and the world.  My priest told me to just pray... even if I didn't feel like it, even if it was "God have mercy on me a sinner!", even if it was an angry prayer.  God knows our pain and didn't cause it. Things happen to us - good and bad.  My brother died of cancer when he was in his 40s.  It just happened - God didn't make it happen.  But God was there to welcome him home.  We're survivors and even though we have to walk through the dark valley, we come out on the other side stronger and lovelier... we're all holding your hands!  You're going through the worst of it.  PLEASE take the xanax if the doctor gave it to you.  I took mine at night and it helped me sleep, but took the edge of my day.  I had a wonderful family support network and my work friends were great.  I was living in NJ at the time and we were blessed to have a Gilda's Club.  Grab what support you can find, but I know, you have to walk your own walk the way the rest of us did.  This journey is similar for all of us, but never exactly the same. Warm hugs and many prayers for you tonight. -Theresa

Vicky, your posts tug at my heart.  Just wanted to send support and love your way.

Please do not give up; the drugs are there for a reason.  If they make you sleepy, take 1/2 of a one.

Your children and husband need you.  Talk to your mom, ask her to send you a sign that she hears you.  She does hear you, honey.  Have a good old heart to heart with her.  After all, it was always your hearts that spoke to each other, and love CANNOT die.  Can we see it?  No. does that mean it is not here?  of course not.

You go in my prayers as of now, as i adore my daughter.  I am more sure than I can tell you,that your mom adores you and would want her daughter to fight.  You can do it, honey.

Take a break from the chemo if you need one, but come back with a fighting spirit and kick it's ass.  It has the wrong girl.  Be your mothers' daughter, and be strong for both of you, your kids and husband.  And take some time for you!!!

love

annie

Vicki and all,

I can't add much to the thoughts the others have shared witth you but I can tell you I too have been there. My Mom was in end stage heart disease and died a few monthe before my diagnosis. I also got my diagnosis the same week my husband decided he wanted a divorce. Apparently when I was caring for Mom and the kids, he spent his time with an old girlfriend who was getting a divorce and now they want to be together.There were days when I felt like I didn't want to get out of bed.  I did not want to do chemo-it scared me to death. I will have my last round of TC this week and while I know that for 2 weeks after chemo, the side effects will knock me out, I am determined to get through this for my children, family and friends who do want to be part of my life.I don't think I missed too many SE from chemo-nausea, awful bone, muscle and nerve pain, orthosatic, awful perineal rash, wound up in hosp. for a week after round one because all wbc were wiped out and had 103 temp, infected port which needed to be removed, abdominal pain and either diarrhea or constipation, no sleep, anxiety, and just feeling like I would not get through this process. My hair started to fall out but then that stopped and I have a really thin short cut. I have been using teat tree oil on cuticles (found that on another board) and my nails are better than they ever were. Like you, I told my onc. I wasn't coming back, but I did. I'm sorry to hear someone was not supportive on another board. I have found more support from the women on these postings than anywhere else. I too have felt like I have been on a treadmill since this started but finally feel as though I am getting back in control. On one of the other boards, when we were talking ab being scared and whether we could get through this, one person said something that has stuck with me "You don't have to be brave, you just need to show up" for treatment. In the beginning, I was not brave, but i showed up. As I listened to other peoples stories and worked with the nurses, docs and moved further into the process, I am regaining control and feeling more positive(except for 2 weeks after chemo-am too sick). I will begin radiation in a few weeks-this also felt like I got punched in my stomach because initially was told would prob. not need it, and it terrifies me, but I plan to show up and see how it goes and have found wonderful support on that discussion board. I had a bilat mastect w reconstruction and still am being expanded which I need to finish before radiation, then final surg. after rad. I found a terrific support group, and our hospital has a terrific nurse specialist who is available to talk and help anytime, as well as a nurse who specializes in holistic aproaches to cancer.Hang on to hope-don't let anybody or any SE take that away from you. While my life has been on hold for a few months, I will get through this, divorce my husband, be happy and get on with my life. Yes, it will never be the same again, it will be better. I will beat this disease and I know I am doing everything I can to make sure it doesn't come back.

CT124-

I must tell you that your story is the only thing today that has lifted my spirits up. You are amazing and strong and I am hoping that I will be as strong as you are during my chemo process. I start tomorrow. It always seems that when things are hard....it just gets harder. I am so afraid of the side effects and I have a cold right now too, so yay. :-) You are amazing and I am really going to try to remember that saying your friend said. "You don't need to be brave, you just need to show up." I am going to hold onto that. Thank you.

As Michele says, you mean as much to your kids as your dear mother meant to you. Keep fighting, you are almost there. Ruth

Hi Vicky,

Try to stay strong, try and think of chemo as part of the recovery process. A friend of mine said she used a natural therapy called Avemar during the chemo process which apparantly reduces the side effects of chemo and can even be used during the sugery. It's a natural product so it can be used pre, during and post surgery! Chemo is an extremely painful and draining process so i guess any form of relief is a blessing! 

All the best and stay strong!

Hey Vicky,

first time on the thread, saw your post and had to reply.  Nothing but hugs here.  You are in the right place---we know what you are going through, even the stupid husband part.

Hang in there!