Starting Chemo February 2009?

Ok, so I had a really bad day....

Saw my PS this morning, who walked into the room, stated, "I don't even need to look at you, I won't do reconstruction", and was basically a huge bitch (sorry).  I was crying in the office, all the way home so hard that I had to pull over....it wasn't just that I may never have breasts again, it was her meanness, her attitude, making me feel like a total idiot.  It was the fact that so much is going on here--clots, and Julia, and fears and frustrations...it was everything pouring out. 

Then I get home, try to get help for Julia's newest problems, and got nowhere, no one knew where to send her...finally ended up getting her a primary care doctor (she never had one) we see on Monday, who will hopefully order some tests to rule out a mini stroke or heart problems, which are my 2 biggest fears. 

Then the final straw....Mayo Clinic has declined her.  No details yet, but I have a call in to her GI doc and he will have to call the Mayo and get them to change their minds.  Otherwise, we start all over researching, calling, etc....

After my appt, I walked through the parking lot, which happens to back up to a huge 'attraction' of sorts out here called Domino Farms....it is owned by the Domino Pizza co, is a huge petting farm.  Anyway, the parking lot backs up to the field where the bison are located, and I find these animals the most awesome to look at, I mean a herd of bison located in a rural area just outside of Ann Arbor...I just stood there crying, looking at these HUGE animals, and some cute baby bison...it made me feel a bit better for the moment

Michele- I hope his growth plate is not involved and that your foob starts behaving.



Judy- Call Nola and see if they can help. I do not think that you would scare them and you maybe able to get an out of state exception since your local dr's are turning you away ((hugs)). I really hope it isn't something serious with Julia.



OKAY as for meltdowns I have kept it to myself BUT I have been having a ton of them. It started with Brooke who is 7 talking about when we go Wedding dress shopping when she is going to get married. All I could do was sit and pray to God that I am around then. Then my DH is talking about buying a trailer in the park at the beach that we go to and it would be a 10 year loan and once again I started please let me be here. I hate, HATE, HATE this disease. I hate that I feel a million times better than last year but I still feel like a have a long way to go.



I was thinking about going back to the psychiatrist but I am not really sure if it would do any good. I finally told my DH yesterday and we were talking about it and I realized that I have done everything that I can to keep the beast away or as I say "to kill the beast". So I am 18 mths out of been deemed NED and having melt downs....grrrr...



Oh it also doesn't help that I forgot my bathing suit and I had to go bathing suit shopping and I was depressed. My boobs look awesome BuT when I kept loosing skin for my flaps I need football flaps of skin and they show with about 85 per of bathing suits I found one but I am not in love with it. I guess I shouldn't whine but I am just ready to scream at the next person who tries to sell me a pink ribbon something



Sorry for the book. I hope everyone is enjoying the weekend.

Michele- are you on anything yet ???

((Hugs)). I hope your foob starts to behave.

Michele, yes, they are concerned about clotting...right now I am scheduled to see the hemo doc in September, and probably off the coumadin at that time for genetic testing.  With Julia testing positive for Protien S deficiency, I am guessing she got it from me.  But people on blood thinners get surgery all the time, so we will see what she thinks.  I plan on getting many more opinions, and it will be at least another year before I see any surgery happening.

Hope you are feeling better, although the ticket thing stinks...how is your foob doing, has the bactrim kicked in yet?

Jaimie:  hugs to you...I think it is helpful that we come here and admit to our meltdowns, our worries...then we know we aren't alone in this...

Today was a better, but busy day.  Tomorrow we are going to Henry Ford Museum/Greenfield Village for the Makers Faire...my dad is buying us a membership.  We are very lucky to live 10 minutes from an attraction that people visit from around the world.  We used to be members for years, it will be nice to be again.  I'm excited : )

Bethie ~ Happy belated birthday!  I hope you had a great one.

(((Judy))) ~ How dare that PS treat you that way! No wonder you had a meltdown with all the worries you already have and then to be deal with that be-otch...grrrr.  I'm glad the bison helped you feel a bit better; thanks for the picture.  (((hugs)))

(((Michele))) ~ Oh heck, I hope the Bactrim does its job and that your foob is ok.  I'm so sorry about Bradley's leg; I pray he has a quick recovery.

(((Jaimie))) ~ I'm wondering, too, if I need to go back to a therapist.  I just wonder if any ol' therapist will do or do we need someone who gets the whole cancer thing.  And you know you can share your meltdowns with us anytime!!!

(((Susan))) ~ Enjoy your vacation.  I hope you can relax some and not worry too much although I'm sure that's easier said than done.

I thought today would be my last Herceptin, but nope, there's one more.  I'm feeling physically better since I've been on Effexor, but my mind just won't stop thinking, thinking, thinking ALL THE TIME.  And I'm ready to slap the daylights out of my brother....

My brother is an alcoholic.  I've spent years watching him go in and out of jail, in and out of rehab, on and off the wagon.  I've helped anyway that I could while taking care to not enable him, but I'm so fed up with it now.  He got locked up last week, and now he's whining again, "What am I going to do?  What am I going to do?" 

Well, how about this:  DON'T DRINK.  If you don't drink, you won't get drunk.  Period.  It's a sure thing! 

And then I cried while I thought about all of my lovely sisters here.  We're having toxins pumped into our bodies, taking pills, taking shots, having scans and tests and surgeries and more and more and more and just hoping hoping hoping that it'll keep The Beast at bay.  His cure is so simple, and he's unwilling to do it.  It makes me sick to think that if only we knew a sure thing to avoid, we'd do it and be GLAD to do it even if it was our favorite food/drink/whatever.  It is so frustrating!!!!! 

On a lighter note, Mr. Artemis and I took my 5-yr-old niece to the Georgia Aquarium this weekend.  Even though it was insanely crowded, we had lots of fun.

(((Furies)))  Love love love to all of you!

((Susan))~ I hope you have a fantastic vacation and do not think for a minute about next week or the upcoming chemo. 

((Artemis))~ I am sorry that your brother is not willing to help himself. 

Michele~ Is your foob starting to behave ??

As for me I am thinking more and more about therapy just to relieve the stress in my life.  I have a to of stress that is stemming from my mother that she just does not get and never will get.  My DH and I stayed up until 1am talking about it and he said that I need to talk to someone about her .  My last therapist told me to get away from her but it sure is hard when it is your mother. 

Anyhow we are getting ready to go to the beach this weekend and my MIL is coming up from Florida.  We are going to enjoy the rest of summer the best we can.  I have been getting busier with sessions and now I just wished that I could stay focused.  I do fine during the session but the post processing part and staying focused is driving me batty.  It would normally take about 2 hours and now it is taking anywhere from 4-8 hours which is WAY, WAY too long. 

I hope everyone is having a great day.  My kids are going to vacation bible school....whoooo....so a couple of free hours for me!!!  Which really means yay I get to clean in peace.

ps. My foob is better but the abx are making me vomit (who woulda guessed that!? lol). I have oral thrush, other yeast infections, diarrhea, and a host of other signs of toxicity from the high dose (racing heart, lightheadedness).  Saw my ps and he said "yeah, I kinda forget that you only weigh ~100 lbs so I should've dosed you like a child..."   So, the dose was cut by 25% and we'll see. It is still higher that what you'd get for a UTI or resp infection but not as whopping.

Oh~ and Bradley is in a cast.  The CT showed that the growth plate was involved but that the bone isn't displaced.  If we can keep him that way, he will stay outta surgery...

yeah. I was the youngest person there by far.  And, the ladies were mostly saying that while having BC is hard, it changed their lives for the better.  Some retired to pursue their passions; some went on big trips when they finished chemo; some make it a point to spend more time with their kids/grandkids... None of that applied to me.  BC sucks and the aftermath on my life has been hell. I guess I *could* name a couple of silver-linings: meeting ya'll (and the ladies at NS) and being more patient with my kids (I want every moment to be a good one for them).  That's it!

Oh yeah- to add to this, my DH is clinically depressed because he can't find a job so he isn't being as helpful at home.  I feel for him (he's been there before) and realize that he can't help it so there's more for me to manage "since I'm out of treatment" and "perfectly healthy".

Thanks, Kerry, for listening.

Oh, (((Michele))).   So much crappity-crap-crap going on!!!  HUGE hugs to you and yours, sweetie.

Ok Michele you are not crazy.  I wish you lived closer or you lived closer you would love the group that I get together with.  We talk about how much BC sucks, we drink and just have a blast.  Oh I forgot we also do a show and tell at the bars in the bathroom.  I think you just may have found the wrong group for you. 

Kim~ I only had my ovaries out.  I kept my uterus.  It was the easiest procedure yet.  However, I must admit that I've been having mood swings and sleep issues since... I was in menopause already from chemo but I must have been getting a little estrogen from my ovaries... Regardless, it is very freeing to not have to worry about OC.  I'm glad I did it!

hey gang!!! Take a look at my new pic!!! more hair and still Donny & Marie--just got back this past weekend--big reunion with Donny--wish I could've taken my "sisters" with me and we could've invaded Vegas.

Michele---HUGS!!!! Hope you're better!! I have days like that ---- times when I think I'm PMSing without a period! I'm on edge every month wondering if I'm gonna get a period  ---- I have to inform doctor if I'm getting it regularly, then that means I'm producing too much estrogen, and tumor was estrogen positive--but Donny & Marie trip ROCKED!!!!   I couldn't envision what my 40th birthday was gonna entail when I was younger, but to be cancer-free, and see Donny & Marie in Vegas--I couldn't have had it any better.  Donny just hugged me when I told him backstage I was cancer free--which brings me to a thought.  He has a campaign going on called his M.A.D campaign--Making a Difference.  I suggested to him that I along with whoever I could get in my area save our bottle slips once returning our soda/water bottles/cans, then donate them to your local gilda's club.  Would you guys be interested?  Let me know

Hey gang!!! Bethie's back--but tired--I NEED to put myself in bed early!! 

Artemis--- and anyone else interested----Do any of you have a deposit of a nickel that you get charged when you purchase soda and/or bottled water? Do you then return the soda can/bottles, etc to where you purchased them so you can get your deposit back and get a slip to redeem off your groceries?  if so, you have a bottle redemption program in your state.  My idea is to have people get these bottle slips out of the machines where you would return cans at the store, and donate them to Gilda's Club.  I tried setting something up in Walmart, but found out the way I'd have gone about it would've been soliticing.  If you can and want to save these bottle slips on your own like I'm gonna do, that would be appreciated.  I hope to do this for the next year.

Thanks guys

Bethie ~ nope, we don't have that here.  It's a great idea, though, and I bet Gilda's Club will appreciate it.

living4today ~ I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and praying you get some answers that make sense for you.  Keep us posted!

Furies ~ I started an adult beginning ballet class last night, and it was awesome!  I'm not one to stick with an excercise program, so dance is a good way for me to go.  It was hard work, but so much fun; I can hardly wait for the next class!

Have a good day; I love you all so much!!
Artemis