I hate cancer for changing everything

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MaryF2
MaryF2 Member Posts: 51
edited June 2014 in DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)

Yesterday, I hoped I going in for the last of my quarterly checkups that I've been doing for 2 years since my diagnosis (BS alternating with radiation oncologist). The BS felt more tissue in the lumpectomy cavity that got me a stat ultrasound and a needle biopsy that was luckily B9. My BS is very good and meticulous. I'm fortunate to have great doctors. I shouldn't complain because I know there are  people on these boards facing more serious concerns.

What I really hated yesterday sitting in the radiology area waiting for the ultrasound was the uncertainty and the sinking feeling that I feel like I'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop for the rest of my life.  I hate cancer for making me feel this way.

Back to the BS in 3 months for another checkup.

Thanks for letting me whine.

 

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  • Deirdre1
    Deirdre1 Member Posts: 1,461
    edited May 2010
    Mary - your voice is just as important as anyones and right now you get to whine Laughing if that's what you call it.. but I totally understand the "changing everything" statement and I don't think this is whining at all!!  It does change everything and it does suck!  It's terrifying every time you go in for another test and we all get that!  I haven't met a women yet who doesn't experience what you are feeling so give yourself a break and know that we all understand.. I've done my fair share of venting too!!!  Best and let's hope in 3 months they find NOTHING!!!!  Best , Deirdre
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  • 3monstmama
    3monstmama Member Posts: 1,447
    edited May 2010

    Doesn't sound like whining to me.  The truth is that in the years to come, we will all go through what you are going through.  Maybe it won't be every time we go for an exam but on at least one occasion there will be that pit in the stomach churning reminder that it could be cancer again. And while we "knew" that before our diagnois, knowing it without having had cancer is different.  A cancer diagnosis, even of the good cancer, changes your perspective.

    Hang in there---we all know where you are coming from.

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  • CTMOM1234
    CTMOM1234 Member Posts: 633
    edited May 2010

    Your post rang so true to me that it nearly brought me to tears! Vent all you want! I totally know what you're going through.  Finished rads < 2 weeks ago and already got my next check-up in August (mammo -- hope it goes well -- and breast surgeon appointment) then rad.onco appointment 3 months after that.  Thought I knew my body so well, now always jumpy that someone in the medical field 's going to kick me in the gut (not their fault, their just the messengers).

    Wishing you good old boring test results in the future, the kind that no one asks to speak with you and just waves "good bye and have a nice life." 

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  • MaryF2
    MaryF2 Member Posts: 51
    edited May 2010

    I appreciate everyone's kind comments. It's helps to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

    Here's to 3 more months of hopefully boring office visits and negative test results!!

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  • mginger
    mginger Member Posts: 150
    edited May 2010
    It changed everything for me too. Gone the confidence in my body (thought I was in super shape, yeah right). Gone my responsabilities at work (they are harassing me in hope I'll leave). Gone one friendship (how can one betray a vulnerable friend? she did). However, now I am more aware of the fragility of life, I really appreciate my true friends and I try to enjoy life everyday...like if it was a daily workout! Smile
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  • nolookingback
    nolookingback Member Posts: 38
    edited June 2010

    I don't think you are whining - just stating your feelings. But maybe you can look at if from another perspective. I hope I say this right. I hate what I had to do to my body to fight this cancer. But I appreciate the things I have learned about myself, my friends and my family in the journey. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But I have grown. I'm stronger. And I'll bet you are too. I remember having friends who had been through cancer before and thinking - oh, I could never deal with that. How calm she is, etc. Well I found out - this stuff makes you get your priorities straight. Little stuff just doesn't get to me as much. Yeah, I have my bad days, my scary thoughts, but over all I do believe I've grown. Unfortunately, growth is painful.

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  • lila3357
    lila3357 Member Posts: 36
    edited June 2010

    nolookingback......you said it perfectly and i become emotional thinking those very same thoughts. I've had a rough year and a half.  I have not yet been to a Dr for a test that hasn't resulted in another test or further evaluation.  im looking forward to 3 months of not going to a Dr!  But...during this time I've heard my family say things like "i dont know how she does it, how she's getting through all of this.  Actually I have no choice...but i have learned to do what i need to do, gather the strenghth to face the tough days and put in perspective all the other days.  I have come to cherish the "few" people that are really special to me and have actually made the decision to sort of rid myself of other less meaningful ones.. Ive grown in many ways and certainly have become stronger....although i have to say i am more emotional that i used to be!

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  • MaryF2
    MaryF2 Member Posts: 51
    edited August 2010

    I'm back after 3 months. Today,my BS told me to I DON"T have to see her anymore. That completes 2 years of 3 month checkups. Woo hoo!! We're celebrating at my house today.

    This experience puts cancer a bit further behind me in my rear view mirror. 

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  • CrunchyPoodleMama
    CrunchyPoodleMama Member Posts: 1,220
    edited August 2010

    That's GREAT, Mary!! Wooho!!!

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  • mousey72
    mousey72 Member Posts: 3
    edited August 2010

    Hi MaryF2, my congratulations to you too.

     I have just been diagnoised with DCIS (low grade, lymph nodes not affected) just last month after a lump excision.  I would have thought that after performing mastectomy on the affected breast would allow me to be "cancer" free.....  Little did I know that after the diagnosis of the bigger mass where it was confirm to be not affected, I would still have to go back to the hospital next year to do mammogram of my left breast.  Anyway, I am taking precaution and doing self check every now and then during my bath.

    Also I came to understand why they say cancer is a silent killer as I had been "healthy" all along....

     But with the sickness, I come to appreciate each day and the people that are with me, that is my parent, relative and friends (those who really show their concern and encouragement). 

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  • agada
    agada Member Posts: 452
    edited August 2010

    You are aloud to complain!  Cancer does change everything, especially when it is a big surprise when they find it.  I am still having severe anxiety and need to talk to a counselor.  I know you will get better as time goes by.  Its just that cancer is an irritating pain in the behind, changing everything in your life.  But, some of the changes can be good!  Like seeing the world through different eyes and knowing its not as complicated as you thought it was.  Hang in there.

    Agada

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2010

    Ditto Agada! I have my 'cancer life and my 'pre-cancer life'. I hate it and i never thought this would happen to me. I am having dreams of my body before cancer-like this is the only way I can escape it-in my sleep. I am having PTSD and i really need to work on grief issues. My BC diagnosis came out of the blue-no risk factors. i have never been more stunned and 9 months out after terrible surgeries, treatments and side effects, I am still in shock and am not adjusting well at all. (((Gentle Hugs to all))) SV

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