How has cancer changed you - or hasn't it?

ailenroc · August 2010

I was just thinking about this because, just now, 2 years later, I was just told to have an ooph and that got me thinking ... I would have been otherwise perfectly fine to forget about bc, surgeries, doctors, etc. Not that I do ever forget. Yesterday, my husband said in response to the ooph situation, "Well, the breast cancer was your personal 9/11, so we can deal with this thing."

I had never thought of it that way; I would feel embarassed to because I was Stage I - only stage I. I got treated; I have not had any major complications; no recurrence ... yet. But yeah, I'll never forget the shock and awe of hearing the diagnosis, of having to make that god awful decision to amputate some body parts. Then there's been 2 years of doctor's visits to the extend that I have a bad case of doctor fatigue - I skipped my last onc check up, not that it matters since they anyway don't do anything, no tests, the most perfunctory breast exam (my dog would be more likely to detect a lump). Then there is that hassle of the last two years: 8 surgeries, rehabbing regularly (always with good results), the endless insurance bills and phone calls to make and corrections to follow up on. Then the changes in friendships; when I got mx the turnout was great, especially the first week ... they all showed up; some told me their medical dramas (the skiing accident) in response; some told me not to talk about bc (not that I had talked that much a few weeks into it; but that made me shut up). So, I find that two years later I feel a bit more lonely; I'm not a person who discusses cancer unless someone asks me how I'm doing; but strangely, no one ever asks. So, come to think of it, I do feel different than before bc. A bit more daring (lots of travel, no time to waste); a lot more protective of my time: no desire to spend time with friends who never ask me once how I am doing although they endlessly talk about their knee surgery; less ambitious at work: I'm an academic and publications are the name of the advancement game ... but I really can't waste my time on that right now. I am spending more time with my daughter and am more forgiving with loved one - not sweating any small stuff. I actually don't care about many things that I might have gotten upset about years ago ... not so much out of sudden wisdom and spiritual enlightenment (people always think one gets those automatically when one gets cancer) but because I don't have the mental energy to deal with these things that now seem irrelevant in the bigger picture. "Whatever". Now, that sounds almost like I am depressed. But I don't feel that way in every day life: I can have a perfectly fine and fun time on most days. In fact, I'll think I'll stop by my "Happy Hour" place after the gym and have a glass of wine while playing bocce ball out in the sunshine ... which I have been doing a lot this summer. Now that's a change; it wouldn't have occurred to me to do that so often in the middle of the week beforehand.

How about you? How have you changed since bc?

crazy4carrots · August 2010

Interesting question! I find I'm much more sensitive to criticism and easily hurt. Feelings are pretty close to the surface. On the other hand, I'm much less willing to put up with sh*t. This makes for some difficult times with my DH (who is really such a honey and was so, so wonderful when I was going through tx). I do have to stop and remind myself that this whole BC thing has been as, if not more, troubling for him.

On the positive side, I've "almost" learned to set worry aside. Instead of spending a couple of months prior to tests/appts worrying about them, I've narrowed the worrying down to a week prior!

Like you, I'm much better at "editing" my dealings with acquaintances, and now spend my time only with people I like!

Mouser · August 2010

Funny -- i've been thinking about this all week, because i just took part in a study about "quality of life" after bc -- a questionnaire and an activity monitor for a week. I would like to explain to the study people that it wasn't having bc that's changed me -- it's a bunch of things and bc was not the main part of it.

I'd been expecting to get cancer for 19 yrs - ever since my sister did. So it wasn't as much of a shock as it is for many women, and i don't remember being particularly terrified until a year later, when (for 1 week) i thought i had a recurrence or new cancer.

But what got me was the business of being a patient - probably forever, right? In 14 months i had (in order) a biopsy that doubled as a lumpectomy, a separate SNB, a hysterectomy plus oophorectomy (pelvic floor repair, no connection with bc); bowel obstruction from the hysterectomy; rads; massive skin infection from allergic rx to goop i used during rads; incisional hernia due to the hysterectomy; left mastectomy; 12 months of incontinence due to spasms of the muscles in the pelvic floor (think about the PT for that at your own risk -- but it worked!); shoulder pain (3 months PT).Two years later i've developed reflux, and i've had to stop eating just about anything that makes eating fun -- not even *decaf* tea or coffee; no chocolate; no snacking after supper; almost no fatty foods -- and no tomatos, with 31 tomato plants in our garden producing their little hearts out! (Yes, i've been on the PPIs - they don't work well for me) ... and the GI doc wants to do more tests...

My scariest moment was 2 weeks after the hx, when the surgeon at our local clinic said he had to go in to clear the bowel obstruction because it could kill me. I had just gotten off serious painkillers after the hx, i was still in considerable pain from that surgery, plus the pain ftom the obstruction .... 10 PM at night, dh gone home, me woozy with pain and painkillers, and he wants to operate *now* ... luckily he did call my pelvic floor surgeon, and he didn't go in -- but i still shake when i think about that night!

Yes -- i'm different. And i think it's the same root cause as the changes you've noticed -- horrible shocks to the system - physical and mental, one after the other. Pain and fear and worry about what's next ....

Yes, i've changed. I've lost 20 pounds - no harm in that, but it is a change. And my brain fuzzed on Femara. I went off it after 2 yrs, but i' not sure my brain is recovering. Senility setting in? Scary. My eyes have gotten bad; everything is a little blurry -- retinal scarring, no cause known. The good news is, it doesn't usually make you blind. Age, says the specialist. I wonder if it's all the anaesthesia i had, and panic every time a test requires more (for the reflux, for instance).

Like you, i am an academic, and i have almost no interest in my research any more. it's also a struggle to do the thought-requiring work for teaching (learning students' names, for instance, or designing new labs), even tho i find i care more about teaching now than i did earlier in my career.

I feel lonely -- but that has been building up a long time; it's due to my personality, which makes it hard to reach out to people... really hard. I don't think bc has anything to do with it.

The mastectomy was a horrible shock - i was depressed for months, even tho it was definitely my decision; my local onc still thinks it was unnecessary (but the onc at Mayo agreed with me). But i feel physically "normal" again - a new normal, and when i stop to think about it, i shake my head and wonder at myself -- but it doesn't seem to bother me any more. I decided against recon because i didn't want more surgery. Much of the time i forget there's a prosthesis there, and the only thing that worries me is that i would freak out my grandsons if i didn't have a mound in my swimsuit -- that's the only reason i got a mastectomy swimsuit; when i do laps, i go lopsided.

Sorry to be so long-winded -- but there's nowhere else i can say all this, is there? Thank you for starting the thread!

iodine · August 2010

hi to you both. Ya know, as much as I believe in the benefit of counseling, I wonder if you might consider a vist to a Gilda's Club? Not a place for whiners or poor me's, but a place where "everybody knows your name" sort of place. Not that anything is wrong but a chance to be with others who understand that the "new normal" is not that easy to define and identify.

Or any other type support group that's not in the poor me routine. I find when I'm around other women who have had bc that I speak more freely, and they admit that they do as well. You don't have to make it a weekly obligation, but sometimes it's just good to talk with people who know what it's really like. Sorta like a friend from college or high school---they know your history and don't have to ask a lot of questions.

Just an idea. I posted my changes a week or so ago, on a previous thread somewhere below this one.

squidwitch42 · August 2010

mouser...I can identify with so many of your trials....

I had finally made so much headway in my pelvic floor therapy related to my many abdominal surgeries/hysterectomy/nerve entrapments/incisional hernia repair for severe endometriosis. Ten surgeries over ten years, with a little horseback riding accident complete with chest tube thrown in for variety. All before the Breast Cancer diagnosis and treatment. I dread starting all over again (pelvic floor therapy), have the daily pain...and am exhausted beyond measure.

I already had the friend abandonment when I was repeatedly misdiagnosed for nerve entrapments/neuromas and a very special pudendal nerve injury that kept me from sitting for over a year. I watched my whole life slip away to surgeries, pain and loneliness. all before my breast cancer became known to me. I can no longer be that ER Nurse, a lost dream that haunts me still.

Breast cancer has been an chance for me to reach out and receive help...a sense of legitimacy for my trials. Renewed support from better friends...but I still have issues reaching out. I take myself more seriously now..hoping to leave a mark here on earth.

I am interested in learning a new craft..like stained glass work. I am more interested in looking at beautiful things...flowers, dresses, you name it I would like to participate in some of the retreats available. I like to wear makeup now after my look good feel better group.

I don't have a much patience for foolishness (my interpretation thereof and little tolerance for whining about silly things. Great compassion for others facing trials...and deep empathy for my fellow travelers.

I wear Breast Cancer defiantly and try to represent (meaning I am very "out" and share my experiences with co-workers, fellow nurses and MD's) I also talk to patients who are diagnosed with cancer, or need information. I love the clients I get to work with...underinsured, homeless, undocumented, refugees...

and it's been one of the hardest things I have ever done, so I feel like a newbie next to many of the warriors around me.

I want to be more spiritual, less afraid. and give back to my community...

and I dig my short pixie cut

traci

Anonymous · August 2010

Oh man, I was diagnosed in October 1009. Honestly, I have stopped living. For real, I have gained about 70 pounds after disastrous chemo. This doesn't feel like depression but life has been tough and I am so over the trials. I have DNR tatooed everywhere and do not plan any 'battle' when cancer rears its ugly head again. Plans made to go into hospice and be done with it all. I had a wonderful life and nothing left to do that I want to do. I am not sad or morbid about any of my decisions, just done with it all and ready to move on. I am so grateful that I walked the 'road less travelled' and did what most folks don't ever get a chance to do in a million lifetimes. Yes, I could have done more, perhaps but...I am pleased with what i have done. XXOO, SV

Mouser · August 2010

SV -- The end of your letter sounds like you're coping pretty well - maybe in spite of yourself? But when i read the beginning, i thought - but what will you do if it doesn't come back? You have pretty good odds of that, as i'm sure you know, and could go for years waiting to die but being physically OK. Sorry -- i don't mean to butt in! Like Iodine, i'm a huge believer in counseling, even if it took me 10 yrs to actually act on it for myself. (I didn't mention that i have been seeing a psychologist for 10 yrs --that's how i got thru this at all.)

Iodine -- What's Gilda's Club?I'm in a college town and have never heard of this. It sounds interesting. On the other hand, after the mx, when i *really* needed to vent (?) i went to our clinic's support group meetings. Trouble is, i'm stage 1 and most of the women there were 2 or 3 or 4, and there were about 15 women each time -- too many, my therapist says. One had 2 different aggressive forms of bc. I felt like a fool going on about my little mx, and mostly sat and listened. I only went 2-3 times...

coss · August 2010

I hang up on telemarketers without a word. If I decide I don't like a book/movie, I quit in the middle of it. Before I'd slog through to the end. I was going to travel when I retired. I'm doing it now. I've been to England, Ireland and China just since treatment ended.

I think most of us spend our lives living for some future date, tomorrow, next year, retirement. Cancer made me realize that this is it, here, now. No one's guaranteed their golden years and bad things can happen to anyone at any time.

The presidential campaign was in full swing while I was in chemo, spending plenty of time watching TV on the couch. I heard then-candidate Obama use the phrase "the fierce urgency of now". A lightbulb went off in my bald head. That's it. That's how I've changed and what I feel. The fierce urgency of now.

dlb823 · August 2010

Early in my bc journey, a very wise nurse practicioner, who is also a bc-survivor, said something that at the time seemed so odd to me. It was at my pre-mx app't., and she made the comment that, "Breast cancer will change you.... (long pause)... for the better." At the time, that made no sense to me, but I never forgot it, and sometimes clung to its vague promise when tx was especially rough.

Then, about 6 months after I'd finished my active tx, over coffee, a life-coach friend of mine asked, "So, how has breast cancer changed you?," and I immediately reeled off something like, "Well, I'm easier on myself and others -- not as much of a perfectionist -- I no longer sweat the small stuff... and I'm more compassionate, because I've been seen a part of life I'd known nothing about before moving into that world... and I'm more aware of my gut feelings about things, so I'm quicker to agree or not agree to requests for how I spend my time... and I've found out how much people really love me." It wasn't until later that day, when I was thinking about our conversation, that I realized, OMG, she asked me how bc has changed me, and everything I told her was all good! Sure, I have scars I wish I didn't, and some truncal LE, and aches & pains from little or no estrogen. And I live with the fear we all do that someday it could come back. But, I've also gained some new awarenesses and some very positive attitude shifts.

One interesting thing my life-coach friend suggested to me during that conversation, is that illness and accidents happen to us because something is terribly out of balance with us. That's definitely been food for thought for me, because I know now that both my hormones (due to HRT) and my stress level were both way out of whack, and being dx'd with bc has absolutely brought about changes I hadn't even realized I needed -- like ditching the HRT and a lot of the unnecessary stress. Deanna

iodine · August 2010

Gilda's Club is a haven for people of any age who have/had cancer of any type. here's a link, and on line is great, but going to one is likely even better. I live in a small town and we don't have one.

http://www.gildasclub.org/

ailenroc · August 2010

Wow! What a great response from you all!

Lindasa: You said: "I find I'm much more sensitive to criticism and easily hurt. Feelings are pretty close to the surface. On the other hand, I'm much less willing to put up with sh*t."

I am definitely less willing than ever before to put up with things too, and that seems to be a common them among the response. Now I'm wondering 'is that because we feel we have less time to waste or is it because we are more sensitive'? I hadn't thought of it as a sensitivity issue with myself; although it could be at least for a certain type of experiences, e.g., unnerving people.

Mouser: thank you you very much for the thoughtful response - not too long at all; besides we got to be able to think aloud somewhere. And it's always nice to meet an fellow academic with similar experiences. I, like you, have also become more interested in teaching. Perhaps because of the immediacy of the feedback/satisfaction/results? Very sorry you had all these other issues too. Incidentally, I am just dealing with decision-making reg. ooph/hysterectomy after onc/gyn told me to remove oophs: cysts on both sides and after all I should be soon menopausal and thereafter they are just a risk she says. I do not need them out for bc protection; thus, I am really torn whether to do this or not, given the potential risks and side effects (and your description and squidwitches description only heighten that concern).

Iodine: thank's for the Gilda's reference: I'll look into it.

Coss: you said "I hang up on telemarketers without a word. If I decide I don't like a book/movie, I quit in the middle of it. Before I'd slog through to the end. I was going to travel when I retired. I'm doing it now. I've been to England, Ireland and China just since treatment ended."

Kudos to you Coss: I think we all should hang up on telemarketers. I've also started to quit books in the middle, which used to be unthinkable. I don't know what I was thinking before: that I wanted to finish the project? get my money's worth? Now, it's just "Nah, not worth my time." I've even started doing the unthinkable: throwing books away (actually to the salvation army).

stillverticle: you look good on the mountain there. I find myself drifting into your philosophy: afraid that some more surgeries and treatments could mess up my now pretty good life: I'm fine where I'm now but really don't want to become preoccupied with suffering from furhter treatments, surgeries (e.g., hysterectomy; forced menopause and its consequences). I've been wondering if I could bear a lower quality of life after a tough life - thoughts raised by potential upcoming surgeries and some shock from reviewing all the potential problems that could arise from these. Trying to figure out how much I'd like to hang on even if the going gets blah or even miserable.

In that sense, I'll go tomorrow to Kauai, kayaking the Napali Coast, hanggliding, helicoptering, and snorkeling, of course, and just have a good time on the beach with husband and a bottle of champagne.

dlb: I'll have to think about whether bc changed me for the better. Spontaneously, I'd say, it depends on who you ask. But I'll give it some more thought.

AnneW · August 2010

I can't say that cancer has changed me very much, any more (or less) than any of the big events in our lives do. I'm still the same basic personality. I am better at putting myself first, when I need to, but I don't think breast cancer is the reason why.

That said, breast cancer has profoundly affected my life. My first experience with it was when I was a kid. I've made many friends due to the breast cancer connection. I've lost people I've cared about due to breast cancer. But insert any disease process, any passion, any loss, and they all could have similar effects on me. It's just that my current experience is breast cancer.

I think breast cancer has defined a path more than it has defined (or changed) ME.

Anne

changes · August 2010

I am still early in the recovery process, so I'm trying to discover just how this has changed me. I am definitely less tolerant of crap from others. I don't have time to waste and am not willing to have others squander my life with petty junk. Consequently, I am much less of a people pleaser. I think I was always a little afraid of others, but compared to cancer, not much else is all that frightening. I am very grateful for the little things (like the fact that come Friday, I get to start wearing deodorant again!). I think I'm going to spend the next few months getting to know myself all over again.

Karen

MBCR · August 2010

Its been a little over a year now since my diagnosis and treatment. Acquaintinces and friends are always asking how I'm feeling, wh/ is always nice. I think there is a little more sincerity behind it. But in my immediate family & every day activities, not too much has changed. Maybe because everything is pretty much "back to normal". However, my oldest daughter was very much affected w/ this whole process & she cherishes every moment we have together. It makes me feel really needed again as a "mom". I have 4 grown children & a really cherished those years when they "needed" their Mom.

BarbaraA · August 2010

I am only about 4 months into the journey but I am really sick of the whole thing. I have never been known for my patience but when I think back to the me pre-breast cancer, I was so accommodating. I was never sick, seldom went to a doctor and now here I am: sitting in doctor's offices for hours WAITING to see the exalted ones. Sorry for the cynicism (I do like my docs mostly) but I guess that is how BC changed me. Gone probably forever is my former eternal optimism.
So how else have I changed? I have become much more introspective. Nothing else to do when you are sitting around waiting in doctors' offices or waiting for procedures to be done or waiting for blood to be drawn (you get the picture). I suppose becoming more introspective is a good thing but how does one apply the product of introspection to everyday life? Haven't figured that one out yet. Maybe it will come to me while I'm waiting at my next doctor appointment.

ailenroc · August 2010

I have since my diagnosis an urge to squeeze in life. I have always been a traveler - it's my most favorite thing to do. But now I am trying to travel even more; I don't worry so much about the travel budget and do more daring things that I would not have done before. As I mentioned above 2 weeks ago, the plan was to go with my husband to Kauai for our anniversary: "kayaking the Napali Coast, hanggliding, helicoptering, and snorkeling, of course, and just have a good time on the beach with husband and a bottle of champagne." I am happy to report "Mission accomplished." The 17-mile kayak trip around the roughish Napali coast in challenging ocean waves was a blast. I was the only one apparently not scared by the boat pounding up and down on the waves while paddling, not scared falling into the water and having to get back into a moving boat ... without any help, not scared helicoptering in a small copter with the doors off, and not scared hangliding either. Before cancer I never even dared to think I would do such things, and I am surprised by what all does not scare me now. Perhaps cancer has blunted my emotional system? Or maybe I just prefer falling from the sky over dying of cancer. I am afraid of ultimately dying a terrible cancer death, progressively sick, paralyzed with pain and suffering, a slow but unstoppable deterioration where I watch myself come apart every day more and more. Dying while hanggliding doesn't seem like a big deal to me in comparison.

iodine · September 2010

Whhhoooooppppppeeeeee! Way to go, girl!

Estepp · September 2010

seems like a LOT of us 08' girls are dealing with this now. I think it is that we FINALLY have finished and we have time... to think about it all.

I am not..." there yet".. I really am not 100% sure of what it "did" to me...

I can only say two things now... I am not afraid of much... and I DO NOT eat as clean as I did... nor exercise as much. I was a junky for health...for about 38 yrs..LOL.. .. it did nothing to stop cancer for me. I now.... have my cake and eat it too... does that make sense?

ailenroc · September 2010

Estepp: good to hear from you. Ya, I know the feeling. I have been a healthy eater and exerciser all my life and can't for the life of me figure out how "I" could have gotten that damned disease; no other risk factors either. I rationally understand that it is random and that the 'why' does not really matter but it bugs me. So - I sure have my "what the hell" moments "nothing seems to matter anyway" and have a glass of wine, or two, although I know that alcohol increases one's BC risk by 40%. Oh, what the hell! My chainsmoking girlfriend who can drink 4 bottles of wine in one sitting and who has been struggling with obesity all her life is healthy as a newborn. Good for her, of course. But the randomness of it all has not been helpful in being a good patient. Although the scientist in me says that that is probably not smart. And my oncologist doesn't think so either, but what does he know. I'll talk to him again after he has been diagnosed. I have started juicing and drink fresh green juice on most days, which seems to empower me to lift more weight than ever in the gym (there is no other explanation why after 8 upper body surgeries I can all of a sudden lift more than ever before while getting older too). I even eat even healthier than before but I have not given up drinking wine, which is the one 'vice' I have. But red wine is good for the heart - right! And really, life is short. For everyone! Not just us. Cheers.

ginger2345 · September 2010

I feel a greater sense of urgency to do the things I want to do as well. I've lost weight (purposefully), climb mountains over 13000 ft high (Note my avatar), stay away from unpleasant situations as much as possible, and definitely spend more cuddle time (ETC) with my husband. I've learned to enjoy each moment more rather than taking it for granted, too.

CoolBreeze · September 2010

This is a good question, thank you for posing it.

I am one year out from dx, five months from chemo and still am doing herceptin until December, and my reconstruction is in November. So, I'm still in treatment.

But, for the most part, I've moved on. I took a new job a few weeks ago where nobody knows I had cancer. They think my super short, very silver hair is the way I want it. A few have noticed my badge photo with my long dark hair. I smile and say, "Yes, it's quite a change."

Nobody asks me how I'm feeling, what my prognosis is, all that. So, I get to be normal to these people, which I find is helpful in the transition from cancer patient back to regular person.

I don't think it's changed me mentally much. It has changed me physically and not only the hair. I'm older, I'm weaker, I keep doing stuff I used to do (lift things) and then I suffer later. I used to stay up late at night, after everybody went to bed, watching Sex and the City. Now I'm snoozing on the couch by 9:00 pm. I ache, I am tired and I feel a strong lack of energy still. I hide it by working ten hour days and smiling all the way, taking percocet when the pain gets bad, then crashing on the couch with my family laughing at me. "Mom's asleep" is something I've been hearing for a year.

I would consider myself a mentally strong person, and I always have been. I had a more difficult childhood than some, I think, so I toughened up. During the course of my treatment, I never worried about why I got cancer or how - I had it and I had to get through treatment. I looked forward.

ICancer made me more aware of the way I deal with things . I know that I'm strong and that humor sustains me. I know I want others to be able to handle it with equanimity and not hysteria and I know that is a choice that everybody has. Not that there won't be moments of sheer terror but that they will be short, and that I have learned to get through them and others can too.

I've learned that life is short. We all know that, but not really. I'm still bugged by annoyances and I'm still upset small things that bugged me before. I still am an impatient driver. But, I know what is important - I switched jobs to be close to my son. (I now work at the high school he is attending.)

I also appreciate that this time I have now is only the time I have, and while I believe I will live a long life, I understand- in a way that non-cancer folks don't - that I may only have a few years left. None of us know how much time we have, but you and I - we have touched the face of mortality. So, I live my life, annoyances and all, but appreciate the day a little bit more.

ailenroc · December 2010

Bump.

arby · January 2011

BC has just plain challenged me. I was an energizer bunny on the farm, an early riser and very committted to a day's work. After chemo with a recurrence, I am tired and undirected. I easily sleep 9 hrs and have no passion about anything because of the physical tiredness. Also my confidence has been shaken to the core. I use to take the bull by the horn and get things done. I was active in church and at my job. Now I never feel "up to the task" and am scared to volunteer for anything. My brain is slow and I can't think of the right word hence I don't want to be a SS teacher or do aomething where I need to converse and be on my toes mentally. And I use to be so gifted with conversation and verbage. Emotionally I'm more down than "up". In fact I am stinking flat emotionally! Winter doesn't help me stay active; even through treatment I was an outdoor lover. SO I've gained wt and can't answer "why try?" except with the 'shoulds'. But I am thankful for the journey and the inner growth that struggle brings. AND I have found some profoundly funny people on this thread and am so grateful for the belly laughs that you gave me from the story of the farting dog at Chris, the vets!!!! I will return and I know life will get better as the months go by.

Laurie09 · January 2011

I've definitely been changed by BC, but not in the ways most people think.

I know what you mean about the loneliness. It's a bit isolating once you've gone through this. People are there for you cheering you all the way through treatment and then when you're done you get lots of cheers and congratulations and "way to go, you're so tough!". And then they think you're done and that nothing should scare you because, afterall, you battled cancer. It's not that people are bad or uncaring, they just don't get it, and they can't get it because they haven't been through it. They can't understand that the tough part sometimes is after the fact, living with the uncertainty and not quite knowing how to engage in your life normally again. But maybe this is a good thing, because if everyone around me were asking me constantly how I was doing, I think it might allow me to stay stuck in the role of a cancer patient and it would be harder to move on.

I also agree with the poster who said it shakes your confidence - in so many ways this is true. You want to think you'll come out of this more confident and in some ways I am, but in some ways I feel like I've been knocked down a few pegs.

I have found some very good things have come to me from this experience, though. I find that I am way more empathic with people. I work in a veterinary clinic, and my interactions with clients are much more meaningful. I feel like I understand what it is like to be vulnerable, to trust your care with people you don't really know, and how important it is to honor that trust. Also, I have a better understanding of the importance of excellent communication with your health care provider. I also understand that if someone asks me the same question 5 times, it's usually because they don't understand, not because they're trying to be a pain in the butt. And that sometimes when people get stressed or angry, it's because they're scared, not because they hate me.

I am finally starting to learn to accept this as part of my life and to try not to let it hold me back though I have struggled with that.

regalbeagle · January 2011

I feel totally changed by breast cancer. With all my family history having the BRAC 2 gene and with my sister dying from it 6 months before I was diagnosed this damn disease still broad-sided me. Just never expected it to inflict me for some strange reason.

But once diagnosed I tried to be really positive about it and I was and still am. But my whole perspective on life has changed. I'm scared I'm not going to make it to a ripe old age. I'm afraid I'll miss out on things like grandchildren etc. Still I carry on and tell myself that it is beyond my control and I will not waste my energy focusing on that but live my life, have fun, spend as much time with people that I love and trust in God that he will uphold me through this whole journey.

I agree with you Laurie in that people forget that you continue to go through our journey after the surgeries and treatments. Fear will be with for the rest of our lives. But I think what really has taken me for a loop is my new body. I had a double mastectomy with reconstruction. Oh I thought after the surgery and implants that it looked pretty good underneath my clothes but surprisingly enough I think now, after the fact, I'm angrier than I was before. I still don't like the way they feel. They don't look the same, I have some major scarring due to necrosis on my left breast and now I'm starting to experience pain on my left side. Every time I turn around it seems I'm dealing with something. Sure would be nice to know you have breasts and be aware that you have them. If you ladies know what I mean. These puppies still feel quite stiff, hard - not comfortable really.

I don't mean to be all that negative really. I think I find myself in a low point that's all. I am pretty lucky in many other ways and I am thankful for that. And I'm thankful for this site that can provide us with so many connections with so many other people in the same situations. It's a blessing.

M.

IllinoisNancy · January 2011

Breast cancer the first time changed me and took away my hope for the future. Breast cancer the second time changed me and took away my hope for tomorrow. Each hit erases a portion of who I am and was. I think the doctors are too busy and treat us like statistics. I can't think of one thing good about breast cancer. It takes away friends and relatives and causes lives to be destroyed. It is time to find a cure......not just another TREATMENT. They try to lull us into believing a cure is just around the corner but in reality that would make them all lose their jobs. I believe BC could be cured if the pharmaceutical companies wanted it to be. Cancer sucks and it NEVER goes away from your mind once it enters.

How has cancer changed you - or hasn't it?

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