WOW totally at a loss (husband cheated)

bummer.

first of all I'd plan on the 10 years and go from there.. perhaps you'll live 20...perhaps a prescription to help with depression and some clear thinking on your part so you can focus on what is best for you (and your children).  all you can do ismove forward and frankly, i think your husband is besides the point... he's going to do what he will do.  perhaps he'll be there for you and perhaps not.  

 his timing wasn't good.. was it?

i am really sorry for all your challenges. but somehow think you'll do just fine.  your posts reveal a strength.  what is your treatment plan?  Are you going to do chemo? 

i'll hold you in my thoughts and prayers.  good luck.

Ok, this is one of my pet peeves!  Why do MEN have to make themselves feel better by confessing and clearing their consciences then leaving US to live with the burdens of knowing what they did?  Why can't they just STOP doing their bad acts against us and focus on being the best they can be to us?  I always told my partner if he wants to confess, it better be to a PRIEST!  I don't want the burden of his bad acts thrown on my shoulders.  I think men should just dedicate themselves to changing and then we won't continue to have these bad feelings that something is going on.  But basically men are COWARDS in my opinion!  You say he is your world and this is no time for you to be having to cope with "his" marital infidelities.  Let's just hope you will have good feelings about his future actions and your depression will not get worse worrying about "will he or won't he?"  This is no time for your world to be toppled.  Frankly I think it is a good sign his conscience was bothering him so maybe he will be faithful to you from now on.  Best of luck to you!

I'm with medigal in that I think it's a lousy thing to burden your spouse with that information - especially in your situation, as if you don't have enough going on to deal with!!

With that being said; only you can decide if he truly wants forgiveness, has changed and will not do it again. Only you can decide if this is something you can forgive, and it sounds as if you want too. You can get past it, many others have. No one can really tell you whether to try or not, that's something you'll have to decide for yourself. Only you know what's right for you and your family.

My personal thoughts are that he only confessed because he was afraid of what you'd find out on the "other side", not because he realized you deserved better than a husband who was cheating on you while you faced the toughest time of your life. I would give his motivations for confessing serious weight when I was deciding where to go from here.

My prayers are with you girl, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.

texasrose:  Forgive me for laughing but your guy fits my opinion of men to a tee!  It is so hilarious that he would even consider that God would give "you" cancer for what "he" did!  If there is any justice in this world, it seems the illness would go to the "sinner"!  But beloved, let me share something with you and it's just an opinion of mine.  I think when we live under the type of stress for years of wondering if our guy is being true to us, it can weaken our system and bring forth many illnesses we might not have. 

Stress is not good for our systems so whatever relationship "you" decide to have with him just make sure it doesn't cause more stress on your system.  One thing you have to think about.  If you refuse him intimacy, being a male creature, he may convince himself you are forcing him to find a woman who will and also convince himself what he's doing is "your" fault.  I am just speaking from experience and maybe your guy is that"one in a million" who really has a good conscience and brains to go with it.  BTW, I like men!  I just hate what they stupidly and cruelly think they can get away with doing to women. 

Just focus on surviving this damn bc as long as you can and be as happy as possible inspite of the circumstances.  This is no time for you to try to handle your life without him.  Maybe it's his karma to have to take care of you now and cope with any bad days you have from side effects and take you back and forth to appointments etc.   I do hope he has sense enough to cherish you now and appreciate what this disease may take from him sooner than he thought. I hope you manage to survive for many, many years!  I have a relative who got it in both breasts as ayoung woman and she is 87 years old now, just remarried a wealthy man and happier than she has ever been.  She should be put in the book of Guinness!  Maybe YOU can outdo "her"! 

i really admire your commitment to your relationship.  I think i would do the same, but know it would be a big challenge.  i hope marriage counseling is available to the both of you.

I am so torn on this issue.  For most of my life I was the one saying - "if he cheats, get rid of him.  Once a cheater, always a cheater."  Then one time a friend of mine (who had 3 kids) was 8 months pregnant.  I saw her husband with another girl and he had been seeing this girl on the side for several months.  Well, I thought since I would want to know if my husband cheated, I would call her right away and tell her.  And I did.  It was awful.  They both were my friends and then they hated me.  He hated me for obvious reasons but she hated me because I disrupted her life.  I guess as long as she didn't see or hear about it and if he didn't leave her, then everything is okay.  That was about 15 years ago and they are still together with the picture perfect life.  They are grandparents now and life is so good.  It confuses me, is that the better way?  Another one of my friends says human beings by nature are not monogomous.  Maybe it is more mature to look at the person and who they are to you than to be emotional and look at their faults.  Maybe it was just a lapse in judgement and he thought he could get away with it but now this has shaken him out of it.  I don't know.  I'm sorry you have to figure it out.  I wish you the very best in your fight with cancer and your emotions. 

Texas:  You have got to compartmentalize those feelings for now because they are all going to leak into any reserve you have to maintain your own health.   I don't blame you for 2 seconds to be so effing livid kicking him in the balls would not be sufficient but I am concerned for you and where you devote your energy.  Please he already did damage...don't let him do more.   I hate to tell you but when my father did this to my mother she said "eff u, I am outta here Mr. Hot Pants and you won't have too much time to be running around because you are also going to be raising our kids...later!"  I know that sounds harsh and how could she leave the kids but what message would she have sent to me if she didn't?  Stay with someone who is cheating on you?  No, not my mother.   She stood up and walked out and I don't regret her decision ever.  I felt bad about the divorce and all that massengil queen of a 2nd wife he landed was rob, steal, lie and cause trouble so what goes around does come around!   My mother, on the other hand, landed a nice, cerebral man 10 years her junior!

I feel bad for you, Texas.  I really, really do.  I just don't understand how he could possibly be so concerned with his needs when you are in such a challenging time.   What a bad time to find out the person you are married to is self-centered.  You will get through this but I just don't want you to spend your energy on this matter as you totally need it for yourself.  Please, be as self-centered and worry only about yourself right now (and your kids) because there is no sense is attributing one minute to thinking about what he did....it is taking away from energy you need for yourself.

If it makes you feel any better, I have 3 close friends that religiously cheat on their husbands here in Connecticut....and I cover for all of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   After all, there is no robbery in fair exchange and women have been in played in this same manner for years so I hope you find some comfort in my helping out my girls because you know what?  The bottom line is we don't need them anymore.  We make our own money, we have our careers, we have our credit and we do our thing so these even slight transgressions are grounds for dismissal because who needs it?  Especially when your immune system is compromised and he could be bringing home who know's what.

Stay strong and ignore him for a while-

Liz

C'mon, can I judge him just a little???  He took a day that should have been all about YOU and YOUR HEALTH and made it about himself.  That is classic narcissistic behavior, what a selfish b-word.  Plus, he delivered the news when you were probably still reeling about your Dx. WTH?

I am sure he is not all bad, because no one is.  I guess the question is whether you can live better with or without him.

Texasrose, if this guy is "your world," with all due respect, IMO you have really serious issues with lack of self esteem and are badly in need of therapy or whatever it takes to fix it. Gosh, I thought *I* was bad in that regard, but when I read about something like THIS, well....I guess I only have slight problems!

When my husband cheated on me, I told him to get lost and stay lost. When I later was tested for HIV and the doctor asked me about prior sexual partners I would want to notify (and the ex was the only one who could have exposed me, but thankfully I tested clean), I said "If I have it, it's cause HE gave it to me. Let him die for all I care!"  

Dump this frickin asshole because if that's what he did, that's what he IS -- an asshole! Facts do not cease to exist for being ignored.  Life is too short for you to put up with that CRAP of a creep like him! Such would apply even if you DIDN'T have cancer! GRRRRR! 

Sorry but I have ZERO patience or tolerance for cheating or cheaters.

~Lena. 

It's easy to judge when you aren't in the exact situation. I understand how texas is feeling because I also have children with my husband and if he cheated on me I would have to definitely consider my plans based on how it would disrupt their lives. No matter what he is their father and in the face of such a scary situation with their mother I would want to protect them first and foremost. I am sorry for this situation you are in and your heartache. I know it has been a while since you posted here and I hope you are doing well with regards to your husband.