HELP ME PLEASE... I AM BEGGING FOR HELP...

Oh dear girl, I know this is no fun to say the least!  You can find one of my posts during chemo where I pretty much felt the same way - I just wanted to quit so badly.  I did stop after 5/6 but #5 put me in the hospital and I had had enough.  How many more do you have?  What regimen are you on?  Have you talked to a counselor? Keep in mind, if you're on steroids they can make you feel very depressed when you're coming down off them so that could be part of the problem too. I think losing or gaining weight is pretty normal during chemo.  You WILL get your life back.  Granted, it's going to be a bit different but things do start to go back to normal.

Is there anything that you love doing that could get you through this?  Yoga, reading, taking walks?  Find what you love and then do it lots.  It may seem simple or silly but it really does help.  I got a series of books and with each tx I read one book.  Kept me from thinking about how I was feeling.  Remember the TV show 'Wings"?  I watched the entire series on dvd.  Made me laugh hysterically and kept me from thinking about how bad things were. There's some great guided imagery/mediation cd's by Belleruth Naparstek specifically for getting through cancer, chemo, surgery, radiation.  These are amazing!  You don't have to do anything but lay there and listen.  Even if you fall asleep to them, they are still working on your subconscious.

Keep talking, keep reaching out for help - you can do this!

Vicky, WE ALL WANT OUR LIFE BACK!!!  WE ALL HATE THE SIDE EFFECTS!  It is ok to HATE what you are having to survive but if you have just ONE person in your life who loves and needs you inspite of what this treatment is doing to you, you MUST survive and learn to accept what you are going through.  I spend a part of every day in tears and then I remember how many more tears my daughter will suffer if I give up and I FORCE myself to get up and survive one more day.  You must take it one day at a time and find something in your life that makes you want to survive. If you have a pet, hold that animal to your heart and be strong for that pet who loves you.  If you are fortunate to have parents or a child still alive, you need to find the COURAGE to put "hate" aside and force yourself to be thankful for each and every day you are still alive for your loved ones and yourself. 

Forgive me if you think I am being cruel but this disease is not for weak people.  It takes strength and courage to survive how many days or years we are given.  It is no longer a life about "self" but "others".  If you want to know what is happening to you about the weight is normal, ask your Oncologist.  I don't know what kind of treatment you are having but I bet you can find hundreds if not thousands of posters on here who have "been there" , "done that" and hurdled that obstacle and are refusing to make bc the winner in this battle.  

Surely you must have someone in your life who you know still needs "you" no matter how you look.  As for the treatments, they are part of trying to keep you "alive".  Be THANKFUL for them!  Don't hate what helps give you another day of live and maybe many more years!  I need to go and have my crying time now.  I HATE what this bc does to good people but I refuse to let it destroy me.  How can I keep praying for myself and so many others like yourself if I let it destroy me.  I don't care if you believe in prayers.  "I" do and now you will be in my prayers.  PLEASE be thankful for each day.  

Getting through treatment is so incredibly hard on so many levels.  You barely get to register that you have cancer, and then, slam! you're in a mad whirlwind of treatment, dealing with SE's, and on and on.  It's totally overwhelming and takes a huge toll on your body, mind, emotions.

I did the same chemo you did.  It's very hard on your body... be gentle with yourself.

I agree about finding a counselor -- if your oncologist has one on staff, that's perfect -- if not, see if they can recommend someone who's experienced in dealing with people who are going through cancer treatment, or just one that comes with good recommendations, period.  It can help.  It won't get rid of everything you're going through, but it really can help.  Support groups can also be good; the one here was too depressing to be helpful to me when I was in the trenches, but I do believe in the power of group support and the benefit of being with others who've gone through the same things.

Ditto about antidepressants/antianxiety.  I was given ativan to help with nausea but it also is anti-anxiety; I started taking it a couple of days before every treatment to help me get through.  Very common drug during treatment -- ask your dr.  Many of us have had to go that route.  Again, doesn't take away everything you're going through, but it helps even the keel a bit so you can be more grounded.

I also like Belleruth Naperstek's (sp?) CD's for cancer patients.   I found them extremely relaxing and also they helped give me strength.  They're distributed by a drug company, I believe; mine were free.   If you're interested ask your oncologist and/or I can track down some information for you.

Steriods played absolute heck with my moods. I hated them. If you're on those, sometimes it just helps to know that they'll mess you up for the days you're on them and maybe a few days after.

Find what works for you.  Books, TV, walking when you have the energy, yoga, punching a pillow, crying, talking... I know it can be incredibly hard to have the strength to even think about what will help, let alone do anything that will help -- so just do what you can and let the rest go.

Do your best to get rest (I know, not always very easy) or at least take time to relax and be quiet.  Drink tons of fluids, especially water. Also eat as best you can, especially protein and fresh fruits and veggies.  I know these seem like "no-brainers" but the simple stuff can help keep you from getting too tired or run down.  The more tired and run down you are, the harder it is to deal with the emotional part.

Tell your oncologist or his/her staff about anything that's bothering you:  weight loss, moods, whatever.  They can give you guidance on what's normal, what's not, what needs attention, what they can  help with, etc.

And remember, most of this is temporary... hair grows back, weight stabilizes, energy returns... not overnight, but it happens. A year ago I was going through treatment and so deep in the trenches I felt like it would never end.  I mean, I really felt like I would never feel any other way than the way I was feeling then.  I had to hang on to the words of people who'd been there before me:  you get through it, and it gets better.  Even if you don't feel like that can be true, please believe that we believe it for you.  Sorry this is so long.  Hang in there.  Warm hug...

Cancer is the monster. You are a warrior, battling to KILL the monster. It is hard, you will have battle scars, but because of your treatments (remember chemo drugs are working FOR you, not against you) you have the chance to live a long, long time. And as long as you are alive, wonderful things can happen to you and you can do wonderful things for others too. For sure, come here for support, but you may also want to seek some face to face counseling to help you sort this all out. Do you have a spiritual advisor? Is there a local BC support group you could join? Most cancer centers have social workers, could you talk to yours for guidence? None of us wanted to go through this experience, so we know how you feel; but you can get through it, and you can be really, really OK at the end. Best of Luck! Ruth

Vicky...my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry to read about what you are going through. I also was diagnosed with cancer on 7 July 2010. i joined a support group right away and breastcancer.org. Please try to keep your spirit up...This disease is not something that you brought onto yourself. You are not a monster so please don't think of yourself like that. I haven't gone to chemo but I would suggest that you find a thread about chemo. It will give you a better understanding about what have gone on in other people lives and to know that you are not alone. The Lord is your shepherd and when we allow God, our shepherd to guide us, we will have contentment. I will keep you and your family lifted up in prayer.

Vicky, I don't have much to add since you have already received a lot of good advice.  I liked the comment that somebody made about how our tears going through treatment will be no where close to the tears our children would cry if we were to not get treated.  I have a 17 year old daughter and the thought of her going through the rest of her life without her mother is unthinkable to me so she is who I think of when the going gets really rough.  There is no better way to say it than "Cancer Sucks", it really does, but once we have it we have no choice but to try and trudge our way through to the other side.

Hopefully you are at least taking the xanax or other meds at night to help you sleep.  The night is always the worst time for me since that is when the negative thoughts seem to pop into my head.  I have never been a great sleeper  but since my diagnosis it is almost impossible so I now accept that I need to take a lorazapam every night.

I hope some of the advice you have been given will be helpful.  Please know that we are all here for you.

They say laughter is the best medicine.  Take a look the link or search youtube for the "Pink Glove Dance"  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEdVfyt-mLw  and know that a world full of healing thoughts and prayers and people who are with each of us on this new journey. 

One of my friends who went through this 6 yrs ago said it was a big interruption of life.  And that is what it is.  Lots of doctors and treatments and time to take extra special care of yourself. 

Meditation helps me greatly.  There is a book called the "3 minute meditator" that expalins dozens of methods.  Simply going for a walk and counting your steps can work if you don't want sit still and 'ohm' or count breaths for 20 minutes.  Doing dishes and counting out each mindless step helps (picking up a dish, putting a sponge on it, rinsing it) the goal is to get your brain to focus on somehting else long enough to break the cycle.  As someone else here said, 'fake it till you make'.  An anxiety attack often lasts just a few minutes or even less.  I like to watch Funniest Home Videos too.  I never watch news or any harsh crime shows or anything depressing - ever.  This disease has enough of its own drama built in. 

The best thing someone said to me is 'You can do this", and 'You're going to be ok". 

The gals have all echoed pretty much the same...you WILL get through this!  I recall in my first round with this beast, after 5 months of the chemo, I called them and flat out told them I wasn't coming.  I quit.  I couldn't take it anymore.  The entire day was filled with calls from various parts of the clinic and offers of everything and anything they could do to get me to come in.  I was having my treatments on Friday mornings and the holidays were weekend holidays that year - starting with Thanksgiving and running through the New Year - I refused to be sick for all of them.  Finally, the offer to move my treatment to Monday's after work convinced me to do it.  I only had until March to finish.  They also added something to the chemo cocktail to help with some of the SE's - sorry I can't remember what it was.  I made it through and had pleasant holidays.  All you need do is ask and they will help you.  It took 6 months post chemo to totally regain my former self but it got better every day - mostly, it was the 'chemo brain' that took the longest to fade - emotions and life came back pretty quick.

10 years later, here I am with mets and the treatments, though kinder in nature, come with some different se's.  The crying was just awful.  In addition to the Xanax (anti anxiety), we added Effexsor a true anti-depressant in a low dose and the combination worked for me and the awful crying all the time stopped.  What works for one does not work for all but perhaps a talk with the onc and see would be worth it. 

A big cyber hug for you!

LowRider

..I have had four treatments of adriamycin and cytoxan and next I have four treatments of taxol

Girl, you are in the home stretch!  When I had AC/Taxol, the AC was horrendous and I lost weight, too.  Compared it it, Taxol was a walk in the park!  I asked my nurse why she didn't tell me that the Taxol was so much easier, and she responded that she didn't want to promise me anything -- so I'll make the same comment to you -- I can't promise anything, but the AC kicked my butt and four treatments of Taxol were soooo much better. 

Hang in there!

Peace,

LC

YOU MUST THINK OF CHEMO AS THE ARMY THAT WILL DEFEAT THE ENEMY!!!!!! EVERY TIME YOU GO TO CHEMO THINK OF IT AS TAKING YET ANOTHER CAN OF WHOOP A@! OUT ON CANCER!!! ITS SOOOOO NATURAL TO FEEL THE WAY YOU DO. HELL, NOBODY LOVES TREATMENT AND THE WAY THEY FEEL GOING THROUGH IT BUT IT IS TOTALLY NECESSARY TO GO THROUGH IN ORDER TO GET BACK TO COMPLETE WELLNESS!! THIS WONT LAST FOREVER. THIS TOO SHALL PASS BUT YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR PART. GET YOUR REST, EAT WELL, EXERCISE IF YOU CAN, PUT YOUR LIPSTICK ON AND YOU WILL BE THE CUTEST "MONSTER" AT CHEMO. SHOW CANCER IT MESSED WITH THE WRONG GIRL!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHIN UP KIDDO! CANCER MIGHT BE THE ENEMY BUT TREATMENT IS THE WEAPON!!

Vicky, I felt very much like you did in the thick of it.  I work for a VA hospital.  My boss said to me once, when I was complaining about the chemo and side effects, "Just think of it as little soldiers/marines marching through your body destroying the enemy."  That stuck with me and I always tried to remember it.  Not sure if it was mentioned here yet, you may want to talk to your doc about an antidepressant.  It helped me stablize my mood so I could work and function better.  Off of it now, it is just for the time you need it.  Take care of you.

Vickey, just think you are almost done....more than half way.  When I was having a hard day, i thought of my kids.  I also thanked god that it was me going through this and not my kids.  I don't think I could have coped with having my kids sick with cancer.  If someone in my family had to go through this, I am glad it was me....I am tough, and so are you...do it for your kids.

Vicky - thank you!  thank you for voicing what I texted my husband just the other day!  I'm done -- cancel my next chemo, get this stupid port out of me and let me get back to my life!  Although I didn't cancel my appt for round 2 today (TC), I'm still not convinced that I want to continue this fight; however, I get on this site and read about so many braver women than I who have gone before me and finished this fight.  I know I CAN do this chemo/treatment/BC thing, but I don't WANT to!  We can finish this and not like it or want to -- its ok.  Quite frankly, I'm just pissed off!!  My hair better come back w/o white roots, I'm just sayin!  Hang on to your sense of humor -- its critical.

Praying for comfort and God's peace for you today!
Wendy