Starting Chemo in June 2005

Scout,

Sorry about your troubles! I do Taxotere every three weeks. I go for number 2 tomorrow. I'm on steroids; hence the late night post! Dang Decadron!

Gotta be honest, I'm a little skeert of tomorrow's infusion. Don't know why, just a little premonition.(sp?) I'm hoping it's just my 'guilt' feelings for not having a lot of trouble with chemo so far.

Who am I fooling? I know the Cards will most likely rip the Astros, but it's fun anyhow. Husband had a vendor from work offer him tickets to tonites game in St. Louis. Airfare included. (Husband is from St. Louis - all of family still there) He had to decline because of my dang chemo and our little guy is turning 7 Thursday, Oct 13h!

Jenster? Et tu Brute? lol!

Hello ladies, just wanted to post and let everyone know some news. I have enrolled into a study program here in my town that will monitor my ovaries! I will have a CA-125 test every 3 months and a transvaginal ultrasound every 6 months since I carry both mutated genes. I am very excited that I don't have to enroll in the surgical arm of the study because I am not ready for those little things to come out yet! I have horrible hot flashes already, I am still hoping that chemo didn't throw me into early menopause!!! We will see, I am seeing the gyno on Monday to get all the paperwork done to enroll in the study program so I am going to talk to her about my periods and all of that stuff! Hope all of you ladies are doing well and getting thru rads okay! Take care!

Cathi

Scout - I'm sorry for your difficult time. I hope the aches and pains will go away quickly!

And OF COURSE the Cards are going to win. My problem will be if they end up playing the Angels. I'm a native Los Angelina. But I think I'll still cheer for the Cardinals.

I went for #3 taxotere today and I didn't get it. I didn't actually cry, but my eyes got all wet and my voice got all wobbly. To make matters worse the nurse was really kind and sympathetic. I think I would have liked it more if she'd been cold and unfeeling. lol. Anyway, I'm over it now. In the grand scheme of things it's not such a horrible thing. I was originally supposed to finish on October 27th. Now I'm going to finish on November 21st because I'm NOT having chemo right before DH takes me away for my 40th birthday. I'm going to go and have a good time (and maybe even get jiggy with it, if you know what I mean ) and then I'll come back and have my very last chemo treatment EVER! (How's that for positive thinking??)

I am lucky in that I don't have to have radiation. I don't know if I could do the movie star pose without laughing hysterically.

Hey! A lady at the clinic today told me she likes my hair and she wishes she had the guts to take off her wig. lol. I told her now that the weather was cooling off she may want to hang onto the wig a bit longer because my head is always getting cold if I don't have a hat. Until I have a blasted hot flash.

Alright. I thought that was a 20oz DECAFF this morning, but I'm starting to think it was totally leaded. I'm like my son. "I'm typing and I can't shut up!"

Jen - who is going to go now. Really. I promise.

Cathi, that's great about the study. You will have the reassurance of them catching any changes before they become malignant, and you can avoid the "preemptive" hysterectomy.

Michelle, today they let me lie down in the cradle and I was perfectly aligned. But, it still takes 30 minutes because my onc is using a new technique "field with a field" that supposedly evens out the dosage and avoids hot spots that cause skin breakdown. It means I get 5 treatments instead of 3. This new onc just came to Cleveland Clinic from MD Anderson, and is bringing this new technology with her. The techs say her appointment times have to be double any of the other oncs'. Suits me, if it keeps me from toasting!

Hey Cathi,

DH is taking me to Eureka Springs - gorgeous in the fall. And we're staying in a cabin we stayed in several years ago for our anniversary. Very secluded and romantic. It's on the edge of a cliff in the woods with floor to ceiling windows on that side. It has a huge shower and an even bigger sunken tub. There's a loft for the bedroom, a very tiny kitchenette and they supply you with muffins, chocolates, teas, coffees, etc.

All in all a very relaxing place and I don't think it can get here soon enough.

Jen

I'm out of time out! I went to breakfast with a friend this morning and another surprised me with lunch. Pretty nice. I am even pretending to not hear the five and 13 year old go at each other. No weapons-not going to break it up:)
Breakfast friend wants to write a comedy book based on my mother-I think just going on the road would make us rich. LOL Yes she has always been this way-at least my sister and I no longer try to figure it out anymore.
Last night I had to attend a meeting about the five year old and he called 911 while I was gone. Police came and evrything. My 16 year old had to talk to the officer who came. I was home by 8 and he was suppose to come back so I put on my PJ (mommy kind) and took off my wig-thought that might help our case. He didn't come back thank goodness but 16 year old was so embrassed (SP)he might.LOL
Jen I am so happy for your trip! Have a great time!
Everyone-thinking of you all.
Bev

Cathi - we go November 18th through the 20th.

Bev - I'm cracking up!! I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh that your son dialed 911. Oh wait. YES I DO!! And the pajamas and no wig!! LOL!! DH got pulled over last Saturday and as the cop was walking to the car I asked, "do you want to play the cancer card?" He looked at me, totally appalled, but I just laughed. Didn't need it after all, though. He got off with a warning without the policeman even seeing me. lol.

Rebecca - Hot Flashes!! I can't stand them!! I've taken Lunesta for sleeping the last two nights and apparently slept right through the hot flashes. There's a thought for you. Good luck in Vegas. Just remember - "Baby needs a new pair of shoes." It never worked for me, but maybe it will for you.

Cathi -

I've taken the Lunesta for the last three nights and I've slept very well. Not that I haven't woken up in the middle of the night, but I didn't toss and turn and I went right back to sleep. I highly recommend it!

Jen

I am still having symptoms with the last chemo....really bad bone pain! It's a little less today, so I have hope that it will be gone tomorrow or Sunday. My DD is in town, for fall break, and I was hoping to do some things with her...maybe I can go to the movies or something.
My Onc. decided not to give me chemo yesterday. She wants me to take a week off. I only have 3 more Taxotere and they are weekly...but now I think they will be every two weeks...just enough to spead the joy....sigh..oh well...I know it will be over soon. I need to start the process of calling plastic surgeons. I want to meet with several before I make up my mind if I'm going to have a masectomy or not. I'm hoping this will all be over by Christmas, but now it's looking more like mid January. Now I just need to go buy some bulbs!

It seems every time I resign myself to just getting through these side effects since I only have one more treatment...a new one pops up. Several of my nails are starting to lift. In the grand scheme of things, nails are not very important...but I am just really disgusted at having to deal with yet another crappy problem. Sorry to sound cranky...but I am in a major funk. I am just so tired of being exhausted and feeling like I'm dragging myself along. I want food with taste and I want to be so done with this. It seems like years instead of months since chemo started. I am so far behind at work that I feel like just taking a match to all the paper on my desk! Don't even want to think of the things that are going undone at home. I've even been neglecting our dogs. I want my life back!

I want to whine, cry and stamp my feet. I'm sure I'll get past this and feel better tomorrow, but I really need to vent at the moment...and very glad I have a place like this to let it out.

Liz

I got the whiney thing in spades today. DH didn't come home this weekend and DD had a volleyball game. My parents came over to the house after the game for a few minutes and everything seemed fine. My port area is a little sore since having it accessed on Thursday and when I moved a certain way my bra rubbed it.



My mom noticed me flinch and asked if my port hurt. I said, "Not really hurts, just uncomfortable," and then I broke into tears. Told her I was tired of this whole sh**. I DON'T EVEN CUSS! LOL.



But it all came out in a rush. I'm tired of this stupid port, I'm tired of being deformed, I'm tired of living like a hermit, I'm tired of the discomfort from the mastectomy, I'm tired of living 1200 miles away from my husband, I'm tired of being a single parent, I'm tired of being tired...



She was good enough to not get all "mothery" on me or else I would have gone over the edge. lol. She just said, "I know you are." She didn't cry or call me honey and I don't know how she did it!



I've done very well with this crap. I've not needed antidepressants (DH has, though) and for the most part I've kept up a very positive attitude. I've kept my faith in God and, in fact, it's been strengthened and I know He's why I've handled this so well. But there are limits and I think I found it today. And then I feel almost guilty because chemo has been easy - relatively speaking, of course. I know I've had it much better than so many ladies here have. So what right do I have to whine and cry about it? But it is more than just the chemo. It's just the whole, entire, huge picture. When will it not be the main part of my life?



And my poor dad, who never says anything anyway, just stood there looking at me like "Oh no! What do I do? What do I do?" lol.

Jen...I am sure it was the fact that your husband wasn't able to be home this weekend that got you down. I've been pretty amazed at how well you manage everything. You've earned a good cry.



Brenda, I really think it's the one more thing that gets to us. For me it's the nails right now. I figured with one treatment left and radiation supposedly easier than the chemo that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have strong nails and it just surprised me to find I would get the lifting nail side effect. I also don't even have any lint hair! Feel my hair may never grown back. No hair, no eyebrows (well, maybe a dozen or so hairs between both) and no lashes. I don't want my nails to go too! It can take forever for them to grow back.



I feel like a hermit too. We went out shopping today and I tired real quickly. Feel like all I do is go to the doctor, go to work and lie around on the couch.



I also think it's the fatigue that gets us down and makes us emotional. When I'm not feeling exhausted I am in a much better mood.



I guess we all have to call out Towanda to keep us going for a while longer!



Hugs,

Liz

Oh, how I can relate to how you feel, Jen! I'm soooo tired of this S*(& too! I am sooooo glad the dr is letting me wait another week before the next chemo. I'm just starting to feel better and I can't imagine starting to feel terrible again tomorrow (when it hit last week)! I needed a break!
My toe nails are starting to look dark and the dr said I might lose them...like I haven't gone through enough already??
I don't know how people work during chemo. I have spent so many days in bed racked with bone pain and fatigue...just taking my pooches out to potty wears me out! At least my disability kicked in and I'm starting to get paid again.
Well...I guess I'm whining too....maybe we should have a whining party...I know it would make ME feel better!

What's this? You feel like sh!t????! Your nails are coming off? You bone pain is unbearable? Your ports are aching your heads are pounding you cannot take another moment of this godforsaken crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HAVEN'T YOU HEARD??????????

IT'S BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yippee skippy! Let's all celebrate! Let's all wear pink and be happy! Let's wink at each other because WE ARE AWARE!!!!!

SCREW THAT!
Girls- you feel the way you do because you have been to hell and back. You have had your bodies and souls battered and poisoned. People keep telling you how BRAVE you are! F- IT! Let THEM be brave and let you watch Lifetime all day with a quart of ice cream and a 22 year old buff surfer dude named Skip.

ONE MORE PICTURE OF A FASHION MODEL PRETENDING TO BE A BC PATIENT IN SOME AD FOR PINK TOILET PAPER SMILING BRAVELY AT THE CAMERA IN HER PINK BASEBALL CAP - TAKE A BASEBALL BAT TO THE TV!!!!!!!!!

If someone offers you a pink ribbon for breast cancer awareness month STRANGLE THEM WITH IT!

YOU ARE AWARE! THE JIG IS UP!
Hello World! This is Towanda speaking! You want to see what breast cancer is- MY BEAUTIFUL SWEET SISTERS HERE ON THIS THREAD!
Yeah THEY WILL GET THERE- but for criminy sake show the truth and give them a friggin break already!

They are exhausted and subconciously all of them are effected by this propaganda-

Newsflash- you don't run ten Ks the day after taxotere
you don't want to be cheerful and smile when you have a mouth full of sores

THEY ARE ON THEIR WAY TO DONE-SEE YA-

But until then STOP with the unrealistic expectations will ya?!

You never cussed before? Let er Rip!
You don't like your husband to see you upset? He's a big boy!
You don't want to miss work? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

THIS IS ABOUT YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU AND NOBODY BUT YOU!

Take your time, feel your pain, bitch because it is ENOUGH ALREADY, make a scene, make others upset-

Ya know why?

YOU EARNED IT.

I have watched my warrior junie angels- the magnificent fighting machines you are through the trenches, the doubts, the fears the pain and the many many triumphs....

TAKE THAT TIME- PERMIT YOURSELF TO FEEL WHAT YOU ARE FEELING-

Get your yayas out.

And remember- YOU WILL BE DONE.
oh yes!
You should have seen me last chemo into rads- I was a bitch on wheels and I didn't give a rat's patoot who I pissed off.

AND I FINISHED. I healed. I got some pep back. My chemopause turned into periods, my hair grew straight up like Don King's, and I had this inner smirk for everyone who gave me guff-

You can't scare, upset or bother me bub- I just fought the ultimate beast and won. Ya wanna take me on??? Huh?

YES! YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP!
and NO!
IT AIN'T FOREVER!!!!!!!

This is the last lap- the hardest one- but you have been through much worse with scarier turns and harder hurdles- you are just so damn tired now you don't think you will cross that finish line.... well look up ahead- see in the distance? see way up there at the ribbon of the finish line??? There is someone waiting for you-

NED.

You will get there and when you do he will give you a glass of champagne and a nice loooong backrub.


I love you all- you can and will do this with the style and grace only a Junie has.