A B-day vent

Today I am 49. Bah Humbug.  I want to vent but when I think about venting, I feel so guilty.  My diagnosis is nothing compared to so many others, I have three of the best kids in the world and a sweet stepdaughter and an awesome mother-in-law, I am employed when so many are not, my active treatment is really over ---thats a LOT in my life to be happy and grateful for. 

But despite several months of Celexa and therapy, today I can't see the good stuff:  this last year with my diagnois and stupid treatment has been awful, I thought my work was being so wonderfully supportive but when I got my annual review I got nailed on my lack of productivity during radiation and treatment, my disfunctional hoarding mother is not speaking to me, my stay home husband is suffering from depression [THERE!  I said it!] so that if something needs to be done in the house, it simply won't happen whether its dishes or laundry or scheduling the kids for playdates/dentist apps, mowing the lawn, you name it.  And his depression part has been here for years and is, I must note, unrelated to my breast cancer unless it worsened when he contemplated what he would have to do to raise 3 kids without me.  I honestly think the problem with my husband is that he would rather not be married. 

There.  I said that too.  When  we scheduled this past weekend, it was supposed to be a family get away to celebrate my birthday and the end of summer.   We only have a 5 person car and with visiting girl, thats 6 people.  I was going crazy trying to figure out logistics and it finally struck me that maybe this should be his job if he cared.  So I suggested that all the monsters [including stepdaughter] and I hit the beach and he stay home and take time to himself since he is always kvetching about the demands made on him and how he never gets down time or alone time.  So thats what we did--left Sunday, returned late Wednesday.   When we came back, I asked if he felt better and the answer was no but thanks for asking.  Okay then.  This morning he did our typical family birthday thing but it felt prefunctory like it was because of the kids--oh I got a card and he ordered something for me off I-Tunes but no birthday kiss or hug, not even when he gave me a ride to the train. No one asked me where I wanted to go for my birthday dinner and naturally for the 3d year in a row, he didn't bother to order me a cake.  Its not that I like cake so much but what does it say to the monsters?  And I'm sorry but all of that hurt.  Its my birthday, I survived stupid breast cancer, why should I have to beg for a birthday kiss?  Why should I have to order my own birthday cake/

If your husband doesn't want any physical or emotional contact with you, what does that tell you?  We were late coming home from the beach last night and I texted him a silly text saying we were having dinner and a beer and that our oldest boy [not yet 13] would be driving home.  The reply:  "sounds good."  Thats it.  Having had no contact with any of his kids for 4 days and yet couldn't be bothered to say drive safe, have fun, missed you, hugs to kids, nothing.  When we got home, still nothing at least towards me.  Honestly, its just too painful to have to always ask for a hug or something.  We have new cell phones which I really really really really didn't want because I know that if I call him, I am always interupting and if I txt him he ignores it.  My son says that husband says he hates it when I text him.  

I did learn that over the weekend, my husband tried a new meditation group, one that is really small and all adult and he really really liked it.  This is after he had us join a sangha with a family program, the THIRD family sangha--3 different traditions--that we have tried in 3 years.  I asked if he wasn't going to continue where we just became members and was told "well the family part," and when he said it, it hit me:

The problem hasn't been the sangha or the tradition. 

The problem has been me and the monsters simply being at the service and that will remain the problem. 

The problem is that he really doesn't know if he wants to be here at all.

I am already in therapy---started in February--and now he says he is willing to go to couples therapy [because see, there is nothing wrong with him but there is a lot wrong with me that needs to be fixed....] but of course, this is one more thing that I have to set up and arrange.  I can't even keep all the bills paid on time.

Next month is my 10th wedding anniversary.  La-Di-Dah.  I married him because I loved him and because my friends said when someone loves you as much he seemed to love me, you should marry them, even if they haven't finished college, even if they have a sketchy work history and are divorced with a child, even if they have less education than you and will never make as money.  Now I feel like the reason he married me not to mention the reason he stays married to me is that he can't afford our lifestyle on his own.  And that really sucks.  

I do have the worlds very best kids, I have a great mother in law and a really sweet stepdaughter and my active treatment is over . . . .okay vent over.  Back to the real world.  thanks for listening.