HELP ME PLEASE... I AM BEGGING FOR HELP...
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I'm feeling the exact same way. I made it through chemo not bad but just had a bilateral mastecomy with lymph nodes taken on the right side as well 2 1/2 weeks ago and can't stand how I'm feeling right now. I hate my body, my hair has started to grow back but is basically still a thin brush cut. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.
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I just saw this thread today. Honey, I was where you are now. I was just like you! I even went for therapy cause I thought I was going crazy. The shrink told me something that instantly made it better. IT'S NOT YOUl IT'S THE DRUGS. It WAS the drugs making me cry, making me yell at my family for not cleaning crumbs from the counter. But I can tell you that it will get better. It DOES get better. After the that session with the psychologist, I just sort of gave in to the treatment cause I knew I didn't have the energy to fight it. Here's how my treatment went. Week 1 I felt like crap, so I just stayed in bed most of the time. Week 2 I'd transfer my poor body down to the couch. Week 3, I'd be feeling more like myself and I'd go for walks, do a little cleaning, a little cooking. Then it was time to start it all over again. I had a neighbor who had had breast cancer and asked me to please call her if I needed anything. One day, I was by myself feeling beyond horrible. I called my neighbor crying to hard I could barely talk. I let it out to her, cause she understood. The next day she sent me a bright spring bouquet. I made that thing last for a couple weeks.
Anyway, I'm soon celebrating my 2nd cancerversary and though I'm not the me I was; I'm a NEW me and it isn't so bad.
Bless you!
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drivet- Had my bilateral mastectomy prior to my chemo. It ain't easy! We are not the women we once were. But, we will be happy and well again. Hang in there.
Vicky- glad you and your onc talked. I have had two Taxol. My second was this Wednesday and I am wiped out. But, the world goes on. My hair hasn't fallen out and my fingers feel funny and my mouth is bothering me. But, I am here! You are here too. Hang in there.
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The nuelasta shot gave me the only serious SE from chemo. The bone pain was unbearable but I found that extra strength advil and valium helped tremendously. I didn't want to stop the shot because I didn't want to miss any of my treatments. The pain started about 24 hours after the shot and lasted 2-3 days. I just planned my week around it.
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When you find yourself getting anxious or depressed try focusing on something that pleases you. Years ago I read about a POW that kept his sanity by imagining playing a perfect golf game on his favorite golf course. Every day he would play that golf course over and over in his head. When he was freed, he went to that golf course and played a perfect game!
When I was going through surgery or treatments I would focus on something pleasant and not permit myself to dwell on what was happening to me. I would force myself to relive a pleasant experience or dream of the perfect garden, a travel adventure, or design a new home. When I started thinking of something negative, I would even tell myself we are not going there and force myself to start thinking of something else.
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Hi Vicky
I have just been told i have BC and am feeling very emotional at this moment, and dont know which way to turn or look, how i am supposed to feel, cant talk to anyone face on or i cry, i dont know whats ahead for me yet, but i know i have to try and be strong, for my life and family around me, maybe we can all try and be strong together. I dont know what to say as i am not at that point yet, i know i am going to have both my breasts removed, that in itself is bad enough, but just hang in there so we can all feed of one anothers strength. carol
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Carol, there IS strength in numbers! As you already know and can tell from reading the posts of others, cancer is so, so hard; but you can make it through whatever treatments you need, and really, truly be OK on the other side of them. Big hugs and my best wishes! Ruth
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Twinkle, Welcome. This site is the best. You will find it a great support and a super place to ask questions, vent, laugh and know that you are never alone.
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Twinkle, I am so sorry that you've become a "member" here. My ordeal started about a year ago. I can remember just being overwhelmed. I felt like I had been punched in the face and couldn't get back up. I was dazed. I had so many questions and uncertainties, etc. I think we'd all agree that the first is the worst of everything. Once you get more knowledge and information and your treatment course is mapped out, you'll start gaining strength and determination and a "fight attitude." It's not an easy path, but it will get better. We are all here for you to support you and pray for you. There's so much information and support and care here. I will be praying for you. We all hurt with you and know what it feels like to be where you are right now.
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Hi Twinkle - I remember well what you are feeling right now - I was dx 11/23/09. The more you learn the easier it gets because you understand your direction and once you know your direction, you can focus on what you have to do. It isn't easy but being in touch with this group is definitely a bonus that will help you get through the next few months. I still have questions arise daily and nearly always can find a discussion about the question I have here. And Carol is right, there is strength in numbers.
Mahinney - Good advise on focusing on something that pleases you! Definitely helpful.
Am heading to work in my gardens - mention this because 5 months ago I wondered if I would ever be able to do this again. I was very weak and had lots of problems with chemo but my life is returning to somewhat of a normal state - I'm not like I was before, I'm stronger, wiser, and happier. Where before I seldom took time to simply enjoy life, now I make sure not a day goes by that I don't stop to smell the roses.
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Twinkle, I read a couple of books that helped. "Cancer is a word, not a sentence", by Dr. Robert Buckman and then before chemo I read,"The chemotherapy survival Guide", by Judith McKay and Tamera Schacher. Both were easy to read and understand.
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Thanks to all of you, your words are warm and encouraging, I get my results tomorrow from the bio, and then my journey begins, I am not looking forward to it, but i am lucky in that i have a great and supportive family. God bless all of you in your own journeys.
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Hi Twinkle, another Aussie here.......I've been walking this road for almost seven years, if you want to talk just pm me anytime.
Love n hugs to you. chrissyb
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Hi Chrissyb
thanks, great to hear from someone in Australia, I would love to talk to you, still trying to work out how this site works, i will get there. I know tomorrow is going to be a very emotional day for me when i get my results, I am not looking forward to it, and i am trying to keep calm. 7 yrs is a long time i hope all is well now, i have alot to learn yet about BC and understanding it all. Thanks for the hugs i think i will need them tomorrow.
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Twinkle, to pm someone just click on their name above the photo on the left of your screen. This will bring you to another screen with their bio, on the right of the second screen there is three lines in blue. One of these in 'Send member a pm', just click this and the next screen that comes up will be where you can compose the pm. Hope this helps. Love n hugs. chrissyb
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Twinkle, sending good happy thoughts your way and super big ((((((hugs)))))). We are her for ya sista. Can you feel us all holding your hand? Well we are.
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Morning all,
Carol, first let me say that I am sorry that you have to be a member of this club..One thing that I learned is that the best support comes from those who have gone through it.. CRY..SCREAM.. You are getting ready to go down a road that is going to have you on a roller coaster ride.. one day your up the next your down.. I got a lot of support from this post.. I didn't know if I was normal, over reacting or what.. I thought I was going crazy, and even now I still feel like I am in a head spin sometimes.. I have three aunts that are survivors but somehow I don't think they were relating to me.. The are all 20+ years survivors so the treatment and everything back then was so different.. I would talk to them and sometimes wonder if they even knew what the heck I was talking about.. I found more support and the drive to go on by talking to the ladies on this site, through the knowledge that they have shared, the advice they have given and the cyber hugs..
An update.. Okay didn't get the Neulasta shot.and that didn't stop the bone pain.. nope.. in bed all day yesterday aching.. my fingers and toes feel funny and my bones just ache.and the pelvic pain oh my goodness if feels as if I am in labor all over again... I did take the tylenol but nothing else..Now I am scared that when I go for the next treatment my blood count won't be up to take that one.. Ohhh I should have just took the shot.. trying to make things easier for me really didn't work just made them worse.. Still have the eyebrows and eyelashes.. so far.. just tired. ready to be done and start my new life.
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Hi all, I just wanted to chime it with my own two cents here. I can honestly say that bc was the best thing that ever happened to me. Yes, you heard me right. It was hell to go through emotionally, but when I got through it, I felt so empowered. It forced me to face all my demons and send them packing. It forced me to wake up to the importance of taking better care of myself. As a result, I am happier and healthier than I have ever been in my life. I do not use any drugs, even the ones that are suppose to lower my recurrance rate because I do not need them. I have balanced my hormones naturally with diet and exercise and supplements. I have learned to appreciate what I have in life, not what I don't.
How did I do this? By getting out and walking every day, even when my energy was low from treatments. In fact, I found that walking gave me back the energy that treatments were zapping. I admit I did not do chemo, only rads, but they were emotionally tough on me. I cried almost every day, but the walk afterwards helped me through it. As I got stronger from the diet and exercise, I felt so empowered to keep going. I started reading every book I could find on health, and they encouraged me to keep on the straight and narrow. I realized that I had a lot more control of this disease than I thought. Building the immune system takes work, but it is so important. Cancer will not invade healthy bodies. Even though I thought I was healthy before, I now realize that I was not. I had been exposed to too many chemicals, and once I started sweating and purging these toxins, my body just kept getting stronger and stronger. I am so energetic now, I bounce out of bed and I sleep like I did when I was young.
This disease will only beat you if you let it. I have met so many long term survivors, eerrr thrivers, and the one thing they agree with me is that they are happier now. Cancer has brought a lot of wonderful women into my life and given me a new passion for living. That is why I am happy I got through this ordeal.
So do not give in to this beast. You can tame it if you keep cracking the whip. Just remember, you are in charge of your own life, with God's help of course.
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From the day I found out that I indeed had cancer, Christmas Eve 2009, to the last chemo treatment in May, it *was* like a roller coaster ride. I spent so much time gathering information so I could ask the right questions and know what was happening, and then before surgery, my nerves started giving in and my mind went to mush. My family doctor put me on Xanax, a low dose to take the edge off, and that really helped. Plus my faith, family and friends. Three months out of chemo and I look back and it's a blur. My latest "catastrophe" was taking my wig off!! :-) I felt so self-conscious about it. Not only was my hair super short, but now silver - I had alway colored it blonde! The ladies at work have been super supportive even though deep down I felt like a "freak"! Even though you have to ride that roller coaster solo and suffer the pain and sickness, latch onto any and all support you can get b/c it really helps to talk about it. I loved it when my sisters would call me to check in on how I was doing. Talking about it, writing about it is great therapy. Before you know it, your only worry will be when to take the wig off! (If you're wearing one!)
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Vickey, so glad that you made it through another treatment. I didn't take neupogen shots fo rmy first three treatments. I was super good about staying away from public places like sporting events. I didn't shake hands and I carried around sani wipes, and hand sanatizers. If your blood count is down then it will only be postponed, not cancelled for ever..After my first taxotere treatment I had to call my ONC for percoset. Ask for some drugs if you need. They say drinking lots of water helps as well.
Welsome, Vivre, and Theresap.
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Hi Ladies.. the bone pain isn't so bad anymore..
I don't wear a wig, I couldn't find one that looked like it fit me.. I have been wearing scarves since June 26.. I will be glad when I can' take them off. I have the best office support a girl could ask for.. on my bad days I get to do me..Eveyone is so understanding, my doctor is awesome he is always telling me to go home.. I stay because being at work although it is tough it keeps me from soaking and sinking into a state of depression. In the evening my husband takes me out and the kids keep me busy.. That was the hard part for me, even now that even though my body has gone through all these changes my husband still loved me.. See for me this was new.. I was sure that he would have an affair, leave me or something... never really experienced unconditional love. My first husband of 13 years was physically abusive.. So when the cancer came into my life I just knew that I would be divorced for the second time.
@theresap60, you are so right, writing, talking, helps me cope, these sites are the best therapy for me..
@micheleboots, I was drinking so much water that I had given myself the runs.. the nurse told me that I was drinking to much because I wasn't taking in enough food..Now I am eating more but I can't taste anything..My husband always ask me how do I crave food, well because I know what it should taste like..
gotta do some work.. ttyl
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Vickey, you sound so much better. Your posts sound like you are feeling more posative as well...Those DHs sure are great. Mine is wonderful ...unconditional love for sure. The runs are just one of the many wonderful SEs of chemo. If you arn't constipated then you are running to the toilet...just take each day as it comes. Just think you are one treatment closer to completion. Do they do something special at your cancer center? At mine you get to ring the bell after your last treatment. Ringing that bell is so rewarding. Do like I did after each treatment...go for lunch, or go for a peddi.
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I kept working too, as I knew if I stayed home I would just sit around, think, be sad and drive myself crazy. At least at work you are forced to focus on other things. Glad that you have a great man in your life....what a blessing! Keep hanging in there. Ruth
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Hi Chrissie
I have sent you a PM of an Australian forum that you may find helpful.Lots of lovely ladies there...some may be in your area ...I think Chrissy may already be a member?
Hope you are travelling ok....so tough esp. at first.
hugs
jezza
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Micheleboots, I am doing better, trying to stay positive and focused.. Yesterday was an okay day for me.. I did cry at work.. The antisipation of next Thursday is already bothering me.. which is weird usually I don't freak out til the Monday before..
I still have some bone pain but not nearly as much as I did before.. my hair seems to be growing back a little..but the the fingers are still funky feeling.. I think I am worried about treatment 5 giving NEW side effects.. Hope i don't break down today..
TTYL...
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Vickey, I think for the most part you wont see new SEs.
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Vicky, I agree...it sounds like maybe you turned a corner! I'm glad the bone pain is better and I hope things continue to improve SE' wise. We are cheering for you!!! Keep rocking it out, you'll be done before you know it and soon enough, you'll be the one cheering someone on
Hang in there darlin'!!
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Hello,
I started Chemo In Feb.2010, (Treatment of 8), I take my last one Sept. the 1st.of 2010.
I cant wait until it is over. The first four were not as bad as the last four,the reason was the last four were Taxotere!! That med has made me so sick,It broke my mouth out in a yeast infection everytime,A rash all over my body, Leg Pain so bad that I have to take pain pills, I work and I miss alot of work,We have a family bussiness or I would not have a job!! The doctor keeps giving me this taxotere,with the side effects you would think they would switch to another drug.But it is niot there body that takes it ,
The best thing to do is take one day at a time,alot of strength that you have,just be determined that you cant get thru this.I tell myself it could be worst.I know you feel alone,itis all up to you to get thru this ,I wish you luck,
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Vicky - you sound so much better ... it sounds like you've come to an "acceptance" place with the chemo. A positive outlook is so important. Crying was something I did out of the blue. I think the meds contributed to it. Now that I seem to be going through menopause, I have all kinds of mood swings!
JLsmith - taxotere is rough. I thought the Neulasta shot gave me such terrible bone pain, but maybe it was a combination. You'll be done real soon and it will only be a bad memory before long. I continued to have side effects for several months after, but they eventually go away. I'm on Tamoxifen now, so the side effects I'm feeling are most likely from that instead of the chemo. It just seems like the leg / hip pain keeps on going on ... whether it's from Taxotere or Tamoxifen. I shouldn't say "pain" b/c there's a big difference from the leg pain I felt while receiving chemo and the aches I feel now. Big difference. -Theresa
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Vicki,
What a wonderful pic...love your smiling face
traci
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