THEY HAVE NO IDEA!!

How sad that we all feel the same, but how wonderful that by reading these posts we know we are not alone.  I wish we could have a real, physical group hug.  Nobody else gets it.  It makes them uncomfortable.  Or they're just clueless.  I don't wish this on anybody, and truly ladies, that IS the only way anyone could understand.

(((HUGS)))  Janice

When I was going through treatment I too was treated as "special"....my co-workers were waiting at the front door of the office when I walked in from my last treatment...with balloons, cards..I was overwhelmed...now almost a year later it is like it never happened...I'm treated like everyone else (which is a good thing)....but it is just weird!

Another thing, wanted to see if you guys felt the same way..I was out with friends last night...there were six of us....I'm quiet now and I never used to be quiet..I noticed that 2 other women were quiet too..one who had BC 10 years ago and one whose son was killed in a car accident 6 years ago.  The other 3 were laughing and having a great time....I wish I could let myself go like that...will I ever be able to just go out and have just PLAIN FUN...or is that gone forever?

I too am having a hard time finding the fun in life.  I've read other BC survivors who write about a having a new zest for life, better relationships, becoming a stronger person . . . but that is not happening for me.  I feel very detached from my friends and feel alone most of the time.  Actually, I am alone most of the time.  I've become very insecure and worry about every little thing, not just cancer issues.  I never want to do anything because I can't find anything that interests me, but at the same time I am bored to tears. 

I exercise everyday by walking or hiking however I have to force myself to do this.  I've been putting on the brave, positive face for the world to see and have been told numerous times that I am an inspiration to others.  That makes me feel like such a fake because inside I am a mess.  My husband is the only one who sees my tears, anger and frustration and like you said Somanywomen, I know he misses the old me and wonders when I will be back.  I wonder when or if I will be back and if will life ever be fun and interesting again.

Hey Meggie, I know some of how you feel.  I chose to talk with a professional.  A psychologist, I didn't need a shrink, cause I'm not mentally ill.  It only took a few visits and I found some light at the end of the tunnel (that was NOT an oncomming train) and slowly began to follow some of his suggestions.

It made a huge difference.  I, too, played superwoman--telling everyone that everything was fine and knowing how much I was lying. 

Just a thought.

I can so relate to what some of you have said: I do find that I am more quiet. I just listen ~ and sit ~ some friends have commented on how quiet I am & that they hope I am okay. I'm NOT okay!! I worry every day, I try not to, but this SFBC is ALWAYS with me, like a ball & chain.

I am so amazed how at one minute (like when I am playing with my grandchildren) I feel so happy & positive & then at the next moment (like when I am hugging my grandchildren), I am near tears!

I want to be away from this, but I'm scared to even think about the future.

I just had my 4 month onc check-up, everything is good, bloodwork is great. I cried when I got out to my car; I should have been happy, but it made me sad to think my life revolves around those appointments.

My DH just tells me, "You're doing fine. They removed the cancer." Yes, my dear husband, but it COULD COME BACK !!!!!  One of my DD's never mentions it at all & my other DD does ask me how I'm doing, really how I'm doing and I just tell her I'm doing good; I don't want to worry her.

So, how do I find myself back to me?? 

Thank God I have you sisters here that truly understand what I feel.  

{{{♥♥Love & Hugs♥♥}}}

Brendaskids, They say that "what doesn't kill us just makes us stronger...". Looks like you've been through the an awful lot. And getting to the point of NED , like it or not, is a victory, Cancer just sucks, period. We're in this 'sisterhood' we never dreamed existed and never wanted to take part in. But I'm so glad we've got this series of boards to help us learn from each other and get through it together. Hell and Well rhyme. We just have to crawl through one to get to the other.

Enjoy your trip to California and your time with your family.

Oh my gosh I completely agree with everything. I am so trying to get out of my lonely bored funk but unfortunately I am so busy with work and catching up from everything I got behind on during chemo. One thing I realized in these past 8 months is that I actually was the social coordinator of my group of friends. They've been just as bored and lonely as me LOL! I put out an email rallying the troops and arranged a dinner party for the group next week to celebrate my first successful NEGATIVE mammo and 3 month checkup!! Waaahhhooo. I'm trying to get back into it but feel like till I am unburied from work I just can't get back into my old routine with workouts and friends...baby steps...i guess. Soon enough it will be a year since diagnosis, to me that will be my benchmark for putting things behind me and coming here to vent!

Have a great evening everyone!

Diane 

Titan-I used to be the "fun one" in my group. Even through chemo and rads. It's only now, coming out of the forest, that I'm a little more reserved, drink a little less, think a little more. I think it's the loss of innocence.  We all know that one day things can be fine and the next day, an anvil falls out of the sky and hits you. Thankfully, the chances of that happening again are not very high but they're still there.  I have to plan little mini "events", vacations, parties, whatever, to focus on in order to distract myself from the anxiety monster.  Which, sadly, seems to visit me around 1 a.m. when I need to be asleep!

I've also started volunteering to get the focus off myself and concentrate on the good around me. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. Last resort is still chocolate....

somanywomen, you wrote: It's like, if we stay in this boring world that is mostly fear of recurrence, somehow we will be better off.

For me, that's almost right but not quite. I think my choice to stay in my lonely world worrying about recurrence is not because I think am somehow better off, but because I think I am somehow better "prepared".  Researching and consuming every bit of knowledge I can - it's like worrying about it keeps me on my toes so it won't sneak up on me again. I need to throw away that attitude, and try to be the old carefree person I used to be before bc. Yes, I'm definitely mourning the loss of that person, but I think if I practice it enough, maybe one day I'll be able to fool myself into believing it for a little while, and that's enough for me. Because that cloud hanging over us will never go away - other people don't see it, and I guess they really shouldn't. So, we either have to put on a happy face or cloister ourselves away. I think I'm going to try pretend soooooo hard that I don't see it, either. Oh, boy, I think I'm already cruising down de Nile again, and I'm just starting chemo.   But, that's one good thing about having ADHD - LOL!

I have read everyone of your posts and am sad to read that others have the same experience.    I flipped out 2 nights ago at my DH because I heard him tell a friend of ours how many radiation treatments I had had and how many total I would have.   He had both numbers wrong!    And, it did not help that 10 minutes prior my mother, who I have told several times I have to have radiation everyday, said "oh, you have to go to radiation again tomorrow?".      How can two people who are supposed to love me not know, not understand something so simple?     I have learned through this that those who have not been directly impacted (had cancer) cannot KNOW how it feels, how the cancer terrors can wash over you.   But I have also learned that eventhough I now know how I feel and how I want to roll up into a ball and hide in the corner at times,  I cannot KNOW how someone else who is also going through cancer actually feels.   I can only listen, give support, physically and emotionally, and ask them how I can help.   Perhaps they will then do the same for someone else, and yes, perhaps even for me.      All of you ladies are amazing and I'm so sorry you have to be here.

As far as my family's concerned, I HAD cancer, went through treatment, and am now "cured."  I can see in their eyes that they need this to be true, and I hope it is!  So I keep quiet about my 24/7 cancer thoughts and when I need reassurance that I'm not crazy I come here and read.  Thanks ladies.   

I wish they would take that darn '5 Year' thing out of everything published about breast cancer.  Sure, I was doing the happy dance at the 5 year mark, even I was convinced I beat it - now I am doing the mets shuffle at the 10 year mark. 

I have friends that continue to tell me that I am going to be ok.  DUH...this isn't the flu.  Even my very understanding, supportive and compassionate family does not fully realize the impact but I love them dearly for trying!