Little Miss Cheery...Not So Much...
This is hard. I don't know where to go or who to see or what to do so I thought perhaps a post here may assist is working out whatever is troubling me.
I just visited my psychiatirst and all was well. Treatment is going fine and it is 3 months until scans to see what is working. I am not having any issues to speak of and all seems well with friends and family and work.
The past week, however, I find myself sleeping much more than usual. I don't want to get up and when I get home from work, I want to go to bed early. It is not that I am overly tired or suffering any more fatigue than normal but I feel myself withdrawling and sad. I went grocery shopping and haven't cooked anything - I just don't feel like it. My garden is abound with wonderful veggies and my flower beds are blooming all over. My fur child seems to notice something different in me and I honestly cannot figure what is going on.
The new mets journey began on Aug 12th, 2009 when I went for my 10 year checkup. Last year at this time, I was being tested and tested and poked and scanned for a month until the bone biopsy on 9/11 that conclusively showed bone mets - the final read out with the onc was 9/16. I wonder - am I re-living some of the uncertainty and horror of the series of events that led to the mets dx? Has anyone else experienced this? It is not as severe as the intial time around but in 3 weeks, it will be a year of living with this. Does this pass and will I return to the new normal me? Does the optimism return? I haven't lost hope just something is off. Any ideas would be helpful - it feels sorta like coming up on the first anniversary of losing a loved one. Does that make any sense?
Comments
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First off, some hugs. Second off, I think it is absolutely possible that you are having a stress reaction to your one year anniversary. With internationally adopted kids, one often has bad behavior and general out of sorts-ness at the annual anniversary of the adoption. For so many kids, the adoption itself is actually a really stressful experience that causes the body to put out stress hormones. Those hormones can result in stress memories. Given all that you went through, why wouldn't you have a reaction, a stress memory from what you went through? It is possible, though, that now that you can "name" what is going on, you will be able to start feeling better. At least for me, knowing why I am doing whatever helps me get through it.
In the meanwhile, I think you should indulge yourself.
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Oh Sharon . . . I am SO sorry you are feeling so low. It would NOT be surprising if the upcoming anniversary is bringing on the blues. I felt the same way around the first metiversary time so I don't think what you are feeling is unusual. However, the 2nd metiversary was "WOO-HOO I'm still here!!"
It may be just the fear of "what if." It may be reading many of the sad posts here on BCO and seeing how fragile life really is. Maybe you are just tired of being "miss cheerful" and need a break. Let's face it . . . you are always upbeat and so inspirational & supportive. I love your posts. So vent, whine, yell, punch something (carefully) and be sure to eat some chocolate. Maybe your body just needs a rest too and is trying to tell you that by sleeping more - or maybe you need more coffee in your diet. (Sorry . . . probably a little inappropriate to joke now but that's just me.) And if your weather has been anything like ours in WI, it has been a bloody hot summer and that will tire out most healthy people. I like 3montsmama's advice: indulge yourself. I sure hope you start feeling better soon. And remember: we are always here for you.
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It has been brutally hot - and I did indulge myself. And then I worked my butt off all weekend - being 'physical' seemed to vent some of the anger - I took it out on the siding I was putting up on the gazebo - of course, in the process, I have little cuts all over my fingers - cutting onions and tomatoes (yep, I picked them from my garden) for yesterdays salad was a 'burning' experience! I have made myself stay up until at least 10 and I since I have always enjoyed being up early, my bladder has now determined when I get up...LOL I don't crawl back into bed and of course, the fur-child is happy to get outside a little earlier. This morning, I actually was more back into my routine - got a load of laundry done and cleaned up a bit - it felt good!
Jokes are GREAT! And like 3montsmama said...knowing is the first step toward recovery - humm...sounds a little like AA :-) MA (Mets Anonymous) Maybe we should have '12 Steps to Coping with Mets'
I guess it was just a wake up call - I am still here! And when my air conditioning went out on Saturday morning...I called the home service plus thing and they said the earliest that they could come was Tuesday - I very politely asked if there was any way to come on Saturday as I have terminal cancer and the heat is not something I tolerate very well. It was the first time I 'played' the cancer card - they were there within 3 hours and life was wonderfully cool (inside) for the weekend. It felt weird yet powerful - I didn't use it in anger or frustration or to get out of anything - just a matter of fact and asked for some help. I asked for help. That was a novelity in and of itself. And it wasn't all that stressful that the air went out - no crying helplessly. And then I see that it is a full moon - duh, everything always gets so magnified for me going into the full moon - no wonder I was ready for the 'luney' bin. But seriously, I have read the posts and I know this was 'normal' but it didn't make it go away or feel better - only sharing it here did. Wow, what a group!
Boy are there ever all sorts of twists and turns and dives and climbs and crazy loops on this roller coaster ride we are on!!!! The SS Mets is really quite a cruise line!
Thanks ladies - I can't wait for the woo-hoo on the second metsiversary!
Hugs and hugs and more hugs!
LowRider (Sharon)
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Hi Sharon,
Guess these ups and downs are pretty common. I've been in a big slump lately, anticipating my 6-mo. PET/CT scan in 2 weeks. Doc thinks I'm okay. But I've experienced some deep chest ache and breathlessness lately. Worried about pleural effusion returning. Was NED at last scan. Maybe just anxiety, after 18 months since mets. Thinking of you. METS are NOT for the faint of heart!
Lane
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LOL Sharon! I like the "12 steps" idea. Step one - facing the idea of having mets. Step 2 - eat chocolate. Step 3 - get drunk. And the "SS Mets" cruise line. And Lane - you are right: Mets are not for the faint of heart. Only the strongest can manage this cruise especially since it is NOT voluntary.
I'm glad to read your cheery post and that you were able to work out your aggression. Wow you have a lot of energy!! And even though they probably burned your cut up fingers, fresh tomatoes from the garden are THE BEST!!! This is the first year we didn't put in a veggie garden and I really, really miss it. Have to go to the farmers' markets for the fresh stuff.
Good for you for pulling the cancer card. I did the same thing when our furnace when out last winter. It is not trying to pull one over - it's a fact and we need air & heat. Don't ever be afraid to ask for help. It gets easier with each time you do it.
So go howl at the moon (hee-hee!) and enjoy your garden. Keep playing with the fur kid - that's always good therapy. You will be "woo-hooing" at your 2nd metiversary, and 3rd, 4th, 10th, etc.
Lane - good luck with your scans. Let us know how everything goes.
Big hugs everyone!!!
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Thanks 3katz, you always have such a way with the words! I really can't wait to meet - don't know when but we are only 6 hours from each other soooo, I think a plan is in order! I wasn't going to put my garden in either but - when I was out of work for the arm nummies, I had a friend of mine come up 3 days a week to help me and I got all my beds ready (I supervised, he worked) and we got the veggie garden in, the rain barrel system set up and all my flowers in too - he just happended to be between jobs and I am sooo glad I did.
Lane...ah, scanaxiety...no matter what you seem to do, it comes. I was soooo determined I wasn't when my first one came up - but the wiser-than-me ladies warned me and dern if it didn't happen! Good luck with them and may you be dancing with NED for a very long time!
The most amazing thing I find about this entire board is somehow, the mere writing and posting seems to help to work through issues - and then the warm fuzzies that come with the sincere and heartfelt responses just lift the spirit instantly! If only the world functioned like we do here - minus the crappy reason we are here...
Hugs to All
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Sharon - I think these boards are like that old saying 'to get rid of your anger write a letter to the person but don't post it', except that we do post it. Writing down and sharing our fears and concerns not only eases our mind but also has, as you say, the wonderfully uplifting effect of having people who understand and care pick us up and support us when we stumble - that is the priceless gift we all receive from being a member of this group. I agree with you, if only the world functioned like we do here ....
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As one Stage IV member to another, Sharon, (or Shazza as you would be nicknamed here) I passed my first metsaversary last Nov. The one thing that brought me down was the recurring thought that that first year had passed so fast and what if................I only had one, two or three more..............? Now I am almost at my second 'versary, I think I will burrow under the blankets, with a good bottle of red, until a week after the date and hope I get enough 'chemo-brain' to forget all about it.
Sheila.
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So Sharon . . . is this friend that helped with the gardening is the same person you wrote about in another post?
Regardless, how great that someone helped you out. And yes, we do have to figure something out about meeting. How close are you to LaCrosse? I know it's a long way off but I may be going there in May 2011. My DH is shooting in the WI state dart tournament then and while I wasn't planning on going (watching people shoot darts is not terribly exciting and I'm retired so I won't play) meeting up with you would be a great incentive.
Yes . . . this board is such a great place to come. No one else can really relate to what we go through unless they have been through it themselves. I am extremely glad none of my friends have or are going through this and hopefully never will. The people I have met here have a special place in my heart.
Scanxiety is something we all will have regardless of how much time passes. It reminds one of the reality of this damn disease each time. While it has gotten a little better for me, it still happens and everyone deals with it in different ways. That's another great reason for these boards.
Sheila - may your 2nd metiversary pass without incident. Enjoy that fine red. Yes, the time passes quickly but may lots and lots of time pass for all of us.
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Wow, Shelia...that very thought crossed my mind too - like, whoa slow down here! I like the idea of a blanket and bottle of fine wine. Enoy it! And thanks!
Nope, 3katz...not the Marlboro Man - if it was, I think the other thread would be way, way, way hotter right about now instead of into d*** cancer dilema land! LaCrosse may be doable and yea, if you aren't shooting, darts is not exactly a thrill a minute to watch...lol
raeinnz - it is that way...thanks! It is really amazing! Or not - this is what we are, what we are made of and humans are supposed to be there for each other - shame it takes some crappy terminal illness to get back in tune with that which has been there all along - faith, hope, compassion and our own personal state of grace.
Embrace the Day!
LowRider Sharon
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