July 2010 Rads

Thank-you Kim and Linda for your support and hugs. I am definitely feeling blue. Quite tired and counting down to the end of radiation. It seems kind of silly to do that given your right Linda - now it's five years of tamoxifen for me too - I realize so many of you who have reconstruction on your plates must feel as though the journey is endless. I am sending hugs right back at all of you. I am once again grateful to be able to write down my thoughts and feelings on this thread and know there are women who are travelling with me and who understand - sometimes I just feel so alone. Thank-you for being here with me. Think I will go and nap. 

Sonia 

Hi All!

Sonia - I can relate to EVERYTHING you said in your last couple posts. I think I have not yet begun to process this emotionally - since diagnosis I've been too busy doing all the things I've needed to do to stay alive, while trying to keep working so I could have insurance and pay my mortgage, etc. I've just tried to focus on the next treatment or doctor's visit or decision to be made. I think the radiation is making me moodier, too, because I'm so tired that it's really hard to take care of things (and harder to put on the facade that I'm doing well). Everyone tells me what a good attitude I have, but none of them understand that I'm still scared to death, and don't know when if ever I will quit being scared to death.

I am prepared for the real emotional part of the healing to start in the fall, once radiation is over and I finally get to start to heal physically. I find myself getting angry at healthy friends, especially when they start complaining over silly things, like a cold. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not their fault that I have cancer - it was just the luck of the draw. I just resent that I no longer trust my own body.

Oh, well, I just have to play the hand I was dealt. It is very comforting to get on this site, and realize that others are struggling with the same issues - it makes me feel much less lonely. Thanks to all of you for being there!

Karen

Hi All,  you all are great and it's so comforting to read the support for each other the past few days.  I've been away boosting and sleeping and nursing a cracked nipple. Both counting the minutes to my last one tomorrow, but also dreading it. At least going to rads I  feel like an active participant in recovery.  I'm worried about the days and weeks coming up that will be on my own with only the occasional follow-up visit. Have to convince myself that plain old taking better care of myself is also treatment, and of course the Tamoxifen.

Thanks for being here everyone.  Sleep well.  Donna.

Hello everyone,

I went camping to the mountains and missed a lot,  I am sorry everyone is having such a tough time,  It is so nice to be able to talk to others who get it.  I found it really healing to be in the mountains and nature.

Even though I am done,  I am realizing you are never really done,   I am still sore,  but it is getting better gradually,    I am so confused about going back to work,   I talked to my doctor last night but I am starting a new job the end of the month and I want to be there for people who have shown good faith in hiring me in the midst of all this and yet,  I am not sure I am ready,  I am still finding some very tired days now and then, but lots of protein has helped.  so I hope in a couple of weeks I will feel stronger.

We leave for France tomorrow so I won't be around for two weeks,   but wish you well,   I know my husband really needs a break from all of this as it has had a huge effect on him too.

The new normal, will take some time finding,   I keep telling myself that I am lucky,  but Sonia I agree it sucks and not everyone gets it,   even if we realize it could be worse. 

I don't have to take tamoxifen, and though I am glad,  I am also a little worried.

I had one of my good friends move away and not even call,  I have felt hurt but I do know it is not about me,   but still sometimes those you think you can count on aren't really there, but others have stepped up and have been a blessing

I think what is hard, is we look okay,   so people don't see the emotion and sometimes we find the strength to get through and this is one bunch of tough cookies, but later it hits,  and I think it takes time to process.  I was impressed by my son in law last night as he asked if I was tired,  I guess he noticed it,   but not everyone does,  And besides I don't want this ruining my life,   which is ironic,  because I guess I need to come to terms with that I am lucky,  a few months but I will recover.  

And I am grateful for that,   but it still is hard, 

Hang in there warrior women, 

 Love and best to all,

Brenda  

, 

Ok, will re-type.  Started mine on July 28th.  I go until Sept 13th (my birthday).  So far boop is turning pink, sore, tired, I use my cream and baking soda.  I'm very, very tried but then I'm off my HRT due to all of this and the night sweats are awful.  Plus I lost my sister on fathers day, she was 56, went to bed and never woke up, still in shock.  She was going to go with me on the 28th for my 1st treatment, but she was there, she was my Angel holding my heart and hand.

At least we all have each-other to lean on during this time in are lifes..

Julie

Hi Everyone,

Having a slow morning, getting ready for #11 - which is the other side of half way for me.

I am so glad you had such a wonderful healing trip to the mountains Brenda, I know that feeling of healing and connection when you are in the mountains, having grown up in the foothills of the Canadian Rockies. I agree with all you said and everyone else who have been so supportive over the last few days - this is a hard path and one that not everyone can see -especially because we are all trying so hard to not let this own our lives and also trying so hard to make it ok so our loved ones don't have to worry about us. 

Donna, what are you doing today instead of going to radiation? I'm sure it will be really strange to just go back to regular life without an active event each day to fight cancer, but - I agree with what others have said - our recovery is about taking good care of ourselves, making changes in those things that may require changes in order to stay healthy.

I know I have been focusing on really taking care of myself for the first time in my life, actually feeding my body in a healthy way, taking time to rest, letting people know when I can't do something and not feeling guilty - allowing myself to just slow down and be present - really appreciating what is good in my life. This journey really has been so life changing. I, in so many ways feel profoundly lucky. Today I am trying to refocus on remembering that recovery isn't a goal but a process. 

Have a good day today everyone,  

 Sonia

Hello again,

Eileen  we were told to air out for an hour a day and for 2 weeks after,  that does seem to help.   I am sorest under my arm,  but  no fair I still have hair  Sally.

I now am going bra shopping again,  I found a really comfy cheap cotton sports bra,  and I want another.  YIkes what fun. 

Sonia,   I live by the Canadian rockies,  so we are almost neighbours,   we also went  to Waterton and then Montana,  it was glorious looking at the wildflowers.   Thanks for the kind words.

Sally,  I was fine on the camping trip,  Had to have a nap every other day but I often do that,  just took my friendly pot of cream

Where do you get the emu oil?   I may give it a whirl. 

Pat,  I agree we have to celebrate what we can,  glad your holiday is booked.   I think we all need something positive to look forward to.   I know when I am feeding my little granddaughter,   life is good. 

But at times,  I feel I am looking in from the outside,  not really here,  a weird feeling to sort of be removed. Has anyone else felt that?

Donna, did you feel weird not going to treatment,  I think I was just so happy to not be that I was okay. 

Thanks everyone for the kindness,   the honesty and laughs here in our amazing Boob Club. 

Not one I thought I would ever join,  but heh we are all card carrying members.

Brenda  

In some ways, I kind of feel a little guilty commenting on these pages.  So many people here have gone through so much.  My heart go out to all of you. 

Eileen, do not feel guilty about being here! Even though we are all experiencing different levels of discomfort, we are all in this together! Stay strong, and I sincerely hope you will stay as good as you are!

 Unfortunately for me, my skin tonight is one HUGE blister, and I am now on an all liquid diet. My throat is killing me, and is so swollen that NOTHING will pass! Even hard to get the protein drink down! I know my case is worse than most, but I am still grateful for the docs, nurses, and meds that are available to treat this! I am so grateful to my husband who does not complain about his bald, one-boobed, blistered wife! Guess he didn't love me for my looks!

Prayers for strength to all my sisters going through this! We are all strong enough to survive, and move on!

Love you all!

Linda 

I'm still early in the process 10 out of 35, but compared to chemo, rads has been a non-event.  I've had some swelling and I'm wearing camisoles and very loose sports bras.  I am slathering twice a day - no skin effect yet. I felt more tired today than in the past week or so, but I worked a very long day today.  I'm just happy that I've finally come out of the chemo fatigue. Although I still have chronic edema in my feet and neuropathy in my fingertips I'm trying to enjoy the lull that is most likely the calm before the next storm. 

As for support - I used a web-based care calendar for my "care team" to help with food, errands, visits, etc.  I found it very helpful and friends/family loved having specific ways to help out.  I don't know if I will crank it up again for rads, that depends on how I progress.

Sending cooling, healing thoughts.  Marilyn 

So today is # 9, this is like a full time job...

My boob feels so heavy at times, is that normal???  

Sonia, I love it, "May your skin and nipples give you no grief tonight....SO RIGHT...

I"m so sorry to hear about your mom, makes me so sad....I agree with you, I miss my sister so much at times I just can't stop crying....She gave me this neckless just before she died, I wear it to each treatment....

 Try and have a good day everyone. 

Hi All,

Got my first "boost" this morning - they attached a large cone thing onto the machine and positioned it right against my boob.  Said they are now attacking with photons instead of electrons, so it only goes a couple inches in off the skin since my tumor bed is also close to the skin.  What the heck - whatever will work!  I got marked up with ink again for this change, so I'm guessing the tattoos are done.  I hope they don't tatoo me again - I didn't ask!

I've also been getting the sharp pains - mostly at night.  I did ask the doc about them and he said it was a normal process of healing to feel them.  I also have the rough throat and was told it's because of the radiation of my upper chest, so close to the throat but that it will clear up and to keep my throat wet.

Linda - I am so sorry about your painful journey.  Can they give you a break in the process to give you some time to heal before continuing?  Have you asked for what they can do to minimize further damage?  (  hugs across the virtual miles!

Eileen - Don't dare feel funny about posting on these pages.  Lucky you for not having to go through what some are experiencing.  Don't feel bad - we all know someone worse off than ourselves but that doesn't minimize the personal trauma of breast cancer.  Unfortunately, you belong here, too. I wouldn't wish my journey (or any part of these journeys) on my worst enemy and would wish for each of us the least horrendous experience as we go through treatment.  Everything about this is difficult, even the least difficult parts.

Keep plugging alone.  I've ordered my Femara pills...my next leg of the journey.  I'm hoping the arthritis side effects are minimal and keeping my fingers crossed (as long as I can physically do that!).  )

Thanks for the nice words on my short hair.  I'm trying to rock the pixie cut as best as possible.  One lady at a function last night told me I'm the first person she's ever met who actually looks younger with short silvery hair than I did with my long brown hair.  LOL!  That was a kind thing to say.

Ciao,

Pat

Hi everyone.  It's been a while but have my nephew visiting us for the next 2 weeks.  Tiring, not sure if it's from the rads or just having my twins and nephew around.  I'm doing better and sorry for those who are suffering from the SE's.  Magpag were you able to get a sample of the Vigilon?  It's a primary wound dressing and has helped me out a lot.  They have it in a 4x4 square and you cut out and place it on your nipple area.  It's actually for minor chemical and thermal burns, severe sunburns, etc...  It's actually nice and cooling.  The nurse also cut out some gauze (it's like a tube) but it stretches over like a tube top.  But she cut out arms and I trim down the front so when I put it on it's more like a tank top (fishing net tank top).  The only problem is that I'm not sure if it's covered by insurance.  The cheapest one that I found was a box of 10 for $50. 

Ditto about the emotional roller coaster.  I thought it was just me and I'm not even on Tamoxfin (sp?).  I was feeling pretty down this entire week...didn't have the energy or want to go on the computer at all, just put on a smile and spend time with the kids.  I do see everyone else living their lives, while I still have rads going on. 

 I hope everyone has a better week.  One more day until Friday then at least a break from the rads.  Congrats to those who have finished and good luck to those who are still going.

Patty

Thank you everyone for the kinds words regarding my sister.  She will always be in my heart.

Well down two weeks 5 more to go....Wearing me down...But I stay strong for my mom (Whom I was a caregiver for until the day after my sister died) I had to put her into a nursing home.

Girls where I go are wonderful, we have a fun time after my treatments, we laugh and tell stories, the Dr. I see each monday, nice man...Said everything I feel is pretty normal.

Booked a bed and breakfast for the 15th and 16th of september, my last treatment day is the 13th my 51st birthday (same day), and the 15 is my wedding anniverary so we have a lot to celerbarte in sept.   Hopefully I will feel ok to go away for a few days to just connect with my husband, he has been such a hugh support for me.  Goes with me a few times a week and every monday when I see the Dr.  Two ears are better then one.

I think the nigh sweats are the worst for me, they took me off my HRT and boy its been ruff, but I know its best to be off them.

I hope everyone has a good nite and I pray for each of us to be strong and get through this period in our lifes.

Julie

Hey all, I'm jumping in very late in the game. I've been involved on the TCH and Feb. chemo boards and kinda forgot to look into the radiation ones. I'm done with the main zapping and have daily boosts to the surgery area until a week from tomorrow. It was really helpful to read the tip about the yeast-infection medication-- makes sense. I'm trying that tomorrow. My cancer breast (left) has held up really well-- it's swollen but isn't bothering me, and I guess it's good I still don't have any nipple sensation post-surgery (I had a pretty major lumpectomy), because I'm not feeling any discomfort there! But my chest is a red, bumpy, horribly itchy mess. I'm using three things: Udder Cream, Cortaid and Benadryl cream... the Cortaid did nothing for the itching, but the Benadryl helps with that. I'm using Cortaid anyway in hopes it will keep the rash from getting even worse. But hopefully it will start to calm next week, now that I'm in the home stretch.

Otherwise it hasn't been bad. Curiously I got really tired for a few nights about halfway through, but then my normal energy returned. Haven't been tired lately.

Mostly I just want my life back.... everyone keeps saying "how great,' you're done," because chemo's over and I have a quarter-inch of hair. But radiation ain't nothing, as you all know, and I still go to "chemo" to get infusions of Herceptin and Avastin every three weeks, until February. And then I think I get to have Fun With Tamoxifen.

But it all works, so that's the good news.

Nice to meet you all.

Colleen