Where did my life go ?

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turk
turk Member Posts: 4
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

Hello everyone, I guess I should introduce myself, as I have been quietly lurking in the background for over a month.  I am a 45 year old mother of one 18 year old, I am single(seperated and hopefully divorced very soon). i went for a mammogram on July 1st after feeling a large lump in my left breast for several months..( i know- the fear and no insurance). Well, I have invasive Ductal carcinoma of course and it was drum roll please.... 8cm. I had the BMX no reconstruction and lymph node removal- 13/22 on August 6th,2010.I am er/pr - and HER2 +.  PET scan is tommorrow and chemo starts Friday- Adriamycin and Cytoxan every 2 weeks for 4 treatments with Neulasta.Then Taxol every 2 weeks for 4 treatments with weekly Herceptin. then Herceptin every 3 weeks for a year. Radiation to chest wall, collar bone and underarm after chemo. This  all of course is assuming my PET scan is clear. I started taking zoloft when I was first diagnosed and don't really see any uplift yet. give it time I guess.  My biggest obstacle is that my daughter, who is pregnant with my first grandchild, and I are having some difficulties.  She and her husband are great they love each other dearly, i just feel like I have ruined everything, they don't really want to do much with me anymore, we used to be inseperable, but the past couple of weeks have seen so many changes. I cry alot and regret alot. sometimes I wonder if I will make it thru this, because it is just overwhelming to me and i want my daughter to just be happy.

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  • Mom3
    Mom3 Member Posts: 170
    edited August 2010

    Cancer is a difficult thing. Sometimes it's hard for others to accept this illness too. Some shy away out of fear. I have found that out. And yes, it does hurt but I've tried hard to understand how others feel if anything for me. Give it time. You're daughter is young and she may just be really, really scared. You're her mom. But don't worry, you're going to be around for a long time. I was diagnosed in 2007 and I can top your 8cm with an 11cm one!! 15 out of 18 nodes positive. I have a 4 and 6 year old. My son was 1 at the time I was diagnosed!! I am going to be here to watch them grow and you'll be here to watch that grandbaby of yours grow too!!!

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  • lago
    lago Member Posts: 17,186
    edited August 2010

    Turk: We will make it. (So far I'm 7cm in an A cup. Not sure how they missed that). BMX on Tuesday for me.

    There is a thread on hear for us big girls… bigger than us: http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/96/topic/751864?page=1#idx_24

     I am not a mom but I do have a niece about tha age. They can get a bit selfish in their teens and twenties. They grew out of it. You watch. Once your grandchild is born she will be calling you for all sorts of support and help.You didn't ruin anything. They are still having a child and have a wonderful life a head of them. You did not cause this cancer.

    Life has its challenges. Some of them are not so great. Cancer is one of the big ones.You are alive right now which means you can fight this beast. In time your daughter will come around. It's rough because you need her now but in the mean time come here for support. Any friend that is willing to reach out to you… grab their hand. They really do want to help. Just let them know how.

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited August 2010

    Hi Turk,

    I had a large tumor too---primary one (there was multicentric disease) was 6.5cm, AND I had a mammo every year---go figure!  You've made it over one hurdle, the next is the chemo.  Yes, it will be hard at times but IT IS JUST TEMPORARY---keep telling yourself that when you get down!  And I agree wtih lago that your daughter will come around, she is probably scared too for you and for her.  Do you have any other support system in place?  Your local hospital probably has some sort of support group and or a cancer navigator to help you through this next part.  DO reach out for help.  You should not have to go through this alone. 

    Feel free to PM me any time if I can help in any way.

    Take care,

    Sharon

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  • turk
    turk Member Posts: 4
    edited August 2010

    Thank you all for all your kind words.. It's been very difficult, but no one seems to understand in my family.  my mother and sister are wonderful but they can never know how I am feeling. Like this may be the only grandchild I see, and it hurts when I am not included in things with the pregnancy.  My daughter and I used to be very close, best friends and now we hardly even talk. I am trying to be strong and hoping and praying that my daughter and son in law start including me again and we can be strong together to fight this cancer and welcome their new baby..

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  • Alyad
    Alyad Member Posts: 817
    edited August 2010

    It maybe your dd doesn't want to "burden" you with involvements in the pregancy , esp with all you are going through. Especially as young as she is- she may not understand that you want to be as involved as possible and how much it means to you.

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  • Cowgirl13
    Cowgirl13 Member Posts: 1,936
    edited August 2010

    Turk, i am so sorry you are experiencing this with your daughter, especially at a time like this.  Check in and ask for support with this board daily if you need to.  Here is where you will find support--this is a wonderful group of women.  Reach out.  we are all here for you.

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  • Bugs
    Bugs Member Posts: 1,719
    edited August 2010

    Welcome, Turk.  I'm glad you decided to stop lurking.  My tumor was 8.5cm...I always say when I do it, I do it big.  lol

    I'm sorry about your daughter.  She has to be going through so much right now, too.  Add pregnancy hormones and bam!  Take things one day at a time.  Come here often..and keep us posted on your treatment plan and test results.  

    Bugs

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  • turk
    turk Member Posts: 4
    edited August 2010

    I don't know where i'd be right now without all of you. Thank you so much.

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  • SusieMTN
    SusieMTN Member Posts: 795
    edited August 2010

    Turk - If you feel comfortable telling us (either in a PM or here) what sort of difficulties are you encountering with your daughter?

    Here is what I am thinking.  Nothing prepares you for Cancer and no one would or could REALLY know what it is like to go thru this.  You have Chemo a head of you......... 

    Your daughter will regret not being their for you at SOME point in her life, and unless she is completely shut off from all emotions, she will feel guilty about this. Sometimes we need to save our children from themselves.  

    Do come here often, with all the wonderful women here you are bound to find useful idea's, advice, and most importantly......

    We understand stage III........  And a lot of us are MOM's

    ((((((((((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))))))))

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited August 2010

    Turk - my situation is a little different than yours, in that my DD wasn't pregnant when I was diagnosed, but boy did she lash out.  Her father passed away Apr 09, I was diagnosed Jun 09, surgery followed by chemo - she was wonderful, by my side, excellent in every way - all this happening (last year) during her Senior year of high school.  However, when I finished chemo at the end of Dec 09 things changed.  She started fighting with me, yelling at me and saying things that were so out of character.  Our home turned into a battle ground.  I was told by her counselor that in her mind I was doing better and now she could express her anger.  She was angry, angry that I got sick, angry that her dad passed away, angry that all of this happened in her senior year, angry that we couldn't tour colleges together.  In the end - we've worked through it all and she is back to my sweet, caring angel that she's always been.

    Maybe your daughter doesn't know how to react, she's emotional because her harmones are out of whack from the pregnancy, her Mom that she loves and is close to was just diagnosed with cancer - it may be too much to handle and she's keeping her distance to avoid the pain she's dealing with.  If you were close and had a good relationship, then she will come around. She just needs to figure out how to handle pregnancy, a new baby and a Mom with cancer.  She'll be there - just give her time.  In the meantime (((HUGS))) and know that we're here and we "get it".

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  • AnacortesGirl
    AnacortesGirl Member Posts: 1,758
    edited August 2010

    Not the same situation but sort of similiar.  My daughter-in-law was 6 months pregnant when I got my dx.  I felt so bad about it -- I didn't want to take anything away from the happiness that she was feeling about having her first baby (and my first biological grandchild).  So I told her outright how I was feeling.  That I didn't want my treatments and health issues to overshadow her pregnanacy.  That her baby and it's upcoming birth were more important and definitely a very special time.  I think this helped our relationship because she would make sure I knew about showers or shopping trips (she lives 2 hours away) and would invite me.  If I was feeling well then I would make it, if not, then I stayed away because I didn't want to be a distraction.  I wanted the spotlight on her.

    But I will say that the news of my dx hit my adult son and daughter harder than I expected.  The rest of the family and my friends took it much better.  In hindsight I understand that this hit them out of the blue.  Mom has always been there, never had any health issues and for the first time they were face-to-face with the reality that someday I won't be there.  I finally got through to them that I expected to be around for many, many years!!

    I don't know if any of this applies to your situation -- I wanted to share in case it helps.  You are not alone!

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  • turk
    turk Member Posts: 4
    edited August 2010

    Hi Girls, sorry it took me a while to post, I had my first chemo on friday and made the mistake of only eating a yogurt before, so i got pretty nauseous. They rescheduled my PET scan til tommorrow due to my insurance taking a little longer to approve it. Sucks I was a day and a half into the diet when they changed it. Im still feeling pretty wiped out, but i get up and force myself to shower and move around.

    The situation with my daughter has not improved.  I think that plays a huge roll in how I am feeling too.  My daughter and son-in-law live with me and its like we are strangers now. its very very difficult and i cry every day.  I had my ex husband living with us for quite awhile before all of this and he is not the brightest star in the sky, he is lazy and I was trying to lean on him a little to help my out financially, he finally got a job and left and is helping out a little financially now but i know it was rough on my daughter, I had told her months ago he would not be back and I let him back. But now that he is gone for good, and I mean forever, my daughter changed. Maybe she doesnt trust he wont be back.  I have promised her before and let her down. I just wish she would understand how much I love her and how sorry I am for his lazy ass ever being in her bueatiful life. I am hoping in time I will have my best friend back. Thanks for listening.

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  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited August 2010

    Hi, turk ~ Without  reading each post above, if you and your daughter were close in the past, it sounds like you and she really need to have a heart-to-heart right now, preferably without her DH around -- just the two of you, and away from the house -- like over lunch.  It's hard to tell what's going on from your posts, but I think you really need to make an effort to find out what's at the root of her change in behavior, and not let it continue to drag on and possibly even worsen, especially if it has you crying every day.  No doubt, she's very scared about your health and the future, and who knows what misconceptions she may have about your dx.  But tippy-toeing around whatever her problem is doesn't seem to be making it any better.  She may not even be aware of what she's doing or how sad it's making you.  I hope you can confront her in a caring way, and get her to open up and share her feelings with you, so that you know what you're dealing with and how to fix it.  Also, since you're on chemo, you may at some point in the near future be extremely fatigued and need more help around the house from her and her DH, so I think it would be a great time to clear the air and talk about those possibilities as well.  JMHO. I'll be thinking of you and hoping your chemo goes well.    Deanna

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited August 2010

    Turk - as a mother of two girls (ages 19 and 26) my heart goes out to you.  If you can, please try to talk to your daughter before things get harder for each of you to discuss. 

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  • SusieMTN
    SusieMTN Member Posts: 795
    edited September 2010

    Turk  -  communication solves a lot.  You can't fix something if you don't know what is wrong, assuming you don't. 

    I am also concerned for you and just want you to know that we are thinking about you and hoping you are able to get this situation in a better place! 

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