HELP ME PLEASE... I AM BEGGING FOR HELP...
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Vicky -- So sorry about your Mom! That is a lot to deal with cancer and your Mom's death.
You have already received a lot of good advice.
This helped me may not for your but here goes! The thing for me about Chemo was you just sit there, nurse's ask you things and that puts a lot of attention inward, which doesn't help if you are upset. I am very goal oriented and approach life as a game so.......... I decided to get my attention off myself so I decided to see if I could make the nurses laugh. That made me feel better and kept the whole "chemo thing" doable for me. I looked at Chemo as a goal to get to the other side. So each one was like DONE X more to go (FYI I did 6 months worth). Chemo, my nurses and Onc's were MY TEAM. We were doing battle. When I was done I celebrated each infusion, as I was that much closer to kicking cancer's a@# !
Maybe a TWEAK in one's point of view would help..........
Wishing the best for you!!!!
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I took the position that I was a very healthy woman who had to get her butt kicked once every two weeks for five months. It worked for me. Getting outside each day also helped as I felt like I was part of the world.
I took a lot of shortcuts to make it all work for me. I also exercised every day. I told myself that exercise would keep me well. I think it really helped.
I am just now getting to the other end and have my "kick butt" energy back. So now, the question is moving forward. So thrilled to be there.
I never once doubted that I needed to do all of this.....did pray for strength though.
In six weeks, you will get your last chemo and it will be over except for needing to recover. You can do this.....and looking back, you will be glad you did everything you needed to do to.
MAJOR WARNING: you will most likely have little patience for those who come to you with stuff like "the sniffles" after making it through one kick butt chemo protocol. Things just go that way.
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Vicky,
Lots of good advice already, hang in there! After TC #2 I didn't think i could get back in the chair for #3 as I had 2 allergic reactions during #2 followed by a temp of 102.6. I was experiencing full blown panic attacks, crying, just thinking about it I reviewed all my options, hated them all, decided trying to finish TC was the best, So I fired the medical team I had and went to my 2nd opinion onc for TC #3, making it clear I was switching because of how the prior infusion was handled and how scared I was. Guess what? It went fantastic, couldn't have been better, so now I'm back on track with just 1 TC to go. I guess I'm telling you this to say be your own advocate and do whatever you have to do for you. You are the only one who matters right now. Talk to your onc about different/more pre-meds or other drugs for the specific SEs you're having, if he's not responsive to your needs, fire him! Onc #2 gave me a boat load of pre-meds, way more than onc #1, and it worked! For your sake, you have to figure out how to get through these treatments, and if there's a few casualties along the way, so be it!
Julia
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Vicki - as you can tell you are not alone. If it is any consolation I am a 12 year BC survivor. Did my time with chemo (A/C) - it liked to killed me. Two things that helped me immensely;
1) was already on Prozac at the time
2) I joined a local support group ran by a psychologist that was a BC survivor. (They didn't have breastcancer.org back in 1998 - or at least I didn't find them.) Maybe there is something similar for you. This website is wonderful but sometimes we just need that "real hug" from people who have been there, done that. What hit me at the support group was that there were alot of ladies that were worse off than me. That helped me to get thru it. And, I hung on to that thought. Find that "special something" and hang on to it. Use it as your "mantra" so-to-speak.
Hugs!
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Vicky,
I too am triple negative...and my chemo was also so so hard. I just didn't have words to describe it. I did it because my Sister told me I had to (swear...) So I will send you community love and support, and use any and all rational to go through the motions. Now is the time to throw all you have at this!
ask for help from your MD and Nurses. I had a lot of medicines, including pain meds. Nothing wrong with extra sleep too (you had mentioned the anxiety meds make you sleepy.)
I know you are a fighter, or else you wouldn't have reached out..so your survival instincts are kicking in strong.
Blessings,
traci
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Just want to echo what one of the other girls wrote in a different post. For most people, me included, the AC is by far the hardest part. Taxol is SO much easier for most women. Hopefully it will be case for you, too. Best wishes. You CAN get through it.
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Ruth...your 2nd post almost made me cry, what a perfect way to look at it!
Vicky, it is a horrible time...buy now you should be getting the idea that everything you are feeling is normal. Given that you also just lost your mom, it's very understandable that it's so overwhelming at times. You come here as much as you need too and we'll give you as much support as you need. Things are a mess right now...but when this is all over with, you will have a lifetime of firsts with those kids. Hold onto that!
Hugs girl....
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Vicky, I will be on my knees for you! I promise. You WILL get through this. and you WILL be fine.
Sending Love and Hugs
Theresa
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Hi Vicky,
You've gotten a lot of great advice and encouragement already. We all hate what we are going through. You are not alone. When I am feeling at my worst, what helps me is to think of the little boy in our church with leukemia. There are a lot of children with cancer and if they can go through surgeries and treatments with courage a smile on their faces, then I can too. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything, I'm just sharing what works for me.
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When some of my friends found out I had cancer, most of what I heard was: the worse enemy is depression. When you start feeling sorry for yourself, that's when the cancer gets stronger. That time I didn't know how to feel except be afraid for what will happen to my daughter. She's 9 and I'm a single mom. I was also afraid for all those people who received my blood donation, did I give them cancer, too?
Then I decided that I won't be a "cancer victim" but a "cancer fighter". First item on the agenda is to get rid of all negatives. No hate, no anger, no sadness. Then I kept my meanness in check. I used to wish dead cabdrivers who'd refuse me a ride or fellow cab riders who'd quickly open the rear passenger door when the cabbie clearly stopped in front of me. I limited the use of negative words as I found that leaving them out of my vocabulary also made me forget about them emotionally.
Look, I'm not going to pretend to be winning. I'm still fighting for the sake of my daughter. Chemo? I can handle it. Hair loss? I can handle it.Hemorrhoids? I can handle it. Love gives me strength. Love gives me hope. Find your strength and fight. You can't be a victim if you don't allow it.
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Hi Vicky,
Hating what you have to go through is totally natural-I was so pissed all through my 4 rounds of TC, and I'm here to tell you it does get better-I am healthier now than before the cancer diagnosis. One thing I did was to put sticky notes on the door frame-one for each day until I was done with chemo. The first thing I did every day was to take off one of the stickies-another day down to health. Also, consider asking your doc for an antidepressant. I took Celexa for about a year, and it worked great and helped me move forward.
all the best,
Catherine
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Vicky,
I remember about half way through chemo, feeling like you are feeling now. I can't add much to what has already been said but you really will get through it. For me there was a point where I sort of turned the corner-right after I felt the way you are feeling now. It gets better, really it does.
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Vicky:
You are going to be better...Taxol is so so much better than that horrible AC...I did four treatments as well of AC and was totally miserable. By the 4th one I was so sick so depressed, dizzy.It was incredible..But now 5 weeks later off the AC and just did my 3rd taxol.. You will be so so much better.. Trust me on this...Your attitude, your well being just gets better each day.
Wow 6 children. It is a no wonder you have so much to worry about....I know you are going to feel better by next week.. You actually start to feel NORMAL again.
Good luck...let us know
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I started taxol this past Thursday.. and let me say that I thought it would be a walk in the park.. NOT.. the body aches are horrible.. I mean from my head to my toes.. even my finger tips... @marriedblis, thank you because that is where my head is at.. I just told my husband last night in a screaming rage.. that i was done.. i am tired.. and i am not going through with the last three treatments..I agree.. I come on and I say okay one more.. if others can do it then so can I.. I am still not convinced that I am as strong as they are... I am in a head spin.... right now..
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Hi Vicky - I have a similar diagnosis and did the same chemo as you. Taxol is not a walk in the park. It hurts! - but the general funk that comes with A/C is gone. I slept so much with A/C because I just couldn't stand to be awake. Taxol I dealt with better, not saying it was easy or good - just, I could stand it better. I finished my last treatment on 5/20/10 and I feel completely normal again! Just sleep through it if you have to! Nobody feels strong when they are going through it. I just kept telling myself there is no choice - I just need/have to do it. You will get through it, you don't have to be strong, you just have to do it.
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Vicky, I also had a difficult time with taxol. I have only 2 words to say to help:
PAIN KILLERS
The first 2 treatments an OTC pain killer was ok (it's one that's not available in the U.S.) but I really suffered with the 3rd. My onc gave me percocet for the fourth and it helped a lot. Like Sunny Coconut I also found the mental fog much less with the taxol. I'm not sure how good that was - maybe a mental fog would have made it easier to tolerate the rest of what wsent on! I have a friend who summed it up, "Taxol taxes all". She was so right.
But - you only have 3 more left. If your kids are old enough to help, they'll probably be glad to do so (but don't expect that attitude to last). I also have 6 kids though only the 2 youngest were home during my tx.
Best of luck.
Leah
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Vicky,
Boy, do I hear you! I had 6 treatments of Taxotere, Carboplatin and Herceptin. After two treatments I went into a terrible depression. Couldn't get out of bed, crying ALL the time. Told my Onc (while sobbing) that I quit. My husband said we have to do something so the Onc sent me to a therapist who was a joke BUT did call my primary doc and got me on Zoloft, a anti-depressent. When I saw my primary he said, Why didn't you come to me sooner? Remember, while chemo is killing any cancer cells it's also killing some good stuff. One of the good things it zaps is your seritonin...which keeps your moods more even, etc. No wonder I was so miserable! So if you think even a LITTLE that you might be depressed talk to your primary, not Onc. They won't prescribed anything (at least mine wouldn't). What a difference it made! Not that I wasn't miserable for the last four sessions, (I swear I had every SE possible, throwing up, etc.) but I was in such a better frame of mind that I handled it so much better. And anti-depressent shouldn't make you as sleepy as Ativan, etc. But as others have said, look at it as FIGHTING cancer. Don't let it win! You can do it. Tell us your SE on chemo and maybe we will have tips to help. I know as I went along with the treatments I learned more and more to help me be a little more comfortable after chemo.
Good Luck to You, I'll be thinking of you.
Shelly
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Vicky - I found Taxol worse than AC (the meds they gave me for SEs on AC really helped me) and did find that I ached from head to toe on the Taxol, though it was WORSE for the first one. What helps ENORMOUSLY is to drink a LOT of water... especially the day of and the days following each TX. I also got through it by telling myself that the pain was cancer getting killed and kicked out of my body; I experienced the pain as healing (in my mind) which helped make it more bearable. The good news is that once you get through these next weeks it WILL get better... and your hair WILL grow back... I kept focusing on the countdown as well.
Don't give up -- you are killing the cancer so you can live your life with your family.
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Vicki, I'm sorry you are having such a rough time of it.
I was like Lilah- I also found Taxol worse then AC (and AC was no walk in the park). The first Taxol I was so sick and hurt like you, all over. But I thought that only made sense, since my body was still coping with the AC as well. Now it had a new cocktail of poison to deal with.
I started having neuropathy with the Taxol right away as well. Felt like I was walking on ground glass- After that, I was given a steroid pack to take which helped with a lot of the neuropathy.
Chemo was tough, but it did end. After that it was a double masectomy and six weeks of radiation. 9 months in all. And because of my stage and grade, I kept my port for TWO years. You bet I was ready to have it all end!
I'm almost a 4 year survivor now- enjoying my life, getting ready to retire in a few years. Life is so precious and my experience with the chemo is part of why I appreciate where I am now!
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Vicky, first and most importantly, I'm so sorry about your Mom. My Mom has been gone for 20 yrs this Christmas. She had breast cancer on both sides-but it wasn't what she died from. I miss her desperately. So, I do know how you feel. I'm sure like my Mom was--she was your best friend.
I went thru a lumpectomy, chemo and radiation. Again, I can relate to how you are feeling with the treatments. You don't feel the same-you don't look the same. I often kid around saying that when I lost my hair that I resembled Uncle Fester from the Adam's Family!! Why didn't you get a wig? It might help you feel better. I tried the scarf and hat thing. The scarves didn't work for me and the baseball caps were good at the end when my hair was coming back.
Please believe me when I say that you WILL get thru it. It will make you STRONGER. You said that you are doing the treatments for your family...DO IT FOR YOU!!! You need to be in control. A positive attitude -in my opinion makes a huge difference in your recovery. The road ahead seems long, and you know what-it is....but you are 36 years old-you have a VERY long life ahead of you-don't let this "blip" drag you down. I'm a a few years older than you are..and there's no way that I'm going to let this beat me. You can't either. It sucks-but you've got 7 good reasons to keep your chin up and go on.
One thing-you need to realize your life isn't going to be like it was before. You will have to have mammo's more often for a while, see your oncologist, surgeon and radiologist fairly often for a while. But you know what-it's worth it. I'll take it anyday compared with the alternative-won't you?
I'm guessing part of your feelings are due to the loss of your Mom. Again, totally understandable. Your best friend and she's not here for you. I know that I felt like that, but she IS there for you. She's always with you-look in your heart...she's right there for you. It may sound silly, but whenever I've had any procedures due to my bc-I've always thought of my Mom-said a prayer and she's been there for me.
I'm finished with treatment now. I actually had my annual mammogram today! All clear!! You're going to get to this point. It feels good.
Please know that it will take time, but it will get better.
Sending you wishes for good health and love,
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Wow, you've received a lot of advice and encouragement. Not going to add to that except to say I know what it is to lose your mother around the same time as you receive the news of BC.
Less than a week after my mother was buried I received the news of my BC. A friend had given me one of those 'anything books'. I used it to write about my mother. I started with her death and funeral then went onto all the little things I remembered about her. Most of the time I wrote during my infusions. On occasion I would take a side-road and write about my tx etc but mostly it's about her. It's been so helpful in many ways.
Hang on tight! And I too say ' it will get better ' just not as quick as you want but it will.
Blessings,
Carolyn
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Vicky, four years ago I was in the middle of going through AC/T and I felt like I was in a dark tunnel with no end. I was ALWAYS going to be in treatment. I was ALWAYS going to feel bad. But eventually, I could see there was light at the end of the tunnel.
Other people have mentioned medications -- for me, CHOCOLATE was the answer. Hershey bars, soothing cups of hot cocoa right before bedtime, just ways to give myself a special treat. And friends in my weekly support group who would listen and let me know that I was feeling normal for BC.
So hang in there and know that there are sisters here rooting for you.
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Vickey I just want to send you ((((((big hugs))))) and a smile
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I want to thank each and every one of you for the love and support that you give me.. it gives me hope and faith and strenght to keep on fighting at the end of the day.. It lets me know that I am normal and that everything that I am feeling is okay. Today was the first time that I actually took the time to look up exactly what type of cancer I have and try to understand it. . I had no idea.. all I knew was that I had breast cancer... I never read the report or anything...that courage alone came from reading all the post on here.. Time to face it, fight it, and win... I am not saying that I won't be doing anymore crying... I am just glad that when those tears fall and my fingers get to typing that I am not alone.. someone out there is going through the same thing... and that soon I will have hair, I would have put the weight back on, and the SE will be gone...
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Vicky glad your feeling stronger. I have been in a slump post my first Taxol and have left a message for my GP so I can get antidepressants and maybe something for sleep. I don't know who said it in this thread but the chemo killing the seritonin totally makes sense. I also think coming out of the AC fog has heightened my sadness because I am now well enough to feel bad.
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Hang on, ladies. You WILL make it through. Just coming here and posting your thoughts, feelings, questions and concerns shows that you are smart, fighting women!!
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Vickey, so glad to hear you are feeling better...You are never alone on this crazy journey.
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well said MEDIGAL!!!! this may be the hardest fight of your life. i cried all the time but i told myself " the kids need you and your other family members need you and i will FIGHT till the end!!" CHEMO & RADIATION are the beast that will save your life. do NOT give up!!!! fight like you have never fought before!!! GOOD LUCK and its ok to cry. surround yourself with those that truly care. there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!! also after taking 6 treatments of fec2 12 treatments of taxol was a walkin the park for me.
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Okay.. ladies here we go... taxol number two on Thursday.. I need your prayers.. a sister is having second thoughts.. so much that is planned in the next couple weeks... picnic on Saturday, wedding on September 4 all treatment weeks.. I am hoping that I won't be in as much pain.. No tears today.. and normally I would be a totally wreck..I am dreading it but I haven't started the crying motion..
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VT, I don;t what your going through, but I'm about to get into that myslelf soon, I hate not knowing about the unexpected. that being said, lets get together with a bottle of tequila and screw this monster!
Hope I made you laugh, lov you
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